If I give up on myself then all is lost
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Originally Posted by NewBeginning010 
I mean this is the nicest of ways but.... BS ;-)
Yes of course it was. Good old drunken BS!
Originally Posted by Vall
Dear MyTimeNow,
You sound very lucid to me despite your intake...there is actually a lot of help avail in the UK (not sure where you are?) I work for the NHS so can give you some leads if you need help.
Love your avatar by the way. Where is that?
You sound very lucid to me despite your intake...there is actually a lot of help avail in the UK (not sure where you are?) I work for the NHS so can give you some leads if you need help.
Love your avatar by the way. Where is that?
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi MTN
you're not a failure - you're just like the rest of us.
The key to getting out of that cycle is change.
Change is not easy - you'll meet Drs who won't be interested, you'll have to wait for counselling appointments, recovery programmes or books will never quite be an ideal fit...life will continue to throw you challenges.
But if you're worthy of a better life - a sober one...you need to roll with those disappointments and obstacles and put up with a little short term discomfort for a long term gain.
I know - every fibre of your being will tell you that you can't...and every muscle memory you have will want you to reach out for a bottle...but, in the end, you have to say no, MTN.
We don't need to do it alone tho.
I found support really helps MTN - I don't know what recovery programmes you've looked into, but if nothing you're doing is helping you break free of the cycle, maybe it's time to look again?
I know you have a great life waiting for you on the other side of this.
My advice is don't wait - run towards it
D
you're not a failure - you're just like the rest of us.
The key to getting out of that cycle is change.
Change is not easy - you'll meet Drs who won't be interested, you'll have to wait for counselling appointments, recovery programmes or books will never quite be an ideal fit...life will continue to throw you challenges.
But if you're worthy of a better life - a sober one...you need to roll with those disappointments and obstacles and put up with a little short term discomfort for a long term gain.
I know - every fibre of your being will tell you that you can't...and every muscle memory you have will want you to reach out for a bottle...but, in the end, you have to say no, MTN.
We don't need to do it alone tho.
I found support really helps MTN - I don't know what recovery programmes you've looked into, but if nothing you're doing is helping you break free of the cycle, maybe it's time to look again?
I know you have a great life waiting for you on the other side of this.
My advice is don't wait - run towards it
D
Well this morning I have made my first post on the SMART forums (which I talked about for ages but didnt actually do anything about) and have sat and done a decision making worksheet of cost benefit analysis - I have it written down and saved so shall post here after replying - and probably add more to it!
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MTN
Every step does move us closer to the next step. After many years I finally got it and am now 16 months sober. I had got to the stage where I did not believe my promises to myself anymore, struggled from feeling tormented day to day. Despite that it happened for me.
It became obvious to me when I just didn't care anymore that I was ready to surrender.
At around the time a few days into sobriety I imagined 'surrender' as jumping out of the alcohol plane without a parachute and not caring anymore what would happen. It worked.
Every step does move us closer to the next step. After many years I finally got it and am now 16 months sober. I had got to the stage where I did not believe my promises to myself anymore, struggled from feeling tormented day to day. Despite that it happened for me.
It became obvious to me when I just didn't care anymore that I was ready to surrender.
At around the time a few days into sobriety I imagined 'surrender' as jumping out of the alcohol plane without a parachute and not caring anymore what would happen. It worked.
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Originally Posted by Hevyn
MyTime - You're doing some serious soul searching. I did a lot of that before I was finally ready to quit. I was disgusted with myself - and in my heart I knew I would one day give it up. I had to be ready, or it would be a lame attempt.
It sounds like you're getting closer to committing to getting sober. You are not a donkey or a failure. As you said, you're not going to quit quitting. We're here for you - we know you can make it out of that foggy world you've put yourself in and reclaim your life.
It sounds like you're getting closer to committing to getting sober. You are not a donkey or a failure. As you said, you're not going to quit quitting. We're here for you - we know you can make it out of that foggy world you've put yourself in and reclaim your life.
I also don't think that I had firmly made my decision you know? Yes I was loving sobriety but there was always that nagging thought there.... not 100% commited to taking that leap. That's where I have to be. This is hard!
Originally Posted by ACT10Npack
MyTimeNow, I was the same way when I got drunk on my 30th birthday. I was not depress/anxiety, no regrads. So, I'm 30 years old and don't have much to my name anymore. It was different 5 years ago, had a lot of money save, had a house but I move and now I have a job but not one that makes a lot of money to pay off my hospital bills, credit card debt and IRS which I didn't pay it yet only my credit card debt.
My goal is to pay off my credit card debt and IRS before my birthday and not drink anymore. If I can pass 90 days then things should go well again my my life.
My goal is to pay off my credit card debt and IRS before my birthday and not drink anymore. If I can pass 90 days then things should go well again my my life.
Originally Posted by TodayisGood
Hey MTN,
Sorry your having a hard time, but I believe in you. You can do this. Toss the rest of the bottle down the drain, get some rest, and sign back into SR in the morning. It's the alcohol telling you to be ashamed, because no one here feels that way towards you at all. I admire your fight and will to be sober. You can do it. Good job posting tonight. Please keep posting.
Sorry your having a hard time, but I believe in you. You can do this. Toss the rest of the bottle down the drain, get some rest, and sign back into SR in the morning. It's the alcohol telling you to be ashamed, because no one here feels that way towards you at all. I admire your fight and will to be sober. You can do it. Good job posting tonight. Please keep posting.
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Originally Posted by justhadenough
Sending you hugs MTN
Good on you for posting-it's the right thing to do/Everyone is herefor you. You are not a failure. Hope you manage to get some sleep/x
Good on you for posting-it's the right thing to do/Everyone is herefor you. You are not a failure. Hope you manage to get some sleep/x
Yeah managed some sleep after a whirl of stuff going round my head, catch up with you soon xx
Originally Posted by Stride34
Thanks for the post MTN, you sound too self aware and smart to not have a recovery success story written all over your future. Stop the negative self talk and stop thinking so much. Just get on with it already.
Originally Posted by NoFireWater
MTN good to hear from you! Sorry you're struggling with it all right now. Tomorrow is a new day and as Oprah says "another chance to get it right".
You had me laughing out loud re XFactor. You know you can do this, you're just at that rebellious stage right now that's fighting it. You have the desire, and that's the most important part. You drank because it's a habit that you've been doing for years, because you were bored, because you lost confidence in yourself. You can turn that around.
You had me laughing out loud re XFactor. You know you can do this, you're just at that rebellious stage right now that's fighting it. You have the desire, and that's the most important part. You drank because it's a habit that you've been doing for years, because you were bored, because you lost confidence in yourself. You can turn that around.
Always great to hear from you, wise words. I do feel stuck in a rut with it and it's just habit. I think that's why i'm picking up - habit. This is what I do etc. Recognising it and turning it around is what I'll be working on. Must get back on track, anything other is not an option.Thanks too Sobersunshine, congrats on your 20 days that's great stuff!
I've worn myself out with all this typing!! Wanted to say a huge thanks to you all though for being there for me last night and this morning. And tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...!
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Originally Posted by instant
MTN
Every step does move us closer to the next step. After many years I finally got it and am now 16 months sober. I had got to the stage where I did not believe my promises to myself anymore, struggled from feeling tormented day to day. Despite that it happened for me.
It became obvious to me when I just didn't care anymore that I was ready to surrender.
At around the time a few days into sobriety I imagined 'surrender' as jumping out of the alcohol plane without a parachute and not caring anymore what would happen. It worked.
Every step does move us closer to the next step. After many years I finally got it and am now 16 months sober. I had got to the stage where I did not believe my promises to myself anymore, struggled from feeling tormented day to day. Despite that it happened for me.
It became obvious to me when I just didn't care anymore that I was ready to surrender.
At around the time a few days into sobriety I imagined 'surrender' as jumping out of the alcohol plane without a parachute and not caring anymore what would happen. It worked.
That's what it feels like a complete leap of faith... I suppose when something has been part of your life for such a long time then it's bound to be weird to cut ties. That said you wouldn't get me jumping out of a plane with a parachute let alone without! Completely understand what you mean though, thank you
So... this morning I sat and did this - my cost analysis worksheet, I'm sure there is lots more I can add to it. I think I'll print it out and keep it with me...
Decision Making Worksheet / Cost Benefit Analysis
The substance or activity to consider is: __Drinking_________________________ Date:__25/09/12__________
Using or doing
Advantages (benefits and rewards) Disadvantages (costs and risks)
stress relief (st) feel rubbish (st)
boredom relief (st) waste of money (lt)
enjoyable ? (st) bad skin (lt)
weight gain (lt)
health problems (lt)
wasted day next day (st)
lack of self respect (lt)
anxiety (st)
can do stupid things (lt? st?)
NOT using or NOT doing
Advantages (benefits and rewards) Disadvantages (costs and risks)
feel good in morning some discomfort in early days from withdrawal (st)
have more money having to deal with reality (lt)
look better skin wise
lose weight
enjoy the day
more productive
more self respect
healthier
Label each item either short term or long term
Not sure if that will come out right.
Ok I'll stop spamming the boards now!!! Will check back in later when my fingers have had some rest. Thank you all again.
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I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling, MTN.
Was it really as impulsive as you said it is? Not that I don't believe you, of course, I'm just trying to see what might have lead you to buy a bottle of vodka without any sort of warning beforehand. What were your thought processes leading up to it? What sort of things were going through your mind when you picked the bottle of the shelf?
Also, nobody here thinks you're a failure. We're proud of you for being honest and for not quitting quitting.
Wishing you all the best.
Was it really as impulsive as you said it is? Not that I don't believe you, of course, I'm just trying to see what might have lead you to buy a bottle of vodka without any sort of warning beforehand. What were your thought processes leading up to it? What sort of things were going through your mind when you picked the bottle of the shelf?
Also, nobody here thinks you're a failure. We're proud of you for being honest and for not quitting quitting.
Wishing you all the best.
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Originally Posted by MrsKing
I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling, MTN.
Was it really as impulsive as you said it is? Not that I don't believe you, of course, I'm just trying to see what might have lead you to buy a bottle of vodka without any sort of warning beforehand. What were your thought processes leading up to it? What sort of things were going through your mind when you picked the bottle of the shelf?
Also, nobody here thinks you're a failure. We're proud of you for being honest and for not quitting quitting.
Wishing you all the best.
Was it really as impulsive as you said it is? Not that I don't believe you, of course, I'm just trying to see what might have lead you to buy a bottle of vodka without any sort of warning beforehand. What were your thought processes leading up to it? What sort of things were going through your mind when you picked the bottle of the shelf?
Also, nobody here thinks you're a failure. We're proud of you for being honest and for not quitting quitting.
Wishing you all the best.
The buying the bottle wasn't impulsive, the thought was, which then turned into the plan I guess. I was at a cleaning job in the morning and started thinking about having a drink, then it turned into what to drink, which turned into oooh i'm going to chill out with vodka and coke. I was not even trying to fight it, it was like the past 3 months on SR had never happened. I want a drink I shall have a drink. I drove home across town, stopped at a shop, did the deed and the rest is history. HOWEVER there was definitely something there saying this is wrong as I would not buy at any of my local shops, I stopped elsewhere, I suppose doing it in secret.
I've been reading lots today and I think I need to regain my motivation to want to stop. So I'm reading lots of things about building and maintaining motivation and other support techniques.
That said, I'm a bit tired so will go back over it all with a fresh head in the morning. Then an even fresher head the next day, and the next, and the next... ad infinitum!
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I think I can kind of see what you mean... and that's one thing that worries me about the future, too - will there ever be a moment when my resolve is weak and the thought comes into my head and I just DO it, without thinking seriously about it? I try not to worry too much about it... but your post has definitely put doubt in my mind. I do know that this is more than likely my AV... so I'll not stay on that thought any longer!
I'm glad you're reading around... that can never do any harm
About maintaining motivation... I think I do (subconsciously now) constantly remind myself of all the benefits of sobriety and how much happier I am, how much more fulfilled I am, etc. The motivation for me is in all the benefits... rather than why I gave up drinking in the first place - although that does help, I'd rather not go there!
I'm pleased you're sounding positive x
I'm glad you're reading around... that can never do any harm
About maintaining motivation... I think I do (subconsciously now) constantly remind myself of all the benefits of sobriety and how much happier I am, how much more fulfilled I am, etc. The motivation for me is in all the benefits... rather than why I gave up drinking in the first place - although that does help, I'd rather not go there!
I'm pleased you're sounding positive
x
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Dear MTN,
Please write as much as you like, and do not think you are spamming the forum. I have been following your messages and find them helpful to me.
I can identify with aspects of your messages. I experience changes in mood and attitude depending on the time of day. This changeability causes me to lose confidence in my own thought processes. It is hard to feel firm in one's resolve with low confidence. And every evening I want a drink, an occurrence that further shakes my confidence. Right now I have no good answers, but I have decided to spend more time on SR.
MTN, I look forward to your continuing messages.
Mel
Please write as much as you like, and do not think you are spamming the forum. I have been following your messages and find them helpful to me.
I can identify with aspects of your messages. I experience changes in mood and attitude depending on the time of day. This changeability causes me to lose confidence in my own thought processes. It is hard to feel firm in one's resolve with low confidence. And every evening I want a drink, an occurrence that further shakes my confidence. Right now I have no good answers, but I have decided to spend more time on SR.
MTN, I look forward to your continuing messages.
Mel
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Your on your MTN....you are taking a big step in the right direction. Your self-awareness is solid and shows you want sobriety. Sure it takes work, and it will feel like a roller coaster ride at times. Remember though, like a roller coaster ride..you can ride & have fun, or you can ride & feel sick. Hang on...you are already showing signs of strength & hope.
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I think a big key is to recognize when the addiction is making demands and being able to talk yourself through it. I haven't gotten heavily into AVRT but just the idea that addiction has a voice that you can overpower was very helpful for me. I have used that technique over and over again. Instead of stopping at "I want a drink now" and going to the bar or package store, you can add all kinds of thoughts to the process..."But if you drink, you'll feel like crap tomorrow...I don't want to smell like booze at work...I don't want to get stopped for a dui for the sake of having 2 or 3 drinks...I'm afraid of serious health consequences,etc." Sometimes just one statement turns it around, and some days I need the whole collection to avoid it.
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Originally Posted by MrsKing
I think I can kind of see what you mean... and that's one thing that worries me about the future, too - will there ever be a moment when my resolve is weak and the thought comes into my head and I just DO it, without thinking seriously about it? I try not to worry too much about it... but your post has definitely put doubt in my mind. I do know that this is more than likely my AV... so I'll not stay on that thought any longer!
I'm glad you're reading around... that can never do any harm
About maintaining motivation... I think I do (subconsciously now) constantly remind myself of all the benefits of sobriety and how much happier I am, how much more fulfilled I am, etc. The motivation for me is in all the benefits... rather than why I gave up drinking in the first place - although that does help, I'd rather not go there!
I'm pleased you're sounding positive x
I'm glad you're reading around... that can never do any harm
About maintaining motivation... I think I do (subconsciously now) constantly remind myself of all the benefits of sobriety and how much happier I am, how much more fulfilled I am, etc. The motivation for me is in all the benefits... rather than why I gave up drinking in the first place - although that does help, I'd rather not go there!
I'm pleased you're sounding positive
xCan definitely see how the motivation can come from reminding ourselves from the benefits. I think just recently the problem was, I wasn't giving myself enough time to see any benefits...
Thank you
Originally Posted by Mel12
Dear MTN,
Please write as much as you like, and do not think you are spamming the forum. I have been following your messages and find them helpful to me.
I can identify with aspects of your messages. I experience changes in mood and attitude depending on the time of day. This changeability causes me to lose confidence in my own thought processes. It is hard to feel firm in one's resolve with low confidence. And every evening I want a drink, an occurrence that further shakes my confidence. Right now I have no good answers, but I have decided to spend more time on SR.
MTN, I look forward to your continuing messages.
Mel
Please write as much as you like, and do not think you are spamming the forum. I have been following your messages and find them helpful to me.
I can identify with aspects of your messages. I experience changes in mood and attitude depending on the time of day. This changeability causes me to lose confidence in my own thought processes. It is hard to feel firm in one's resolve with low confidence. And every evening I want a drink, an occurrence that further shakes my confidence. Right now I have no good answers, but I have decided to spend more time on SR.
MTN, I look forward to your continuing messages.
Mel
I've joined the first 7 day thread on SMART so they can get used to some MTN wittering too
That said, got diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome last week and typing hurts! What am I gonna do?!! I'm sure I'll manage
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Originally Posted by bryangt
Your on your MTN....you are taking a big step in the right direction. Your self-awareness is solid and shows you want sobriety. Sure it takes work, and it will feel like a roller coaster ride at times. Remember though, like a roller coaster ride..you can ride & have fun, or you can ride & feel sick. Hang on...you are already showing signs of strength & hope.
Even if I don't feel wholly confident in myself, messages like this do give me a great boost. I do wonder though how a supposedly self aware person like me can mess up so many times! I've never once enjoyed a roller coaster ride lol but it got me thinking, white water rafting is something I've always wanted to do so it's either stay in the boat and scream with excitement at the ride, or... fall overboard and drown... hmmm I do know which I'd prefer!
Originally Posted by NoFireWater
I think a big key is to recognize when the addiction is making demands and being able to talk yourself through it. I haven't gotten heavily into AVRT but just the idea that addiction has a voice that you can overpower was very helpful for me. I have used that technique over and over again. Instead of stopping at "I want a drink now" and going to the bar or package store, you can add all kinds of thoughts to the process..."But if you drink, you'll feel like crap tomorrow...I don't want to smell like booze at work...I don't want to get stopped for a dui for the sake of having 2 or 3 drinks...I'm afraid of serious health consequences,etc." Sometimes just one statement turns it around, and some days I need the whole collection to avoid it.
I am very much the definition of insanity... I do often think ahead and KNOW how it will be, the hangover and all the bad things that go with drinking and every time *sigh* think but... but... it'll be different this time. Ha, yes, mad.When I was first reading about AVRT it was like a light being switched on for me as I'd spent so many years arguing with myself. Go buy some drink, but I don't want to drink, but it's day 2, that's a drinking day, but I don't really want to ... round and round and round. That what felt like schizophrenic thinking got me so wound up and anxious that every time the beast won and I drank. It was almost like being beaten into submission. Now I have sort of gone the opposite and my thinking is 'I' want to drink, so 'I'm' going to with very little thought of anything else. I need to work on that! Maybe a list of hangover - FACT. Tired - FACT. Moody - FACT it's all negative - FACT. DO NOT KID YOURSELF IT'S GOING TO BE OK MTN!!!
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MTN,
So glad to see you again. I could have written most of what you did, you know?
Keep your eyes set on the first-30 day thread over there at SMART, and use us as the wind behind your sails to get there post-haste!
Often when I think about drinking, I don't care in the least about the after. Which helps me to understand that it's not really "me" that wants the booze, it's the addiction. Why would I want to do something that caused such harm to me, short and long term? I don't! Nor do you, and I am so glad to see you back here ready to face this thing.
So glad to see you again. I could have written most of what you did, you know?
Keep your eyes set on the first-30 day thread over there at SMART, and use us as the wind behind your sails to get there post-haste!
Often when I think about drinking, I don't care in the least about the after. Which helps me to understand that it's not really "me" that wants the booze, it's the addiction. Why would I want to do something that caused such harm to me, short and long term? I don't! Nor do you, and I am so glad to see you back here ready to face this thing.
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Thank you Obladi, I'll have a look. I am NOT going to be a 7 day regular! I was just reading the HOV thread - puts it into perspective...
All lurgified here so makes night 2 very easy. Early bed time
Hope you are well, catch up soon
All lurgified here so makes night 2 very easy. Early bed time
Hope you are well, catch up soon
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