Lost
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 6
Lost
(Sorry, posted this in the Family portion and probably should have put it here.)
I am at the roughest patch of my life right now. My husband's anniversary gift to me on Sept 1 this year was to never touch a drop again. Then two weeks later he wanted a divorce.
I am so confused by this and can't help but wonder if it is tied to his drinking.
My husband HAD a drinking problem. He was a very high-functioning alcoholic. He never hurt or abused me, but I was contantly concerned. He wasn't the type to frequent bars or the party atmosphere.
He used alcohol to dumb himself down every night and I was left with an empty person as a husband.
I wanted him to stop drinking so much - because I was concerned for his health in the future. We are 33 and I envisioned being left alone as a widow at a young age when we should be able to enjoy life. Other than that, he is a wonderfully healthy man.
We have three children 16, 13, 10 and have been married for 11 years. He had his first two children at ages 17 and 19. I came along when they were 2 and 4, we had a third child together and I legally adopted my oldest two.
We tabled the divorce and decided to separate for one year. Me, hoping to renew our love together during this time. Him, I think it is to help me get used to it instead of seeing me so hurt.
Promise to quit drinking Sept 1.
He told me of the divorce Sept 14.
Moved out of our home Sept 29.
I need help understanding. I know alcoholics sometimes need to stay away from those people in their life that encourage drinking. I was the one waiting in the wings for him to stop so we could start a better life together. I encouraged him to stop drinking so much.
I can't even drink. I tried to, so we could share something, but with recent medical changes the smallest drink puts my insides in turmoil and I need a full two days to recover.
Am I considered an enabler because he would ask me to stop and buy his vodka on my way home from work?
I don't understand why this drastic change toward me. This is what I had been waiting for and now poof! he needs his distance.
I truly am not one of those wives that was constantly nagging. I was portraying the role of encouraging him to come off it so much. It was his idea for not a drop more. Said it was all or nothing. I get that, and I am super-supportive. I can tell he has not had anything either.
I am very proud of him. His gift meant so much that I was moved to tears in public when he told me.
I am at the roughest patch of my life right now. My husband's anniversary gift to me on Sept 1 this year was to never touch a drop again. Then two weeks later he wanted a divorce.
I am so confused by this and can't help but wonder if it is tied to his drinking.
My husband HAD a drinking problem. He was a very high-functioning alcoholic. He never hurt or abused me, but I was contantly concerned. He wasn't the type to frequent bars or the party atmosphere.
He used alcohol to dumb himself down every night and I was left with an empty person as a husband.
I wanted him to stop drinking so much - because I was concerned for his health in the future. We are 33 and I envisioned being left alone as a widow at a young age when we should be able to enjoy life. Other than that, he is a wonderfully healthy man.
We have three children 16, 13, 10 and have been married for 11 years. He had his first two children at ages 17 and 19. I came along when they were 2 and 4, we had a third child together and I legally adopted my oldest two.
We tabled the divorce and decided to separate for one year. Me, hoping to renew our love together during this time. Him, I think it is to help me get used to it instead of seeing me so hurt.
Promise to quit drinking Sept 1.
He told me of the divorce Sept 14.
Moved out of our home Sept 29.
I need help understanding. I know alcoholics sometimes need to stay away from those people in their life that encourage drinking. I was the one waiting in the wings for him to stop so we could start a better life together. I encouraged him to stop drinking so much.
I can't even drink. I tried to, so we could share something, but with recent medical changes the smallest drink puts my insides in turmoil and I need a full two days to recover.
Am I considered an enabler because he would ask me to stop and buy his vodka on my way home from work?
I don't understand why this drastic change toward me. This is what I had been waiting for and now poof! he needs his distance.
I truly am not one of those wives that was constantly nagging. I was portraying the role of encouraging him to come off it so much. It was his idea for not a drop more. Said it was all or nothing. I get that, and I am super-supportive. I can tell he has not had anything either.
I am very proud of him. His gift meant so much that I was moved to tears in public when he told me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Santa Monica, CA
Posts: 168
he may have found himself incapable of following his promise to stop. So maybe he is keeping his distance in order to continue his drinking.
I don't think you should blame yourself for driving him to the liquor store. If you didnt, he would probably find another way to get his vodka anyway
I don't think you should blame yourself for driving him to the liquor store. If you didnt, he would probably find another way to get his vodka anyway
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 47
I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. Maybe he just got overwhelmed with the idea of actually quitting, and it caused him to run. Sounds like he's just scared. Afraid of being sober, and even moreso afraid of breaking his promise to you.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Notheast US
Posts: 524
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Rough patch is probably an understatement. I can understand your confusion and pain.
You have a lot of questions. Most of the answers should come from your husband, especially if you have a one year trial separation and three children.
How well have the two of you been able to communicate with one another regarding problems? If it has been good, you might want to sit down and ask him questions so that you can understand his decisions and discuss what your expectations are for the future. You need more clarity so that you can explain things to your children, and that they are hearing consistent explanations from both you and their dad. It might be easier with an intermediary so that the discussion stays focused and does not wander off onto tangents.
We can all speculate, but that is all it would be is speculation.
(((Slim)))
Rough patch is probably an understatement. I can understand your confusion and pain.
You have a lot of questions. Most of the answers should come from your husband, especially if you have a one year trial separation and three children.
How well have the two of you been able to communicate with one another regarding problems? If it has been good, you might want to sit down and ask him questions so that you can understand his decisions and discuss what your expectations are for the future. You need more clarity so that you can explain things to your children, and that they are hearing consistent explanations from both you and their dad. It might be easier with an intermediary so that the discussion stays focused and does not wander off onto tangents.
We can all speculate, but that is all it would be is speculation.
(((Slim)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 6
I really don't believe he has had anything to drink. I believe he used ME as in promising ME that he won't drink as a way to force himself into it.
Seems the only promise he is fine with breaking is his promise to be with me forever.
-Slim, we are both really level-headed people. He does not believe that quitting has anything to do with needing the separation. I have already questioned it. I am afraid of bringing it up again since I have my 'answer' from him.
He says, if anything, the cloud in his head has lifted. (That one hurt...so the cloud lifts and you don't want to be married?)
He has also resolved to be more easy-going and fun loving and happy.
He says I am judgemental with regard to other people and their appearance. I'm afraid to point out to him that this is one of his faults. He has been that way for many years. Pointing out those that are overweight or 'lower class'. I did point it out to him once and since then, he will make a remark and then say "Oh, I guess I shouldn't say that because I would be a hypocrite."
I don't get it? I have no issues with other people's appearances. He's the one that revamped my clothing style. He had to have designer and I'm a clearance rack girl. Sure, I'm thin, but my two best friends are heavily overweight. I am concerned for them because they each have health issues from it, but other than that, I don't care what people weigh.
Which also delves into his recent health kick. He is consumed by his weight. Weighing himself trying to lose. His eating style has changed. He has lost weight, but I was perfectly happy with him before. He is so sexxy regardless of the number on the scales. Which I have told him many times.
I came here, because maybe this is something normal that others have experienced. He may not recognize it, but maybe someone can give me some insight so I can tread lightly and do the RIGHT things rather than sending him over the edge into divorce territory.
This is quite a shock to everyone we know. He has been a very doting husband and father.
I'm am torn to bits, crying myself to sleep every night now that he's gone. I am trying to stay positive so we can rekindle our friendship. Our friendship is the main thing that suffered from his drinking. The love and care is there for me, but so is resentment.
I have no fear that he will start drinking again. If he does, it would be some kind of complete mental break down.
Seems the only promise he is fine with breaking is his promise to be with me forever.
-Slim, we are both really level-headed people. He does not believe that quitting has anything to do with needing the separation. I have already questioned it. I am afraid of bringing it up again since I have my 'answer' from him.
He says, if anything, the cloud in his head has lifted. (That one hurt...so the cloud lifts and you don't want to be married?)
He has also resolved to be more easy-going and fun loving and happy.
He says I am judgemental with regard to other people and their appearance. I'm afraid to point out to him that this is one of his faults. He has been that way for many years. Pointing out those that are overweight or 'lower class'. I did point it out to him once and since then, he will make a remark and then say "Oh, I guess I shouldn't say that because I would be a hypocrite."
I don't get it? I have no issues with other people's appearances. He's the one that revamped my clothing style. He had to have designer and I'm a clearance rack girl. Sure, I'm thin, but my two best friends are heavily overweight. I am concerned for them because they each have health issues from it, but other than that, I don't care what people weigh.
Which also delves into his recent health kick. He is consumed by his weight. Weighing himself trying to lose. His eating style has changed. He has lost weight, but I was perfectly happy with him before. He is so sexxy regardless of the number on the scales. Which I have told him many times.
I came here, because maybe this is something normal that others have experienced. He may not recognize it, but maybe someone can give me some insight so I can tread lightly and do the RIGHT things rather than sending him over the edge into divorce territory.
This is quite a shock to everyone we know. He has been a very doting husband and father.
I'm am torn to bits, crying myself to sleep every night now that he's gone. I am trying to stay positive so we can rekindle our friendship. Our friendship is the main thing that suffered from his drinking. The love and care is there for me, but so is resentment.
I have no fear that he will start drinking again. If he does, it would be some kind of complete mental break down.
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