Weasel1966

I remember being very poor as a child. My mother had me, 3 at the time, my brother 8, and my sister 5.

My father was a gambler. They didn't call it an addiction then. Just that he was a gambler. He would take anything of value the family had and play the horses.

Mom tried many times to leave him. He abused her and tried to have her committed to get rid of her.

To get away from him mom moved us kids into an apartment above a funeral home. she would clean the place after each service. And we had a safe place to live.

Well we thought it was safe from him but.... Funeral homes have small elevators that they use to get bodies up from the embalming room. For some reason we used the elevator that day. My sister, mom and me. My sister took a step backward and fell through a crack between the floor and elevator. She was gone. Just like that.

I lost my sister and mother that day as my mom was no longer able to deal with life. So me being 3 felt a detachment to everything with this loss. Something that impacted my life to this day.

By this age the impact is subtle.

What's all this have to do with me being an alcoholic drug addict?

There are singular events in my life that have left me with holes that no amount of drinking or drugs will ever fill.

It was not the event of her death. It was the abandonment the event created.

Things in my life, I find, have created under currents of feelings that are hard for me to see. Until now.

When I wanted to not feel so alone, I found people to get drunk with.

When I wanted to not feel at all, I found people to do drugs with.

Well over a decade has passed where I did not feel at all. Nearly a continuous high.

Sobriety has blessed me. As many sober people on SR can attest, it clears the head and heart. At least it's starting to do that for me.

I shared this event not to relive it but to release it.

Release the bonds that brought me to drink everyday.

I am sober this Saturday. I have had other sober Saturdays and they still amaze me. Being sober at drunk times.

I savor these moments. When clarity rules!

This is a very personal post and one thats uncomfortable to put out there but I am hoping others can relate.

pipparina

What a terrible event. I cannot even imagine what that could do to a family. It is unnatural for a parent to bury a child. But being a 3 year old, seemingly abandoned by both mother and father, produces scars that are difficult, if not impossible, to heal.

I'm glad you shared this with us. Be kind to yourself when you think back on being that 3 year old and growing up through that. Staying sober, and time, can help that wound heal.

Weasel1966

I am fine these days. Not sure why I shared it. I felt compelled.

Being sober and clear is sooooo cool. I love it.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss and for the other painful things in your past Ken...

but regardless of the dreadful things and the pain and hardship that can shape our psyche and lead us to drink and drugs, I know now we can be happy, we can feel joy and we can start again on a fresh page.

I see in my own life and in hundreds of other lives here, including yours

Enjoy your Saturday, Ken

D

Weasel1966

Thanks Dee.

I do believe the same. Happiness is far less elusive if you stop trying to hide from it.

mecanix

I hope you can see yourself as the three year old and tell him he's a good boy and is loved .

Seems to me a hole is defined by whats around it, we don't play pool on a golf course, perhaps growing oneself is more useful than filling holes ..

Bestwishes, M

FreeFall

Weasel, I just want to send you a huge virtual hug. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for your losses-it feels like too much for a little child to have to deal with (or an adult for that matter). They say we're not handed more than we can handle but you were really given a massive test. I'm glad you're feeling strong enough to start to release it, and glad you have your SR family right there with you.

Jeni26

Thankyou for that post Ken. It really touched me. So many of us have lived through personal tragedy and it has shaped our lives.
I really do believe that lost little boy will learn how to grow now, how to find his happiness. Sharing it is a big step.
Stay sober and clean, you don't need those props any more. They don't help, they just keep us locked in the past.
Lots of love to you xxx

MesoFreak

There is obviously no words I can say, nor anyway I could relate. But I do want to thank you for sharing a piece of you with us Ken, that was pretty deep. I am certain you will meet her again

Weasel1966

Thanks FF, Jeni and Meso, sometimes it helps to just tell something that no one knows of. To let it not have new life but rather to be put to rest. Poor words to choose but accurate in this context.

I am sober and doing well. Feel good and strong.

It's Sunday... Just another day but one that I need to always be vigilant with.

So I will be here all day.

Thanks again for your reply and support.

Ken

FreeFall

How goes the Sunday Weasel? Hope it's going well for you

Mizzuno

Thank you for sharing Ken. The loss of a sibling at such a young age is very hard. The absence of parental figures when needed is a huge thing to swallow. I can relate with all of my being. Its amazing to see you sharing this part of yourself. We do what we do until we cant any longer. Some things/events serve a purpose in our lives. Its up to us when we choose to release them and grow...letting go of hurt is the hardest thing for me to do. I am working on that slowly. Very slowly. The older I get I believe it gets easier.
Maybe it is just the acknowledgement of such things that will start the healing process. Maybe this is why you posted this. I dont know. I am sorry that you went through all of that Ken. Thank you for allowing us to know this piece of you.