Rubysoho

Hi
I just came on here to get something off my chest really. I've been going to AA on and off since I got sober 6 and a half weeks ago. I got a sponsor and have been doing step 1 with her.
I kind of went off AA because I'm just too depressed. I got depressed about 3 weeks ago and can't shift it. I find even basic things like eating difficult, even after 6 weeks. I find going to meetings to be quite a big deal for me. I've had to go back to work, and I'm married. I find AA meetings on top of that a bit too much. I go to maybe 1 a week, which I think is ok.
She's told me I need to be going to 4 a week or she can't really help me. And there's no point continuing wasting her and my time if I'm not really willing to do that. She said that this is the only way she knows, and it's the only way she can work it with me. I was a bit taken aback by her phone call. I totally understand where she is coming from though, cos obviously she has other sponsees and she's trying to stay sober herself.

I don't know what to do really. I'm so depressed, I can't live with alcohol, I can't live without it. I don't want to go on anti-depressants (I was on them for 5 years, they didn't help) and because of my mood I'm getting little or nothing out of the meetings.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I fail at everything I do. I'm 28 years old and even though I've put reminders on my phone when I'm supposed to eat, I can't even feed myself, let alone get myself to 4 meetings a week. I was rubbish at eveyrthing before because I'm an alcoholic, now I'm rubbish at recovery.

I feel terrible, and just don't see the point in any of this anymore ;-(

But yeah, just thought I'd get that off my chest

Natom

This happened to me once. I got depressed. I dipped on meetings. I found out the reason I was depressed was because I wasn't actually going to enough meetings. 4 a week like your sponsor suggested is actually the norm in early recovery. You don't just quit drinking and recover. You have to put so much effort in sometimes it's unreal. Stuff does get better but you have to put in the effort to make it better.

Sapling

I had to do more than one meeting a week...I know that...AA is pretty simple...You get out of it what you put into it.....I put a lot into my drinking.....I knew it was going to take some effort.

pipparina

I've fallen asleep in many meetings because I was so tired, but I went. It is so important for early recovery, if you want to use AA for help. I'm sure your sponsor is telling you to get to more meetings because you are so new to this. I was told to try 90 meetings in 90 days. It was a great suggestion, because it started the foundation of my recovery.

As for the depression why don't you see your doctor? If you're not eating, that's serious

Dee74

I hope you will go see your Dr, Ruby - some things just don't go away...and I think depression - real clinical depression - is one of them.

D

Rubysoho

Thanks everyone for your comments.

I just feel going to AA is too much pressure. I feel its just another thing I'm not good at. 4 meetings a week is a lot for me. I find it hard to make it to 2. I feel like this '4 meetings a week' although it helps a lot of people, is just making me feel a bit inadequate and like I'm failing. And while I'm failing at stuff I might as well start drinking again.

When I do go to meetings, I can find it really hard. When people are sharing it often triggers memories that I'm not ready to think about or face yet.

I will make an appointment with the doctor, because I'm really not coping. Sorry for being so negative. I do read and try to listen to everyones advice.

hypochondriac

I understand why people think a lot of meetings is a good idea Ruby, but me personally, I wouldn't have managed it. I couldn't do 4 a week now and I am 7 months sober. Reason being is I am totally and utterly exhausted and can barely function. I have some medical reasons for that but I think a lot of it may be from adjusting to sobriety too.

I think you have enough to do and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself and you shouldn't let people make you feel bad for not doing something. Do what you can, but if you need rest then rest. Just don't neglect your recovery. I think it is when we are complacent and la di da about it that things go wrong. If you are trying your best then you can only do what you can do.

I would suggest you talk to your doctor about how you're feeling, just in case there are any underlying causes.

Sapling

Meetings are great....AA is a 12 step program....The steps are the solution...The promises come true....When you work the steps....No other way around it. Maybe you should look into something else...If you need it...AA will be there.

Mizzuno

Ruby you have to find what works for you and run with it. What will your schedule permit? What are willing to set some time aside for? Will going to your doctor help you?
The thing about this is that it is YOUR recovery. I do not think that you are bad at it. I see that you have made it 6 weeks so far. 6 weeks is a H### of a lot better than what you were doing. Ease up here and find a solution. Drinking is not the solution. I hear you say that "Maybe I should go back", this is not a good viable option Ruby. If depression is a major part of this please find some help with that. We all need to be happy.

Rubysoho

I will make a docs appointment first thing. I'm really struggling and although I don't want to I really think I'm going to relapse. I'm really sensitive at the moment, and although I understand my sponsor's reasons, its really made me feel bad. It's just added to my feelings that I can't do this.
I know that I've got 2 options, drink and die, or be sober and live. At the moment I only feel capable of doing the former. I'm such an idiot. I know I'm not helping myself but I'm so tired and feel beaten.
I think I'm going to just carry on going to the 1 meeting I like, but stop all the step work. It's just getting me down. And go to the doctors. I will make an appointment tomorrow morning

hypochondriac

You can do the latter Ruby, it might seem like hard work now but it really is the simpler choice. It will get easier. Just take it one day at a time and don't let the concept overwhelm you x

Mizzuno

In telling yourself that you are going to relapse and saying that you cant do this, it is making it true for you Ruby. The chances of your having a relapse is pretty strong if you keep saying so.
You are doing it. You are sober and it is amazing. Sometimes we have to struggle and it hurts and we think that there is no other way out. I commend you for reaching out here and asking for help. You have to help yourself before anyone can help you. Im glad that you said that you will make a appointment for the doctor. What else might you be able to do that will help in this situation?

CaiHong

Hi Ruby,
I really liked what Hypochondriac wrote, be a bit easy on yourself, do something you like, something to pamper yourself, indulge yourself. Lose yourself for a while in a book or a DVD.

I was a very prickly little pear when I started in recovery, due to where I live couldn't make many meetings and it took me a while to get into the steps but I now realize their importance. You don't need people making you feel bad at this stage. Your sponsor is just saying it how she sees it and that is fine. What I needed at the beginning was someone to vent to and SR became very important in that capacity.

Depression is very real and seeing a doctor could help and I form him about your alcoholism. I would see one who has some training in addictions.

I wish you all the strength at this time.

Love
CaiHong

RevivingOphelia

Depression is a serious medical issue that requires a doctor's attention. There are many options for medication that may work for you. For anyone to tell you that not going to enough meetings is furthering your depression is nonsense.


See your doctor.

Threshold

If you are truly in a state of being that you find making more meetings impossible, then you may want to find a sponsor who understands that and is willing to work with you doing two meetings a week. You may find, as you progress in sobriety that you will want to and be able to handle more.

I am not suggesting that you do not listen to your sponsor, or that you stay away from meetings, they exist for a very important reason. But I was unable to attend any meetings due to where I was living for over two years. I have found recovery, I have a sponsor why has the experience to be able to work with me under the circumstances I was in. But I ALSO had to be willing to work with HIM..two way street.

It's one thing to be honest and acknowledge that something is not critical to one's recovery, but it's another for us to pick and choose due to "comfort" what we will and won't do for our own well being. One of the things i like best about my sponsor is that he steers me towards honesty over comfort when the two collide.

tomsteve

good on ya for the docs appt. there is a chance the alcohol was blocking a much deeper problem.

YOU ARE NOT AN IDIOT!!! yes, i put that in caps and hope it gets through yer head to yer heart. its time to throw out the ass kicking machine. yer not a bad person. yer a sick person!

i have a question for ya:
what is it about the stepwork that is getting you down?

about that sponsor:
sponsors are not to be hostage takers and put demands on a sponsee, like telling them they have to attend x amount of meetings or else. that is very sick.yes, meetings are important, but going to meetings and not drinking doesnt treat alcoholism.in fact, there is no mention of going to meetings being a part of the program of recovery in the BB.
do you have any other numbers for other members in AA? i am sure you have heard some that you could relate to.

Missy7

I too struggle with AA and I would listen to that. Are you always going to the same meeting? Maybe you could try other meetings...I definitely like some better than others. Hang in there and stay on SR.

Maylie

Hi Ruby,

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You have made it to 6 weeks! There are so many people on here, including myself, that can't wait until we make it that far. I'm happy that you are going to make a doctors appointment, the doctor might be able to help with these feelings that you are having. As for your sponsor getting you down, try not to take her words so hard. You can always get a different sponsor, or you can always look into the different methods of recovery that are out there. There are even some recovery methods that don't have meetings.

What is important is that you keep trying. Early recovery is hard, it comes with a lot of ups and downs and our bodies just aren't used to be substance free, but that doesn't mean that the rewards won't be worth it. Can you talk to your family for support? Maybe setting small goals will help with your self esteem?

I hope you find some peace and continue to keep moving forward,

hugs

Maylie

sugarbear1

Compromise and try two meetings a week and maybe find another sponsor. It's the relationship with a higher power, not the meetings, that will help you stay stopped.

artsoul

I second the notion of seeing your doctor and looking at some options to deal with your depression. Were you sober during those 5 years when you took anti-depressants? If not, that may be one reason they didn't work for you.

I understand how your sponsor's approach could have been discouraging to you. Just remember she is not a mental health or addiction professional and may not have a clue what is best for you at this time.