Mizzuno

There I was, entertaining the idea to drink. A unexpected situation came up and my first instinct was to go down to the store and buy a bottle. I know the outcome. I know the pitfall in thinking this way. I know. I didnt care that i admitted to Alcohol being a problem in my life. I didnt care about the last time that i drank. I thought of it all. I still didnt care. Who the f*** cares!
When I got to the store..... I looked at the bottle. I thought about it. I bought what i needed and I left. I didnt buy wine or anything that had alcohol in it. These thoughts will come and go. These urges will have their own life within mine. It is what i do with the thoughts that matter. It is how I deal with life that matters.
This is the first time that i have felt the desire to drink in 46 days.
I am safe at home. I am not drinking and i wont today. I have come this far and I can make it through this night. I can do this damn it.
Learning or relearning or training myself to live a life free from alcohol is a hard task. This road...... What I wouldn't give for a little escape.
I am not a normal drinker. I am not a normal drinker. I am not. I am really not liking this. Ride the wave Mizzuno.

Dee74

I faced a moment like that one too Mizzuno...it was a real turning point for me in my journey

Congratultions

D

KaeHot323

Oh what a great moment for you Mizzuno! I have felt some cravings today too in my 43 days. It was so close, but I got through it. We are all in this together. Proud of you!

Anna

I think you will find that facing those moments are what will make you stronger. You learn each time, and will be more prepared and eventually those moments will disappear from your life.

Mizzuno

@Dee
How? Will you please share how it was a turning point? I am feeling a little overwhelmed with my thoughts and my f*** it attitude. I hope I am not on a cliff here. Why am I not feeling good about this? I know the post states some kind of accomplishment. It doesnt feel that way though.

Toss

Your decision was awesome! I have had periods of two years sober, then 14 months sober.

I gave in New Year's Eve 2011 - and have been drinking every night since.

I have had so many f'ing internal discussions - don't do it, eat heathy, get strong.

If I had one wish, and it had to be just for myself, it would be that if I drank alcohol, it would make me violently sick, then I would quit. But it calms me, gives me comfort, and I hate it.

Sorry to wander, but keep going, I hope you can grow an ounce stronger ever day. I've done this so long and I'm tired. I have a solid job, love my family, hate myself.

Even if you don't know it, you did better than alot of people today.

Toss

Mizzuno

@Toss,
Thank You! I need some solid reminders. Im not doing it.

Milkdud

This is my first post and first day sober. The self talk and struggle I hear everyone dealing with is real and validates the inner voice I hear and thatbi have let take over control.
New day, new start.

Mizzuno

@Milkdud
Congrats on day 1. Awesome. It can be a struggle ya know? Im riding the wave and knowing that if i give in I probably wont return. My life as a lush is one that i no longer want to live. I am worth so much more. I know this. If i can do it so can you Milkdud! Seriously. Thank you for posting. We are all here for you. When you are ready please tell us more about yourself in a thread.

Dee74

It was a turning point for me because it was the first time I consciously accepted drinking was not the answer to my problems...and more than that, it was the first time I had faith in myself that I'd find another non alcoholic solution.

I think it might have even been the first time I knew I wasn't going back anymore

I can see what you're worried about tho.

A lot of people seem to think that thinking of drinking is itself a failure.
I don't agree with that Mizzuno.

I think it's natural in early recovery for someone who's drank for years to instinctively think of drink in times of trouble.

The achievement is...you faced the thought...and you went another way.

To me that really is a milestone - not something to beat yourself up over at all

But...if this has rattled you and you're worried about your recovery - I can understand that...

but you already know what to do - find more support...safeguard that recovery...work for it and treasure it

D

Dee74

Welcome to you Milkdud

Good to have you here - feel free to start your own thread and share your own story too

D

ZeppelinFan

I am also 46 days sober and I can totally relate! I hate the cravings & thought that we can drink like other people. The thing that makes me realize that I am not like everyone else is every time I think I can just have 1 or 2 like normal drinkers the immediate following thought is what the hell is 1 or 2 going to do for me. I want 6 or 8!... and that is where the problem is and then I remember I need to stay away from it! You never know when unexpected situations are going to make you have the thought to drink and that is what stinks about it!

Mizzuno

@Dee
Thank you! I get it. I feel better now that i posted and that i have had time to think. Your response says a lot. Your right. I did find another way to deal and that is a wonderful thing. It is a turning point. Yes, i did feel rattled. I believe that i have to acknowledge the fact that i did not drink. I shouldnt dwell on the fact that i was thinking of it. Once again, THANK YOU!

Toss

Although I have failed for the umpteenth time, it really is day by day. The self loathing, the doubt, the self pity and hatred, it is one packed bomb.

I will eventually get sober - and it scares me. But I do know now that in 50 years, I will say to myself, "how about a few for good times?" And the Pandoria's box will open and it will start again.

Mizzuno, don't be like me. Everyday you go, the stronger you get. Problem is, you think you can go back and handle it - but you can't. Even if you could, that is the mindset. Unfortunately, I can atest that.

Thanks for letting me throttle myself and press you to succeed, from my failure.

Toss

Mizzuno

Toss,
I appreciate your words. I have watched my drinking progress into a monster. I know that reaching for a glass of wine will lead me into a dark hole that will close in on itself and I will never see the light of day again. I will never see myself whole and healthy if i were to pick up. The struggle was just a struggle. I wrestled with myself and then I walked away. I needed to post here and get some support. I needed dinner. I am better and the awesome part is that i am sober.
I am sorry that you are struggling. I hear that you want to quit. Do you have a plan?

IndaMiricale

Very nice..

It is so hard sometimes.. Good for you on your result. Way to win the round..

8thPhoenix

I'm right there with you. I would love to taste it again. But thanks for being strong; you're not only helping yourself, but you're also helping me, and everyone else with your strength!

You kick ass. *big hugs*

Dee74

Welcome back to you too Toss

D

Toss

My plan, I have no plan. My previous limited plan was two weeks. If I could stop drinking for two weeks, the phyical part would recover. Secret is, it's the mental part last a lifetime.

I have a great wife, two great kids, a job that I have maintained flawlessly for 25 years. Fact is, I should be loving life. But we are in debt, and drinking is my lover.

If you met me at a conference, the weekly soccer game, or at a Cub Scout meeting, you would not know.

Sorry for hijacking your thread. This is the first time back in several months, that is progress I assume.

Toss

Mizzuno

As i sit here, outside, on this cool September night. I am thankful for my sobriety and the support that i have received. I was not mentally or emotionally sober today. I have got some work to do people. For now, i am content with the baby steps. The beat goes on.