EDHARLEY

I have been on and off her for over a year. I have cut deal after deal with myself on quit dates. I have not been happy for over 2 years and in fact life seems dark and it should not. I get extreme anxiety and drink alone. Nothing look fun and I find that I dont enjoy anything anymore. I almost wish that I have never noticed that I had a problem as now it just makes me dwell on it. I go on bender after bender and then sit at home. My life is actually very good, I make money, do what I want and live in a nice house. I play golf when I can but just getting out of the house is hard for me. I feel as if I am on a hair pin trigger and emotionally unstable and worry all of the time. I have abandoned my friends and cannot figure out why all of the sudden I am like this. My latest sober stint was 8 days and I am starting again today. I was just wondering if anyone has felt like this in the past. I guess it does not matter I just want to get better.

Starting again today...

Natom

I've had all the material goods in the world. I've had a good paying job. A beautiful fiance. I had lovely designer clothes. I'd go out to eat in posh restaurants and I'd pay people for sex and love. Do I miss it? Yeah sometimes but what I don't miss is the fact that I knew I was in the middle of the eye of the storm.

Stuff may appear to be ok on the outside but on the inside you're in shreds. Only you know that you need to sort your issues out and the first step is admitting there are issues in your life that you want to resolve.

Start but don't finish. Get yourself a recovery support network and take it one day at a time.

Weasel1966

Ed, I am not doctor but I can tell you from experience that drinking made me depressed. Was I drinking because I was sad or was I sad because I was drinking?

Since its a question I cannot answer outright I had to do something. I went to the dr and got some meds to ease the depression. It is helping but I am not all there. When I get depressed I can barely move. Everything hurts. Physically and emotionally. It is crippling.

I have learned to manage it. With med. with not drinking. With reaching out to people that can support me. I got a therapist. I joined aa. I come here. The combo seems to be working. I feel much better. More happy than I have in a long while.

Is the work easy? No. You have to want it. And until depression was controlled I never wanted it.

Not sure this helps but just wanted you to know you are not alone.

K

Anna

Hi Ed,

It's good to see you back.

I found that as long as I was stopping and starting drinking, I was not sober. I expected that my life would change, but it didn't, until I stopped for good. Then the anxiety and depression became more manageable. The fact that I couldn't control my drinking definitely upped my anxiety level.

You can make this your last Day 1.

Sasha4

I have often wondered what the point is/was.

I have a well paid job, big car, big house, nice handbags.
None of it made me happy/makes me happy.

I would give anything to be able to socialise with friends without worrying.
I would give anything to be carefree.
I would give anything not to be crippled by anxiety.

I do know that drinking just makes it ALL worse.
It just makes me isolate all the more, worry all the more, panic even more.

I know when I am not drinking, I can cope with myself better. I can look myself in the eye and believe that I am doing all I can to try and make me be better.
If you suffer from what we all suffer from, drinking and drugs just make everything worse.

I wish you the best

xxxx

hypochondriac

I went from being the party girl to practically agoraphobic... just down to drinking. It was frustrating because actually I didn't really 'feel' anxious most of the time and I thought my days of social anxiety were long behind me, but if I wasn't at home drinking I would be prone to random panic attacks so bad they'd make me pass out. And of course fear of that happening made me more anxious and it would become a vicious circle. I isolated myself big time. I have literally only had one panic attack since I quit drinking, and although I have had plenty of anxiety it has all been very rational. But what I did have to do was give myself the time and space to recover and make sure I was strong in my sobriety before I put myself to the test.

I'm sure things will get much better for you sober Ed

Also, my drinking got worse when I was trying to quit because I was probably scared that each time was going to be my last. I think that is natural. Don't read too much into it and give sobriety a chance.

Are you getting any other support than SR? x

Dee74

Some great advice here Ed.

I agree with Anna - starting and stopping drinking was not enough for me to turn things around - I was not yet in recovery...I needed a decent run of sobriety for my head to clear and my perceptions to change.

If you've not been able to get a decent run of sobreity doing what you've been doing, maybe it's time to ramp things up and try some other things Ed?

D

2granddaughters

Ed, your story is repeated often in the threads here. Are you attending AA meetings?

I felt just like you until I joined AA.

All the best.

Bob R

artsoul

Welcome back Ed -

I can totally relate - that's exactly how I felt at the end of my drinking. I kept telling myself I was OK as long as I could work, pay the bills, etc... but inside, I was barely hanging on.

The longer we drink, the smaller our world gets. You deserve so much better, like we all do...... We're here for ya!

scat143

hanging on outwardly but i so need a break. totally feel for you and wish you the best.

FreeFall

Edharley, we all get it and you're definitely not alone. You are probably dealing with being disappointed in yourself and feeling like you don't have the control over your life that you need. Everything is more clear sober so it's worth a try.
You might find you'll revert back to a lot of your more positive habits and hobbies from days when drinking wasn't in charge.

DisplacedGRITS

welcome back, ED. all the material things in the world don't mean diddly if you can't really enjoy them. until you're happy with yourself you're not really going to be happy with your life. that means looking at where you are right now and facing that. it's not pretty but it's a step in the right direction. you don't have to dwell on the problem so much. start planning on the steps you're going to take to deal with it. alcoholism doesn't go away but it can be managed. dwell on that instead. there is a bright side to this. it just depends on how you decide to look at it.