mooselips

Hiya Roy,
I am so glad you checked in, I've been worried about you.
You are lucky, and so is your daughter. Your H.P. must have been looking out for all of you.
I know you might think that you are NOT lucky, but you are, think of the alternative. She is somewhere, where hopefully, she can get the care that she needs, and you have some recovery tools in your belt. You may not think so, but she is going to thank you someday.

Prayers and HUGE hugs coming your way.............

tryinagain

It just hurts sooooo bad. Thats all I can say. Have you ever hurt so bad that the tears wont come. Thats where I am......
Roy

In memory of miracle

Roy -I am sorry that you are hurting so bad and I know it must feel like hell.I have an older son who was very troubled in his youth.He has been in quite a few placements because of his emotional problems some of which,sadly,were due to my drinking.My drinking never did anything to help matters.It was like pouring gasoline on a fire.I am not saying that he would not have been socially maladjusted anyway,but I will never know.When I managed to get 6 yrs sobriety under my belt he continued to act out and yes it was tough and a real trigger but I had alot of support at the time.He is 24 years old now,out on his own and chooses not to speak to me because of my relapse,to date I have pretty much lost the relationship.What i am tryin to say is I really believed that drinking was a band-aid for my pain when the exact opposite was true.I drank my way through lots of painful times in the past several years and missed out on experiencing saying healthy goodbyes to both my parents.I live with that today.I didnt see at the time that my drinking was robbing me of everything.Why do I tell you this?Because I am hoping you will wake up to the fact that your drinking is probably not helping right now and I wish that some one had told me straight out at the time.I remember your struggles when you first started coming around and how much you wanted to stop drinking.It was my mistake to put conditions on my sobriety and I ran from the pain only to have it come back to me ten fold.I am prayin for you and your family right now and hoping you will see the light.Your daughter needs you.Her situation right now is so not about you.It is all about her and needin her Dad right now.Sober.Please Try Again,Trish.

dotcom

Roy,

i agree with what trish said. your pain must be a terrible burden for you right now that just wont leave. it sticks and nothing makes it go away, perhaps sleep, but when you wake up the nightmare is still all around you. perhaps drinking will ease the pain, but once the binge is over its there to jab you in the ribs again. i run from things i think. pain is one of them. i have not had (thankfully) much of the heart wrenching pain as i did from 13-just the beginning of 19. theres nothing i can say to make it better, i wish i could. sometimes the only thing to do is cry for awhile or try to get out of our heads. whatever you do i hope you choose not to continue drinking. you are such a strong man and have so much to offer people. you have helped me so much. i can tell you that when i got clean and knew my gramma was on her deathbed, i felt no guilt because i was there with her clean and sober. i knew all the crap i did to her and the family in the past, but i left no loose ends. i went to see her as much as i could handle and i maintained my clean time. if nothing else, i felt through that pain that i had made my gramma proud. i look back at that time and smile, because every single time i told my gramma i loved her, she responded back and she knew it. i just pray that you will find a way to keep your head above water. hang in there Roy. and as always, hugs and prayers coming your way.

dot

Dan

Yes Roy, I have.
I see pain all over these boards. So much of what I see here reflects back to me chunks of my life. Your present visceral, impossible life situation is no different. I arrived here shortly before the server crash, and never took the time to come over and say hello properly. I regret that somewhat, for I wouldn't feel as awkward as I do now.
I wish you some peace Roy, in any measure you can manage.

tryinagain

Hiya everyone. Thank you for all your support, advice and prayers. Things just seem to go from bad to worse sometimes. I have had this cycle in my life both sober and not. Its like one thing gets the ball rolling and it just perpetuates. I think I am having a nervous breakdown because whether I have a drink or not I will start sweating, nausea (bad), dizziness, and shaking so bad I cant see. I feel as though I am going to pass out most times. I have bottled these things up inside of me all of my life. All of the bad that has come my way. From not knowing my bio-family to finally meeting and getting to know my sister to enduring the pain of her being murdered by some psycho boyfriend. All the pain, all the years went to my gut and I just kept carrying on trying to pretend everything was ok. I will give you a scenerio. almost two weeks ago my daughter attempts to commit suicide and is committed to an institution. I suck it up, not even a tear. I go through all the visits and sessions and other parent meetings etc to find out why and DO. I try to figure this whole thing out and she seems a bit better they send her home. My work calls and pretty much tells me my job is in jeopardy. So, I load my daughter into the car to get her to school as the medication makes her tired but at least somewhat sane and I know I need to return to work. I have the flu so bad that I dont know which end to stick in the toilet. We go to pull out of the drive and the brake pedal goes straight to the floor. With the financial burden of what has been going on, and the fact that my other car is at work with my wife, what the hell do I do now. The same thing I always do, suck it up and call the auto shop and have it towed for repair. Call work and tell them the situation, still sick as a dog and the car just crapped out on me. Now we have auto repairs to add to the list of things that we dont have money to pay for. I start sweating and shaking so bad that I am positive I am going to die at any second. Ok, coffee right. Wrong, puke that up too. Toast, no again. I am really sick right now and can barely even speak. I have not shed a tear during this whole two weeks of hell and I think it is my bodys way of getting out the years of pain and grief. Like I said, emotional, physical and mental overload. I took a couple of drinks and it did not help so it is not withdrawal this time. I think I am near a complete meltdown and still cannot manage a tear. This sucks so bad and I just wish that I could return to stable if there is such a thing.
Thanks for listening,
Roy

In memory of miracle

((roy)) I am so sorry you have had so much pain in your life.I know its not easy.I can so identify with the stuffing of the feelings(you are not irish are you *lol*) I grew up in a pretty stoic Irish household thats why I ask.Than I am sure you have that whole man thing to deal with.You know the John Wayne thing.It was a big awareness for me to realize I was way outta touch with my feelings and am working on that right now,but first I had to do something about my drinking.It was not possible for me to get well and heal until I first dealt with that.When I felt bad enough physically and emotionally I surrendered to the process of recovery and I gotta tell you that no matter what has happened to me the past six months it has never been as bad as the day I hit bottom.With alot of love and support I have been able to get thru and find some gratitude each day.I can only offer you my support and urge you to try again! Perhaps not on your own this time. prayers to you and your family...Trish

dotcom

(((Roy))) hugs and prayers coming your way.

tryinagain

Hiya to everybody. I went through some really bad withdrawals today after a couple of weeks of BEER. I realize my relapse and mistake and know that I either need to cut way down or quit completely again. Thanks to all for checking in. On all the other stuff, well it seems to be smoothing out for now. I really need to quit again but with all the crap that has slid down the tube lately, I find it bad timing. The fact is that I only have a couple left in the fridge and am thinking seriously about white-knuckling through the cold turkey again when they are gone. I know that I need to but with everything that has went on, the timing seems off. Anyway, thanks for checking in and I will check back in a little while.
Prayers,
Roy

dotcom

(((Roy)))

no time like the present. and, imho, theres never a good time to quit. im here for you. its no fun to white knuckle alone and you have been such an encouragement to me. hugs and prayers coming your way.

rock on,

dot

In memory of miracle

((roy))

True Blue

((((Roy)))) That beer does not make anything get better, but why am I telling you that you already know that. I love you Roy my thoughts & prayers are with you always. Take care of yourself Roy. Thanks for checking in. I miss you.

tryinagain

Thanks for checking back guys. You are right, the beer is not good for me nor me for it but the couple hours of numb keeps me sane. I have decided to join an AA group because I had a talk with my boss today and he knew as soon as he seen me that I am having withdrawals. See, he had a problem too and now attends meetings twice a week. He will still have an occassional drink but thats it. We had a good talk and I have decided to empty the fridge and then run the course, the same way I did last time. Pray for me guys, I need it.
Prayers,
Roy

dotcom

(((Roy))) hugs and prayers coming your way. i think you have made a good decision for yourself. its a step in a good direction! hang in there and do whatcha gotta do!

supportive hugs,

dot

True Blue

Roy, I am praying for you right now.

Dan

Godspeed Roy.

In memory of miracle

(((roy)) I am so happy about your decision to try again! I am pullin for you! Prayers ^ love ya,Trish.

Chy

We're here for you man! Courage, strength and hope coming your way. *hugs*

tryinagain

I have a question. I know what kind of withdrawals I will have to endure after these last few wear off. I am not drunk, just had 5 left and have been slowly consuming them to ward off the imminent. Anybody who has this disease knows what I am talking about and what I will go through. So, should I start a new thread because last time I know it helped alot of people including me. Detox/withdrawal is no fun and I get it hardcore, near death hardcore. So with that said should we just continue on here through this or should I start a new one for all the newbies to see?? Some people dont like to read into the fourth page to see what is going on if they first get here. ?????????? Let me know.
Roy

By the way...half a bottle left and then it is gone. Knowing what I know it will start to hit about two/three hours after that. The sweat, clammy, confused, nausea, erratic pulse, shakes, etc etc.

Dan

My opinion Roy, do as you wish. Do what will help you.
I can sure use the reminder of what it's like.
It's been a long time for me, but I'll sit and watch if you're willing to share it.
Takes a Big soul to reveal yourself like that.
You have my respect, as well as my silent prayer.