It's time for me...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 24
It's time for me...
Hi everyone,
I literally just registered a few minutes ago but have been reading posts throughout the day. I know that I have been drinking too much for years now but lately it's been on my mind, a lot, to the point where I am having dreams about it. I am just sooo tired and when I see myself in the mirror, I look tired, overweight, and I am just so disappointed in the person I have become over the past couple of years. I don't know what the trigger is for me. I don't drink in the morning or afternoon. I drink at night when I am making dinner and I drink until I go to bed. Probably about 8 glasses of wine a night, and not small ones. My husband works at night sometimes and I'm bored and lazy, and it's just what I reach for. I'm sure there is an underlying issue, but I am not sure what it is.
What I hate most is that I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents and I promised myself this wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be that parent. Well, here I am. Why I started drinking in my late 20's I will never understand and it angers me. I was so good for so long and was always proud to say I didn't drink.
Well, I have had enough, I am tired of running to the store and my kids knowing what the "store" means, I am tired of gaining weight, I am tired of telling my husband a story and him saying I already told him that last night, I am tired of avoiding the doctor because I know they are going to tell me I gained 40 lbs and have high blood pressure, I am tired of everyone saying "Oh, she'll drink with you" - it's embarrassing, I am tired of waking up foggy, my heart racing feeling like it's going to explode, I am tired of the $ I spend every month on this, I am tired of getting angry for no reason, I am tired of everything. I put a good front on, I have a good job, an awesome husband, smart kids, everyone thinks I am a great person, but I don't think I am. I want the outside to match the inside.
I can't believe I have turned into me and I want to change. It's only been about 18 hours since my last drink. I have half a box of wine in my fridge and I don't know if I should dump it or drink it.
Thank you for listening.
I literally just registered a few minutes ago but have been reading posts throughout the day. I know that I have been drinking too much for years now but lately it's been on my mind, a lot, to the point where I am having dreams about it. I am just sooo tired and when I see myself in the mirror, I look tired, overweight, and I am just so disappointed in the person I have become over the past couple of years. I don't know what the trigger is for me. I don't drink in the morning or afternoon. I drink at night when I am making dinner and I drink until I go to bed. Probably about 8 glasses of wine a night, and not small ones. My husband works at night sometimes and I'm bored and lazy, and it's just what I reach for. I'm sure there is an underlying issue, but I am not sure what it is.
What I hate most is that I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents and I promised myself this wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be that parent. Well, here I am. Why I started drinking in my late 20's I will never understand and it angers me. I was so good for so long and was always proud to say I didn't drink.
Well, I have had enough, I am tired of running to the store and my kids knowing what the "store" means, I am tired of gaining weight, I am tired of telling my husband a story and him saying I already told him that last night, I am tired of avoiding the doctor because I know they are going to tell me I gained 40 lbs and have high blood pressure, I am tired of everyone saying "Oh, she'll drink with you" - it's embarrassing, I am tired of waking up foggy, my heart racing feeling like it's going to explode, I am tired of the $ I spend every month on this, I am tired of getting angry for no reason, I am tired of everything. I put a good front on, I have a good job, an awesome husband, smart kids, everyone thinks I am a great person, but I don't think I am. I want the outside to match the inside.
I can't believe I have turned into me and I want to change. It's only been about 18 hours since my last drink. I have half a box of wine in my fridge and I don't know if I should dump it or drink it.
Thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Hello, So Tired. First of all, I want to give you a 
for posting. As I was reading your post, I was going to pick out certain quotes and address them...until I realized that everything you wrote I could relate to! OMG, when you said you would tell your husband a story and he would say you already told him. TOTALLY ME. Welcome. I'm so glad you are here.
P.S. DUMP THE WINE.
for posting. As I was reading your post, I was going to pick out certain quotes and address them...until I realized that everything you wrote I could relate to! OMG, when you said you would tell your husband a story and he would say you already told him. TOTALLY ME. Welcome. I'm so glad you are here.P.S. DUMP THE WINE.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR. I can relate to the whole sick-of-it struggle with the bottle.
I hope this is a retorical question. If not, re-read you own post. Your answer is there.
Originally Posted by SoTiredOfThis 
I have half a box of wine in my fridge and I don't know if I should dump it or drink it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Newark, England
Posts: 62
I can understand where you are coming from, for the last twelve years I have been diagnosed with Chronic high blood pressure and been on tablets to control it, to keep it down to normal levels, without the pills it goes back up.
I have not missed any pills for more than a day or two in the last year, but back in April just after I quit drinking my blood pressure was sky high, even on the pills. I too would reach for the wine, usually two bottles a night, on top of four pints of strong cider some nights. I would wake up on the settee in the middle of the night or even morning, finish the bottle I had started and go to work, it was getting worse.
I had issues that were driving me too it and my relationship was crashing down around me until it was over, then I felt like ending it all and believe me I tried.
For me God put his hands on my wrists and whispered in my ear, and from that day I lived every day with small steps to recovery. It's not an easy journey at times, it can be painful, but now I feel alive, I feel free and I came on to this site this evening 27 weeks free of my demon and hoping to help those who find themselves where I was.
The hardest part was admitting my problem to myself, then to others, but once it's out there it can be sorted, kept inside it will destroy you.
I know I had my first warning 12 years ago when my blood pressure issues & heart strain were diagnosed, I had my second warning back in April when my blood pressure was sky high again and I don't think there will be a third warning, it will be heart attack time, so I praise the lord that he saved me and I can live again.
Don't be affraid to share you problem and however you chose to address it, through meetings or through church the important thing is you address it, seek out those who can help you and don't be affraid to let your walls down.
Be strong,
UR>
Wayne
I have not missed any pills for more than a day or two in the last year, but back in April just after I quit drinking my blood pressure was sky high, even on the pills. I too would reach for the wine, usually two bottles a night, on top of four pints of strong cider some nights. I would wake up on the settee in the middle of the night or even morning, finish the bottle I had started and go to work, it was getting worse.
I had issues that were driving me too it and my relationship was crashing down around me until it was over, then I felt like ending it all and believe me I tried.
For me God put his hands on my wrists and whispered in my ear, and from that day I lived every day with small steps to recovery. It's not an easy journey at times, it can be painful, but now I feel alive, I feel free and I came on to this site this evening 27 weeks free of my demon and hoping to help those who find themselves where I was.
The hardest part was admitting my problem to myself, then to others, but once it's out there it can be sorted, kept inside it will destroy you.
I know I had my first warning 12 years ago when my blood pressure issues & heart strain were diagnosed, I had my second warning back in April when my blood pressure was sky high again and I don't think there will be a third warning, it will be heart attack time, so I praise the lord that he saved me and I can live again.
Don't be affraid to share you problem and however you chose to address it, through meetings or through church the important thing is you address it, seek out those who can help you and don't be affraid to let your walls down.
Be strong,
UR>
Wayne
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
Welcome SoTiredOfThis, I too grew up with alcoholic parents, and told myself I would never be like that. How do you figure I made out with that. I started drinking in my early thirties. I realize you are trying to avoid the Dr but I really think you need to see him/her as the statement of I'm bored and lazy, and think there may be underlying issues has in my view depression written all over it. When you see your Dr make sure you tell him/her everything even what you don't see as important, the Dr can also help you with withdrawl symptoms. As for the box of wine I say dump it, this will not only get it out of mind, but it will also show yourself resolve. Good luck STOT.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 24
Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I know the first few days will be a struggle but I am really going to give this my all. It's not "nice" to hear people have also forgotten what they have said the night before, but it's nice to know you're not alone and don't have to be embarrassed. I also appreciate the words about the doctor. I totally intend to make an appointment but I just wanted to be able to say I know it's a problem, that's why I have started doing something about it rather than I know it's a problem and I have done nothing about it. Thanks again everyone. I know I need to dump the wine. It's 7pm - that's already a plus I made it through dinner...it's been a while since that happened. Baby steps...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Yes, baby steps. Take it one day at a time. That forgetfulness thing? It's known as "having a blackout" which totally shocked me. I was pretty sure that it meant passing out from being drunk and I was pretty proud of myself since that had never happened to me. When I found out it meant forgetting what I had said to people, well, that was a huge wake up call since it had happened so often in my case. I am so glad I don't have to go through that any more!
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
SoTired, it was the forgotten conversations that contributed a lot to me finally quitting. It went in stages, tho. For a long time, my adult children would tell me that we had already talked about that, with some surprise. Then it got to be anger, and I could tell they felt as though I cared so little for them since I couldn't even remember talking to them. The last stage was when I could see their colour in their face rise, and then take a deep breath and repeat what I needed to know, and with exaggerated patience. I knew by that I had blacked out again. So depressing.
The day came when I chose to quit this moronic behaviour. So I did it. My last drink was 13 months ago now. You can do it too. Keep posting, OK? There is a lot of support here for you.
And the wine you have at home? That's strange, you stopped drinking, and you have no need for it now. Onward!
The day came when I chose to quit this moronic behaviour. So I did it. My last drink was 13 months ago now. You can do it too. Keep posting, OK? There is a lot of support here for you.
And the wine you have at home? That's strange, you stopped drinking, and you have no need for it now. Onward!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 24
Freshstart, thank you. Yes, my kids and husband have pointed it out. My kids are little so they don't understand and just laugh. My husband on the other hand, knows, but doesn't point it out because he knows that I know why, too.
The wine is still in the fridge because I made the decision this morning that I've had enough and I had it left over. I am going to muster up the strength to dump it tonight, but it's not going to be easy.
The wine is still in the fridge because I made the decision this morning that I've had enough and I had it left over. I am going to muster up the strength to dump it tonight, but it's not going to be easy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Originally Posted by freshstart57
SoTired, it was the forgotten conversations that contributed a lot to me finally quitting. It went in stages, tho. For a long time, my adult children would tell me that we had already talked about that, with some surprise. Then it got to be anger, and I could tell they felt as though I cared so little for them since I couldn't even remember talking to them.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,498
Hi and Welcome,
My mother was an alcoholic and all my life I promised myself I would not be like her. Well, I hung in there till my mid-forties and then, very quickly, I became just like her. It was such a low point in my life and I was so horribly disappointed with myself. Know that you can move beyond this and live a sober life. And, yeah, do get rid of the wine in the house and any alcohol in the house.
My mother was an alcoholic and all my life I promised myself I would not be like her. Well, I hung in there till my mid-forties and then, very quickly, I became just like her. It was such a low point in my life and I was so horribly disappointed with myself. Know that you can move beyond this and live a sober life. And, yeah, do get rid of the wine in the house and any alcohol in the house.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Originally Posted by SoTiredOfThis
Freshstart, thank you. Yes, my kids and husband have pointed it out. My kids are little so they don't understand and just laugh. My husband on the other hand, knows, but doesn't point it out because he knows that I know why, too.
The wine is still in the fridge because I made the decision this morning that I've had enough and I had it left over. I am going to muster up the strength to dump it tonight, but it's not going to be easy.
The wine is still in the fridge because I made the decision this morning that I've had enough and I had it left over. I am going to muster up the strength to dump it tonight, but it's not going to be easy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 24
Thanks Anna and Pippo! Pippo, you are right, I'll just throw it out. Duh...there is something about pouring it out that seems liberating but you are right....I would probably pour it into a glass instead. I am getting tired so hopefully it will be a good night sleep. Usually, I am getting my second wind and not going to bed until midnight and then waking up at 6 to get the day started...exhausted.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, SoTiredofThis!
You're making the best decision possible for yourself. The first few days are the hardest, but it gets better with each day you stay sober. I was an evening wine drinker, too, and kept trying to cut down, unsuccessfully.
Alcohol is toxic (except in very small amounts), so think of that partial box of wine like it's antifreeze, like a poison you don't want in your life.
You can do it!
You're making the best decision possible for yourself. The first few days are the hardest, but it gets better with each day you stay sober. I was an evening wine drinker, too, and kept trying to cut down, unsuccessfully.
Alcohol is toxic (except in very small amounts), so think of that partial box of wine like it's antifreeze, like a poison you don't want in your life.
You can do it!
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
SoTired, that is exactly how you will feel when the last of the wine disappears down the drain. You will feel liberated, you will feel powerful, you will feel that you are doing something right for a change. You know that this is how you will feel. Strong and good. This is a good way to feel.
For me, this was anything but a trigger. Watching it go, gone forever, was reaffirming. Beats a wine buzz hands down.
For me, this was anything but a trigger. Watching it go, gone forever, was reaffirming. Beats a wine buzz hands down.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Welcome SoTired! Proud of you for having the courage to face this and take action. I wish I had decades ago.
It's amazing how we convince ourselves the drinks are making us feel better or less bored. In the end of my drinking career I was miserable, irritable, and boring. My nightly drinking turned into morning drinking eventually - we can develop a dangerous tolerance for it, and need more & more to get numb. That's not going to be your problem anymore, though! You can do this! We are here to help.
It's amazing how we convince ourselves the drinks are making us feel better or less bored. In the end of my drinking career I was miserable, irritable, and boring. My nightly drinking turned into morning drinking eventually - we can develop a dangerous tolerance for it, and need more & more to get numb. That's not going to be your problem anymore, though!
You can do this! We are here to help.
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