white knuckle
hangin' in there...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: huntsville, ontario
Posts: 7
white knuckle
just trying to get through the next cpl weeks. so much going on. i feel weak. i cant share with anyone because it would shatter their idea of me. i had a friend who guided me into sobriety, but they are gone now.
im tired of being strong. im tired of ppl dying. if i didnt live in the country, i would have fallen already. but it scares me im testing waters.
surrounded by addicts, ppl i love.
dealing with my best friends death. hard to even say.
hanging on. whiteknuckled. just for tonight.
im tired of being strong. im tired of ppl dying. if i didnt live in the country, i would have fallen already. but it scares me im testing waters.
surrounded by addicts, ppl i love.
dealing with my best friends death. hard to even say.
hanging on. whiteknuckled. just for tonight.
Resident Awesome Guy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Castle Pines, CO
Posts: 747
This site was great for me when i first decided it was time to change my life. stay on it all night if you have to. Read every past post of yours if you wish. The support you get here is amazing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 72
longoctober.. i am here too. i am brand new but i need u to know u r not alone in this. we all have our own crap but we have a major commonality. thats why we have found each other and SR.
hang on..... ill hang on with u if u will let me.
-spark
hang on..... ill hang on with u if u will let me.
-spark
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome longoctober -
I think it's really hard to stay sober on our own - have you had any support at all (like AA or NA meetings, a counselor, or whatever)? I think you'll definitely find this forum helpful - it's how I got through those first weeks.
Sometimes in the beginning I felt like I was barely hanging on, too, but it got better over time. I just figured it was worth feeling a little crazy at times to get free from my addiction to alcohol.
Glad you've joined us!
I think it's really hard to stay sober on our own - have you had any support at all (like AA or NA meetings, a counselor, or whatever)? I think you'll definitely find this forum helpful - it's how I got through those first weeks.
Sometimes in the beginning I felt like I was barely hanging on, too, but it got better over time. I just figured it was worth feeling a little crazy at times to get free from my addiction to alcohol.
Glad you've joined us!
hangin' in there...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: huntsville, ontario
Posts: 7
omgosh..thank you for your support. : )
i stayed sober. still whiteknuckling at times. like now. was determined to make the site work this time. perserverance paid off. ; )
still hard at times. i have some old dear friends that rock my boat, usually, i avoid them, but they occasionally pop in.
but i decided today that im going to go to a meeting. its been 9 yrs since ive been. 5 yrs since ive had a friend "in the program" . i do miss it. only recovering addicts can understand what its like..surrounded by madness.
but i didnt fall today. and i dont think ill fall tomorrow.
thank you so much for caring.
i stayed sober. still whiteknuckling at times. like now. was determined to make the site work this time. perserverance paid off. ; )
still hard at times. i have some old dear friends that rock my boat, usually, i avoid them, but they occasionally pop in.
but i decided today that im going to go to a meeting. its been 9 yrs since ive been. 5 yrs since ive had a friend "in the program" . i do miss it. only recovering addicts can understand what its like..surrounded by madness.
but i didnt fall today. and i dont think ill fall tomorrow.
thank you so much for caring.
hangin' in there...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: huntsville, ontario
Posts: 7
theres not alot of meetings up here, but the ppl at them are pretty awesome.
i wonder why it seems like im tested in huge waves. its all good, then everyone just starts talking about using.
i know i should keep them away, but they are intertwined in my life. many for decades. i care about them. its fate, testing me. making me stronger. and when i felt weak, i reached out to the right ppl.
hard though, found out a friend , whos in my life, in the lives of others friends, has been smoking crack. i knew he was cokeing it up, but had no idea he was smoking it. blah.
but the wall is going up. i cant risk my life, and all im ******* so damn lucky to have.
its hard up here. in the past decade, 13 yrs, ive seen oxy.smoking just take over. ppl are so hurting out there. i know so many ppl lost out there. so many ppl who have lost it all.
by **** luck, i managed to get my head together before oxy took over. and i have alot to hang on to, so ive never done it.
i remember 13 yrs ago when my friends wife killed herself over oxy and i didnt even know what it was (and i was pretty experianced ).
she killed herself after she got caught drugging her 3 and 6 yr old, and they redflagged her at the pharmacies, and she couldnt get them anymore.
now her daughter, aged 16, is a missing kid for months now, and addicted to smoking pills. breaks my heart. so many families torn apart. if there was a devil, itd be oxy. imho
anyhoo, im lucky. i have four great kids, three awesome grandkids. i have a nice house, a fridge full of food. my kidz are sober.
i would have none of this, and my kidz would be orphans or worse, if i hadnt had that one friend, who showed me the way.
i actually used to be a drug dealer and go to meetings. not to sell. never. never told them what my occupation was.
but i went, and i learned, i went detoxing. i went sick. i went with ppl who needed to go, i went almost daily sometimes.
and im going today. im scared. afraid of honesty. but im sober, and i owe it to myself. im worth it. my kidz are worth whatever it takes to stay clean.
i wonder why it seems like im tested in huge waves. its all good, then everyone just starts talking about using.
i know i should keep them away, but they are intertwined in my life. many for decades. i care about them. its fate, testing me. making me stronger. and when i felt weak, i reached out to the right ppl.
hard though, found out a friend , whos in my life, in the lives of others friends, has been smoking crack. i knew he was cokeing it up, but had no idea he was smoking it. blah.
but the wall is going up. i cant risk my life, and all im ******* so damn lucky to have.
its hard up here. in the past decade, 13 yrs, ive seen oxy.smoking just take over. ppl are so hurting out there. i know so many ppl lost out there. so many ppl who have lost it all.
by **** luck, i managed to get my head together before oxy took over. and i have alot to hang on to, so ive never done it.
i remember 13 yrs ago when my friends wife killed herself over oxy and i didnt even know what it was (and i was pretty experianced ).
she killed herself after she got caught drugging her 3 and 6 yr old, and they redflagged her at the pharmacies, and she couldnt get them anymore.
now her daughter, aged 16, is a missing kid for months now, and addicted to smoking pills. breaks my heart. so many families torn apart. if there was a devil, itd be oxy. imho
anyhoo, im lucky. i have four great kids, three awesome grandkids. i have a nice house, a fridge full of food. my kidz are sober.
i would have none of this, and my kidz would be orphans or worse, if i hadnt had that one friend, who showed me the way.
i actually used to be a drug dealer and go to meetings. not to sell. never. never told them what my occupation was.
but i went, and i learned, i went detoxing. i went sick. i went with ppl who needed to go, i went almost daily sometimes.
and im going today. im scared. afraid of honesty. but im sober, and i owe it to myself. im worth it. my kidz are worth whatever it takes to stay clean.
hangin' in there...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: huntsville, ontario
Posts: 7
glad i went..
went to my first meeting in forever, and as always , was glad i went.
my lesson of the day /month/year is to have good role models. i work hard at being one, but i need good ones too.
i saw ppl tonight that i recognised from before. still there, still sober. a refreshing change from the ppl in my daily life.
thank you, thank you, thank you to all the good role models ive had . the ones who called me on my ********. the few who knew the real me. an addict. the few who were brave enough to read me the "riot act".
thank you for taking me to meetings when i needed it.
thank you guy in ottawa, the x speed junkie, who showed me, even the hopeless have hope. thank you drunk guy, for showing me that meetings arn't just fir sober ppl, that all are wanted.
thank you d. for offering me a safe place when i needed refuge. and convinced me i was worth fighting for.
thank you sober ppl for your support. you can never know just how it may help. even the smallest thing.
keep paying it forward. : )
my lesson of the day /month/year is to have good role models. i work hard at being one, but i need good ones too.
i saw ppl tonight that i recognised from before. still there, still sober. a refreshing change from the ppl in my daily life.
thank you, thank you, thank you to all the good role models ive had . the ones who called me on my ********. the few who knew the real me. an addict. the few who were brave enough to read me the "riot act".
thank you for taking me to meetings when i needed it.
thank you guy in ottawa, the x speed junkie, who showed me, even the hopeless have hope. thank you drunk guy, for showing me that meetings arn't just fir sober ppl, that all are wanted.
thank you d. for offering me a safe place when i needed refuge. and convinced me i was worth fighting for.
thank you sober ppl for your support. you can never know just how it may help. even the smallest thing.
keep paying it forward. : )
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