Did I Just Relapse? Please, please help!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
Did I Just Relapse? Please, please help!
Almost 7 months oxy-free, and hand-down the best decision I've made in my life. Three years of my life lost to oxy abuse, and I'm very grateful that it wasn't more. But I think I just effed up...I'm not sure.
Simply asking the question: "Did I just relapse?" made me realize how much I still don't know about recovery. And that's probably because I've resisted attempts to involve the support of others (groups, friends, a sponsor, etc.) whom I could have learned from. I'm very socially phobic, and also afraid I'll run into people I know if I seek outside help, which would be career suicide. I know, I know ~ excuses, excuses. In any event, I had been doing fine conquering this on my own with no slip-ups, but a few cravings here and there that passed quickly as I mentally reminded myself of that dark and desolate place I never ever want to revisit.
I just spend over a week in the hospital for adrenal failure and a Crohn's Disease flare-up. CT scans, upper and lower GI series and biopsies all showed inflammation infiltration and abscesses everywhere except my small intestine, and new inflammation in my esophagus. I've had Crohn's for over 20 years, with a minor flare up every year typically when the season changes from summer to fall. And usually one major flare up requiring hospitalization every few years. This one was major. The pain was unbearable. I tried to handle it myself by water fasting for two weeks and a half weeks prior to calling my doctor, to give my gut a break from the digestion process, hoping the pain would subside to a tolerable level. I'm still water fasting, and have lost 15 pounds in the process. Without the water fasting, I'm sure the pain would be worse.
Prior to being hospitalized, I saw my PCP, who prescribed an antispasmotic, after I told her I don't want any narcotic pain medications. She told me to call her the next day if things didn't improve. I called her, told her things were worse, and she told me to go to the ER. So, I did. The pain was worse than child birth, and although that sounds dramatic, I've given birth with no pain medication, and despite the beauty of the birthing experience itself, the labor pains were barbaric. At least then, I was rewarded with wonderful babies!
So, in the ER on Thursday, I was first diagnosed with adrenal failure. No pain there...just blood pressure issues, exhaustion, and minor nausea and dizziness. I was initially diagnosed with this last year after fainting as the result of my blood pressure crashing to 62/40. Luckily, my face broke my fall on the tile floor, and resulted in just a broken nose, and some cuts and bruises. I stayed in the hospital that time for over three weeks, and left feeling like a million bucks, as my hormone issues were addressed. Incidentally, back then, my endocrinologist said that narcotics can cause this adrenal failure (as well as lactation in women who aren't breast feeding, which was the case). As an aside, I advise all women currently using narcotics or have a history of using them, to consult their physicians, and ask for a referral for an endocrinology work-up, as adrenal insufficiency and adrenal failure are very serious disorders, which can oftentimes be fatal.
The other diagnosis given in the hospital, the one that caused the physical pain, was Crohn's Disease. The last time I was in this much pain was 2008, when the US had a salmonella outbreak, which for me, triggered a Crohn's flare.
While in the hospital last week, I asked the ER docs for pain relief, specifically high doses of Advil (because it addresses inflammation). They said Advil could be the cause of some of the pain in the first place, since I've been taking it at least twice a day after stopping the oxys back in March. I told them that I had taken oxys for 3 years, and stopped in March, and it was very important to me that alternatives be considered. They seemed sensitive to this, I thought at the time. They gave me morphine through my IV. It felt so weird and uncomfortable that I shouted at them to "turn it off!" It was a scary feeling, but almost instantly stopped the pain.
Long story longer, they stopped the morphine and instead gave me hydrocodone for main pain relief, and oxycodone for "break through" pain relief. "They gave me..." sounds like I'm the victim here. I allowed them to give it to me and didn't shoo them away from injecting it into my IV. And I was relatively pain free (say a "4" on a scale of 1-10), which was a great baseline for me through this experience for the majority of my stay there). I felt guilty every time it was given to me, yet I requested it more than once ~ oxy or hydrocodone (which I had never taken before), I didn't care which, as long as it either eased or stopped the pain altogether.
Fast forward to the day after discharge (this past Saturday). I called my pharmacist, whose help I enlisted back in March when I decided to quit the oxys. She's very supportive and knowledgeable, and was so on-board with me quitting the oxys. I explained to her the deal with the adrenal crisis and Crohn's flare, and the fact that I was given two prescriptions for pain medications (hydrocodone and oxycodone) upon discharge yesterday. I asked her if this will get me in troubles. She encouraged me to wait a day to think about it and decide whether I wanted it filled. The pain was so bad that I waited 8 hours to decide. I needed them, and I filled them. And I've been taking them, albeit only PRN as opposed to every 4 hours as prescribed, and cutting them in half (they're 5 mg pills). I first try my hot water bottle, heating pad, hot baths, meditation, and continuing my water fast.
But I just can't shake this feeling of failure because it was my goal to never, ever take pain medications again. I told my PCP this almost two weeks ago when I saw her, and she said "Never say 'never'."
Oddly, I was discharged WITHOUT the usual steroid medication I take for Crohn's flare-ups (prednisone). That said, I don't know if that's because I was discharged with a different steroid for the adrenal failure. I've never been discharged with prescriptions for pain medications for a Crohn's flare before, as steroids reduce the inflammation, which is the root cause of the pain. In my opinion, pain medications for gut inflammation just mask the symptoms and offer just temporary relief from pain. A doctor's way to shut a patient up?
Sheesh, this is a long post. I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I don't like the way the oxys feel, and it's almost as if it's a little bit of a foreign feeling to me...as if I have some sort of emotional amnesia about having had a love affair with them in the past. On the other hand though, I'm not in pain and that sure does feel good. My plan is to go back to work by the end of the week, as long as the water fast continues to chill out my gut, and the steroids start to kick in. As it is right now though, I can't get out of bed other than to use the bathroom, as I remain light-headed and weak. I was able to shower today for the first time since SEPTEMBER 27th. Yes, 14 days ago! I know, I know, gross. I've taken sponge baths, and that's all I've had energy to do.
So, long story even longer, is this considered a relapse? Was all that work, almost seven months worth for nothing? Am I starting all over again? I was so proud of myself. Like I conquered the worst evil demon while climbing the highest peak in the world at the same time. Now I feel as though I should have stopped the doctors instead of just mentioning my preferences to them. I feel as though I should have refused the pain medication and just sucked it up. I should have pulled the IV out of my hand. I wouldn't have died from the pain, even though there were times when I wanted to. At one point early on I said that I didn't want to leave the hospital with ANY pain medication. And what did I do? I left with not one, but two prescriptions for pain medication. And I filled them both the next day.
I'm sorry this post is so long. I feel like a big failure.
Has anyone else experienced this before? I'm going to try to post this in another part of this site, because all of my posts have been in the Newcomers section, and I might get more help with this in another area. I hope that's okay.
Thanks in advance for any help...Any help at all!
Simply asking the question: "Did I just relapse?" made me realize how much I still don't know about recovery. And that's probably because I've resisted attempts to involve the support of others (groups, friends, a sponsor, etc.) whom I could have learned from. I'm very socially phobic, and also afraid I'll run into people I know if I seek outside help, which would be career suicide. I know, I know ~ excuses, excuses. In any event, I had been doing fine conquering this on my own with no slip-ups, but a few cravings here and there that passed quickly as I mentally reminded myself of that dark and desolate place I never ever want to revisit.
I just spend over a week in the hospital for adrenal failure and a Crohn's Disease flare-up. CT scans, upper and lower GI series and biopsies all showed inflammation infiltration and abscesses everywhere except my small intestine, and new inflammation in my esophagus. I've had Crohn's for over 20 years, with a minor flare up every year typically when the season changes from summer to fall. And usually one major flare up requiring hospitalization every few years. This one was major. The pain was unbearable. I tried to handle it myself by water fasting for two weeks and a half weeks prior to calling my doctor, to give my gut a break from the digestion process, hoping the pain would subside to a tolerable level. I'm still water fasting, and have lost 15 pounds in the process. Without the water fasting, I'm sure the pain would be worse.
Prior to being hospitalized, I saw my PCP, who prescribed an antispasmotic, after I told her I don't want any narcotic pain medications. She told me to call her the next day if things didn't improve. I called her, told her things were worse, and she told me to go to the ER. So, I did. The pain was worse than child birth, and although that sounds dramatic, I've given birth with no pain medication, and despite the beauty of the birthing experience itself, the labor pains were barbaric. At least then, I was rewarded with wonderful babies!
So, in the ER on Thursday, I was first diagnosed with adrenal failure. No pain there...just blood pressure issues, exhaustion, and minor nausea and dizziness. I was initially diagnosed with this last year after fainting as the result of my blood pressure crashing to 62/40. Luckily, my face broke my fall on the tile floor, and resulted in just a broken nose, and some cuts and bruises. I stayed in the hospital that time for over three weeks, and left feeling like a million bucks, as my hormone issues were addressed. Incidentally, back then, my endocrinologist said that narcotics can cause this adrenal failure (as well as lactation in women who aren't breast feeding, which was the case). As an aside, I advise all women currently using narcotics or have a history of using them, to consult their physicians, and ask for a referral for an endocrinology work-up, as adrenal insufficiency and adrenal failure are very serious disorders, which can oftentimes be fatal.
The other diagnosis given in the hospital, the one that caused the physical pain, was Crohn's Disease. The last time I was in this much pain was 2008, when the US had a salmonella outbreak, which for me, triggered a Crohn's flare.
While in the hospital last week, I asked the ER docs for pain relief, specifically high doses of Advil (because it addresses inflammation). They said Advil could be the cause of some of the pain in the first place, since I've been taking it at least twice a day after stopping the oxys back in March. I told them that I had taken oxys for 3 years, and stopped in March, and it was very important to me that alternatives be considered. They seemed sensitive to this, I thought at the time. They gave me morphine through my IV. It felt so weird and uncomfortable that I shouted at them to "turn it off!" It was a scary feeling, but almost instantly stopped the pain.
Long story longer, they stopped the morphine and instead gave me hydrocodone for main pain relief, and oxycodone for "break through" pain relief. "They gave me..." sounds like I'm the victim here. I allowed them to give it to me and didn't shoo them away from injecting it into my IV. And I was relatively pain free (say a "4" on a scale of 1-10), which was a great baseline for me through this experience for the majority of my stay there). I felt guilty every time it was given to me, yet I requested it more than once ~ oxy or hydrocodone (which I had never taken before), I didn't care which, as long as it either eased or stopped the pain altogether.
Fast forward to the day after discharge (this past Saturday). I called my pharmacist, whose help I enlisted back in March when I decided to quit the oxys. She's very supportive and knowledgeable, and was so on-board with me quitting the oxys. I explained to her the deal with the adrenal crisis and Crohn's flare, and the fact that I was given two prescriptions for pain medications (hydrocodone and oxycodone) upon discharge yesterday. I asked her if this will get me in troubles. She encouraged me to wait a day to think about it and decide whether I wanted it filled. The pain was so bad that I waited 8 hours to decide. I needed them, and I filled them. And I've been taking them, albeit only PRN as opposed to every 4 hours as prescribed, and cutting them in half (they're 5 mg pills). I first try my hot water bottle, heating pad, hot baths, meditation, and continuing my water fast.
But I just can't shake this feeling of failure because it was my goal to never, ever take pain medications again. I told my PCP this almost two weeks ago when I saw her, and she said "Never say 'never'."
Oddly, I was discharged WITHOUT the usual steroid medication I take for Crohn's flare-ups (prednisone). That said, I don't know if that's because I was discharged with a different steroid for the adrenal failure. I've never been discharged with prescriptions for pain medications for a Crohn's flare before, as steroids reduce the inflammation, which is the root cause of the pain. In my opinion, pain medications for gut inflammation just mask the symptoms and offer just temporary relief from pain. A doctor's way to shut a patient up?
Sheesh, this is a long post. I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I don't like the way the oxys feel, and it's almost as if it's a little bit of a foreign feeling to me...as if I have some sort of emotional amnesia about having had a love affair with them in the past. On the other hand though, I'm not in pain and that sure does feel good. My plan is to go back to work by the end of the week, as long as the water fast continues to chill out my gut, and the steroids start to kick in. As it is right now though, I can't get out of bed other than to use the bathroom, as I remain light-headed and weak. I was able to shower today for the first time since SEPTEMBER 27th. Yes, 14 days ago! I know, I know, gross. I've taken sponge baths, and that's all I've had energy to do.
So, long story even longer, is this considered a relapse? Was all that work, almost seven months worth for nothing? Am I starting all over again? I was so proud of myself. Like I conquered the worst evil demon while climbing the highest peak in the world at the same time. Now I feel as though I should have stopped the doctors instead of just mentioning my preferences to them. I feel as though I should have refused the pain medication and just sucked it up. I should have pulled the IV out of my hand. I wouldn't have died from the pain, even though there were times when I wanted to. At one point early on I said that I didn't want to leave the hospital with ANY pain medication. And what did I do? I left with not one, but two prescriptions for pain medication. And I filled them both the next day.
I'm sorry this post is so long. I feel like a big failure.
Has anyone else experienced this before? I'm going to try to post this in another part of this site, because all of my posts have been in the Newcomers section, and I might get more help with this in another area. I hope that's okay.
Thanks in advance for any help...Any help at all!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
In my book you did not fail. Pain meds are just that when you are in pain. It is only when you take them in a non-prescribed manner that there is a problem.
You are a winner with a serious medical condition which you have no control over. I have my wife give me anything that could be abused because I do not trust myself.
You are a winner with a serious medical condition which you have no control over. I have my wife give me anything that could be abused because I do not trust myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by Huey 
NO ! You have NOT relapsed. STOP the ridiculous worrying and get on with your great sober life 
as i re-read my post, which could have been summarized in a paragraph rather than a novel, i can see where parts of it really do sound ridiculous.
if someone else had written that, i think i would have seen it in a different, more knowledgeable light.
so, thank you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by MIRecovery
In my book you did not fail. Pain meds are just that when you are in pain. It is only when you take them in a non-prescribed manner that there is a problem.
You are a winner with a serious medical condition which you have no control over. I have my wife give me anything that could be abused because I do not trust myself.
You are a winner with a serious medical condition which you have no control over. I have my wife give me anything that could be abused because I do not trust myself.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by Jilllian
you must have great determination to be able to give to your wife anything you feel could be abused. good for you. and thank you for your input.
Easy decision. Give pills to wife....Die. I know what one I will choose
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I don't believe anyone should have to live in pain Jillian.
Never ever taking pain medications again would be great - I'd love that - but it's just not an option for me, not if I want the quality of life I actually got sober for in the first place
I suspect that's the same for several hundred, if not thousands, of us here.
you were in hospital, very ill, and the Drs treated you accordingly.
You've been doing everything since with a very responsible attitude and a good deal of caution from what I read here.
That's good recovery in my book
D
Never ever taking pain medications again would be great - I'd love that - but it's just not an option for me, not if I want the quality of life I actually got sober for in the first place
I suspect that's the same for several hundred, if not thousands, of us here.
you were in hospital, very ill, and the Drs treated you accordingly.
You've been doing everything since with a very responsible attitude and a good deal of caution from what I read here.
That's good recovery in my book
D
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