MycoolFitz

I quit work a few years ago because I just couldn't do it any more but have been to ashamed to go back and visit. I try amends but get full of shame. I get shame dreams but I came across a pretty cool quote.

“A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying... that he is wiser today than yesterday.”
Jonathan Swift quotes (Irish Author and Satirist of prose, 1667-1745)

bjames

I love that quote Just go visit when you feel ready. It may take some time. That's ok.

dSober

I like it too.

misterritter

That's a great quote. I don't have a problem admitting I am wrong. I just have a problem doing so many things because I don't want to be wrong. I will try to keep that quote in mind.

Thanks

MycoolFitz

I think part of shame is self-imposed guilt. Like I can't go anywhere or do anything without thinking people no and care about my problems. I have to keep reminding myself I am not that important. In the rooms I don't feel it I especially don't fel it with my homeless work. There is so much more to recovery than just not drinking.

Dee74

I think the only time shame /guilt can be useful is when it motivates us to change...you've already done that Fitz.

When shame and guilt are keeping us down, or stopping us from doing things, I think it's time to let them go

be proud of your achievements Fitz

D

stairs

Yes I can relate to that. But at least we are doing something about our issues rather than just continuing on the shameful path.

MycoolFitz

Talked to my relapsed sponsor again today, he's just buried in remorse. I think about the people who wore those hair cloths and whipped themselves. why do we do this to ourseves? Who needs critics when we have ourselves? He did it before, can do it again. I really believe shame and guilt are such a big deal in some of our lives and I believe maybe the worse thing is he believes he let others down. We drinkers can be a strange breed. all I could say was I think he is a great guy, meant a lot to me and still does, that didn't change. We are deeper than our behaviors.

tomsteve

heres a thought my sponsor threw at me:
" so, tom, you have a fear in public of what others think of ya,right? well, have you ever noticed there really aint anyone payin attention to ya when ya go to the store? no? well, lift up yer head and start lookin. them poeple aint payin attention to ya. they have their own lives and didnt go to the stores or anywhere out in public to watch you. you have quite an inflated ego. now pop it and get yerself back down to my level because ya aint no more important than me."
man, what a *****! but he was right. an egomaniac with low self esteem i was.

MycoolFitz

Yea that is it

Delilah1

I am only four days sober, after numerous failed attempts before. This time I am working with w counselor and AA and the first thing I said to the counselor is how embarrassed I am that I put myself in this spot.
I am still trying to deal with the guilt and shame, I know I need to work on it and I am trying, but it is hard.

dSober

I'm sure you know slips happen Fitz. Your sponsor needs to address this with his. But I don't think he's able to continuing sponsoring others right now.

Guilt, shame, etc... seem to me like defects of character that need to be cycled through steps 4-7, with a sponsor.

MycoolFitz

No he dropped sponsoring but I think it hurt.

dSober

Any loss is hard. But you know there are lots of people out there ready, willing and able to sponsor right now.

dSober

I spoke with two of my ex sponsors last nght. Man, were they glad to see me... and vice voce. I thought I was only out about 1 year. After talking with them it was apparent it was almost three. One of them and I had a real good laugh over how our sponsor-sponsee relationship ended. He was driving me home from a mtg., I got pissed about something. Got out of the car when we stopped at a light and walked home. LOL

I've been through a few but never had any trouble finding another. Maybe too little trouble in my case :-)

MycoolFitz

I need a new one but it feels real scary now.

MycoolFitz

Yea I need to look at the other side. I also have pride for what I have done.

In fact, everything we encounter in this world with our six senses is an inkblot test.
You see what you are thinking and feeling, seldom what you are looking at.
Shiqin

stairs

I saw a cool video about that. It is the intro video to the Bnei Baruch Kabbalah course. I will try to find it.

tomsteve

good on ya for seeking help. give it T.I.M.E. ya prollly didnt get here overnight, so its gonna take soem T.I.M.E. but you'll get weller.

renaldo

When I stop drinking, my sleeptime dream activity becomes very pronounced (once I finally do manage to sleep). I have shame dreams and I have violence against me dreams. They both involve becoming battered and bloody.

In the shame dreams I'm usually with one other person and I'm so drunk that every time I try to move, I'm slamming into things, cutting and bruising myself, trying to get up and falling down repetedly, etc., and the other person is looking at with me with utter contempt. Perhaps there will be another person in the dream saying, "he's just doing that to get attention."

This as extreme exaggeration of anything that has ever happened to me in real life.

In the violence against me dreams, people are trying to kill me: stabbing me, smashing plates of glass over my head, punching me. They do it over and over and I know rationally that this activity should have killed me many times over, but I can't get it to stop. When I finally realize that it's a dream, based on that logic, I can't figure out how to wake up.

In real life a stranger on a cocktail of drugs once pinned me to the floor trying to strangle me to death, saying how he would enjoy the look in my eyes as I died, but that was an isolated event. Aside from childhood scuffles and the aforementioned event, I've never had actual violence committed against me at all. The threat of violence, yes, but not actual violence.

I think the meaning of the shame dreams is just an extreme manifestation of the times I've felt embarrassed about my awkwardness when drunk. As for the violence against me dreams, I dunno. Maybe it's an extreme manifestation of the whole world being against me and I can't figure out why. What is it? I don't even know you people. What did I do?

Could have something to do with applying over and over for skilled jobs that I am perfectly qualified for... spending lots of my time customizing my resume, writing cover letters, sending samples, and in some cases spending hours creating samples specific to that job, only to receive no acknowledgement that I've even applied. I can't tell you how many times this has happened.

Trying to sleep after not drinking for me is scary as hell. After drinking, the worse that can happen is I can't get to sleep for a spell, but when I do, I rarely remember the dreams.

I've done it again. I was really tired at 10:30pm. I should have gone to bed then. But I got online and got my second wind. Now it's 5am and I'm not tired at all.