Thewifey

I'm new to this... My story: my AH (is that right? Alcoholic husband?) and I have been together for 19 years, married for 15. For 14 years we worked hard all week and partied hard on the weekends just like everyone we know. About 5 or 6 years ago I took the kids to McDonald's and when we came home my older son found my husband face down on the floor in the garage. Our life has been a roller coaster ever since. 4 years ago he finally admitted he was an alcoholic and started his AA journey. He's never really worked the steps. He drinks in secret and lies about it. He never admits to drinking. I've read so many stories on here that I could have written myself. I know instantly when he's drinking, the kids do too. The only thing different with all the stories I've read and my own is that when my husband drinks he insists on being active in the house with the kids and I and I would prefer he go off to the basement and pass out. Instead, I have a day or two of him acting like a lunatic and asking me every 5 minutes what is wrong with me. I always just answer with "the same thing that was wrong 5 minutes ago. You are drinking." And he always replies with "no I am not. It hurts me that you doubt me." Or something like that. My older son is now 15 and he knows the signs as well as I do, maybe better. He's tired of it. His dad is sort of mean to him when he's drinking. Lately it seems to be escalating. If AH and I argue, my son will try to get in the middle. I worry what path this will lead down. Weird thing: he never drinks M-F and rarely on Saturday. Unless its a big binge which he has about 2x a year in which case it could be any time. It usually starts Sunday morning, weird half drunkeness all day, him trying to outlast me at night, me waking up to him falling or knocking something over, then he passes out. Monday morning comes and he "feels around" trying to find out if I busted him the night before- probably since I am sure he cannot remember. I kicked him out once. And have given him the old "me or booze" ultimatum. Of course he chooses me since he doesn't drink. Then he does really good for a while. I think about 3 months is the longest he's stayed sober. I used to obsess about recording dates and finding bottles etc but I just drive myself crazy doing that. It doesn't change anything. He's a terrific husband and father when he's not drinking. Meanwhile the rest of us are wondering when the next "big one" will be. It's hard living like that. The boys and I worry that if I were to make that final decision not to live like this anymore- he will not live long. I don't think he'd stay sober those 6 days a week if he didn't have us here.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of writing all of this other than an opportunity to vent/share my story. My secret story that only the bots and I know. But it's comforting to read some of your stories to know I'm not alone and that some families have survived. Some alcoholics have won. I hope one day my story will be a story about winning over this horrible disease that eats away at my family. Thanks for providing me with a safe place to share.

Dee74

Welcome thewifey

I know you'll find a lot of support here - this is a great community.

I also recommend you check out our Family and Friends forum too:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

silly

Sorry to hear about such a long and frustrating journey. The only advice I can provide is to stop ignoring his drinking. You can't stop him, he needs to want to quit but, there's no reason to turn a blind eye or accept his lies. Sit him down when he hasn't been drinking and tell him you know what's going on and there needs to be resolution. No need to be confrontational, just firm. Try not to get caught in the "no I'm not" "yes you are" game. The question becomes though, if he is drinking (and you know he is) what are you willing to do to help yourself and your kids if he doesn't want to stop and continues to lie so he can drink?

Southerner

I can so sympathize with your story. My wife could always tell when I had had some wine or beer after work. I love now that I could not hide anything from her. Looking back, it means she cared enough to pay attention to me. I also understand why your husband lies. He probably feels a mixture of shame, regrets, and a huge desire to turn it around. He wants your respect, and he knows he is not earning it. That does not make it better, but I think that that's probably close to the mark.

Obviously, just saying he is going to quit does not seem to be the plan that is working. As you know, HE has to want once and for all to turn it around. If he does not fully and completely embrace that, then no amount of wishing and waiting on you and your kids' parts will change anything. He needs to get to that point, whatever that point is, before anything ever changes. I got to that point when after my last binge I found my wife sitting on our doorstep watching the sunset. She was crying, and I just realized how much this wonderful person did not deserve to have to worry about when the next binge would occur. At that moment, I knew I had an obligation to turn it around. Until that point, no amount of logic would have changed anything.

I cannot give advice other than to do what is right for you first. He has to make his own choice, and you cannot make it for him. He probably already knows the options: AA, individual therapy (my choice, and it works for me), clench-fisted abstention, or just accepting that alcohol is the most important part of his life and he is not going to give it up. He is an adult, and he needs to choose what he wants. Each one has its own set of actions. Making a choice and not acting (which seems to be what he has done in the past) is like making no choice at all.

Keep posting here so we can give you support!