I realize now my "friend" is really my enemy!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 120
I realize now my "friend" is really my enemy!
Hello everyone,
I'm so happy to have found this forum. I no longer feel so alone in this horrific battle I seem to be fighting.
I am 35 year old female. All through my teen years and 20s, I was never a big drinker. I could take it or leave it, frankly. (boy do I want to have that mind-set back!) I do have grandparents (no longer alive) that were alcoholics, both grandfathers on my parent's side. One favored beer, the other vodka.
I've had a tough life, particularly my upbringing and early adulthood, as so many of us do. I am thankful that I have a loving family, and a large circle of friends. Unfortunately, I've been living this secret awful double life and I really need to make some changes.
For the last 5 years, I've been finding my life to be really depressing, sad, etc. Even though on the surface and to the outside world, it looks fabulous. I have a good, high-paying job, a wonderful teen-aged daughter who (bless her heart) is a very good student and a good person; she doesn't want to be bad, rebel in any way, drink or take drugs; she has a very high moral ground and value system. I have a very good-hearted fiance who loves me, accepts me for who I am; we have a nice house and money in the bank. Life should be good, but for me it's anything but.
Now for the reality - I suffer from major depression, a result of my verbally abusive father, sexually abusive friend's older brother, my first marriage at age 19 which was a total fiasco and resulted in a messy divorce to which my financial credit still hasn't recovered, and a baby born after a rape from said husband (when we were legally separated) which resulted in an adoption. After all of this, my own parents suffered from a meth addiction which resulted in the loss of their house, finances and ultimately any financial future I may have inherited. (they have since recovered and are completely clean, but it has really damaged my mental health, such pain!!) Anything material I now own has been the result of my own hard work. Unfortunately, because I have shown myself to be hardworking and responsible, I do have many family members who beg for money and turn to me in their time of need. I don't mind this but I am now fighting my own demons and I need help and have nowhere to turn.
All this has made me turn to the bottle, because I felt like (at least in the beginning) that the initial giddyness I felt from pounding a few shots made all the depressing and desparing thoughts disappear. Vodka is my drink of choice - it's the one thing I can drink myself into oblivion; I don't enjoy the taste and always use a chaser, but I've definitely thought of it as my "friend" for a long time. Unfortunately, I realize it's NOT my friend, it makes me angry, brings out all the pain I keep inside; I've said and done terrible things while blacked out. I loved it because I could never drink a lot of wine, usually 1 or 2 glasses and I'm done; I don't like whiskey or any other hard liqour, I can't stand the taste of beer, and I usually don't like to bother with mixed drinks due to all the sugar, and it just seems a waste of time. My absolute favorite drink of choice is one shot of vodka after another, I just love the idea of pounding shot after shot.
Like I said, for years I could take it or leave it, and I used to never drink straight vodka. But about 5 years ago, the pain I felt inside was so unbearable that I started feeling felt like I wanted to be drunk and forget it all. It started with the actual feeling of "I need to be buzzed and numb myself so the pain will go away" But as we all know, this does nothing to take away the pain, and in fact makes it worse. It's been a slow journey to where I am today.
I came to this site because I really want to stop what I'm doing. In the last year, each day has been a countdown to when am I going to have my first shot. I hate that I think constantly about my next drink. I'm so disgusted with myself for thinking this way; I don't have any other addictions to speak of but I can't get vodka out of my mind. I never thought I'd go down this road but here I am. And I need help. I have tried to keep this a secret but my fiance and daughter know something's up, and a few friends have expressed some concern. I've managed to not let it interfere with my work, but honestly there's been times I've wanted to start taking shots in the morning or early afternoon!
I'm sorry this is so long. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate this downward spiral I'm on. I feel like I don't recognize myself anymore. I really want to stop drinking vodka - as I type this I am contemplating my next drink. This is horrific...stop the merry-go-round...I want off!!
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I'm so happy to have found this forum. I no longer feel so alone in this horrific battle I seem to be fighting.
I am 35 year old female. All through my teen years and 20s, I was never a big drinker. I could take it or leave it, frankly. (boy do I want to have that mind-set back!) I do have grandparents (no longer alive) that were alcoholics, both grandfathers on my parent's side. One favored beer, the other vodka.
I've had a tough life, particularly my upbringing and early adulthood, as so many of us do. I am thankful that I have a loving family, and a large circle of friends. Unfortunately, I've been living this secret awful double life and I really need to make some changes.
For the last 5 years, I've been finding my life to be really depressing, sad, etc. Even though on the surface and to the outside world, it looks fabulous. I have a good, high-paying job, a wonderful teen-aged daughter who (bless her heart) is a very good student and a good person; she doesn't want to be bad, rebel in any way, drink or take drugs; she has a very high moral ground and value system. I have a very good-hearted fiance who loves me, accepts me for who I am; we have a nice house and money in the bank. Life should be good, but for me it's anything but.
Now for the reality - I suffer from major depression, a result of my verbally abusive father, sexually abusive friend's older brother, my first marriage at age 19 which was a total fiasco and resulted in a messy divorce to which my financial credit still hasn't recovered, and a baby born after a rape from said husband (when we were legally separated) which resulted in an adoption. After all of this, my own parents suffered from a meth addiction which resulted in the loss of their house, finances and ultimately any financial future I may have inherited. (they have since recovered and are completely clean, but it has really damaged my mental health, such pain!!) Anything material I now own has been the result of my own hard work. Unfortunately, because I have shown myself to be hardworking and responsible, I do have many family members who beg for money and turn to me in their time of need. I don't mind this but I am now fighting my own demons and I need help and have nowhere to turn.
All this has made me turn to the bottle, because I felt like (at least in the beginning) that the initial giddyness I felt from pounding a few shots made all the depressing and desparing thoughts disappear. Vodka is my drink of choice - it's the one thing I can drink myself into oblivion; I don't enjoy the taste and always use a chaser, but I've definitely thought of it as my "friend" for a long time. Unfortunately, I realize it's NOT my friend, it makes me angry, brings out all the pain I keep inside; I've said and done terrible things while blacked out. I loved it because I could never drink a lot of wine, usually 1 or 2 glasses and I'm done; I don't like whiskey or any other hard liqour, I can't stand the taste of beer, and I usually don't like to bother with mixed drinks due to all the sugar, and it just seems a waste of time. My absolute favorite drink of choice is one shot of vodka after another, I just love the idea of pounding shot after shot.
Like I said, for years I could take it or leave it, and I used to never drink straight vodka. But about 5 years ago, the pain I felt inside was so unbearable that I started feeling felt like I wanted to be drunk and forget it all. It started with the actual feeling of "I need to be buzzed and numb myself so the pain will go away" But as we all know, this does nothing to take away the pain, and in fact makes it worse. It's been a slow journey to where I am today.
I came to this site because I really want to stop what I'm doing. In the last year, each day has been a countdown to when am I going to have my first shot. I hate that I think constantly about my next drink. I'm so disgusted with myself for thinking this way; I don't have any other addictions to speak of but I can't get vodka out of my mind. I never thought I'd go down this road but here I am. And I need help. I have tried to keep this a secret but my fiance and daughter know something's up, and a few friends have expressed some concern. I've managed to not let it interfere with my work, but honestly there's been times I've wanted to start taking shots in the morning or early afternoon!
I'm sorry this is so long. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate this downward spiral I'm on. I feel like I don't recognize myself anymore. I really want to stop drinking vodka - as I type this I am contemplating my next drink. This is horrific...stop the merry-go-round...I want off!!
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Hi Kats, 
to SR. It sounds like you have had some rough times but also have a lot going for you as well. Many of us here understand what you are going through & by sharing, reading & helping each other (and ourselves) we can get through just about anything . There are also many programs out there (and people) that can help you through this.
Keep sharing & asking questions, we are all here for you
Take Care - NB
to SR. It sounds like you have had some rough times but also have a lot going for you as well. Many of us here understand what you are going through & by sharing, reading & helping each other (and ourselves) we can get through just about anything . There are also many programs out there (and people) that can help you through this. Keep sharing & asking questions, we are all here for you
Take Care - NB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 120
Thanks so much NewBeginning, I can't tell you how therapeutic it was just to get this off my chest. I'm going to be spending some time reading posts, and figuring out what I need to do to get past this. Thanks again! 
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
hi and welcome to SR Kat! are you seeking professional help for all the trauma you've suffered? a therapist or counselor perhaps? that would be one of the first places i would go. also, going to a family doctor would be a very good idea if you're looking at quitting cold turkey. it's the prudent thing to do. be open and honest. it may be embarrassing but your doctor probably already has a suspicion and will be happy for you. also, remember that you're not just looking at quitting drinking. you've got to take care of the entire problem which means your emotional health as well. you can't quit drinking and just ignore the emotional aspect that drove you there.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Welcome Kats. I'm sorry for all that you've been put through in your life. It is true, though - the thing we turn to for comfort ends up making us more anxious and miserable in the end. I became dependent on it at a young age - and in the end I was drinking 'round the clock. It was never fun, just a necessity because I'd shake without it. It stole my spirit and killed my joy.
It takes courage to do the soul searching that you're doing, and to arrive at such an important decision. Be proud of yourself for coming to this conclusion. We're so glad you've joined us - you'll never be alone.
It takes courage to do the soul searching that you're doing, and to arrive at such an important decision. Be proud of yourself for coming to this conclusion. We're so glad you've joined us - you'll never be alone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
Kats - your story shares many parallels to mine. I just want you to know that you are not alone in this fight...and you have found the right place to build your strength and take your life back.
Feel free to PM me if you like ... I do think our circumstances being so similar we can really help each other. I'm not a big expert, but I've got a few tools in my box I'd be happy to share
Welcome and you can do this!
Feel free to PM me if you like ... I do think our circumstances being so similar we can really help each other. I'm not a big expert, but I've got a few tools in my box I'd be happy to share
Welcome and you can do this!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Katsmeeyow -
I'm really glad you found this place, too. We're all here because we found, like you have, that we couldn't stop drinking on our own. I spent 3 solid days here in the beginning to counteract the cravings.
Be careful with detox and know that you can do this!
I'm really glad you found this place, too. We're all here because we found, like you have, that we couldn't stop drinking on our own. I spent 3 solid days here in the beginning to counteract the cravings.
Be careful with detox and know that you can do this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 120
Gosh, thank you so much to everyone, I felt so scared to post my story, especially my cravings which I have never admitted to anyone yet! I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the welcomes.
A few things I want to respond to:
to answer Displaced Grits: No I have never done counseling but I think I'm a prime candidate for it!! I've been kicking the idea around...I think I do need to talk to someone and fast. I agree, I need to come clean with my dr as well...I've been so ashamed. Thank you for validating this, it sounds funny but honestly I needed the validation. I thank you
to answer IwillWin- I will send you a PM, I am so thankful that someone understands.
This has been the first time I've been completely honest with anyone about my awful secret. I have always wanted to have and paint the picture of a "perfect life"...but deep down inside I know there is no such thing and I am the furtherest thing from it. I really want to stop this. I think I need some real professional help.
A few things I want to respond to:
to answer Displaced Grits: No I have never done counseling but I think I'm a prime candidate for it!! I've been kicking the idea around...I think I do need to talk to someone and fast. I agree, I need to come clean with my dr as well...I've been so ashamed. Thank you for validating this, it sounds funny but honestly I needed the validation. I thank you
to answer IwillWin- I will send you a PM, I am so thankful that someone understands.
This has been the first time I've been completely honest with anyone about my awful secret. I have always wanted to have and paint the picture of a "perfect life"...but deep down inside I know there is no such thing and I am the furtherest thing from it. I really want to stop this. I think I need some real professional help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Katsmeeyow 
I agree, I need to come clean with my dr as well...I've been so ashamed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 120
Thank you Sapling! I know there has to be many AA groups around me, I will start looking online. I have to admit though that I am scared to death of showing up in person. I don't know what it is... maybe I am just afraid to face my problem in person? Like, I mean in front of other people? I do know I have a hard time admitting my problems/issues. I still have this distorted idea that I need to present a perfect image to the rest of the world. It's crazy, and unrealistic, I know. I don't know where it comes from but I'm tired of being a slave to it.
Man...I really need help.
Man...I really need help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Welcome to the family! 
If you stop drinking now you never have to feel this way again. I've been happily sober for nearly three years and my life has never been better. All the best to you as you begin your sober journey.
If you stop drinking now you never have to feel this way again. I've been happily sober for nearly three years and my life has never been better. All the best to you as you begin your sober journey. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 120
Thank you so much to everyone for the welcomes and encouragement. Sapling, that AA site is great - I've been looking in my area and found a meeting this week. I just need to keep the courage to go. It helps so much to know that others are suffering with this as well (not that I want anyone to suffer, but I realize it's more common that I thought).
I also am seriously thinking of going to speak with a counselor about my past because I do feel it's a big gaping hole in my heart.
Lastly...I went online today to Amazon to check on an order I placed yesterday for some things. Suddenly I see an order that was placed Friday evening, by me, when I was completely drunk/blacked out. I completely forgot I placed this order and yesterday (I was sober) placed the exact same order. UGH! I'm in the process of canceling / request a refund on the first order I placed when I was drunk. Gosh, it's so embarrassing. Plus, my fiance definitely knows I was totally drunk Friday and he mentioned that he never even saw me drink anything...basically he knows I drank "in secret". (My daughter wasn't home thank goodness). I'm totally humiliated and had to admit to him that I did indeed drink all by myself in the room, placing an order on Amazon that I have no recollection of. I really want to make a change. I obviously have a problem.
I also am seriously thinking of going to speak with a counselor about my past because I do feel it's a big gaping hole in my heart.
Lastly...I went online today to Amazon to check on an order I placed yesterday for some things. Suddenly I see an order that was placed Friday evening, by me, when I was completely drunk/blacked out. I completely forgot I placed this order and yesterday (I was sober) placed the exact same order. UGH! I'm in the process of canceling / request a refund on the first order I placed when I was drunk. Gosh, it's so embarrassing. Plus, my fiance definitely knows I was totally drunk Friday and he mentioned that he never even saw me drink anything...basically he knows I drank "in secret". (My daughter wasn't home thank goodness). I'm totally humiliated and had to admit to him that I did indeed drink all by myself in the room, placing an order on Amazon that I have no recollection of. I really want to make a change. I obviously have a problem.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Hi Kat
Just wanted to say welcome and hi!
I personally know what it feels like to be externally, a success, but internally a mess. Be it through your own doings or no fault of your own.
But I gradually found that the external success I was (job, career, car money) meant nothing as I could barely spend anytime out of the house as drinking made me a gibbering, nervous wreck.
I hated leaving the house, my work suffered, I was in no fit state to drive my car and my finances struggled too.
Could you confide in your parents if they are in recovery.
Their addiction must have been devastating..did it go on for long, did they tell you what had happened?
You deserve so much better than this
xxxx
Just wanted to say welcome and hi!
I personally know what it feels like to be externally, a success, but internally a mess. Be it through your own doings or no fault of your own.
But I gradually found that the external success I was (job, career, car money) meant nothing as I could barely spend anytime out of the house as drinking made me a gibbering, nervous wreck.
I hated leaving the house, my work suffered, I was in no fit state to drive my car and my finances struggled too.
Could you confide in your parents if they are in recovery.
Their addiction must have been devastating..did it go on for long, did they tell you what had happened?
You deserve so much better than this
xxxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
Sorry about your self medication fix with alcoholic. I can understand that feeling. Have you ever thought about seeing a doctor for anti-depression pill? A lot of people here takes it and it helps a lot. They would general know what to give you. My even tell you to see a drug/alcohol counsel. Good luck and welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Katsmeeyow
I just need to keep the courage to go.
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