swindon32

Been in denial for years, serious denial for 18months when I starting hiding booze. Drank twice at work last week Got to do something now.

Tried an AA meeting about 6 months ago after a heavy weekend but i'm very shy so felt almost on the verge of a panic attack even trying to share with the group so I don't think that method will work for me.

Haven't had vodka since thursday but have kept the vomiting away with cider every now and again as i'm home alone with my 2 children until tomorrow night.

Don't know what i'm doing, but very unhappy lately. My father died at 24 to cirrhosis.

fallingtogether

Welcome! Glad u stopped by. We are all here to help each other out. Might I suggest trying another meeting? They can be intimidating at first, but they are the most welcoming people I have ever met. If its not for you there are multiple avenues to explore. Maybe you should start with your drs opinion?

swindon32

Thank you for your reply.

We recently moved house so at a new surgery and just panic completely at even saying anything out loud I had a abnormal liver function test in April, took me 3 months to tell my fiance. This new doc's don't even have my details as still going through the system so i'd have to explain it all.

Why do I find it so hard to talk about it?

swindon32

Also supposed to be getting married next June and my fiance has said he'd never marry a drunk so how can I admit this to him that i've been hiding alcohol??

Sorry.......just in a bad place.

Natom

Hello Swindon, welcome to SR. I know meetings are a bit intimidating at first but maybe you should try another one. You may have to just face up and tell your partner the truth. The first step is admitting your problem.

swindon32

Thanks, maybe I should seek out a different group. Everyone had known each other for years, and it felt so uncomfortable.

Natom

Sometimes you need to try a few different groups to get one you feel comfortable in.

RevivingOphelia

Welcome, Swindon. How about discussing the issue with your doctor? There may be some short term relief they can offer for when you put down the cider that may help with the anxiety/withdrawls.

swindon32

All of this anxiety/panic attacks coupled with my shyness is making me not want to leave the house on my days off works. I find it hard to speak to anyone that doesn't know me face to face when am not at work. What a mess I am!

Sapling

I'd try another meeting...Maybe you are at a better place for it right now....You don't have to say anything...You can say hello and "I'm just going to listen today/tonight" is fine. I can tell you one thing that made this easier for me....I had to get honest with myself...That meant getting honest with my doctor...And people I loved.....It was a big weight off me to just lay it out there....I think trying to carry that burden with me was one of the main things that kept me drinking....And it was all fear based....I was terrified at how little control I had....I had none...All I can tell you....Is you can get out of it....Something I never believed.

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR Swindon

I find it hard to talk to people about my drinking too, especially seeing as I have been trying to hide it for so long.

If you phone drinkline (0800 917 8282) they should be able to find you a local drug and alcohol agency who you can self refer to without having to go through your doctor. Quite often they can help with detox too but it may vary depending on the services available in your area.

Everyone seemed really close at the AA meetings I went to too, but I saw that as a good thing, it was a really warm atmosphere. I hope you don't give up on them yet. But if you feel uncomfortable there's other methods you can try like AVRT or SMART.

Glad you're here x

swindon32

Thank you all. I desperately want to get better x

Sapling

Hanging around here is a good start...Glad to have you with us swindon!!

swindon32

Scared to try and go to bed - just know am not going to sleep and got work in the morning.

My little one has a slight fever, would I be wrong in saying to my manager that the reason i'll be knackered is because she's poorly? Or is that carrying on the lies and addiction?

Sapling

I don't think it would be....If you were taking off to drink it would. Just don't put your job in danger....I know my last job I called off so many times that were alcohol related it got to be a running joke...Till they canned me.

Hevyn

Swindon - Welcome to the family. All your misery can end - you can do this. You aren't alone with the problem - you have all of us on your side, and we understand like no one else can.

You're unhappy and shaky now - and it's hard to imagine feeling happy and calm again. I promise you, it can happen. I quit after a lifetime of drinking and putting myself in danger. Please keep reading here, and posting. You'll find encouragement and hope. Glad you reached out - you can change your life and rise above all the troubles.

swindon32

Hevyn thank you so much for your kind words of support. I don't have any family around me as they all live away so I struggle with any support apart from my fiance. He's fab, but he worries so much and he only knows the half of it

RobC420

My experience at my first meeting was identical to yours. I imagine a lot of people have felt exactly how you and I felt. Nobody goes to AA feeling like roses. Thankfully, I did what I had to do. I kept going back and it got easier. It has paid off tremendously for me. I now love going to meetings. All my friends hang out there!

Dee74

Some fantastic advice here swindon

really glad you found us

A lot of recovery programmes have online meetings now - that may be another option.

There are alternatives to AA too - SMART Recovery is one of them (also meetings based), Rational Recovery is another (no meetings at all with RR)

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach like that.

D

ajswms123

Hi, i am also from Swindon, and like you, no family apart from hubby and kids, so in same place as you, if your ever really down drop me a message on here, i am happy to chat as want to get rid of the demons also, xxx good luck on your recovery