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Alcoholic mind is something else!

Old 10-03-2012, 12:54 AM
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Alcoholic mind is something else!

I still have staples in my freaking head from the last drunk-walking-black-out incident that occurred this past weekend, and my mind has been trying to develop ways to continue to keep drinking.

My alcoholic side is telling me:
1. I can only drink at home of stuff that I brew, and drinks I prepare.
2. I can buy a breathalyzer for smartphone and get an app to check how drunk I am and stop... but I don't have a smartphone
3. If I go out in public I am only allowed to drink with people that understand my circumstances and wont push me to drink more. Designated drinking buddies.
.
.
.

So far that is what my mind is telling me

My head hurts slightly and feels uncomfortable with staples in there and I am planning my next drink...

I went for a checkup today and my doctor recommended me see a psychiatrist, and get blood work. To bad the psychi is in late October, I would have liked it now! My doctor looked like a concerned mother would, that made me feel like poop. I haven't told my mom, and I don't want to, I would disappoint and worry her greatly.

Well this next smilie has nothing to do with anything , but it looked cool, and they kinda make me happy
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Old 10-03-2012, 01:01 AM
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and every day after I say: I really screwed up this time! Never fails. I am tired of saying those words! I don't want to say them any more! My lower back and rotator cuff really hurt also, more so than the freaking head pain.
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Old 10-03-2012, 01:13 AM
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1. When I was 15 I was drinking alone in my bedroom, I don’t remember how the happened but I broke my mirror on my dresser and sliced my arm open and had to get 13 stiches. Drinking in your house really isn’t any safer and you can still easily injure yourself. I’ve woken up covered in bruises, with 2nd degree burns, cuts etc…none of which I remember getting. So unless you lock yourself in a padded cell you can still easily do damage drinking alone & that’s not even taking into account the internal damage you’re doing. Not to mentioned drinking at home doesn’t mean you’ll get any less drunk in fact it probably means you’ll get MORE drunk because you don’t have a bar tender somewhat controlling your intake or any friends or others around to tell you or force you to see that enough is enough
2. I’m sure you you already realize you’re drunk but it doesn’t matter when drinking because no matter how drunk we are it doesn’t stop us from drinking more that’s why we’re alcoholic so even know you’re drunk from some App won’t stop you from drinking. If it did you’d stop after 3 or 4.
3. You are your own worst enemy when it comes to “pressure” to drink. If you truly could control your drinking or didn’t want to drink more no “friend” could pressure you to consume more alcohol.
You have staples in your head. You can’t remember how they go there. You were lucky that you didn’t get more seriously injured. You need to ask yourself what it’s going to take for you to realize WOW I have a problem and stop letting your alcoholic voice be in the drivers seat.
Go to AA, read stories here, get a big book just read up about alcoholism and justification as much as you possibly can, I’ve found it helpeful when my own alcoholic voice tries to justify everything. Which it does ALL THE TIME but I’m learning to talk back to it. Sometimes I literally right out how I’m feeling and reply to myself as I would on these forums. Maybe it makes me a little crazy but it helps.

PS- I am having a super hard time telling my parents too but I think we both know it's something we need to do
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Old 10-03-2012, 01:15 AM
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You make me remember a time when I was stopping a fight in the bar. And I got knocked the f** out, and on the way down hit my head on the corner of the floorboard.

A couple seconds later coming to, and being taken in to get those same staples.. I drank that next day, and after several dui's I drank the next day. After wrecking my cars or being fired from work, I drank the next day..One and on for dedcades.. Nothing scared me anymore other than not being able to drink....


Till I accepted I had a problem there was nothing to be done. Its been a year and half with a couple slips. And I think about drinking now and then. I just cant. I know what happens ... Well thats the problem I never know what is going to happen ... I cant stop once I start..

You got a ton of good AA out there, I hope maybe just maybe you will go give it a shot... Pun intended.. ;-)
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Old 10-03-2012, 02:32 AM
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Until you start treating your disease, you will have little defense against the tricks your mind will try to get another drink. It's relentless. Try AA. It works.

During one of my drinking evenings, for whatever reason I decided to end it all (this was becoming a pattern towards the end). I started slicing my wrist. But I only had a lady's razor, which wasn't very effective. I still have these sad little scars from that. And yes, I drank the next day.

Get some support
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Old 10-03-2012, 03:33 AM
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Drinking at home alone is probably the worst thing you could be doing. You're behind enemy lines and have no-one their to stop you doing stupid stuff that could injure yourself or others. If you want to use a smartphone app to check how drunk you are then I would assume you know you have a problem and should get help?
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Old 10-03-2012, 03:52 AM
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Till I accepted I had a problem there was nothing to be done. Its been a year and half with a couple slips. And I think about drinking now and then. I just cant. I know what happens ... Well thats the problem I never know what is going to happen ... I cant stop once I start..

I so agree inda! Defending myself and my actions is a lost cause. Once I start I can't stop either and that's scary to me. It's worth it to me to change my life and love myself enough to get help and support for this. You are always so encouraging!

Meso.... It's just the way our brain works. But please. Don't pick up again. Next time could lead to your parents identifying your body. Please. There is help out there. We just have to ask for it. Best wishes!
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Old 10-03-2012, 05:31 AM
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Meso,
Ask the psychiatrist office to notify you of cancellations because you want to be soon as soon as possible. Years ago, when I was going through my divorce, this worked for me. I was surprised / pleased, to get a call a day later. I dropped everything and went to the appointment....a real life saver.
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Old 10-03-2012, 05:35 AM
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Ugh I feel like we are totally similar people. My thought process has always been like yours that you described above. I'm on day 3 and all I can think about is the future and what will happen when this weekend when I want to go out and maybe I can have just one drink. But I know that's not what I want. That's not what I *should* do and not what is going to help me. I'm pretty scared, but at least we all have each other to talk about all this with.
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Old 10-03-2012, 05:49 AM
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Meso, I thought I could get sober by myself ...with just SR. That works for some. Many actually. Some use other methods.

But I found that for my particular type of person and drunk I need to be face to face with people in addtion to SR. The two together are amazingly supportive.

Maybe you should try something that brings you face to face with people like you.

Aa comes to mind. I go and take what I need and leave what I don't agree with but overall it's awesome to find and be around others.

Sounds like you are an island in a sea of drinkers.

I really hope you find it and get it soon. Hate to have something more happens needlessly to you.

Ken
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Old 10-03-2012, 06:32 AM
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Meso. I had to quit trying to do it MY way and begin to try the RIGHT way.

My very best thinking was what brought me to the driveway of the Recovery Home with a gun to my head.

I had to begin to follow the winners... the sober, sane, serene oldtimers.. and to do what they had done.

I had to begin to do the worst, God awfullest, hardest and most frustrating thing I had ever attempted. I had to change my thinking.

AA has helped me in the task (a task that is never done but becomes more do-able). I could never have done it alone.

All the best.

Bob R
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Old 10-03-2012, 07:08 PM
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@ Fenway, I agree with your second point. I actually drink less at home because I don’t have people buying me drinks when I don’t want them. So at home I may have 2-4 spreadout throughout the day or in one sitting, but somewhere else it may be more because people buy me drinks or offer me more (those that don’t know me). It doesn’t take much for me to say: Okay! Ask me twice if I want a drink more than likely I will take from you after I had a few. I have more control of myself with myself at home than in social settings.

@IndaMiricale, your story hits home because, no offense, that is exactly what I don’t want to happen to me.

@pipparina, I don’t think it is a disease (I think we had a short discussion on this involving a SouthPark episode). I believe this is self-inflected damage like someone that cuts themselves; we know what can happen and its nothing good but we keep on doing it. Disease I believe is like Alzheimer’s, etc. I do believe I need to start treating myself better and cutting the alcohol from my life with support of people that struggle with letting this addiction go.

@Natom, see @Fenway.

@Chardonnay740, just these five words here, “Please don’t pick up again” make me never want to drink again. Thanks. We have issues with this for sure, I know I will need help from people and that is what I will seek.

@Pondlady, thanks for the tip, I will do so immediately

@Krispy87, lets struggle together. Together we are stronger than one... although my outer strength try’s to deceive me that my inner strength can handle it.

@Ken, sea of drinkers: you got that right! It is hard being in college with booze at our disposal so easy. Believe me bro, I don’t want anything else happening to me either.

@2granddaugthers, I will seek help, and thanks for your input. I also want to follow winners and be here five years from now given people like me (now) advice on how to cut this thing out.
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