Anna

Yogachic, one of my biggest problems was that I didn't like being alone with myself and had no idea what to do. My drinking was alone, to pass the evening, at least for awhile. But, it became a vicious circle because I hated being alone, drank to get through that, and then feared being alone and bored even more. Before long, I couldn't get through a single evening without drinking.

You are the person who needs to decide if you need to stop drinking or not and if alcohol is a problem in your life.

yogachic

Yeah. About 3 yrs ago some crazy family news came to surface and it shook me up pretty badly. I lost the desire to do anything that took me away from being absolutely clear headed, for about 4 months. Then some friends from overseas came to stay with us for a few months and I started having wine with them, etc and just continued after they left. It didn't bother me to not have it around. It seems to be more of a go-to thing when I'm bored or lonely.


The further into thinking I go with this is that I don't feel like my amount of alcohol or number of times per month would increase, but if I'm honest about this - I drink when bored or lonely or anxious, that's it.
So I need to find other ways of coping with those feelings. I feel healthier and get more accomplished when not drinking. I want to do more with my wknds than drink. So, I'm going to take a month away from drinking and make some changes to my routine. Maybe go to a few AA meetings to see what they are about, start going to the gym on wknd nights instead of sitting at home getting drunk alone. I'm sure that alcohol doesn't add anything cool to my life, that is one thing I already know. I've got nothing to lose by giving it up for a while at least, if not for good.

I came here b'c I had the thought that "what if I cannot give it up?" But, truth is that I've done it before, consciously and not trying... so, I know I'll give it up if I really want to. Which I do really want to now.

Sapling

Try it for a month...Check out some meetings...They can't hurt you....If you like how you feel....Keep doing what you're doing....One thing I know about myself.....I drank a lot of years....And until I was ready and willing to do it....Committ myself to it...I didn't even bother trying.

yogachic

I've been reading daily here and other online sources. Reading mostly about alcoholism. As I read, I kept feeling a disconnect though. I don't connect with the habits and hangovers and patterns that most of the alcoholic information give.

As I read I kept finding a bigger and much deeper connection with information on codependency. I had no idea that I was/am behaving in a very codependent way.

Raised in an alcoholic home, being ignored a lot and all of the lines about acting like everything was OK when it wasn't, constant inner anxiety while trying to go on with school and life as if that were normal. And truly thinking that it is normal, until you start seeing how truly normal homes and families are, then the embarrassment and self consciousness starts eating away at your self esteem. Anyway, I still have a ton to read... but this is all starting to make much more sense for me.

My 16 year relationship is with someone who has highly extreme alcohol habits. Years ago, I got bored by it and tried to skip the bar scene but ended up home alone and bored... that's when I started having drinks at home just to chill my lonliness and anxiety about him out driving while drinking, etc.

Just wanted to check in and update a little. I do have a problem with drinking too much now. But, I think working on my codependency issues/habits is helping me put all of the pieces together and when I think of things from this new perspective and with more clarity - I don't feel any urge to drink. The urge has been to start some new projects and learn some new computer programs for work/projects. I'm pretty excited about it all.

That said, I'm not happy about finding such ties to codependent behavior. Much of what I read is not who I want to be, but it does fit perfectly who I have been for many years. So, I'm reading and making some big changes.

Thank you all for sharing your stories!
If I hadn't been welcomed and started reading several of your stories, I wouldn't have found information about codependency (or at least not right now). Any links to "best of" threads about codependency and how to stop being codependent, etc. would be super appreciated too!

IndaMiricale

I am so glad you came back and gave a update..

Well its good to see your working on yourself, keep going forward only good things can happen..

yogachic

Yeah! It's felt like ten old layers have fallen from my true self this whole week. It's been so awakening and it's exciting b'c I know that I've only just begun to discover who and what I am underneath all of those ugly coping mechanisms that I've piled on since childhood. I have no blame in my heart and that part feels most interesting. My parents did the best they could and my X did the best he knew to do as well.

So, it all comes down to me and figuring out who I am, and what I want to be able to offer others in my future. I find it so interesting how 2 things can be SO deeply connected and it took me this many years to find the links. I'm kind of amazed. And I feel so grateful and even lucky to have been brought to the information I've found this week.

Thx for your encouragement! I wish you the best too!

Anna

Wonderful to hear you had an 'aha' moment.

I became addicted to alcohol in my midforties. Before that, I didn't drink, but I had very controlling behaviour and I didn't understand it. Finally, after beginning recovery, I realized that my addiction was, at least partly due, to my codependence. I wasn't codependent to another addict, but I was codependent to the point where I lost myself in the relationship.

I'm glad you're doing well.

yogachic

Anna, thx! I'm glad to have discovered this and I know that there is a lot of work to do. It feels that now, with the power of clarity into the reasons behind my inner anxiety, constant deep-seated fear of abandonment and the resulting over drinking, can now be addressed and I'll get somewhere with it all. Before, it always felt like yeah, I can not drink this weekend, but then I'll feel just as miserable being anxious and lonely if I stay home. And if I go out, I'll have a few drinks then come home and still not want to feel alone, so I'll drink more to calm that anxiety... round and round I'd go. Something about the news that drinking for me stems from deeper place, a behavior that I can change and feel inner peace finally, gives me courage and I know that if I keep reading and learning, I'll probably continue this feeling of not wanting to drink. Drinking always felt like a symptom for me. There is no way to know where my drinking path could have led me... but I'm happy to see an exit right now.

Are there any parts of this site that you could recommend for working on codependency? Or books or other sources you've felt helped you understand it the most?

I see that you're an administrator for SR. Thank you for keeping this site together - it helps people so much. Glad you're doing so well in your journey too

blackstar

I had the same question/concern as you when I first joined this site and started going to AA meetings. Like you, I never drank when I had commitments the next day, but when I started to drink on weekends it was hard for me to stop. I knew that I was a problem drinker but wasn't sure if I was a true "alcoholic." I realized through going to meetings and reading forums/talking with others that labels shouldn't matter with recovery. If alcohol is causing you any problems and/or you have a desire to quit drinking but can't, you should be taking steps to help yourself.

I often feel out of place at AA meetings because I don't see myself as a "true" alcoholic, but I know that I am a problem drinker and I can't drink in a healthy, moderate way so I feel like I can benefit from being around a bunch of recovering sober people than out at a bar or with people who will influence me to drink.

Good luck and worry about your health not labels!