Missy7

I'm back on day one and have been many times. I'm so sick of saying that that I haven't been posting for quite a while. I'm sick of it, the people on SR are sick of it. And I'm tired of admitting it.

But maybe not admitting it is just as bad. The cycle is that I wind up in a real mess, recover, feel better, then assume I don't have a problem. So I allow myself just a beer or two. Only that's never true.

So I'm back. Again. Hanging on.

Natom

Complacency is something I also struggle with. Maybe this slip will convince you to apply yourself more to your recovery and that can only be a good thing.

Sapling

Have you ever given AA an honest shot Missy?....And it's good to see you again...Sorry it's not under better circumstances.

Caledonia1

Hi Missy, I can totally relate to how you're feeling. This was me too 7 months ago. AA is working for me this time (tried several years ago but just didn't get it) Thank fully this time I've met some great, likeminded, supportive people.

Give it a bash! With the support from SR and AA it's working for me and hopefully you too.

Please don't beat yourself up at least you've got the courage to try again and that's something huge in my eyes.

Take care.

MIRecovery

It would appear that what you are doing is not working too well. Maybe it is time to try something new.

AA worked for me

bbthumper

In AA we believe us alcoholics have a two fold illness. One part is an allergic reaction to alcohol. When we drink we seldom can just have one or two because our allergy manifests itself as a physical craving for more that is beyond our control. Of course like any other allergy this wouldn't be a problem if we just stopped drinking. Like an individual with a peanut allergy would stop eating peanuts. So what's our real problem? It centers in our mind. We have a strange mental obsession with alcohol. We seem to be able to always convince ourselves that "this time will be different". "This time i'll just have one or two""this time I won't drink the hard stuff" "I can control it this time"" I've gone a week without it. I deserve a drink" all sorts of goofy ideas when all the evidence from past experiences proves that we cannot handle alcohol in any form.

That's what AA helps with. The 12 steps restore our sanity and protect us from our goofy thinking. The Big Book can explain it far better than I can. Maybe you can try to google search "the doctors opinion" from the big book. If you can relate to what is written there, maybe consider attending an AA mtg to learn more.

Wish you the best.

Threshold

Glad to see you back. SR people are not sick of you, or your repeated recommitting to your recovery. Not at all. We are happy that after every slip there has been another Day 1.

And we want to part of your Day 1001!

Needsassistance

It's a struggle for all of us missy, especially early on. I started to stop(moderate)at least a dozen times, but never fully gave in until July 20th. No one on SR is sick of it, we've been here and are wishing you success and supporting you. Stick around, lots of great experiences to draw from here.

onlythetruth

Yeah, a "beer or two" never worked for me either. Actually, I think one of the most critical insights I had in early recovery was that I did not WANT a beer or two. I wanted to drink myself into oblivion without any negative consequences: the impossible dream. A "beer or two" was just the BS my addictive voice gave me to get me to drink, not something I actually desired!

Since others have put in a plug for the recovery program they like, I'll do the same. It's SMART Recovery for me! But as we all know, the key is to find what works FOR YOU. There are many different ways to recover.

doggonecarl

There is understanding the insanity of alcoholism. And then there is living the insanity. You are living it. And being sick of it isn't enough.

I spent the last ten years of my 30 years of drinking battling the bottle. Part of me said I wasn't really trying. The other part said I was going to drink till I died. I don't know why the last time I quit has been the one to take, but it has. For that I say a prayer of thanks every day. Something in me had to change, and not just the drinking.

What needs to change for you?

trikuza

I know how you feel Missy. My problem is that after I go a couple months sober, I feel like I deserve a beer as a reward for my good behavior. Then I convince myself that its okay for me to start drinking again. This time, I am going to fight that feeling.

And when I drink 1 beer, I cant stop!

MIRecovery

For me it was absolutely impossible to quit on my own. I tried, pyshologists, rehabs, wives, jobs, will power, other drugs, sex, you name it. I had to have group support. In the group I found people that were just like me. They understood the insanity. They helped me understand, I found real friends, they had a plan. AA saved my life and it can save yours too if you let it.

Missy7

I haven't figured out what has to change, but I like onlythe truth's idea that the "one or two" promise is BS and the true objective is to drink myself into oblivion. I am certain my goal is to disappear.

MIRecovery

The defination of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results.

Let others that have gone before you teach you what has to change and how to do it.

bbthumper

If anything other than our selves needs to change, we are screwed. If my problems were external, there would be no way to change that. The world around me is not going to change to benefit me. The change has to happen internally. The 12 steps are clear cut directions on how to bring about that change. All of the things that I used to think drove me to drink still occur all around me, but my perception and my reaction to those things have changed. Isn't that what drinking did to help me? Changed my perception of the world around me. So if I want a new solution to replace booze I need a healthier, more permanent method of changing my perception. Drinking no longer is a solution to those problems. I have a new way of life that is a far better solution to my real problem than alcohol was.

MIRecovery

I like to say it is a design for living that comes with an instruction manual. Until I worked the steps I did not realize the instruction manual I had been using my entire life was the wrong one. No wonder my life did not work very well

bbthumper

Another analogy I like is that its a cook book. If I follw the recipe exactly I get what it promises. Anyways, probably off topic from the OP. Sorry bout that!

doingitlongterm

Missy, I know for me you are right one beer is to much. I came to a point and realized that I was an alcoholic and I couldn't have any alcohol. I used to think like you saying that I would get sober and things would get better so I didn't think I had a problem and would drink and it didn't take long before everything fell apart again. So yes one is to many and one is never enough!

Veritas1

I would suggest it is the thought before the beer that is the problem.

The main problem centers in my mind.

I pick up the drink sober.

I use alcohol to change the way I feel, good or bad.

Taking specific actions daily puts me in a safe and protected place.

I didn't even think about drinking yesterday. It did not occur to me.

Normally I would drink on my brother's death. Poor me and all.

Not yesterday.

I woke up and followed the outline for living in the big book of alcoholics anonmyous. I called my sponsor. I accomplished tasks that were on my to do list. I had a manageable day.

I did cry and felt the pain for a bit yesterday. I felt it, cried, prayed, and did the next right thing instead of drinking.

It works. It really does.

I am also listening to Sandy B. 12 step Saturday Morning Workshops. I listen to AA speakers daily.

I have a walkman, and downloaded certain AA speakers.

When I get a little amped up, I go in my room, and listen on my walkman.

Time passes. I win.

You can do this too.

XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

This link takes you to the workshops page. Start with step one.

I could never be sick of you. You are me.

This is alcoholism.

Sapling

Beautiful post Veritas1!