Hi, new here
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Hi, new here
Hi, I've been reading and lurking for a few months. Tried unsuccessfully to register because technical difficulties got in the way til now. I'm glad to finally be able to post and say hello.
I've been using various substances over the years, sometimes falling into addiction, sometimes just getting close. I started with alcohol at 16, my first high had me wanting more! I mostly binge drank for several years until I fell in love with marijuana.
Smoked pot every day for several years, was definitely addicted, mentally and emotionally if not physically. I struggled but "ended" that addiction. I've only realized in the past couple of years that I viewed the substance as the problem/addiction and not me. When I cut out the substance the problem was gone. Wrong!
I deal with lots of physical pain including fibromyalgia, shoulder problems and migraines. I started pain meds legitimately, finding the pain relief cleared my mind and gave me energy. And somewhere along the road addiction took over.
2010 was a really bad year for me and I started snorting and injecting my opiates, oxy being my doc. Though love dilaudid, too, and will use whatever I need to prevent w/d's. I also found my tolerance increasing and increasing to now over 450mgs of oxy per day.
I honestly don't understand how that has happened. It's like every time I said this time I'll use less some inner voice/user got scared and actually increased my use. I'd go into binges and only realize how much I used when I awoke from my binge to find my month's prescription gone in 6 or 7 days.
I finally have gotten to the point where I know I need to stop. I've decided to go the suboxone route and am struggling with the utter slowness and inaction of the subs Docs in getting back to me. I feel like my life is on the line and and they are dragging their heels, not caring. (I have a thread question about this under suboxone section.)
I've started some outpatient counseling and have tried some AA/NA meetings. My first AA meeting was actually magical but all the rest since then have been disappointing and/or really triggering to my PTSD. Or going to AA and being told I'm not allowed to talk because I have the "wrong" addiction. I'm still pretty blown away by that.
I don't understand all these doors closing and heels dragging when faced with someone asking for help and wanting to quit. Especially cuz where I live has huge drug use/abuse issues.
Anyway, I'm glad to be here. I've already been inspired and learning lots by what I've read so far.
Peace, Lyoness
I've been using various substances over the years, sometimes falling into addiction, sometimes just getting close. I started with alcohol at 16, my first high had me wanting more! I mostly binge drank for several years until I fell in love with marijuana.
Smoked pot every day for several years, was definitely addicted, mentally and emotionally if not physically. I struggled but "ended" that addiction. I've only realized in the past couple of years that I viewed the substance as the problem/addiction and not me. When I cut out the substance the problem was gone. Wrong!
I deal with lots of physical pain including fibromyalgia, shoulder problems and migraines. I started pain meds legitimately, finding the pain relief cleared my mind and gave me energy. And somewhere along the road addiction took over.
2010 was a really bad year for me and I started snorting and injecting my opiates, oxy being my doc. Though love dilaudid, too, and will use whatever I need to prevent w/d's. I also found my tolerance increasing and increasing to now over 450mgs of oxy per day.
I honestly don't understand how that has happened. It's like every time I said this time I'll use less some inner voice/user got scared and actually increased my use. I'd go into binges and only realize how much I used when I awoke from my binge to find my month's prescription gone in 6 or 7 days.
I finally have gotten to the point where I know I need to stop. I've decided to go the suboxone route and am struggling with the utter slowness and inaction of the subs Docs in getting back to me. I feel like my life is on the line and and they are dragging their heels, not caring. (I have a thread question about this under suboxone section.)
I've started some outpatient counseling and have tried some AA/NA meetings. My first AA meeting was actually magical but all the rest since then have been disappointing and/or really triggering to my PTSD. Or going to AA and being told I'm not allowed to talk because I have the "wrong" addiction. I'm still pretty blown away by that.
I don't understand all these doors closing and heels dragging when faced with someone asking for help and wanting to quit. Especially cuz where I live has huge drug use/abuse issues.
Anyway, I'm glad to be here. I've already been inspired and learning lots by what I've read so far.
Peace, Lyoness
I've found so much support here and it's really helped in my recovery.
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Thanks everyone! It feels so good to be welcomed! Like others I feel SR can be a really good and supportive part of my transition into recovery. Right now I feel lots of fear and mood changes, depression and irritability and I haven't even quit yet. It's an incredible gift to know there is so much support and wisdom and experience here.
I'm trying to keep my enthusiasm up for recovery but find it's still easy to lose faith and hope and energy for it. I have high hopes for what suboxone will hopefully do for me. And I'm just trying to imagine what life without Oxy(gen) will be like. Oxy has been my food, my support, energy source, relaxer, best friend, pain reliever--emotionally and physically and mentally--what's kept me going and made life worth living. I'm really afraid of what living without it means.
And I am really hoping it will be as wonderful and healing and transformative as folks here share that it is.
I'm trying to keep my enthusiasm up for recovery but find it's still easy to lose faith and hope and energy for it. I have high hopes for what suboxone will hopefully do for me. And I'm just trying to imagine what life without Oxy(gen) will be like. Oxy has been my food, my support, energy source, relaxer, best friend, pain reliever--emotionally and physically and mentally--what's kept me going and made life worth living. I'm really afraid of what living without it means.
And I am really hoping it will be as wonderful and healing and transformative as folks here share that it is.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR Lyoness 
I understand what you mean about people seeming to be dragging their heels. I know for me that when I finally wanted to get sorted I wanted things to happen immediately!
I hope you don't give up on NA/AA either, maybe just try a few different meetings...
Glad you're here x
I understand what you mean about people seeming to be dragging their heels. I know for me that when I finally wanted to get sorted I wanted things to happen immediately!
I hope you don't give up on NA/AA either, maybe just try a few different meetings...
Glad you're here x
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Wow, I didn't realize just how good it was going to feel to come on SR and find posts awaiting and welcoming me! It really does make me feel so much less alone. Thank you all.
I'm still struggling with trying to make this all "real" in my mind. I'm becoming aware of just how powerful my voices of addiction and denial are. I don't have oxy right now, have fent patches to prevent w/d til I can get on suboxone and find myself taking 2-3 lorazepam to sleep.
And am realizing that lorazepam doesn't feel so bad either, softens the lack of oxy.....So another form of addiction trying to creep in the back door. I've used benzos off and on in my life, more addictively when I was younger, more for sleep later. But now I gotta be aware of them, too!
There's still just this big part of me that isn't getting it yet. That hovers in the haze of denial. That's why coming here, going to my counseling group, etc. are so important. I have to make the knowledge of addiction is real--more real--than the pleasure of oxy.
And remind myself of the gross binge, snorting and slamming 450mgs of oxy a day, being in a weeklong haze that disgusted me enough to get me finally to wake up enough to start doing something about my addiction.
Edited to add--I love your avatar, Hevyn. I had a black lab growing up that was my best friend! So I have a big soft spot for them.
I'm still struggling with trying to make this all "real" in my mind. I'm becoming aware of just how powerful my voices of addiction and denial are. I don't have oxy right now, have fent patches to prevent w/d til I can get on suboxone and find myself taking 2-3 lorazepam to sleep.
And am realizing that lorazepam doesn't feel so bad either, softens the lack of oxy.....So another form of addiction trying to creep in the back door. I've used benzos off and on in my life, more addictively when I was younger, more for sleep later. But now I gotta be aware of them, too!
There's still just this big part of me that isn't getting it yet. That hovers in the haze of denial. That's why coming here, going to my counseling group, etc. are so important. I have to make the knowledge of addiction is real--more real--than the pleasure of oxy.
And remind myself of the gross binge, snorting and slamming 450mgs of oxy a day, being in a weeklong haze that disgusted me enough to get me finally to wake up enough to start doing something about my addiction.
Edited to add--I love your avatar, Hevyn. I had a black lab growing up that was my best friend! So I have a big soft spot for them.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
