Casmasta

I am about to have my 6 month birthday on the 23d..

I just went on an 8 day vacation to the East coast..
During my vacation, my friend took me to an Octoberfest celebration in her backyard.. One she kept repeating that she had RSVP'd to months ago, and couldn't back out..
I kept asking if it would be possible to just go for a couple of hours, then do something else..
She kept me there for 4, then had a fight with her drunken belligerent boyfriend for 2.
She commented later about what an awful host she was for putting her friend in recovery through that...
In my head, I feel like I should be able to be understanding of people who want to still drink to excess..

After a few days, another friend of mine flew in so we could drive up the coast of Maine..
She kept apologizing to me every time she ordered a glass of wine with a meal.
I honestly don't care if people drink a glass or so around me..
Drinking to drunkenness is, of course, a different thing.

On my way home, I stopped in Chicago to have a meal with some old friends..
They drank (between 6 people) 15 bottles of wine.
They made quite a few jokes about me not drinking.
Even pushed glasses towards my face, and talked about how jealous I must be..


I fought the feeling that I was jealous.
It made me sad, and because I love food, and everything that comes along with it(drinks included), that I was missing out on something.

It also made me think that I couldn't hang out with my friends anymore. Something I keep trying to fight as well.
Do I really have to start all over?
Can I really not hang out in social situations with my friends?
Ugh.
Stupid drinking.

Sorry. Venting.

Sapling

I would say you are a rock Casmasta....Amazing. I think as time goes on for you your life will change and so will your friends....Congrats on a well earned six months!!...What do you do for your recovery?

FreeFall

Sorry Cas, it sounds like your friends are really immature. At the very least, they don't understand how hard it is to get and stay sober and are being really unhelpful. You may have to just limit how long you spend with them for awhile, and be honest about why. Say you'd love to spend time with them, but if they're pushing drinks on you and keeping you in situations longer than you're comfortable you just can't do it.

It's understandable the whole thing was a bummer. Stupid drinking indeed! You met several challenges though and didn't cave in, so be proud of yourself. 6 months is awesome! All you missed really is a hangover or two. I don't like it when people apologize for drinking either, I'm just doing my own thing-they don't need to feel guilty.

bjames

How crappy of your friends. Good for you for sticking to your guns! That is amazing! Just remind yourself of how pathetic it is that they needed 15 bottles of wine to be able to have fun together. That's pretty sad imo. You're so much better than that.

Casmasta

Sapling..
I've been doing new things with my life since I quit drinking.. I started hiking, blogging, working on some photography stuff..
I took a couple of trips, and try new foods all the time. I also work more, and walk with another friend in recovery.
On hard days, I go to meetings.. Not a lot, but some.

I know that it's a good thing to not be drinking, and sticking to my guns about it..
But I feel this.. Emptiness. Still.
I feel like I now just thrill seek.. (i mean.. in that going out to eat, and going hiking is a thrill)
And when things aren't super fun, I get frustrated and upset.
I know that it has to do with my thrill seeking with alcohol and coke..
And everything else..
I just don't know how to break this behavior.

I wish sometimes that I could just be.
And then I get upset with myself for being upset.

I heard at a meeting that we are all "children of chaos."
And maybe I want a little chaos in my life.

It seems as though I'm always waiting for something to happen. Some big thing.

Why can't I just be?

Casmasta

Freefall--
When people apologize to me, it makes me feel all sorts of things..
Guilt, maybe. A bit of shame. Like they're shining a light on the fact that I'm not drinking..
It makes me feel a bit pathetic.


God, I am just having a really hard day.
Just so sad and lost and alone.
Terrified that this is as good as it gets.
And terrified that I'm just some ungrateful a-hole.

Sapling

Have you ever put any thought into getting a sponsor and working the steps?....That was the solution for me....It not only removed the drink problem as promised....It gave me a design for living without alcohol...I was clueless in that department. Even being sober I still had a living problem....That's what I needed.

Casmasta

I suppose I've been fighting it.
I haven't found anyone that I like enough, or respect enough to listen to.
But I suppose that's my ego talking.
Maybe I should start going to more meetings and meeting new people.
I guess that's something.

Sapling

I had an old timer tell me when I was just getting started....I always listen to them...He said check your ego at the door when you get here...That helped me a lot....I wish you the best...You sound like a strong lady.

Dee74

good to see you again cas

I had to do two things to find peace...I had to fundamentally accept I was an alcoholic and all the lifestyle changes that entails, and two...I had to build a sober life I loved.

Both those things took a little work, but once they're in place I've found my inside very rarely gets disrupted by what's happening outside.

I don't want to sound like a Zen master tho - I can still get annoyed and ticked off and have a bad day. Everyone's human

I've been lucky to have some amazing supportive friends - including friends who drink, but support me and my lifestyle.

I've still had to say goodbye to some other people in my life tho - people I love dearly - because everything they do is accompanied by drinking or getting high to excess.

Sometimes I closed the door, sometimes they did.

I've met a whole lot of new people tho, and re-connected with old friends - people who like the me I am now and the life I live now.

Is your life now as good as it gets?
I think that's very much up to you, cas

D

Casmasta

Thank you, Dee.
You're right. It's up to me. I just get frustrated with the way things are going so easily.
I have to keep reminding m?yself that this is still new. That I'm only 6 months clean, when I've been 20 years effed up.
I think I thought this vacation was going to be something spiritual, and it just wasn't.
I'm reminded of a quote fromMad Max Beyond Thunderdome..
"No matter where you go, there you are."
Pity party over.

FreeFall

Sometimes I think for a vacation to be spiritual you have to take it alone. When you're on other people's agendas it rarely is peaceful or thought provoking. Unless you're on a mission type vacation to help others, then the people make the experience...maybe you can take some days trips in your area and commune with nature to get the feeling you were missing...

I'm experiencing some of the needing a little chaos too. I guess we need something to look forward to, something that will feel exciting. Funny, when I was drinking all I wanted was some time away from the rat race, some peace and quiet, less chaos and drama. Have to find the happy medium!

firestorm090

It's true that we have to change a lot on the inside before it becomes evident on the outside.

One thing I was taught in treatment is that we have to put our recovery first, which in effect puts our health first and mental/emotional health is of utmost concern. When we choose to change our lives, we often have to change every thing about it, even if it means moving on from friends and family. I know my friends, in the end days of my drinking, wanted nothing to do with me, even my friends who drank. My family had written me off years ago, and were just plain tired of my broken promises.

That's when the counselor's advice to do this only for myself began to sink in. I had no one left, so who else could I recover for?

When I began to think that I was worth recovery, which was told to me countless times from others who were recovering, then I began to see others in my life in a new light. I now know that others cannot upset me unless I rent them some room in my head. For me, the rent rates went up astronomically, for I figure if you want space in my head, you're going to pay well for it, lol. So, raise your rent!

misskris

when I stopped drinking I dropped all my friends and became a loner for a long time. Id sit at home with my cat, and my computer...the only time I went out was for school or exercise. But I'm really glad I did because I realized...my friends don't miss me! They weren't my friends! What do we really have in common besides drinking??? And it gave me time to myself to learn who I really was as a sober person (the real me had been dormant for a long time) After awhile I made some great friends at school and I pretty much tell everyone almost upfront that I don't drink so were going to have to find other things to do and everyone is cool with that. Ive made some great friends who never make me feel bad about it and I don't miss my old friends one bit. AND my old friends were people who I had known since I was 4 so there was a lot of emotional attachment with that but I guess I just grew up! :-)


Oh and now when I see someone drinking around me boasting about how I must feel sad I just think "well no, one gram of alcohol has almost as many calories as a gram of carb and protein combined...so you enjoy your booze im gonna go have a steak!" hahahhaa