Blame where blame isn't due
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
Blame where blame isn't due
I have a hard time sharing blame. Or maybe the right term is "responsibility"? Regardless, while drinking I either quietly panicked in my head hoping nobody would look my way, assumed it was my fault and tried to fix things anyway I knew how or I argued so defensively I looked guilty even if I wasn't.
The common theme though was that, no matter what, it was my fault. That's how I've felt for years and it's not consistently been the truth.
I was hit in the face with this today and I've been struggling very, very hard. I was supposed to travel tomorrow evening to meet with a client on Wednesday and Thursday. When I asked my admin assistant to confirm this morning, she said they were expecting me tomorrow (Tues). I was immediately in defense mode. Sh*t, what did I screw up? I booked my plans and confirmed the trip personally all while sober. After speaking with my client, it seems she and I both mixed things up, are both at fault and came to a mutually agreed upon resolution. But I still feel completely responsible. It's killing me and I'm sitting here worried beyond reason. I know it's because I have screwed up travel plans for work and otherwise because of my drinking in the past and I can't shake the feeling that I'm still being a jerk. Anyone else know how I feel? The funny thing is, I've only really screwed things up once in five years. And even then I wound up with a lucky rabbit's foot or something. Yet, I KNOW I'm one excuse, one stupid mistake away from being busted. ugh. terrible feeling. I just have to remember... I was sober, sober, sober! Now if I'm stupid it's because of that and only that!
The common theme though was that, no matter what, it was my fault. That's how I've felt for years and it's not consistently been the truth.
I was hit in the face with this today and I've been struggling very, very hard. I was supposed to travel tomorrow evening to meet with a client on Wednesday and Thursday. When I asked my admin assistant to confirm this morning, she said they were expecting me tomorrow (Tues). I was immediately in defense mode. Sh*t, what did I screw up? I booked my plans and confirmed the trip personally all while sober. After speaking with my client, it seems she and I both mixed things up, are both at fault and came to a mutually agreed upon resolution. But I still feel completely responsible. It's killing me and I'm sitting here worried beyond reason. I know it's because I have screwed up travel plans for work and otherwise because of my drinking in the past and I can't shake the feeling that I'm still being a jerk. Anyone else know how I feel? The funny thing is, I've only really screwed things up once in five years. And even then I wound up with a lucky rabbit's foot or something. Yet, I KNOW I'm one excuse, one stupid mistake away from being busted. ugh. terrible feeling. I just have to remember... I was sober, sober, sober! Now if I'm stupid it's because of that and only that!
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Omg, Silly. I could have written this post! I didn't think anyone else was like me in this aspect. It is something that has caused problems in my psyche for so many years. I don't really have anything of value to add I suppose, only that I understand 100%. I have often wondered if it didn't come from how I grew up. I can remember other kids being congratulated for getting B's but me being criticized for not getting straight A's, that sort of thing along with always feeling/being responsible for everyone and everything! I guess the good part now is that we are identifying it and can see it for what it is. And we are sober 
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