Back with the boyfriend and worried
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 5
Back with the boyfriend and worried
Hi all. I could really use some advice and support regarding my boyfriend, who shows signs of alcoholism. I broke up with him in July (we had been dating for five months). Then I moved a couple of states away to go to graduate school. We started talking again and ended up getting back together. I missed having him in my life very much. Everyone on this site knows how frustrating alcoholism can be...the person you love is in there somewhere, but you lose them when they drink. He is not an angry drunk. He has a sweet, kind disposition toward drunk or sober, and is generally very affectionate. He is high-functioning, with a job, etc. But I see him using the bottle to self-medicate anxiety and depression, and that is painful to watch.
I have a hard time walking away from him because I struggle with anxiety and depression, too. I have empathy for him, in addition for enjoying him for who he is. Our personalities and interests complement each other. I was contemplating being with him for the long haul before I became aware of the extent of his drinking. Now I am worried about what will happen to me when/if he hits rock bottom and I am worried about what would happen if I had kids with him.
It also frightens me that I don't have more control over my reactions to my emotions. I thought I could leave him, no problem, and now I'm right back where I started with him. I haven't talked to him about his drinking since we broke up in July. I've been trying to stay out of it and let him make his own decisions. But what happens when I go to my parents' house over break (remember, I am in grad school in a different state right now) and I see him drinking the same amount as when I left? He went on the wagon for a few weeks in August and September, but did not get outside help or support and fell off. I don't know if he has tried again because I'm trying to stay out of it. How long is a fair amount of time to wait to see if he will quit? I know only I can answer those questions in the end, but any advice or sharing from personal experience would be much appreciated. Thanks so much to all of you!
I have a hard time walking away from him because I struggle with anxiety and depression, too. I have empathy for him, in addition for enjoying him for who he is. Our personalities and interests complement each other. I was contemplating being with him for the long haul before I became aware of the extent of his drinking. Now I am worried about what will happen to me when/if he hits rock bottom and I am worried about what would happen if I had kids with him.
It also frightens me that I don't have more control over my reactions to my emotions. I thought I could leave him, no problem, and now I'm right back where I started with him. I haven't talked to him about his drinking since we broke up in July. I've been trying to stay out of it and let him make his own decisions. But what happens when I go to my parents' house over break (remember, I am in grad school in a different state right now) and I see him drinking the same amount as when I left? He went on the wagon for a few weeks in August and September, but did not get outside help or support and fell off. I don't know if he has tried again because I'm trying to stay out of it. How long is a fair amount of time to wait to see if he will quit? I know only I can answer those questions in the end, but any advice or sharing from personal experience would be much appreciated. Thanks so much to all of you!
Euphoric Recaller
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: PHX Suburbs
Posts: 371
I would suggest posting this in the 'friends and family of alcoholics' forum. There is good support there from people who have been in your shoes. Check it out:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
There is no way you can make him quit unless he wants to quit. And if he does then he will do it in his own time. Unfortunately us drunks and addicts are a selfish breed and he won't see how much his drinking is hurting you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Hi Tapestry 
I think the important thing, like any relationship, is to work out what you think are good boundaries for a relationship...whats acceptable to you and what's not....if your bf crosses those boundaries, then you need to decide what to do then.
to put it a more specific way...AlAnon have the idea of the three Cs and a loved one's alcoholism - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Your boyfriend has to want to recover...no one else can do it for him.
If he doesn't want to stop drinking, you'll have to work out how you feel about that.
There is a ton of support here tho - I hope you'll check out the link Rob mentioned too
Welcome
D
I think the important thing, like any relationship, is to work out what you think are good boundaries for a relationship...whats acceptable to you and what's not....if your bf crosses those boundaries, then you need to decide what to do then.
to put it a more specific way...AlAnon have the idea of the three Cs and a loved one's alcoholism - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Your boyfriend has to want to recover...no one else can do it for him.
If he doesn't want to stop drinking, you'll have to work out how you feel about that.
There is a ton of support here tho - I hope you'll check out the link Rob mentioned too
Welcome
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 5
Thanks Dee74. I guess that's what it's all about: figuring out what I will accept in my life and what I won't. That's much easier for me to think about than simply the either/or choice of "be with him or don't be with him." I'm still holding on to the hope that he'll decide to stop if I wait around long enough. I don't know if that is a realistic hope, but I haven't let go of it yet, nonetheless. I'm a little ashamed of staying in a relationship that causes me pain sometimes, just waiting for him to change. Conventional wisdom says I should be stronger or smarter or something. I guess for now I'm trying to be honest about where I'm at and accept it. Thanks again for listening, I'll definitely check out the link Rob mentioned.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 453
Thanks for your post.
I would strongly recommend you see a therapist for your own benefit. It sounds like you have alot on your plate right now and it would be a great idea to help have someone help you work through your own emotions in dealing with this situation.
It also sounds like your Boy Friend does not see his drinking as a issue but you do. This will require making a decision to either accept him for who he is including his drinking habits, and assume that the drinking will continue and may even increase over time (Alcoholism is a progressive disease).
From reading your post it seems like in your heart of hearts you know that his drinking is not something you are willing nor should have to tollerate in a life partner. As hard as it is to let things go, it would be better to move on from this type of relationship sooner then later. Many people have wasted lots of precious time "Hoping" someone will change or even trying to "Change" them.
We deserve better.
I would strongly recommend you see a therapist for your own benefit. It sounds like you have alot on your plate right now and it would be a great idea to help have someone help you work through your own emotions in dealing with this situation.
It also sounds like your Boy Friend does not see his drinking as a issue but you do. This will require making a decision to either accept him for who he is including his drinking habits, and assume that the drinking will continue and may even increase over time (Alcoholism is a progressive disease).
From reading your post it seems like in your heart of hearts you know that his drinking is not something you are willing nor should have to tollerate in a life partner. As hard as it is to let things go, it would be better to move on from this type of relationship sooner then later. Many people have wasted lots of precious time "Hoping" someone will change or even trying to "Change" them.
We deserve better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 5
Thank you, SeekSobriety. I needed to hear that. I have been seeing a counselor and am considering finding an Al-Anon group in my area. My counselor is wonderful, but it would be great to connect with people who know exactly what I am going through. I recently found out my parents are both Adult Children of Alcoholics, so this disease has been impacting my family for generations. I'm crying as I type this...I hate the thought of giving up on him but he has given up on himself so there isn't anything I can do. Difficult to accept. Thank you again for the words of wisdom and encouragement.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1
Hello there
I somehow stumbled across your post and felt compelled to respond. I'm from England and have been with my man for 15 years (since teenagers). He tried many things and found SMART recovery excellent (has been dry for 7 months which is brilliant because the most he'd managed before that was 10 weeks)! Check them out, they are a international organisation.
Also, it's really important you seek out some support for yourself.
I hope this helps and you both manage to get some quality support.
Regards,
Gemma
I somehow stumbled across your post and felt compelled to respond. I'm from England and have been with my man for 15 years (since teenagers). He tried many things and found SMART recovery excellent (has been dry for 7 months which is brilliant because the most he'd managed before that was 10 weeks)! Check them out, they are a international organisation.
Also, it's really important you seek out some support for yourself.
I hope this helps and you both manage to get some quality support.
Regards,
Gemma
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