Weasel1966

I know i have been posting a lot. but i feel like i need to as things are moving under me a lot right now. i have no one here i can talk to so you are it.

The experiences of this last two weeks has been a lot for me. The ups were up and the downs way down. But it wasn't just the emotion that wore me out. It was the constant decision making along the way.

Putting myself in situations and places that are new. Meeting people. Planing where the meetings will be. The apprehension of committing to anything whole heartedly. I have had a headache nearly an entire week from the stress of things. From trying to get a grip on just how far down I am and think what the heck it's going to take to get my life back.

I feel overwhelmed.

Why wasn't I feeling this before. I keep going back to the realization that two more months slipped by me and I changed absolutely nothing. My drinking patterns remained the same. they did shift slightly to make me feel like I did something but the result was the same.

I don't want there to be a next time. The last time was it. It was my next time then.

Is never an option to consider. Yes. It always is.

But what's between next time and and never? Where in no mans land will I be if I choose that route?

I make that choice every day. Drinking takes a left. Sobriety a right. And sometimes it's like being on a roundabout. When you go in circles looking for the right exit.

Now I am famous with my friends for never knowing where I am at. I have zero sense of direction. But I know where I am at this moment. The importance of what I do next over the weeks to come will have repercussions long lasting in my life.

A wave of fear came over me as I read this back. What if never was the option? What if my next time takes everything away? Then there truly is nothing between next time and never.

I just can't let that happen.

K

Mark75

Yea, I felt like that at first, and, truth be told, I kinda felt that way for months, though it was in a diminishing arc...

This is PRECISELY why I found that the whole "One Day At A Time" attitude is soooooooo important! I couldn't get my head around, well, "between next time and never", as you so aptly put it... so my most frequently used tool early on was to remind myself to live in the day, this is what I am doing TODAY... That whole morass of the future and what it means, and what am I doing in AA and how am I going to live my life sober and what about my family and wife, and work and what about my friends... ad nauseum... LOL...

Relax.

Soon you will get traction under your wheels and find your new direction.

Iamanalcoholic

Weasel -- when was the last time you drank? I'm thinking something similar. I wish I could drink the way 'normal' people do, but that's not really an option for me. I see 'never' as my only viable option.

Needsassistance

Ken, you're a deep guy. There's no doubt this is a complicated thing, that I've chosen to simplify for myself. I fought with my self for years on am I or aren't I, I can control it, etc.
I gave up after my last f up 75 days ago and entered an IOP. I simply cannot drink, ever again. The only way that can be successful is for me to know it and for those closest to me to know it. I can never have that first drink, ever. I wish you the best.

Weasel1966

Sorry if this was dark in any way. It was written from a optimistic point of view.

The meeting I went to last night... No one showed. So this guy and me just talked in my car for 45 minutes. Guess he affected me. Made me look at myself.

There were similarities in our differences. And he was further along to no mans land than me. It frighten me to think of where I will be if I don't hit the breaks hard and keep it that way.

I will get out of my own head today. Going to a different meeting again tonight. Lets see what that yields.

Thanks for the responses.

K

Needsassistance

Sorry, don't take my comments the wrong way. Read your note and brought me back to some of the struggles I used to have in my head, so wanted to share. I personally had to stop thinking about it, stop fighting it, and just do something about it.

Weasel1966

No offense taken. I welcome your input.

I am doing just that. Getting off my butt and going to meeting to meet people. Just yesterday that guy gave me a deeply sad feeling. He sounded hopeless.

I am not now or never will be hopeless. No one should feel that way. It's not easy to see.

I am being active in this. More than ever.

K

mecanix

Realizing never was an option made me so happy, to never have to put myself through all that again .
to handle that decision/realization i've had to learn and am still learning how to cope with the up's and downs of life sober.
How low did i have to go before that option was real ? all the way for me ..

Bestwishes, M

MrsKing

Like Mecanix, when I realised I could say never and believe it, my life completely changed and I no longer had to fight any more... I just had to accept it, embrace it, and move forward. For me, 'never' was the word that totally liberated me.

MIRecovery

Amazing how our experiences are so similar. I could not agree with Mark more. Take it a day at a time. It took a long time to get you to this point. It will take time to get better and sort things out.

MIRecovery

Weasel, you also have to realize you brain is still scrambled. I know in early sobriety I experienced PAW's (Look it up) It just takes a while before the old head starts to work correctly again. I would have memory lapses, get confused, and drop things I was holding on to. I have been told that it takes 5 years before your brain totally reorders itself but that is not to say there is any excuse to drink. 5 days, 5 months, 5 years, are all in the future so just worry about making it through today. One day sober is always a good day

mfanch

Sounds like you need the Solution, and pronto. I would sponsor up and get started on the Steps immediately. You are at the jumping off place....

Weasel1966

I have that now. I sometimes lose my motor skills. I cannot complete sentences. I get confused as to where I am at physically. It's scary to feel these things.

I am ready to accept help.

MIRecovery

I have a very distinct memory. I had been going to the same AA meeting for months. Same time same place everyday. One day I drove right past it and realized I did not know where I was. Scared the crap out of me. Good news is this stuff just slowly goes away. Today all of this junk does not happen anymore. Hang in there. I embraced AA early, did what the old timers told me, and now I have a new life and new happiness. I was one sick puppy so if I can do it anyone can

Mark75

PAWS... hmm, I decided, after looking back, I may have had some of that, though it is possible that it was just that early sobriety crap... I would wake up in the morning, or it could be the middle of the day... and my head would just be a whirlwind of thoughts, discontentment, anxiety... all that... sure didn't help the desire to not drink, LOL...

I found some phenomenal meditation music, and when it just got overwhelming, I would put on my headphones and chill...It worked good, sometimes I'd fall asleep!! Now I can't listen to it, it evokes those memories of my early journey...

It gets better, truly it does.

drybuss

Never is the option. If one looks at drinking like a dying friendship, one we are not yet ready to give up because we ignore the obvious bad in the hope some of the good will return we are trapped in the roundabout. The good thing is, a right turn and some time puts distance between us and the roundabout. If we find ouselves in another we know going right will get us out and hopefully we don"t even do a lap. been there! I lean left and then make a hard right!

Weasel1966

I had been falsely under the impression I can fix this and not have to change my life to do it.

I know now that the only way to fix this is to change my life.

I am doing that even as I type this.

i am both happy and satisfied , among other emotions, that I have made this commitment.

For the first time since I have been looking at this problem I see am am just starting.

drybuss

I looked at my problem for years. I can fix alot of stuff but I needed help to fix me. It sure is nice to just fix the things that normally go wrong instead of fixing all the things I messed up while drunk. It is scary but oh so worth it! Good choice!

MIRecovery

The defination of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting differant results.

Yes, change is essiential because the same man will drink again. The lure of alcohol is just too strong for most of us if we remain the same person. AA gives you a design for living a new life as a new person and it even comes with an instruction manuel. I would highly recommend going to 90 meetings in 90 days. After that you can determine what your course of action should be

angelwithhorns

Very well written Weasel. You will find your way, sounds like you are already there. Best of luck!!