Moment of Clarity - Brutal Reality
 

For the first time in 5 years, sober for more than 2 months (stopped counting days on advice from many) I have had what is commonly referred to as a “moment of clarity” – I am a pitiful excuse for a human. I have been sober on and off for the past 22 years…with stretches of many years of both. I am in the autumn of my life and the other day I realized how shallow and worthless my existence is despite the money and possessions I have accumulated throughout. I have never earned a thing honestly. Since I was a child I have been a malcontented cheat and liar and I have hurt everyone who ever cared about me. Make no mistake, sobriety is a better way to be but I cannot blame alcohol for the way I am deep down. When I take stock and take responsibility it is me. Alcohol made it worse in that it kept me from admitting the truth and it kept me resilient. Now I am defeated. It is okay…I am not headed back to the bottle but I really think it is too late to fix. I will keep going to meetings and I continue to work the program but there is no amount of seeking forgiveness that would ever make me feel like a normal human. I wish the reality had struck me sooner perhaps there would have been a chance back then. Again, I am thankful for the program and clarity of being sober.

I kind of felt like that....A good honest look at myself didn't hurt....Clearing the wreckage of my past and righting my wrongs...The solution is in the steps.

I think you're way to hard on yourself Tesla.
There's brutal honesty and there's masochism, y'know? :)

Noone's all bad...try thinking of the good things about yourself and your life.

Try focusing on the steps you're taking now...not the missteps you took back then.

I used to feel that way too. I was a ridiculously hard critic on myself.

My addiction loved that. It's not a huge leap from self loathing to 'eff it'

Even tho I was sober, the twisted perspective alcohol gave me over 20 years of drinking took a while to lift and dissipate.

Every day you (and I ) have sober loosens that old hold...and gives us both a fresh chance to do it right this time - and to make amends, where possible.

I was a messed up unit as a drunk.
Now I like who I am, I'm at peace with my past, I've forgiven myself, if not forgotten.

Where you are is not as good as it gets Tesla - it gets WAY WAY better...stick with it :)

D

My sponsor tells me that self-pity is on the other side of that coin that is EGO. Even if I am viewing myself harshly, the focus is still on ME. The answer is in the BB. We get out of ourselves. Me out of me is the best I can be. I am just like you, a liar, a cheat, and a thief. But with a Solution, I can become an agent of my higher power, be of service, and carry the message to the still suffering person. That kind of purpose is amazing.

I wasn't able to see myself with any clarity at all after only two months... It took me a year or two with lots of inventory. I had too much shame early on. When I look back on those early days, I had so much shame that I had ZERO clarity, nada, zelch... No, it wasn't until I had really worked those steps did I begin to have any kind of honest appraisal of who I am.

This "Moment of Clarity" people speak of... I always took that as when one sees where alcohol has taken them, not who or what they are or are not. And... you are not seeking forgiveness later on in your program, you are making amends, making it right... That is much more powerful than saying your sorry.

Go easier on yourself. Do you have a sponsor?

I know what you mean Tesla....I am feeling extra hard on myself....but we can't go back, just forward...that is hard to grasp as I am trying myself..