Regret
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Wales, UK
Posts: 78
Regret
I'm on 81 days sober, 4 weeks smoke free and 2 weeks into my diet and 7lbs lighter... however i'm being crippled with regret...
i regret alot of things i've done over the years... mostly when drunk... and most of them I have no way of putting right without causing more hurt and upset...
How do people cope with guilt and regret and still lead a normal life... ??
i regret alot of things i've done over the years... mostly when drunk... and most of them I have no way of putting right without causing more hurt and upset...
How do people cope with guilt and regret and still lead a normal life... ??
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
blue, i can fully relate to how yer feelin.. i am in AA and the program has helped me with all that. i no longer regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.if i forget it ill repeat it and if i regret it ill get drunk.
the program also helped me clear away the wreckage of my past.
the program also helped me clear away the wreckage of my past.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
It's not easy to deal with the guilt and shame that we feel.
Try to show people that you have changed, that you are new, responsible person. You can't change the past, all you can do is live the best way that you can.
I struggled a lot with the same issue and I found "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle to be a huge help.
Try to show people that you have changed, that you are new, responsible person. You can't change the past, all you can do is live the best way that you can.
I struggled a lot with the same issue and I found "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle to be a huge help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
to add, i have had times that my past has been brought up. when i was drinking and that happened, i drank ove the remorse and guilt. since i got sober, when it has come up, i have been able to say," yup, i did that. i was a very sick person then and very greatful i aint like that today."
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Santa Monica, CA
Posts: 168
I have the same problem. I've been sober for 16 days, and I was having a tough time forgiving myself for being an out of control drunk all the time. All I wanted to do was start fresh and forget my past mistakes but my family is always reminding me of it!
All I can do is become a better man than I ever was, and they will see it! But more importantly, im doing this for myself!
All I can do is become a better man than I ever was, and they will see it! But more importantly, im doing this for myself!
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
You will feel much differently once you have some weeks more sober time. It is only when we admit we let ourselves down that we can stand up and say proudly that we did but now we don't. One day you will have difficulty remembering how the regrets felt. Simply because you filled all your memories with far fewer things to regret. You may also realize that you would not trade any of those regrets because the pain taught you to not do them again. But that realization only comes after you are fully recovered and that takes faith and work on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I struggle too and I am 245 days.
However I do agree with what Itchy says about a few more weeks and you will continue to feel better.
I don't feel as bad and I don't drink over it anymore, like I used to.
Sometimes when I do feel bad, I come here and read and it helps.
If people are also discussing my previous behaviour I walk away if possible. I also think to myself that they won't be able to talk anymore as I don't drink anymore and won't be behaving like that anymore!
I think in some cases too, i like what Dee says about forgiveness from others.
Dee you might have to correct me but is it something like 'forgivness is on their timescale not ours' when relating to hurt caused to others.
I find this quite humbling that I have to wait to be forgiven and in the mean time I can only show my sorrow by my new sober behaviour and descions.
Keep your chin up xx
However I do agree with what Itchy says about a few more weeks and you will continue to feel better.
I don't feel as bad and I don't drink over it anymore, like I used to.
Sometimes when I do feel bad, I come here and read and it helps.
If people are also discussing my previous behaviour I walk away if possible. I also think to myself that they won't be able to talk anymore as I don't drink anymore and won't be behaving like that anymore!
I think in some cases too, i like what Dee says about forgiveness from others.
Dee you might have to correct me but is it something like 'forgivness is on their timescale not ours' when relating to hurt caused to others.
I find this quite humbling that I have to wait to be forgiven and in the mean time I can only show my sorrow by my new sober behaviour and descions.
Keep your chin up xx
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,531
Do not go down that road, bluegem. Guilt, remorse, regret all kept me from healing. I relapsed a few times because I simply couldn't handle the emotions as I came out of my fog.
I finally told myself that the 'real' me would never have behaved that way - alcohol turned me into a person I didn't even recognize. The drunk me was a fool - but she's gone, and never coming back. I owe it to the sober me to enjoy the life I have ahead.
Remember what drinking did to you - but please give yourself a break and stop replaying past events. Those old memories will fade in time. It's a new day - the best years are still in front of you.
I finally told myself that the 'real' me would never have behaved that way - alcohol turned me into a person I didn't even recognize. The drunk me was a fool - but she's gone, and never coming back. I owe it to the sober me to enjoy the life I have ahead.
Remember what drinking did to you - but please give yourself a break and stop replaying past events. Those old memories will fade in time. It's a new day - the best years are still in front of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Wales, UK
Posts: 78
thank you all it has really helped reading all your replies...
I have just started new therapy and part of that is learning how to live in the present, rather than thinking about things in the past or worrying about the future, hopefully it's something I can practise more and more until it comes easily... and hopefully become a better person in the process...
I have just started new therapy and part of that is learning how to live in the present, rather than thinking about things in the past or worrying about the future, hopefully it's something I can practise more and more until it comes easily... and hopefully become a better person in the process...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 24
my old roomie and biz partner and I used to call it the moral hangover, but then we learned that some picking-up-girls-teaching guys use that as a sex term. now I call it "the guilts"
the guilts are the worst thing in this life, barring actual tragedy. I know of nothing short of the loss of a loved one or real tragedy that is that bad.
I've read about the guilts on the internet. Apparently alcohol causes a serotonin rush, when the alcohol wears off, the serotonin levels plunge, quite like a steroid user experiencing low testosterone once qutiting and sometimes growing boobs (b!tch tit, as its called).
I've had the guilts after ever time I drink since the first time I drank. I was probably 18.
Brain chemistry is sort of our emotional reality, a dude on coke really does feel as cool as he thinks he does, a guy with the guilts really does feel that bad. I cope with the guilts by just remembering that its my brain screwing with me, and I'm not too bad of a guy. Maybe reading up on it would help?
the guilts are the worst thing in this life, barring actual tragedy. I know of nothing short of the loss of a loved one or real tragedy that is that bad.
I've read about the guilts on the internet. Apparently alcohol causes a serotonin rush, when the alcohol wears off, the serotonin levels plunge, quite like a steroid user experiencing low testosterone once qutiting and sometimes growing boobs (b!tch tit, as its called).
I've had the guilts after ever time I drink since the first time I drank. I was probably 18.
Brain chemistry is sort of our emotional reality, a dude on coke really does feel as cool as he thinks he does, a guy with the guilts really does feel that bad. I cope with the guilts by just remembering that its my brain screwing with me, and I'm not too bad of a guy. Maybe reading up on it would help?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
A few years ago I remember being full of regret and shame after a night of drinking and many a mistake made... I remember the next day sitting with a friend, opening a bottle of rum despite our hangovers, and I remember thinking "if I get through enough drinks I'll stop being embarrassed of what I've done."
Yeah... and then I woke up the next day feeling even MORE embarrassed and ashamed.
You're 81 days sober - so what's that? 2 and a half months? That was the worst time for me when I was sober, too, with the regrets - I think after the 3 month mark I was starting to feel more solid in my sobriety and feeling 'YES! I am doing this!" And the feeling of regret and remorse was replaced by a feeling of positivity about the future. We can't change who we were. We can't even change what we've done and said. You know that you are no longer doing the things that you regret from your past, and that is what is important - that you are no longer doing it. I'm over six months sober now and I still feel pangs of regret sometimes... but I know that I am a different person now, and I hope that others can see that, too.
When I found myself a few months ago feeling as though I couldn't continue because of all the regret I had in the past, I would look in the mirror and say "you are you NOW, not then" and it really helped. I know it sounds crazy, but just grounding myself in the present and knowing that what happened in the past cannot be changed and what happens in the future cannot be predicted but RIGHT NOW I am the person looking in that mirror, sober and in control of life. It really did help in the beginning.
Yeah... and then I woke up the next day feeling even MORE embarrassed and ashamed.
You're 81 days sober - so what's that? 2 and a half months? That was the worst time for me when I was sober, too, with the regrets - I think after the 3 month mark I was starting to feel more solid in my sobriety and feeling 'YES! I am doing this!" And the feeling of regret and remorse was replaced by a feeling of positivity about the future. We can't change who we were. We can't even change what we've done and said. You know that you are no longer doing the things that you regret from your past, and that is what is important - that you are no longer doing it. I'm over six months sober now and I still feel pangs of regret sometimes... but I know that I am a different person now, and I hope that others can see that, too.
When I found myself a few months ago feeling as though I couldn't continue because of all the regret I had in the past, I would look in the mirror and say "you are you NOW, not then" and it really helped. I know it sounds crazy, but just grounding myself in the present and knowing that what happened in the past cannot be changed and what happens in the future cannot be predicted but RIGHT NOW I am the person looking in that mirror, sober and in control of life. It really did help in the beginning.
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