Damnit IndaMiracle... I failed bro.. again.
 

I swear the world is against me in college man. Freaking this female the other day flirting talking about going on a cruse with girlfriends and wearing who knows what, and I flirting back and she getting married and she buying a pitcher... yah. I think she want me to smash with her friends, which I don't mind, but dude... Then roomies had me take them to costco for alchy and party tomorrow...

How about this... How about after tomorrow I try harder to get past ten days??? Is that good? I will go for 15 days :) Is that good?

This is all up to you. The school is not against you , the people arent against you, there not on your side either..

You have to want sobriety more than you want to drink, that is the deal. Nobody can keep you sober. I cant imagine trying to be clean at your age.Like I have said before I think that is a miracle in itself..

And you start back up whenever you have had enough. I know for me it took decades for this disease to finally break me down to nothing. I had so many tomorrows I could never begin to count.

I wont advocate you going out drinking again tomorrow, but there is a saying in AA that I lived over and over. Letting the clown finish his act. Which just means that nothing anyone says or does wont keep someone sober, until they fully surrender.. And me , gesh this clown didnt want to ever really finish, I didnt think I could ever live without my best friend booze. So just keep coming back and trying to learn and approach it other ways..

I know I and many others here with still be here to help you when you want it.. Because you know you got great support and love here. :)

Good love, Inda

I had a lot of partying in my 20s and 30s Meso...I look back tho and I see I missed a lot of important stuff.

I don;t know there's any words that can convince a guy in his his 20s there's more to life, but I wish I'd been more sensible and more mature...but thats the way the cookie crumbles.

Everyone of us has a destiny...everyone of us is capable of great deeds....
if I've learned anything it's never too late, or too soon, to embrace that destiny, Meso.

D

And Meso,

You titled this that you failed, I couldnt disagree with that more. Your here and you keep trying. That is far from failure.

Each time you pick up , the one thing I notice you keep learning just a little more how much alcohol is a part of controling your thoughts and actions.. You are growing and learning.. Keep coming back.. :)

I needed failures in my sobriety to actually apply myself to getting clean and working a recovery a program. I needed several of them. Sometimes they are actually more good than harm. But I know now that if I went out again I doubt I would be coming back.

Deciding to be sober and staying sober is something that needs to be taken seriously. I say that only because I have made attempts in the past but never truly committed. The world is not against you. The world throws the same situations to everyone... there are times when alcohol is right in front of all of us, times when we could so very easily say yes when we should say no. Temptation is everywhere, for all of us. It's how we choose to see it that matters. I no longer view alcohol or situations where alcohol is involved as tempting, but to get to that point you have to have some good sober time behind you. You are never going to miraculously believe that you don't want to drink any more... it is something we have to decide, whether we like the thought or not, and then we have to commit to it and truly believe that we are strong enough to not let it sway us. You can make it as hard or easy as you want to make it. You don't have to drink - nothing is forcing you. The only person who can put the alcohol inside you is YOU, and the only person who can decide to not put alcohol inside you is you, too.

My past efforts were to control my drinking so I could drink forever! I never wanted to stop. Just over a week ago was the first time in my life I truly knew I had to stop, period. Not slow down, not knock off for awhile, not scale it back- just completely set the glass down and walk away. I think I'm strong enough to do that, which is lucky...'cause I know I'm not strong enough to have just a few.

MesoFreak, I remember that feeling of anticipation when a good drunk was being planned. The events got more frequent, and they got less anticipation until it was a frequent event, and then a daily one.

I'm not sure tho if I get what your post means, are you saying that you failed because you are planning to get drunk tonight? That this is a done deal? Are you asking our permission? We're not really good at that around here.

A guy in your spot, in college, with the choices you have, it doesn't sound like the world is against you all that much. I bet you still have your hair. You can decide to quit doing this to yourself anytime, because this really is your choice.

What are you using for your recovery Meso? Do you have any support?

I don't really buy into this argument that it is hard to quit in college. I went to college and I worked pretty hard to make sure that the people I hung out with and lived with were big drinkers. I could have just as easily made sure I hung out with the people who didn't get trashed every night. It's true that most people drink, but they do everywhere. Every social event I have been to people have been drinking, but then there has also been the odd one who hasn't. Personally, early on I couldn't trust myself to just do what I normally would do and sit in a corner with the drinkers so I had to avoid social events for quite some time. I am sure I could have done that at college too, just said I was studying. Getting sober is nothing to do with your external circumstances, it all happens internally and you can do it anywhere :)

Meso, you are definitely being handed some challenges, but we all are. The urge to party doesn't go away after college, trust me! I totally wish I had gotten my act together in college when I was young and the possibilities were endless. Instead, I kept up the drinking lifestyle for decades. My life would have taken a different path entirely had I made smarter decisions way way back. I vote to stick to the path you've started. Can you go to the party and not drink? Still have some fun but remain strong?

@Hypo, I really do think it is easier said than done :/ I don't have anything yet, I am supposed to see a counselor in early November; that's the earliest I could get my appointment with her.

@FreeFall, I was thinking this morning as I woke up with a slight hangover, I feel like being sober tonight :) I have my own room so I could always just hang out in here and study with my earphones on. Unfortunately my university doesn't have a 24 hour library or I would have been there instead, and I am far enough from anyone I really know to crash with them. If I do drink, I will keep it to a minimum and just focus on getting organized. I kind of let loose in my studies after I felt let down, and lied to by my university; the lie ultimately made me chose this institution over another. I have depression issues that once something like that happens I kind of shut down, and feel like given up :( So yah I do need to see a counselor because I am aware now that it is not normal to just shut down or want to drink, etc. I want to set up my schedule, make my to do list, catch up on my reading (I do love reading) And get ahead of my assignments. I am doing some assignments that I avoided doing for stupid reasons due today, and I am probably going to turn in trash, but it is better than getting a zero.

I know it's easier said than done, it is for anyone at anytime, just not impossible. Until November turns up could you go to some AA meetings? x