25 Yr old Son Died 5 weeks ago
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Temecula, CA
Posts: 7
25 Yr old Son Died 5 weeks ago
My 25 year old son died 5 weeks ago from "complications due to heroin use", in other words he OD'd. But I am telling everyone he died of cardiac arrest, technically his heart stopped and then he stopped breathing so its not really a lie. We had him on life support for 8 days and had to make the painful decision to "un-plug" him. I didn't even know he was using herion. He had a great job and was doing so well based on all outward signs and appearances.
I cannot describe the pain, anguish, guilt and other emotions that have overwhelmed me. I can't stop drinking. I have to numb the pain but it always comes back. I don't want to drink myself to death or ruin my relationship with my husband (not my son's father) but I can't stop. I know my other son and my granddaughter need me but I really don't care.
Every morning when I wake up I tell myself I won't drink today. But by early afternoon I start drinking and I drink till midnight or later and watch old home videos of my son.
Ugh....I don't know what to do or what will become of me now.........
I cannot describe the pain, anguish, guilt and other emotions that have overwhelmed me. I can't stop drinking. I have to numb the pain but it always comes back. I don't want to drink myself to death or ruin my relationship with my husband (not my son's father) but I can't stop. I know my other son and my granddaughter need me but I really don't care.
Every morning when I wake up I tell myself I won't drink today. But by early afternoon I start drinking and I drink till midnight or later and watch old home videos of my son.
Ugh....I don't know what to do or what will become of me now.........
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 92
What I'm going to say might not be popular or echoed amongst other people in recovery. But, I believe somewhere down the road you will try to stop drinking, in earnest. I'm not sure that this is the time it's going to happen. To me, it would be like asking someone to run for their lives after getting a leg amputated.
You need to get to a place where your son's death is not such an intense pain. At least not as intense as it is now. I lost my oldest son's father, 12 years ago - he was shot and killed right in front of me. So when I describe the pain at first as intense and fresh, I do know from experience that after some time, the pain is still hard to endure, but it becomes more of a dull ache. And this new pain is more easily manageable, and maybe then you can try to remove the dark cloud (alcohol) that - for now - is dulling everything for you.
I wish that you could quit today. But I understand why you may need to wait. And when you're ready, I wish you all the strength in the world to stay sober for the rest of your life. *huge hugs*
Message me whenever you feel the need to.
You need to get to a place where your son's death is not such an intense pain. At least not as intense as it is now. I lost my oldest son's father, 12 years ago - he was shot and killed right in front of me. So when I describe the pain at first as intense and fresh, I do know from experience that after some time, the pain is still hard to endure, but it becomes more of a dull ache. And this new pain is more easily manageable, and maybe then you can try to remove the dark cloud (alcohol) that - for now - is dulling everything for you.
I wish that you could quit today. But I understand why you may need to wait. And when you're ready, I wish you all the strength in the world to stay sober for the rest of your life. *huge hugs*
Message me whenever you feel the need to.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My son is an addict and I have experienced him overdosing and almost dying, but he lived each time. I cannot imagine the pain you must be going through right now, and I am so very sorry for your loss.
If you can find some support, a grief group perhaps, it may help you get through these dark days. We both know alcohol isn't the answer, so maybe one day soon you will feel strong enough to reach out and find some help for your pain.
I will keep you in my prayers.
If you can find some support, a grief group perhaps, it may help you get through these dark days. We both know alcohol isn't the answer, so maybe one day soon you will feel strong enough to reach out and find some help for your pain.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
I'm so saddened to hear about the loss of your son. Here's a link to a support qroup you may find helpful. Greiving is hard and I needed counseling to help me get through it. http://www.compassionatefriends.org/homeaspx
I couldn't properly grieve while I was still drinking. You might want to consider inpatient for this. You've got a lot going on and it would be good for you to be in safe place with x24 hour support. This helped me a lot.
Please keep posting and let us know how your doing.
Love from Lenina
I couldn't properly grieve while I was still drinking. You might want to consider inpatient for this. You've got a lot going on and it would be good for you to be in safe place with x24 hour support. This helped me a lot.
Please keep posting and let us know how your doing.
Love from Lenina
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
How terrible for you KDH. Especially since you had no clue he was using.
I completely understand your need to numb those raw feelings - but I'm sure there will come the day you'll decide to lay it down and begin to reclaim your life. You still have the rest of your family to love and care for - and many years ahead to heal and enjoy life again.
I'm glad you posted. Please continue to stay in touch and let us know how you are.
I completely understand your need to numb those raw feelings - but I'm sure there will come the day you'll decide to lay it down and begin to reclaim your life. You still have the rest of your family to love and care for - and many years ahead to heal and enjoy life again.
I'm glad you posted. Please continue to stay in touch and let us know how you are.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Notheast US
Posts: 524
I am deeply sorry for the loss of your son.
Losing a child is devastating in and of itself. Losing him to an overdose makes his death even more senseless and painful.
It is important to grieve your loss, and drinking will not allow you to fully accomplish this. As hard as it may be, please put the booze aside and begin your grieving. While the loss will always be something you carry with you, in time, you will be able to find joy in memories of your son.
My sincere condolences on the loss of your beloved son.
Losing a child is devastating in and of itself. Losing him to an overdose makes his death even more senseless and painful.
It is important to grieve your loss, and drinking will not allow you to fully accomplish this. As hard as it may be, please put the booze aside and begin your grieving. While the loss will always be something you carry with you, in time, you will be able to find joy in memories of your son.
My sincere condolences on the loss of your beloved son.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm glad you made it here KDH.
There's a ton of good advice here
I've never lost a son but I've grieved and had other losses - I used alcohol to try and cope...it did nothing to help me deal with my grief...at best it just pushed it aside or numbed it for a while...and even that didn't work eventually...and no matter what my sorrow always came back.
All drinking did for me was leave my grief intact and leave me with a whole lot of other problems besides.
You'll find a lot of support here to stop drinking. Welcome aboard
D
There's a ton of good advice here
I've never lost a son but I've grieved and had other losses - I used alcohol to try and cope...it did nothing to help me deal with my grief...at best it just pushed it aside or numbed it for a while...and even that didn't work eventually...and no matter what my sorrow always came back.
All drinking did for me was leave my grief intact and leave me with a whole lot of other problems besides.
You'll find a lot of support here to stop drinking. Welcome aboard
D
Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
KDH, I am so sorry for your loss. I know nothing can penetrate your pain right now but I hope you will feel the love and light and care that are coming to you from the amazing people here. My heart and thoughts and prayers are with you, too.
Blessings.
Blessings.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 453
KDH, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope and pray that you will be comforted in this time of mourning.
Here are a couple of local support options.
Our House Grief Support Center
888.417.1444
There are also some options and resources here: Bereavement - Groups for Adults
Getting yourself some therapy can really be beneficial and is crucial.
It is good that you are able to see that your drinking is not helping the situation. Drinking and abusing drugs will only make things worse in the long term as you know.
Please let me know if any of those numbers or services were helpful.
Here are a couple of local support options.
Our House Grief Support Center
888.417.1444
There are also some options and resources here: Bereavement - Groups for Adults
Getting yourself some therapy can really be beneficial and is crucial.
It is good that you are able to see that your drinking is not helping the situation. Drinking and abusing drugs will only make things worse in the long term as you know.
Please let me know if any of those numbers or services were helpful.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son KDH 
I think you have already gotten lots of great advice here...counseling, inpatient, maybe try an AA meeting? Please keep us posted as to how you are ((hugs))
I think you have already gotten lots of great advice here...counseling, inpatient, maybe try an AA meeting? Please keep us posted as to how you are ((hugs))
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
KDH I'm so sorry for your devastating loss, sometimes life is so unfair. Take time to grieve-you may never have answers but try not to bury it all and try to let yourself fully feel any emotion that surfaces. It doesn't seem possible, but time does dull the pain. You'll find a lot of support here and ears willing to listen.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I'm so very sorry - my heart aches for you. I can't imagine anything worse than losing a child.
I do hope that you can get help for dealing with your grief as well as your drinking. A lot of us drank to numb our thoughts and emotions, only to find that alcohol made us more depressed and anxious, not what you need right now.
I'm glad you're reaching out today.
I do hope that you can get help for dealing with your grief as well as your drinking. A lot of us drank to numb our thoughts and emotions, only to find that alcohol made us more depressed and anxious, not what you need right now.
I'm glad you're reaching out today.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
KDH, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son. I can fully relate to the devastating pain you are feeling. My 19-year old heroin-addicted son died in April, one week after his release from his second in-patient rehab. He didn't OD; instead, he relapsed, was kicked out of the recovery home he was living in, and was murdered at the place he had chosen to spend the next couple of nights.
I have never experienced such heartbreak in my life. October 4 was 6 months since the tragedy, and I can still see him standing in my foyer in his red and black jacket (the last time I saw him) like it was yesterday. To this day, I find myself crying at some point pretty much every day, but things have gotten better. I'm no longer wrecked. For the first couple of months (maybe a bit longer), I really had no interest in anything in my life. I have other children and people who love me, but I really didn't care about any of that. I just went through the motions, trying to appear somewhat normal on the outside when there was nothing but a cavern of emptiness on the inside. And then suddenly one day, I found myself beginning to feel interest in things again. There are moments every day - lots of them - when I think of him, but I'm interested in living again.
Through it all, I refused to allow myself to turn to drugs or alcohol to cope, although it was certainly tempting. To do so seemed disrespectful to him somehow - his addiction is what killed him, albeit indirectly. He went down that road, and because he did, I most certainly could not, no matter how much I hurt. I also knew FROM WATCHING HIM how ineffective drugs or alcohol would be in relieving me of my pain. Sure, there would be the instant numbing effect, but the pain would still be there, as big and unresolved as before, when the numbness wore off. And I would feel even worse because I would feel down on myself for trying to cope in this way. I know intuitively - and from watching my son progress with his addiction - that the only way through it is THROUGH it. There are no short-cuts or detours around the pain, and attempting to short-circuit this natural process through drug or alcohol use will only create MORE pain ultimately, and will prolong the healing process. Bottom line - it's OK to hurt. It's OK to be dysfunctional for awhile. It's OK to be devastated. Let yourself experience the pain. It's appropriate.
It is hard to think this way so soon after his passing, but consider the possibility that there is a purpose to this tragedy, that somehow your son may impact the world more significantly through his death than he would have in life. Or that his death may change the course that others are on in a way that is important. I can tell you that my life is forever changed by my son's death. I am engaging in activities today that are healing for me and helpful to others, and I would never have been doing these things if my son had lived. It is because he died that I'm doing these things now.
And finally, while your heart is breaking, your son is actually free. If you believe in a spiritual realm, then you can take comfort in knowing that your son is at peace. I understand, though, that this is little comfort while you are grieving his loss.
It will get better, but at the same time, the pain you are feeling is a measure of how much you loved him. There have been times when I have feared a lessening of the pain, as my recovery from grief makes me feel that he is farther away. Don't cheat yourself of these feelings. They bond you to him.
I have never experienced such heartbreak in my life. October 4 was 6 months since the tragedy, and I can still see him standing in my foyer in his red and black jacket (the last time I saw him) like it was yesterday. To this day, I find myself crying at some point pretty much every day, but things have gotten better. I'm no longer wrecked. For the first couple of months (maybe a bit longer), I really had no interest in anything in my life. I have other children and people who love me, but I really didn't care about any of that. I just went through the motions, trying to appear somewhat normal on the outside when there was nothing but a cavern of emptiness on the inside. And then suddenly one day, I found myself beginning to feel interest in things again. There are moments every day - lots of them - when I think of him, but I'm interested in living again.
Through it all, I refused to allow myself to turn to drugs or alcohol to cope, although it was certainly tempting. To do so seemed disrespectful to him somehow - his addiction is what killed him, albeit indirectly. He went down that road, and because he did, I most certainly could not, no matter how much I hurt. I also knew FROM WATCHING HIM how ineffective drugs or alcohol would be in relieving me of my pain. Sure, there would be the instant numbing effect, but the pain would still be there, as big and unresolved as before, when the numbness wore off. And I would feel even worse because I would feel down on myself for trying to cope in this way. I know intuitively - and from watching my son progress with his addiction - that the only way through it is THROUGH it. There are no short-cuts or detours around the pain, and attempting to short-circuit this natural process through drug or alcohol use will only create MORE pain ultimately, and will prolong the healing process. Bottom line - it's OK to hurt. It's OK to be dysfunctional for awhile. It's OK to be devastated. Let yourself experience the pain. It's appropriate.
It is hard to think this way so soon after his passing, but consider the possibility that there is a purpose to this tragedy, that somehow your son may impact the world more significantly through his death than he would have in life. Or that his death may change the course that others are on in a way that is important. I can tell you that my life is forever changed by my son's death. I am engaging in activities today that are healing for me and helpful to others, and I would never have been doing these things if my son had lived. It is because he died that I'm doing these things now.
And finally, while your heart is breaking, your son is actually free. If you believe in a spiritual realm, then you can take comfort in knowing that your son is at peace. I understand, though, that this is little comfort while you are grieving his loss.
It will get better, but at the same time, the pain you are feeling is a measure of how much you loved him. There have been times when I have feared a lessening of the pain, as my recovery from grief makes me feel that he is farther away. Don't cheat yourself of these feelings. They bond you to him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine the pain. My own dad died just over a year ago and it was a terrible blow to me but it wasn't entirely out of the blue. That sent deeper into a spiral of drinking that I'm just now clawing out of. I hope you can walk away from the booze; I know first hand that while one thinks it's taking the edge off at the time it really just makes it worse.
Hopefully some of the resources linked here will help you. What a horrible thing to have to face. You have my condolences, and remember we're here for you if you need to talk.
Hopefully some of the resources linked here will help you. What a horrible thing to have to face. You have my condolences, and remember we're here for you if you need to talk.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 553
I'm so sorry to hear that but I thank you for sharing and I'm thinking about you. It's stories like yours that will carry forward and positively touch and influence others. Whether it's directly or indirectly, your message will carry to others.
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