I hate everything.
 

I'm one of those moods again, where everything seems bad and hopeless.

Mad at my self for putting my self in this position.

Skipped last period on friday, to get my drug of choice, stole my DOC from the store, and one of the workers followed me out of the store and told me to come back but I ran.. Guess what I did that night?....:gaah

The next morning I'm pretty sure my Mom found my empty pill wrappers in the garbage can.. and I took the remaining few pills I had left that day.

Yesterday I was at my sisters house for my nephews the birthday.. I went to the bathroom, and saw the medicine cabinet... ended up stealing some of my sister's muscle relaxers, and took them that night.

Today I got to school, wearing pajamas and looking like a scumbag, and got two detentions for leaving early on friday. I had massive anxiety so I went to the nurse and told her I was sick and my mom picked me up.

And honestly I want nothing more than to be high right now.
I just wanted to get all that off my chest.

Yikes, Jake, it sounds like you're having a rough time of it.

The thing with addiction is that the disease makes us feel so miserable and alone, that we are too afraid to take the steps we need to get help. Do you have a family dr you can talk to about the drug problem? I know you will find lots of support here. :)

Yeah I'm going to drug counseling and behavioral counseling and both my counselors seems very nice.. I just started last week though so I'm hoping this will work out.

Dont lose faith in yourself man, recovery doesnt just happen overnight. It's a struggle, but what matters is that you keep trying to get better.

Yes, some break in the cycle could help. Wish you the best.

I understand being angry at yourself, self loathing, it's never gonna get better, it's too hard, I'm too weak, I can't do this, & on & on

Thing is....it was ALL LIES. Your addiction will tell you whatever it can to make you putty in its hands.
Self pity, resentment, regret are breeding ground for the endless life cycle of addiction.

YOU CAN STOP. This can be the last day you lie, cheat, steal, feel horrible about yourself & your situation.
I don't know your whole story but have you read Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey? AVRT book. It was awesome for me.

You can get clean BUT you have to DO something. Drug counseling is great, SR is great, maybe you can add to it?

Don't give up on yourself. I struggled a long time before I finally broke free from the chains.
Best wishes to you.... You are so young & can make your life whatever you want it to be.

jake is it you want to get high and thats all here is to it
or
that you have the urge to get high but dont want to?