Resentment and obsession
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 516
Resentment and obsession
Are they a normal part of being an alcoholic? I'm so full of resentment and I'm obsessed with comparing myself to others. I think whole hours of my day consumed with these thoughts. I'm only now really becoming aware of it.
Some guy cut me off in traffic the other day and then stuck his fingers up at me. I ended up crying in the car. Not really because of what he'd done but because I knew that in 6 weeks time, I'd still be as angry as if it'd just happened. It's no way to live.
Some guy cut me off in traffic the other day and then stuck his fingers up at me. I ended up crying in the car. Not really because of what he'd done but because I knew that in 6 weeks time, I'd still be as angry as if it'd just happened. It's no way to live.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
what are you resenting? why are you obsessing? are you not coming to terms yet with your sober lifestyle? is there a part of you that's harboring the hope that one day you can join the ranks of the "normies" and be able to drink responsibly again? or do you feel resentful of people who can drink normally while you can't?
i had those feelings for a while as well. what's helped me is to not dwell on what i can't do and to be grateful for what i have thanks to my sobriety. i don't consider myself abnormal. instead, i consider my choice of sobriety as a lifestyle choice. sobriety was my choice. i could choose to drink again. nothing is stopping me but the fact that i've made a free choice in my life not to. since this choice was mine and mine alone to make, how can i harbor resentment? comparing yourself to others does you no good. you don't know where they are in their lives and what choices they have made to lead them to where they are right then. perhaps some of those people you see drinking are actually struggling with addiction. alcohol or something else. most likely, they have their own struggles in their lives that they are dealing with. obsession over other people takes your focus off your own recovery.
as far as the guy being a jerk on the road, it's going to happen and sure, it can catch you at an emotional weak point. if you have to cry, go ahead. you're allowed to. but let go of your anger. try to view the world from other people's perspectives. who knows what that guy's day has been like to cause him to lash out? or maybe he's just a natural jerk. at least you're not related to him! we aren't expected to shield ourselves from our own anger. it's a valid emotion. we just have to learn not to let it fester in ourselves. feel your anger, let it go and move forward. personally, i have a quick, intense hot streak in me so it's taken me a lot of time, practice and energy to learn to let my anger go. it's a work in progress but it feels really good. don't rush yourself. just keep practicing and be gentle with yourself.
i had those feelings for a while as well. what's helped me is to not dwell on what i can't do and to be grateful for what i have thanks to my sobriety. i don't consider myself abnormal. instead, i consider my choice of sobriety as a lifestyle choice. sobriety was my choice. i could choose to drink again. nothing is stopping me but the fact that i've made a free choice in my life not to. since this choice was mine and mine alone to make, how can i harbor resentment? comparing yourself to others does you no good. you don't know where they are in their lives and what choices they have made to lead them to where they are right then. perhaps some of those people you see drinking are actually struggling with addiction. alcohol or something else. most likely, they have their own struggles in their lives that they are dealing with. obsession over other people takes your focus off your own recovery.
as far as the guy being a jerk on the road, it's going to happen and sure, it can catch you at an emotional weak point. if you have to cry, go ahead. you're allowed to. but let go of your anger. try to view the world from other people's perspectives. who knows what that guy's day has been like to cause him to lash out? or maybe he's just a natural jerk. at least you're not related to him! we aren't expected to shield ourselves from our own anger. it's a valid emotion. we just have to learn not to let it fester in ourselves. feel your anger, let it go and move forward. personally, i have a quick, intense hot streak in me so it's taken me a lot of time, practice and energy to learn to let my anger go. it's a work in progress but it feels really good. don't rush yourself. just keep practicing and be gentle with yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 516
Thanks for your answer, Displaced. I've never really thought about what's behind my resentment to others. It's not so much that I resent them being able to drink normally. It's more to do with seeing people my age and younger just getting on with their lives. This struggle is something they don't have to deal with. I see them getting ahead and I'm just not at that place right now. I try to wish them the best in my head and let go of it but it definitely lingers.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
i understand that. i look at my friends on Facebook and so many of them have beautiful babies and lovely houses and careers. i'm sitting here in a rental unit with no baby, no job and a house in Alabama that's either going for a short sale or going to be foreclosed on. but my life is my life and i am grateful for what i have. we can't compare our lives to other people's lives. life just doesn't work that way. sure, we struggle with alcoholism but we can only imagine what other people struggle with that we don't even know about. abusive spouses, money problems, illness in the family, mental illness....the list goes on an on. some people even struggle with things they haven't even identified yet. at least we know our demon and are dealing with it. don't push yourself too hard or too fast in your recovery. by building a solid base, you make the rest of your recovery strong. we have time. your life is yours to live so live it your way. you should be proud of yourself right now. not everyone who suffers from alcoholism identifies their problem and decides to face it. many, many people deny it to their grave. in that respect, you're already ahead of the game. so many out there would look at your life and envy what you have right now. be proud and grateful for what you have. you've earned it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
We all go through what we need to learn in this lifetime, and you are learning to deal with addiction. Not everyone has to deal with addiction, but everyone has a story and something to deal with. It's what life is about. Focus on the positive and use your energy to further yourself. Have you read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 516
Thanks Displaced. As per usual, great words of wisdom from SR! I suppose I'm always doing the old 'comparing my insides to everyone else's outsides'.
Thanks Anna. I haven't read that one yet. Only starting to get into Eckhart Tolle in the last few days. I got the 'Power of Now' audiobook but I might get the regular book because I don't like his voice! Thanks for the advice.
Thanks Anna. I haven't read that one yet. Only starting to get into Eckhart Tolle in the last few days. I got the 'Power of Now' audiobook but I might get the regular book because I don't like his voice! Thanks for the advice.
Professional Drunk
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 465
hi Eli,
I also have trouble with constantly comparing myself to others. I really screwed up the last 5 years of my life cuz of my drinking, while it seems almost all my other friends are successful and happy. It's this fear of being a failure that was the root of my alcoholism and I self-medicated because I couldn't deal with it.
When I drank, my self-esteem was bordering narcissism and I would boast about stuff that probably never happened, but it made me feel good.....until the next day when i wake up and cringe with horror about what I did/say.
I also have trouble with constantly comparing myself to others. I really screwed up the last 5 years of my life cuz of my drinking, while it seems almost all my other friends are successful and happy. It's this fear of being a failure that was the root of my alcoholism and I self-medicated because I couldn't deal with it.
When I drank, my self-esteem was bordering narcissism and I would boast about stuff that probably never happened, but it made me feel good.....until the next day when i wake up and cringe with horror about what I did/say.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 360
I have a major problem with resentment, I hate so many people for so many different reasons. People who have been jerks to me, people who are arrogant, things that happened in the past...
I lay awake at night and create situations in my head, confrontations with them, think about beating them to a pulp or telling them how it really is and storming out on them. I feel like I don't want to forgive them or let it go, if I do that then I'm just rolling over and allowing them to walk all over me. I don't owe them forgiveness, I don't owe them anything, and the moment I change that, I've let them win, and that's a terrible thought, they don't deserve to win, they don't deserve my respect.
I shouldn't think that way, and the situations I create in my head are fictional, they never happened, but I find myself thinking about these things until my fists are clenched and my muscles are all tense, it's not healthy to be angry like that for no reason.
If it was as easy as letting go of it then it wouldn't be a problem, but it's not as easy as just saying "I forgive you", it doesn't work that way, the words are hollow and meaningless and I can't force them to have significance. I understand that it's a big part of the 12 steps but I don't know how people can just get rid of that stuff, it's something I really can't seem to comprehend.
I lay awake at night and create situations in my head, confrontations with them, think about beating them to a pulp or telling them how it really is and storming out on them. I feel like I don't want to forgive them or let it go, if I do that then I'm just rolling over and allowing them to walk all over me. I don't owe them forgiveness, I don't owe them anything, and the moment I change that, I've let them win, and that's a terrible thought, they don't deserve to win, they don't deserve my respect.
I shouldn't think that way, and the situations I create in my head are fictional, they never happened, but I find myself thinking about these things until my fists are clenched and my muscles are all tense, it's not healthy to be angry like that for no reason.
If it was as easy as letting go of it then it wouldn't be a problem, but it's not as easy as just saying "I forgive you", it doesn't work that way, the words are hollow and meaningless and I can't force them to have significance. I understand that it's a big part of the 12 steps but I don't know how people can just get rid of that stuff, it's something I really can't seem to comprehend.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i found a great solution for resentments in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were "burned up."
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.
thats just a lil snippit.
Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were "burned up."
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.
thats just a lil snippit.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Admiral, you let them win when you obsess over them and they ruin the rest of your day and evening. who are they to take up your time and energy? WHO ARE THEY that they cause you distress after the confrontation is over? WHAT GIVES THEM THE RIGHT to inflict this pain upon you?...well, you do. so only you can change it. forgive them or don't. it doesn't matter. all that matters is you let it go. you don't have to forgive. you take the power back from them when you don't let them effect your life beyond the initial conflict. running the tape over and over in your head or playing out fantasy scenarios about how things could have, should have, ought to have gone does you no good and they win. you win when you drop it and leave it when you turn your back on them. they're not worth your time or your effort. your focus should be on you, your recovery and what you can do to make the most of your sober day.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: North Jersey
Posts: 207
I struggle with this all the time. I can become paranoid and obsessive, especially obsessive about a situation where I feel threatened or angry. I obsessed about a certain situation for nearly a year. It drove me crazy. Nothing could help, for me, except meds. Of course meditation helps me too, it helps everything, but just sayin'... it's an issue I deal with often.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Elizabeth,NJ
Posts: 13
My personal opinion, I don't think this is an alcohol issue.Well yes and no..It's more of an obsessive issue that you probably had before alcohol. I go through the same thing. Something bad happens I usually replay it over and over.Sometimes I make things up in my head and replay them over and over.When you quit not all your problems go away, they sometimes are presented a lot more clearer than you ever imagined. It can be overwhelming but now you can focus on your mental state without alcohol masking your emotions..Are you seeing a doctor?That's probably the route you should go.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 360
Originally Posted by DisplacedGRITS 
Admiral, you let them win when you obsess over them and they ruin the rest of your day and evening. who are they to take up your time and energy? WHO ARE THEY that they cause you distress after the confrontation is over? WHAT GIVES THEM THE RIGHT to inflict this pain upon you?...well, you do. so only you can change it. forgive them or don't. it doesn't matter. all that matters is you let it go. you don't have to forgive. you take the power back from them when you don't let them effect your life beyond the initial conflict. running the tape over and over in your head or playing out fantasy scenarios about how things could have, should have, ought to have gone does you no good and they win. you win when you drop it and leave it when you turn your back on them. they're not worth your time or your effort. your focus should be on you, your recovery and what you can do to make the most of your sober day.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: North Jersey
Posts: 207
Originally Posted by CleanmeupScotty
My personal opinion, I don't think this is an alcohol issue.Well yes and no..It's more of an obsessive issue that you probably had before alcohol. I go through the same thing. Something bad happens I usually replay it over and over.Sometimes I make things up in my head and replay them over and over.When you quit not all your problems go away, they sometimes are presented a lot more clearer than you ever imagined. It can be overwhelming but now you can focus on your mental state without alcohol masking your emotions..Are you seeing a doctor?That's probably the route you should go.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Perth, Australia
Posts: 24
I am a black belt at harbouring pointless resentment..I know exactly where you are coming from.
I found the most useful tool for me is this:
Sum up your thoughts in a few sentences. So in this case you would say something like: "I hate that arrogant guy for cutting me off, I hope he crashes his car and gets what he deserves."
Then pick a distinctive voice. Something like Darth Vader, Barack Obama, Mickey Mouse, the chipmunks, a local politician or celebrity, whatever.
Repeat the thought to yourself in that voice. What happens is that most of the time the voice makes the thought ridiculous and you will laugh at it. Imagine Barack Obama standing at the lecturn saying to a crowd "I hate that guy for cutting me off..etc"
It works for me with a lot of unhelpful thinking. I use Darth Vader, because a lot of my thinking is low self esteem things. So I imagine Darth Vader complete with the heavy breathing and saying "I'm so useless. I can't do anything" and I realise how silly the thought is.
I hope this helps, it is a great tool for me and I hope it helps you and others too.
I found the most useful tool for me is this:
Sum up your thoughts in a few sentences. So in this case you would say something like: "I hate that arrogant guy for cutting me off, I hope he crashes his car and gets what he deserves."
Then pick a distinctive voice. Something like Darth Vader, Barack Obama, Mickey Mouse, the chipmunks, a local politician or celebrity, whatever.
Repeat the thought to yourself in that voice. What happens is that most of the time the voice makes the thought ridiculous and you will laugh at it. Imagine Barack Obama standing at the lecturn saying to a crowd "I hate that guy for cutting me off..etc"
It works for me with a lot of unhelpful thinking. I use Darth Vader, because a lot of my thinking is low self esteem things. So I imagine Darth Vader complete with the heavy breathing and saying "I'm so useless. I can't do anything" and I realise how silly the thought is.
I hope this helps, it is a great tool for me and I hope it helps you and others too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,180
I can relate to this and started a similar thread some months ago. Iwas advised to forgive and wish peace and happiness to the person I resent.I was sceptical,but it works. It felt silly at first but keep at it-you will feel better-about yourself and then theobsessive thoughts/imaginary conversations in your head will reduce
Someone (can't recall who sorry)also suggested "think right/feel right"-a brilliant book which really does change the way you think and feel
Someone (can't recall who sorry)also suggested "think right/feel right"-a brilliant book which really does change the way you think and feel
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I don't know if you go to AA or not Eli, but read page 61 of the big book and see if that rings any bells. It did for me. I came to realise pretty late on that I was a complete control freak, and that really I held resentments because people didn't do what I thought they should be doing. Even in comparing myself to other people, in a way which should be me feeling sorry for myself... I actually thought less of them for having a seemingly carefree existence.. I realise I am coming across as a horrible person here but I just found it really interesting that what I thought was me feeling sorry for myself actually had it's roots in me judging other people.
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