cathyb

Hi everyone,

I've been reading these post for a long time, and I finally joined recently. I would love any advice that you could give me because I am feeling so horrible right now.

My husband has been back from alcohol rehab for 6 days and boom, he has l day off and drank.

When I came home from work he was all happy, he had cleaned the house, kissed me and I knew right away that familiar smell. I looked at him and he said noooo i haven't been drinking...(lying again!!!) I did not feel like he had stabbed me in the heart, i felt like he shot me in the head. At first he was defensive, like he wanted a fight, told me that if i feel like leaving i should, i should not keep punishing myself...(huh?). I took a deep breath and said i am not fighting with you anymore. He and I were going to meetings tonite (AA & Al Anon) and then out to dinner. Hes like, do you still want to go to the meeting? I said, why? You need it not me. You are responsible for your own self, i am not...not anymore. You are on your own.

He did go to his first meeting since coming back from rehab and asked if I was going to wait up. No i said i'm not, its all on you now. I happen to be up watching tv when he got home...all happy with some new book with a bunch phone numbers of people he meet in a group meeting. The only thing I said was, did you tell them you had a relapse? No, he said there was not time, I go back Monday (yeah right) and i will do it then.

I am so confused, do I accept that he is trying again (he came home with some white chip which means I want to be sober)....do I help him? I do love him, but damn i just dont know. I wanted to email his counselor at the rehab center and say...wow, good job tim, hes drinking again.

Help?

Richie1977

I mean this with the upmost respect, you sound like my wife.... And she is the strongest woman in this world...he needs to be honest with himself first then you, and trust me you will make a good team once that's done.....if I could hug you I would...stick by him

zanzibar

Hi cathy welcome. You hit the nail on the head when you say you are responsible for you not him. He's in control of this not you and not Tim. Tim is only able to give your husband the tools to work with, and what he does with these tools is entirely up to him. There is a friends and family section here that may be able to offer more support. One question, did he go to rehab because he wanted to or because you wanted him to? As it really sounds like he's not ready yet and is still fighting recovery.

Sapling

Sorry for what you are going through cathyb....It's really hard for an alcoholic to give it up unless they are truly ready....I had to be beaten by alcohol into willingness....That I know. My wife got tired of it....That didn't stop me and she left. And that didn't bother me...I could drink without guilt....I found out how bad this disease truly had it's claws in me...7 years later I had to throw in the towel...I had no fight left....I was beaten and done. It cost me everything to get there. I went to rehab...I listened....I went to AA....I listened....I folllowed directions and have not had a drink in 15+ months. It's my experience that if he's not ready....He will drink....No matter what. I'm curious if going to rehab was his choice...Or yours?
As far as meetings go...I think Al Anon would be good for you....You have your own recovery to work on and there will be people there going through what you are....Alcoholism is a tragic thing for everyone involved....I've lived it....Check out the Friends and Family forum here also....There is support out there for you...Take advantage of it....You don't have to do this alone.

dSober

None of your husband's behaviours are the least bit uncommonl, for an addict. Alcohol is a VERY addictive sustance. It comes complete with severe physical withdrawl and many mental "goodies".

I've shaken badly for days. I've been hospitalized (alcohol withdrawl can kill you via seizures). I've lied, stolen, cheated, hidden my alcohol, tried to hide my drinking, the list goes on and on. I've also been in in-patient rehab twice and out-patient twice.

The good news is it can be beaten. The bad news is that the timeline is differnet for everyone. That, and frankly there isn't much YOU can do for him. Only fellow addicts can help him because only we can share our experience, strength and hope with him.

As for you, my advice is to be prepared for a bumpy, potentially long ride. But only you can decide if and when to get off.

I undersatnd that Al Anon can help also. Since you've been reading posts, I'm sure you know there are forums here for friends and family. As far as I and others are concerned, you're very welcome here. We all want, and need, to help each other every way we can. We all know, or will soon know, that our friends and families are significantly impacted by this viciuos disease.

Sapling

I see zanzibar asked the same question I did...Sorry...It's a great question.

cathyb

Thank all of you for the quick replies...if i could hug each of you i would, im fighting off a few tears right now, because you really made me feel like i was not alone...thank u so much...

You are right about the rehab. He has had trouble with drinking for the 13 years i've known him. He was also diagnosed with bipolar 8 years ago. I know the two together are lethal..

We have had numerous money problems thru the years, lost our house, i've got collectors calling me day and night....this on top of everything else can make you nuts.

Anyway, he was coming home from work one day with the usual enormous beer can (why do they make these??) when he was pulled over. He had not started drinking yet, but she says...i'm charging you with an open container and u r going to jail. And he did. Fortunately for him, he had not started drinking yet, so there was no dui. After I bailed him out, (stupid me), he realized that if he went to rehab it would be good for his court.
All the time i'm thinking, well, at least he will go. When he called me from rehab, many days he sounded horrible, and hateful that he was there, but other days he sounded so optimistic and ready to be sober. When i picked him up, l week ago today, he was so excitied about all he learned and was so proud of his chips. He talked about the people he met, and was excitied about moving forward sober. I swear, i've supported him in every step, wrote letters to him, sent cards, tried to keep things together financially while he was gone, and believe me, it was horrible during that time. He went back to work right away, and it went downhill from there. We had fights during this week, mainly because of his edgy attitude. Thats when i suggested we go to the meetings. Funny, he was off the day of our scheduled meetings when he drank. Wow, i guess this means that he was not ready then, and maybe he is not ready now.

FreeFall

Cathy, so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. The alcohol creates so many addtional problems it just snowballs and the sober one is left picking up the pieces. You'll have to decide how you want to handle it if he's not ready to quit. It sounds like he wants to make some changes but is not quite there yet...

There are forums here on SR for families that will probably be very helpful to you. Hang in there!

Sapling

I know when I was ready....I couldn't live like that any more...I was going to three meetings a day....I was terrified of picking up a beer. I couldn't go back to where I was. And it is incredible....The hurt and pain I put myself and anyone close to me through...And the amount of loss I suffered. Strong stuff is a serious understatement.

Richie1977

My wife had to remove all my bank cards, no transactions went unnoticed I was so bad I shook for two days in hospital... My wife threatened that she would separate and I saw the light... It took me over two years to do and I have failed many times even now I am struggling but my boys and wife are worth more than any beer by far

dSober

Glad rehab helped you the first time Sapling, unfortunately that's not the case for many of us. Everyone's timeline is different.

Sapling

I only went once....I was 51 years old and hopeless when I got there....I didn't even know what AA was. I think that's why it worked for me....You couldn't be more openminded than I was.....And I had the gift of desperation...I wouldn't have lived another year the way I was going. It was a perfect storm for me.

SSIL75

Welcome Cathy. As the others have said, it's really up to him to accept the finality of alcoholism. When I accepted it for me it was truly like a door closing. I had to really 'get' that I could never drink normally.

I wish I could fix it for you but unfortunately it's up to him. We're here for support though. I'm just a PM away

ricmcc

Cathy, I fully support you, and especially your realising that the decision on whether to continue to drink rests solely with him, while the decision on whether to continue to live with an active alcoholic is yours alone. What I perhaps misunderstand is your saying that he told you that he did not admit to having had a relapse during his first post-rehab meeting, despite accepting a white chip, the chip often considered to be the most importand, as it signifies a need and desire to stop drinking. and a commitment to do just that. He also certainly got such a chip during a pre-rehab AA meetings. As there is quite very often an overlap of the same people at AA meetings, and as it is certain that he, at least, did attend both a pre and post AA meeting, whether he knows it or not, he did at least tacidly admit to his relapse (not always the end of the world, a relapse, btw, actually more the rule than the exception). Of course this does nothing to diminish your pain, or the gravity of the decision you must make. However, I have noticed that in bad arguments words are often chosen for their ability to hurt rather than for there truthfullness---as to truthfullness, he did after all initially lie to you about having done some post rehab drinking, didn't he. Perhaps he did lie again when he told you that he did not admit his relapse to the meeting, I actually hope that he did--it is a most painful admission to make, and if he did make it, perhaps he is closer to recovery than he thinks. Or I could well be completely wrong, but will hope for the best, and do wish you the best as what lies ahead of you is going to involve pain, whatever decision you make. Sincere good luck to you---Rick

breath

Speaking from experience; when we are ready we are ready. Until we are ready to admit we are alcoholic and our lives have become unmanageable there is nothing anyone can do. We will hurt, lie, cheat, whatever to feed our disease. THere's little you can do to interfere in that process.
An eye opener with me was being told it was the only disease that is self diagnosed.
If you can hang on, great, but he hasn't hit bottom yet. It's all on him to want to get better(not cured).

dSober

Very cool avatar & location SSIL75. I'm still LMAO.