BlueSkiesAgain

I'm asking here because I need to understand what exactly is happening.

My 21 year old son is an alcoholic. He is currently in counseling and going to AA. He hasn't had a drink for 10 days. Every night or almost every night around 9pm his whole personality changes. He is desperate to go somewhere making all kinds of excuses, etc. He is welcome to go but we won't let him take the car because it is in our name and we don't want him drinking and driving. He actually rages for 1-2 hours and how awful we are as parents and he can't live with us, etc. Then almost as quickly as the urge came it passes and he is back to being the well mannered child that I raised. I understand this is his trigger time but I'm trying to figure out what he is thinking and feeling during this time. Also, any other time of the day he can completely explain he knows it was just and urge but during that time he is having serious issues.

Also, he wasn't a daily drinker but when he did drink he would not be able to stop at 1 he would have to have 12+. So in the past he has gone this long without drinking but this time it is very different.

mecanix

Have you ever been bursting for the toilet in a traffic jam ?

For me the urge to drink was a real basic urge of that kind of intencity, the level of relief once id had my first one was also of a simmalar intencity as the above situation .

Obviously i did'nt need the drink like that but the malady made me feel that desperate.

Bestwishes, M

Natom

Whenever I get an urge I lose touch with everything else. I either want to drink or use and that is it. There is no medium ground. No matter where I am or who I am with my mind goes blank and I focus on relieving the compulsion.

suki44883

The more times he refuses to give into the urges, the fainter they become and the less often they occur. This isn't going to happen in a matter of a few weeks, but if he continues to not give in, the urges will become less and less. If he has managed to suppress them for 10 days, he knows it is possible. It isn't easy, but he's done it before so he can do it again.

Perhaps he should find something to do that is not conducive to drinking during these couple of hours. Most urges don't actually last that long, so some of it is probably just anger and rebellion, not necessarily the urges themselves. Maybe if, when he felt the urge come on, he took a long shower, then got out and had a nice big bowl of ice cream, that would help. Instead of allowing the urge to become his focus, he needs to find another focus for a little while.

Hexipuff

Well put Mecanix

I had a trigger of 6pm. I used to get very agitated at this time.
My coping mechanism was to be busy at that time. I was at the gym or swimming, taking the dog out, in the bath, cleaning the bathroom - anything at all. I needed this breaks in routine to take away the trigger. I don't notice the time now.

Maybe regular evening AA meetings, watching a film, going to work out (most gyms etc are open late) may help.

I found part of this trigger time and mood swing was also a fear that I would drink and the realisation that I could never drink again

Hopefully this part of your son's recovery will soon pass. I wish him good luck and I also admire you for being such supportive parents, please look after yourselves in this difficult time

TodayisGood

I was just thinking of an analogy in the car today. I was with the family and they all wanted McDonalds. We went through the drive through, filled the car full of fresh, hot fries and hamburgers. Was starving, but I didnt get anything. I'm going out later and I did want to spoil my appetite. The urges to have just one fry, you know the good ones still warm and freshly salted, just one. I can stop at that right? I'm starving. Fries are calling my name,"TiG, you know you want me. Just one. It won't spoil anything. Everyone else is happy, why deny yourself." and then you think, who the f cares, no one should be telling me I can't have this. It smells so good, locked inside the car. Just one bite of the hamburger. Not a big bite, just a little, OK? Then the other voice comes in, "when was the last time you ever had just one fry? ". Everyone is watching me, waiting for me to crack, f them. They're all frickin happy. I'm my own person, don't need this bullsht. Just keep those windows rolled up and suffocate my brain or stab me with a cattle prod, what ever your sick pleasure is. I'm soooo hungry. Fries good, mmmmm. Um, wait. I'm good now. Actually, the smell is kinda awful. What were you saying?

Edit... When I first quit drinking, the compulsion and physical desires to drink were strong. Like ten times worse than hunger pangs in the face of good food to be denied. The cravings have reduced substantially though.

TodayisGood

Guess this is still gnawing at me, so one more thing to add.... You're never allowed to have any good food again or you risk your health, self respect, and hurt the ones you love. So, there's that pressure too.

hypochondriac

I can't speak for your son, but for me, those times when a switch seems to flip is less to do with wanting to drink and more to do with not knowing what to do with myself sober. I guess is depends at what point your son is at, whether he is really committed to staying sober yet? Before I quit I had situations where I couldn't drink much and I would be fine, until I wasn't and I had to get home so I could drink properly. Basically I could stay relatively sober provided I could see an end in sight. But once I knew I couldn't drink I was like a caged animal. I wasn't thinking about alcohol though, not really, it would be just getting wound up because of something which happened that day, getting angry about how people treated me, stuff I would normally drink over, but now I can't so I get squirmy. Funny though I am absolutely fine as long as I have complete control over my environment. I would rant at people who phoned me but once I was alone again I knew what I had to do and just got on with it. But I think my family thought I was losing it. Chances are your son will be angry, and it will get expressed in some way or another. If he is anything like me he probably won't take suggestions well. Just be supportive and maybe give him some space. It's lovely that you care enough to want to know how he feels. I hope he does well x

BlueSkiesAgain

Thank you all for helping me understand. We are working on productive things to do during this time. He said earlier today that having mini candy bars would be good which goes in line with what was said here. I know I can't do it for him but as long as he is trying I want to give him all the tools he needs.

2granddaughters

Yes, BlueSkies, it's a fine line between encouraging and enabling.

I suggest you attend Al-Anon meetings in your area, the folks there would be very helpful.

Re: What's he thinking when he's screwed up ?? .... just step into the mind of a madman and tell me what you see/feel.

That's why Step 2 talks about being restored to sanity.

Good job on no car.

All the best.

Bob R

instant

An craving is a mental, and emotional drive that you cannot control. It is normal to be restless and irritable when in the grip of one. If you have every suffered diarrohea (sorry about the analogy) and you have that constant 'urge' to go- it is very similar but mental and emotional.

For me early in recovery they would occur every day at my usual drinking times and with reminders (sights, smells, feelings, situations)

For me with continued abstinence they no longer occur. If however I had a small amount of alcohol it would bring them back to life.

Bgh2002

Its pretty tricky for me when it comes to my parents. I live with my mother and grandmother, so they are a big part of my recovery. Im still early in my recovery and some of the things I've noticed that get me from them are bringing up things that I have done while drinking, thats a big trigger for me. I'm already upset with myself still for allowing myself to get where I was, and the things it doesn't do me any good to keep hearing it.

Also when my mother trys to tell me what to do, triggers me. The rebellious nature like was said. I told her I prefer it when she starts her sentences with I believe or I think, like "I believe you felt like you had enough" instead of "Well you just had enough". These are some of the things that my family did that bothered me, it may or may not apply to you.

BlueSkiesAgain

Again, thanks to you all.

Bgh2002 - I need to remember this because I do say when you drink blah, blah, blah. I try not to be a nagging mother but I'm sure that I do.

Last night son made a point to stay home and not go to friends to watch the big game. I went to the store as Suki had suggested and got ice cream and candy bars. Right around his normal urge time he ate a big bowl of ice cream and a Snickers bar. It really seemed to help.

Thank you all for being so willing to share your experiences with me. I'm trying to understand. I know there is a fine line between support and enabling and I'm working on that.