backbeat

Did it again and this time was 1,000 times worse. I didn't go to meetings, let it get in my head that I was happy and fine and would get to one sooner or later. I got lonely lately and last night told myself it would be ok. It had also been weighing on me that I hadn't been honest about my sober time with my therapist. I'm learning. I'm just doing it by process of elimination. I had been feeling like going to meetings would be a chore. Today I'm glad i can be around other people who understand the hurt I'm feeling today and I'm starting to look forward to my first meeting tomorrow. I feel so sick today I actually felt a few times I could possibly even die. Took until now at 9:30 pm to muster the energy to post this

Needsassistance

Sorry you're going through this today back. Tomorrow is a great time to start the clock again. please keep in mind that you have learned so much, and this bump is just that a bump in the grand scheme...one where you will learn more about this complicated disease and how to rid herself off it for good... Please don't beak herself up

DisplacedGRITS

glad to see you back here. starting again is hard but it's a start and that's what's important. we must be vigilant at all times during our sobriety. it is when we let our guard down that we are so susceptible to alcohol creeping its way back into our life. start again with honesty in your heart. even when you are afraid, be honest. i remember that you were scared about that situation with your therapist. i know what a bind you were in but you've learned from all that. i'm glad you were able to take something positive from all this. that's how we learn and how we grow. file that away. keep up the hard work!

FreeFall

One day the voice inside that tells you you CAN quit will be louder than the voice that says you can't. It sounds like you're really close, you keep coming back and trying again so the desire is there. Good luck at your meeting tomorrow!

Sapling

Glad you're back...Where are you now with AA?...Reading the book?...Trying to do 90 meetings in 90 days?...Have a sponsor?......I guess what I'm asking is...What lengths are you going to...To get alcohol out of your life for good?

backbeat

Thanks for all the support. Sapling - nowhere yet. Today I couldn't get out of bed until 4pm and even that was just to get sick. I don't even consider today day 1, that will be tomorrow. I have a vague memory of drinking by myself and noticing the sun coming up this morning. I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I used to do this 2 - 3 times a week and lived to tell about it. This is the worst I've felt after drinking in years. Seems like my body definitely wasn't used to it anymore. That's a good thing.

Tomorrow I will get to my first meeting. If I wasn't incapacitated today I would have gone today. Thank God this board is here. While I was sleeping today, I woke up off and on and thought about suicide a few times. I didn't really think about actually taking the steps to do it, but the thought was there. Making sure I journal all of this.

Edited to add - It's weird how for me this stuff doesn't seem to really become "real" until I write about it. I guess I'm very good at being in denial. I just re-read this whole thing and thought, wow, holy **** I really did do this, and I really am a bad alcoholic, and I really did think about offing myself.

Sapling

Oh...You're just getting your feet wet...Check out the meeting...Try and listen for similarities and not differences....See what you can relate to....As far as denial goes....I almost rode that into my grave....Have a good meeting tomorrow....Let us know how it goes.

missingtheoldme

Backbeat....I hear you...you were me 11 days ago. And I feel your pain. I still don't know why I chose to hurt myself this way over and over again. Disease yes...but we are smart intelligent people. I understand incapacitated...we have all been there many times. So happy you mustered some energy to write to us. We are here for you. I too had thoughts of suicide many times...not feeling good enough and that I couldnt get out of the cycle and fix life. Happy to hear they were thoughts and not the planning of steps. We think this way because we feel unworthy of living in this world because we feel so weak. You have strength and you want better. It is quite something to write down our actions and see them for what they are...it is scary but real. Happy you did that. Get to that meeting tomorrow and keep talking to us. There is a meeting here at 9 pm Toronto time...not sure what that is for you. Hope you join us. Remember how awful you feel right now....it is never worth it...Tomorrow is a new day

backbeat

Exactly. I feel like a mess. A selfish, weak, unreliable, overindulgent mess.

Thanks, again, to everybody for your kind words and help.