Change4Better

I just can't do it. Another weekend, another Sunday spent hungover and regretful / ashamed. I am at the point where I am just so tired of caring so much. Like if I can't stop this cycle then maybe I should just give in to it. Living in this halfway 'want to quit, yet don't quit, feel horrible that I didn't quit' life is exhausting. I can barely type my hands are shaking, turned down my hubby's request that I go get a Bloody Mary with him to help cope so he's going to get one by himself. And I am laying in bed shifting between crying and being too tired of crying to cry. Sigh.

suki44883

You can do it, C4B. If I can do it, so can you. What kind of support do you have for yourself? SR is great online support, but have you considered getting some face-to-face help? I have to say it does concern me a bit that your husband encourages you to drink. Recovery can be difficult in and of itself, but it's much harder when you are living with someone who suggests drinking when you are hungover.

Change4Better

I am thinking of seeing a psychiatrist. I'm not sure. He is an alcoholic too and has been to rehab twice..he also takes Naltrexone but if he misses a pill (like this weekend) he and I both drink entirely too much. Difference being once he starts he basically goes in to overdrive and it takes him not being able to swallow food or becoming violently ill before he stops. I'm worried this will be another of those times but I've learned there's nothing I can do to stop him.

Anna

Above all, you must not give up and give in to this disease.

If what you're doing is not working, then do something else.

Can you go into an inpatient treatment centre where you would be away from alcohol for several weeks?

Change4Better

I envy that he got the chance to safely detox and go to rehab. I've always been the stable one in terms of jobs. I can't take time off for something like that.

oh2exhale

Dear Change you will get well when you decide to get well-when you say, "ive hit bottom-" there are wonderful, sober people to help. Go to a meeting today.
Be good to yourself!

ricmcc

Perhaps you can see that by posting here, you are not halfway between wanting to quit and not wanting to quit. Surely the effort of posting while feeling as you do indicates at least a desire to quit? Refusing a drink that would have offerred temporary relief maybe indicates a desire to follow through on your desire to quit, so please give yourself credit at least for that. I think that sobriety can seem unattainable if you expect it to happen all at once; it certainly has not for me, but I have found that my goal of becoming truly sober seems more attainable the longer that I work at it. Very likely I will never be entirely satisied with myself, and very likely I never should attain such a state. I can say that I do like myself more with each day I refrain from drinking, and the problems may well number the same, none of them now seem quite so overwhelming. This progress is for me enough to make me wish to continue; perhaps you should give it a shot, that is to say, be satisfied with progress rather than feeling a failure for not already being at your goal. Above all, think yourself worthy of leading a life more satisfactory to you; for whatever it is worth, I do believe that you and all working toward recovery are all worthy of the many nice things life has to offer---rick

Natom

You WILL GET THERE. People who want to change always do. It's just when you get there that's the case. You're doing well just by being on this site in my opinion. It takes a lot of courage and strength to even attempt to do anything about an addiction problem.

Itchy

C4B,
I was a lot like you. I finally decided that I would just give in, as you are considering. I did for another two years. By then I had progressed to the point I had to drink scotch shots in my first coffee just to stop shaking and sometimes spilled more than I took in. Other times I would puke it up before it started to settle my body and mind down. That was every day drinking 30 plus units, from wake up to pass out. Sometimes I drank even more.

Your alcoholism will progress as it does for all.

No scare tactics worked for me. Like you I decided that I could not do rehab or afford in hospital detox. Now why would you not have time? So you can continue until you lose your job and then you will have the time?

Look, I needed a jump start so I could get free for good. I found an in hosoital detox, 7 days, safe and painless. I went, got free two years ago, and nothing could drag me back. I had a rough first three months and rather than drink I vowed to never have to go through all of that again.

You just won't admit your problem, make time, and get support from your folks at work.

Doctors, lawyers, bankers and warriors as wel, as housewives fathers and children have all made time and gotten free.

The problem with continuing is survival. The problem with stopping is inconvenience.

Cost/benefit analysis?

I hope you read and make time now, to not have time sober later, and have a productive future again.

Change4Better

You're all right. I definitely want to stop in theory. I certainly don't want to feel like this every weekend for the rest of my life. I just don't seem to be able to out theory into practice. If I could get through just one week without a drink that would be such a HUGE accomplishment for me. Maybe a meeting every night is what I need to stop me from the blackout Fridays / Saturdays. If I could bottle the motivation I have to stop when I feel this bad, I'd take a sip of that every day.

suki44883

C4B, if you have insurance through your employer, check out the coverage. Mine covered 6 days in detox and then another six weeks in an out-patient program (two weeks for 6 hours a day and four weeks of half-days, and I went to work in the afternoons). You can use FMLA (family medical leave act) and they cannot fire you. You won't get paid (unless you use your PTO (paid time off), but you will still have your job. It is definitely worth checking out.

Itchy

In hospital detox is one week. Mine was medical detox so drugs were used, librium and others I think. I was locked in by request as I quit my three pack a day smoking habit using that detox for both. I did not want to be able to go out and bum a smoke. I am two years free of both.

Notice how above you side stepped in hospital detox! It is fine if you can do it otherwise. But we all went through trying to hide it, and only when I got sober did I realize how little anybody else cared. If asked I will talk about it today. But it isn't an issue for me or mine anymore.

Why? Because I finally realized that I wasn't getting better alone, time to call in backup.

artsoul

Sobriety in a bottle - now that would sell, lol!
You can have the same results, though, by making the connection in your head ("playing the tape through to the end" as they say). We always seem to stop the tape at the point where we think a few drinks will make us feel better.

You got that right. Those days were the most miserable I've ever been. Ironically, getting to the end of our rope is when we're finally able to let go.

fallingtogether

C4b, it doesn't have to be this way! For me, the anguish,guilt, embarrassment, and sickness were all gone when I Eli inmates booze from the equation. I was fortunate enough to find help with aa. I didn't have serious withdrawals, but I would have sought out the help of a dr if I did. It's isn't something to mess around with! Don't forget where you are mentally and physically right now. Bottle that up somehow, and turn to it when you want to pick up. I'm sure it would be a lot easier to say no. We are here to help you! Consider it divine intervention or a gift from your higher power! Lol we have all been there! Best wishes!

Itchy

I am not deprived, I chose to survive.

fallingtogether

I agree itchy! I am free to live!

Change4Better

I'm slowly starting to feel better -- maybe this isn't the right forum for this, but is there a way to alleviate the guilt associated with things one has done while drunk? I keep running the events through my head (those I can remember) and I feel so embarrassed. Nothing illegal, mind you. Thankfully!! But I tend to get overly amorous while in my near blackout/actual blackout state and last night was another new low.

Dee74

The guilt got better the more I lived the way I knew I ought to C4B.

There's a lot of good advice here - no situation is hopeless...

I hope you'll really look into whatever you can do, what help you can get to turn this around

You can do this
D

kittycat3

C4B I am there with you. I still sometimes get flashback memories of things I've done while drinking. I can say with time, this will pass and memories will fade. I choose to not dwell on the past and things I can't change and try to focus on the positive changes I'm making to distance myself from that kind of behavior.

PS I bet you haven't done anything that the rest of us haven't done while intoxicated too. Stick around here, you will see familiar stories again and again. And people get past it! Most times YOU are the only one remembering the behavior as well as anyone. When I think about times I've seen other friends in embarrassing states it can be hard to jog my memory, and I have plenty of friends that overdo it on the booze.

Delilah1

Someone o detailed me there are no such things as mistakes, just opportunities to learn and grow. t try to remind myself of this. I have tried to quit by myself and it never worked. Thursday night after drinking 3/4 of a large bottle of wine and the. Being up until 2am, I knew I needed to stop. I called in sick, made and appointment with my insurance and went to the chemical dependency department. I saw a counselor (who I will not meet with weekly), and a doctor who prescribed meds to help with the withdrawals. They have not been too bad, today is day three and it has been the most difficult in terms of how I feel.

I am going to go to a four week group through my insurance, and supplement with AA meetings. I went to my first one on Friday afternoon, and it was a closed women group. They were so welcoming, and when I cried several moved closer and hugged me. I l ow I have a long way to go, but I have 3 days now, and I do not want to go back to that feeling of despair I felt onThursday.

I wish I could say it was easy, but the wonderful support on SR keeps me motivated that with time it will get easier.

I have three kids, and a job that I love (most days). My husband should probably stop drinking as well. He pops a beer as soon as he gets in from work. When I shared that I had decided to quit for me, and what I did on Friday he said oh. He has not been as supportive Asia would like, but I know that this is about my problem, and I need to focus on that.

Good luck!!!!!