Etta

I am so sick of myself. I just always think I can figure this out on my own. I have a professional job, etc. I just always think I can. Then something goes wrong. And what do I do? Drink, of course.

I'm a broken record, but nothing bad ever happens. On the surface, no one would ever guess I have a problem. I honestly think this is my biggest problem in terms of changing.

Does that make sense?

There's a little voice inside telling me I need to change but everyone else thinks I'm fine. I just find it easier to listen to that, if that makes sense.

Sparkelina

hi etta....

what u said definitely make sense to me. i feel the same way you do.

im just getting started on all this... but wanted to say hi.

i wish u the very best.

- Sparky

Sapling

I went a lot of years not listening to that little voice....I didn't realize how progressive alcoholism is....It blindsided me. I'd suggest you listen to you and what you know....No one else can give you the correct advice on that.

IndaMiricale

You can keep listening to them , until it just keeps progressing like it will. And when your all of sudden your in the hospital or lost a job. Then they will still say we didnt know your that bad...

And yes change is scary for the alkie. When it comes to realizing we need to lose that best friend and reliable crutch. Which never solves anything..

Listen to that little voice and work on making it a strong voice. Sobriety is a beautiful road..

MrsKing

It doesn't matter what everyone else knows or thinks. What matters is that you are not happy with your drinking and you know that you need to change. You can make it harder on yourself by believing that because others don't see you have a problem, then you clearly don't, or you can accept that other people may either be telling you what you want to hear, or just aren't looking/aware of signs. Those people are not the ones who will have to suffer the consequences of excessive drinking... you are. It is your body and your life - don't let what other people tell you impact on your decision to be sober.

Natom

I have that little voice Etta and his name is complacency. On my lifes surface people (bar my family) did not know I had a problem. I was attending university, I was working in both a professional capacity and had a part-time job. I had a very active social life and was at least passing my first year of university. But things came tumbling down pretty fast and it became apparent pretty swiftly that I had a problem that I needed help with.

You don't need to wait for bad things to happen before you decide to make a change in your life. You can make that change right now. I know it would have been easier for me to actually start my recovery journey nearly 18 months ago and I guess I did, but I didn't want it all that much. I didn't wanna put the effort in. I had to reach consequences and my own personal rock bottom before I was willing to recover.

hypochondriac

What is that little voice telling you Etta?

I was just the same as you. I was very competent at my job despite the hangovers and no one seemed to know I had a problem. People knew I drank but I never did anything stupid while drunk because I was really careful when I was other people. My real drinking happened when I was alone.

My little voice told me I was killing myself and that one day I would die at home alone and then everyone would know I was an alcoholic (this happened to my neighbour!). Yet despite being told by a neurologist that I had to stop drinking completely I still carried on.

The thing is, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, even medical professionals. The decision to quit has to be your own. I think I spent years wanting someone to tell me I had a problem, wanting someone else to take responsibility. But you have to do this for yourself. There was nothing about the negative consequences I had from alcohol that others could see. They couldn't see the nerve damage but I could feel it. They couldn't see how I had no self respect and was riddled with constant anxiety...

I think if your little voice is trying to tell you something then you should listen to it and make some positive changes in your life. I wish I had done it sooner. And so many people say that so it must be better on the sober side You have nothing to lose xxx

nonblondechef

I so agree with everything above. No one knew but me. And as selfish as this will sound, I, and I alone, am the only one who matters in this arena. It caught up with me. I was cornered and not being a very good liar, I had to take action and correct/protect me. Nine month later, I am actually grateful it all came to light. One happy, sober, shameless lady here. Welcome aboard, Etta - so glad you are here!

Etta

I agree with all of this advice. I guess I just have to admit that I am not ready.

I know how pathetic that sounds, but it's true. I really thought that when I finally admitted that I had a problem, my life would just magically change. I am sure that sounds ridiculous but I honestly thought that when I admitted I had a problem, there would just be no going back. I am realizing now that this is far more complicated than that. I kind of feel worse now that I have finally admitted (to myself) I have a problem, but I am not willing to do anything about it. That is just so sick.

I really appreciate the responses and advice, and knowing that I can come here and that people will listen.

gincognito

Yeah I'm exactly the same as you. What are we to do? Keep going to meetings, don't harbor resentments, ask God for help. But really? There's no easy answer. Ask your fellow alcoholic for help.

timetobeclean

@ Etta, you don't sound pathetic at all. And shame and guilt is one of the biggest things that we have to deal with as alcoholics.

Anna

I agree with you Etta, and I think that is the worst emotional damage that this disease does to us. It fills us with shame, and keeps us down. Admitting you have a problem is a big step, but the next thing to do is to take action. Do something specific to change your life today, and make the decision to get rid of the alcohol in your house. Don't buy anymore. It will be the beginning of the healing and recovery.

Hevyn

Etta - you came here to discuss this, and that's progress. In your heart you know what needs to be done, and when you're ready you will begin your journey to sobriety. We know you can do it.

Etta

Thank you, all. I feel embarrassed that I post here but haven't taken any action to change. I read all these posts where people are doing it, and I am not.

Just being honest about where I am.

I am very grateful for this forum, though. Even though I haven't figured out what I am going to do.

Sapling

Just the fact you are here considering it...Is a major step in the right direction. I drank in complete denial for 35 years and it cost me everything and almost killed me....I couldn't do anything until I admitted I had a serious problem....I'd say you are off to a good start.

oh2exhale

We all are so grateful that you DO come here and post, you make a contribution here. It is my hope that you can recognize your preciousness and your value and that you are worth it. You deserve a sober life, you can make it! (((HUGS)))

karilynn27

Your in the right place and should not be embarresed as all of us have felt some of these same things.
In the very beginning it was important for me to take it one day at a time, I still do. Back then it was more minute by minute. When I figured out I could quit drinking for 24 hours, that was a game changer for me. I didn't think I'd make a week. 9 months later I have a life I never would have imagined.
Keep posting, keep reading and quit beating yourself up. As someone told me early in recovery....You are a gift
xoxoxo

MythOfSisyphus

That's not pathetic, it's a sign that there's a war going on in your mind. For years that war raged in my mind, too. Deep down I knew the clock was ticking and that I was on borrowed time. I wasn't sure when the train wreck would happen but all the signs were there.

One night I'd settled in with my nightly 3L box of wine. For some reason I'd postponed my usual start to drinking; some part of my mind was saying, Man, are we really gonna do this $hit again? I poured a glass but didn't drink for a good half hour while I googled alcoholism/addiction/recovery. Funny, as I downed a few glasses I felt that it would be the last time I drank. Next morning I went through my house and threw everything alcoholic into the trash.

Maybe you're not ready, maybe the seed is planted. But I can tell you longer you wait the stronger the Demon becomes and the harder it is to defeat.

IndaMiricale

Keep posting and reading

Bring the body and the mind will follow..

Black

Keep posting Etta, I was looking into these boards for 5 years and only posted 3 day ago.