Is my husband really an alcoholic?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
Posts: 3
Is my husband really an alcoholic?
I feel really blind and blind-sided. After an extremely hard year I started attending counseling. After my husband drank over a 5th of whiskey and who know what else within 2 hours the day before our son's graduation open house, I asked him to start counseling.
His counselor told him he is an alcoholic. Yesterday we started going together, she told me he was an alcoholic and then said I was in denial when I said I didnt understand.
My husband drinks, I have only seen him actually drunk a handful of times, in 2 years, but it is very bad when it happens but he isnt aggressive. I have always associated alcoholics with abusive and excessive drinkers, like my grand father.
She then told me I was co-dependent, I wasnt even certain what that means. I am certain that I hate titles, ugh. After looking up some info on it, it sure seems to describe my relationship. From my perspective, my husband had a drink every night to "unwind". Yesterday he confided that he was drinking up to a pint nightly and hiding it from me.
She also brought up the term late stage drinker, what is that? What stage is my husband if he is an alcoholic? That seems like an awfully big title to throw on someone right before you tell them their time is up...
I feel lost, confused and scared. Am I in denial? How could I have been so blind? Is this really an alcoholic? He hasnt had a drink since June and seems more isolated and withdrawn then before. Why is that? What is next?
His counselor told him he is an alcoholic. Yesterday we started going together, she told me he was an alcoholic and then said I was in denial when I said I didnt understand.
My husband drinks, I have only seen him actually drunk a handful of times, in 2 years, but it is very bad when it happens but he isnt aggressive. I have always associated alcoholics with abusive and excessive drinkers, like my grand father.
She then told me I was co-dependent, I wasnt even certain what that means. I am certain that I hate titles, ugh. After looking up some info on it, it sure seems to describe my relationship. From my perspective, my husband had a drink every night to "unwind". Yesterday he confided that he was drinking up to a pint nightly and hiding it from me.
She also brought up the term late stage drinker, what is that? What stage is my husband if he is an alcoholic? That seems like an awfully big title to throw on someone right before you tell them their time is up...
I feel lost, confused and scared. Am I in denial? How could I have been so blind? Is this really an alcoholic? He hasnt had a drink since June and seems more isolated and withdrawn then before. Why is that? What is next?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
ThisGirl,
Did your husband attend counseling with this counselor, prior to your attending together? If so, it is possible he has discussed his fears of being alcoholic with her. He has admitted to hiding the amount of drink he was consuming. I don't think all alcoholics are abusive. It sounds like the two of you are talking honestly with each other - a good thing. I'm sure others with more experience will post as to your stages question. Try not to be afraid.....he is not drinking and you are in counseling together.....steps in the right direction.
Did your husband attend counseling with this counselor, prior to your attending together? If so, it is possible he has discussed his fears of being alcoholic with her. He has admitted to hiding the amount of drink he was consuming. I don't think all alcoholics are abusive. It sounds like the two of you are talking honestly with each other - a good thing. I'm sure others with more experience will post as to your stages question. Try not to be afraid.....he is not drinking and you are in counseling together.....steps in the right direction.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome to the forum, ThisGirl -
First of all, good for you for reaching out for support..... You asked about denial and I think any person here would tell you that's it's not only common (for the alcoholic especially, but the family as well) - it's really a part of any addiction.
It's a coping mechanism in a way - it downplays the problem, making it seem not so bad. As an alcoholic myself, I always thought "Yeah, I drink too much but next time will be different" or "I'm doing OK - I'm not as bad as so-and-so."
Only a really small percentage of alcoholics match the stereotype (homeless, drinking 24/7). It doesn't really matter how much or how often we drink.... it's more about our relationship with alcohol and the craving/compulsion we have to keep drinking once we start.
Have you thought about looking into Al-Anon? There's also a section for Family and Friends of Alcoholics on our forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I think it's great that you're asking questions....
First of all, good for you for reaching out for support..... You asked about denial and I think any person here would tell you that's it's not only common (for the alcoholic especially, but the family as well) - it's really a part of any addiction.
It's a coping mechanism in a way - it downplays the problem, making it seem not so bad. As an alcoholic myself, I always thought "Yeah, I drink too much but next time will be different" or "I'm doing OK - I'm not as bad as so-and-so."
Only a really small percentage of alcoholics match the stereotype (homeless, drinking 24/7). It doesn't really matter how much or how often we drink.... it's more about our relationship with alcohol and the craving/compulsion we have to keep drinking once we start.
Have you thought about looking into Al-Anon? There's also a section for Family and Friends of Alcoholics on our forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I think it's great that you're asking questions....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
She really hit you with both barrels...
Alcoholism affects everyone, not just the drinker, sadly. You are not crazy and it isn't your fault he is an alcoholic.
Take a deep breath, get your head around it and begin this journey of recovery, no matter where it leads, with him or without.
You can do this.
Alcoholism affects everyone, not just the drinker, sadly. You are not crazy and it isn't your fault he is an alcoholic.
Take a deep breath, get your head around it and begin this journey of recovery, no matter where it leads, with him or without.
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 108
Tough question
I can see your obvious love and concern for him. In my way of thinking, though, what everybody else thinks is secondary to what he thinks he is. If he thinks he is not, he is probably not going to change anything, so everybody else's diagnosis is like speculating on a referee's call in a football game. The call on the field by the referee is all that counts in the game.
If he sees a problem and does not like it, then he will change. That then might validate what you and others might think. My heart goes out to you being in the passenger's seat, so to speak. Don't give up though!
If he sees a problem and does not like it, then he will change. That then might validate what you and others might think. My heart goes out to you being in the passenger's seat, so to speak. Don't give up though!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
Wow, so sorry you were hit with so much so quickly. The counselor should have explained everything in much more detail. I agree with Mark about looking up "late stage", then you can decide for yourself.
Here are my thoughts, ignoring what the counselor said and looking at facts you have. I'm no expert, just an alcoholic who hid that fact from everyone she knew, including her partner, until it was too much to take and I needed help.
1. A normal drinker would need an ambulance after drinking a fifth in two hours. That's a lot of alcohol. You didn't say much else about that so maybe he did go to the ER?
2. Normal drinkers don't hide what they drink and how much. A pint every day is the same, more than, a bottle of wine. I could do the math but it's too early :-) He could be drinking more than that.
3. How do you know he hasn't had a drink since June?
4. It's not your fault. I can't tell you if you're in denial or if you're co-dependant or not. But I can tell you it's not your fault. And you can't fix it. You can be encouraging and supportive but he has to want to quit drinking. However, you have a right to complete honesty and I am only guessing when I say that there's more to his story...
Check out Al-Anon. The groups can really help explain what's going on and share how they've navigated the waters. I also wonder if your husband would be open to more formal treatment? A substance abuse counselor? AA?
Best of luck! Check out the Family and Friends forum on this site, too!
Here are my thoughts, ignoring what the counselor said and looking at facts you have. I'm no expert, just an alcoholic who hid that fact from everyone she knew, including her partner, until it was too much to take and I needed help.
1. A normal drinker would need an ambulance after drinking a fifth in two hours. That's a lot of alcohol. You didn't say much else about that so maybe he did go to the ER?
2. Normal drinkers don't hide what they drink and how much. A pint every day is the same, more than, a bottle of wine. I could do the math but it's too early :-) He could be drinking more than that.
3. How do you know he hasn't had a drink since June?
4. It's not your fault. I can't tell you if you're in denial or if you're co-dependant or not. But I can tell you it's not your fault. And you can't fix it. You can be encouraging and supportive but he has to want to quit drinking. However, you have a right to complete honesty and I am only guessing when I say that there's more to his story...
Check out Al-Anon. The groups can really help explain what's going on and share how they've navigated the waters. I also wonder if your husband would be open to more formal treatment? A substance abuse counselor? AA?
Best of luck! Check out the Family and Friends forum on this site, too!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
Posts: 3
What a crazy week. Yesterday was the worst that I have had to face in a long time. Too much, too soon.
Pondlady, yes he had gone to this counselor alone before she suggested we come together. And he told me she suggested to him that he was an alcoholic. I brushed it off, as in she applied a label to make it easier to treat him or to have someone else treat him. It did make me start taking a look at it, him as well.
And silly - there is more to the story. My graduating son was with him. He fell over in a rock pile on the way home because he couldnt figure out which way to go, he puked in my flower bed, fell off a chair in front of my son and his best friend. When I woke up at 5 am because he was laying on me and wouldnt wake up I became angry. He finally roused enough to take off his shoes, which took him 10 mins. I could see in his eyes that he wasnt there, not even barely. And if my anger hadn't clouding my vision or if I had been even slightly aware that my husband had a "problem" with drinking I would have taken him to the ER. In hindsight, he is lucky to still be here.
Yesterday I came to the conclusion that it doesnt matter if he admits to being an alcoholic or not. He is not the only one that is sick. My grandfather was an alcoholic, his father, his grandmother and my father was in prison 2xs, he was the largest drug importer in Southern California and had a massive addiction that caused a life of secrecy and pain. I thought I had dealt enough with my past and then I had cut my family out for 6 years. I have started opening up to my family again. My father was treated for bladder cancer last winter. When I went to see them I found that my Aunt is Agoraphobic and has panic disorder, from what I can see now she also is codependent to an extreme. My oldest sister is a hoarder, to a extreme. My brother a compulsive liar, my other sister divorced after 30 years and cant get a job, she has never had one.
This summer I found out that my mother has lung cancer, yesterday I found out that it has doubled in size over 3 weeks and has begun to spread rapidly through other lung. She is too sick with heart issues, diabetes and kidney problems, I am certain that she isnt going to make it and that it will be sooner than later.
So all that withstanding, my husband may or may not be an alcoholic and at this point does it really matter? I need help and I am going to get it. I want better for my kids, for myself, for my partner.
I am going to Al Anon today at noon. And reading Melody Beattie's book before going to see my counselor at 5.
God help me, I used to be sooo strong.
Pondlady, yes he had gone to this counselor alone before she suggested we come together. And he told me she suggested to him that he was an alcoholic. I brushed it off, as in she applied a label to make it easier to treat him or to have someone else treat him. It did make me start taking a look at it, him as well.
And silly - there is more to the story. My graduating son was with him. He fell over in a rock pile on the way home because he couldnt figure out which way to go, he puked in my flower bed, fell off a chair in front of my son and his best friend. When I woke up at 5 am because he was laying on me and wouldnt wake up I became angry. He finally roused enough to take off his shoes, which took him 10 mins. I could see in his eyes that he wasnt there, not even barely. And if my anger hadn't clouding my vision or if I had been even slightly aware that my husband had a "problem" with drinking I would have taken him to the ER. In hindsight, he is lucky to still be here.
Yesterday I came to the conclusion that it doesnt matter if he admits to being an alcoholic or not. He is not the only one that is sick. My grandfather was an alcoholic, his father, his grandmother and my father was in prison 2xs, he was the largest drug importer in Southern California and had a massive addiction that caused a life of secrecy and pain. I thought I had dealt enough with my past and then I had cut my family out for 6 years. I have started opening up to my family again. My father was treated for bladder cancer last winter. When I went to see them I found that my Aunt is Agoraphobic and has panic disorder, from what I can see now she also is codependent to an extreme. My oldest sister is a hoarder, to a extreme. My brother a compulsive liar, my other sister divorced after 30 years and cant get a job, she has never had one.
This summer I found out that my mother has lung cancer, yesterday I found out that it has doubled in size over 3 weeks and has begun to spread rapidly through other lung. She is too sick with heart issues, diabetes and kidney problems, I am certain that she isnt going to make it and that it will be sooner than later.
So all that withstanding, my husband may or may not be an alcoholic and at this point does it really matter? I need help and I am going to get it. I want better for my kids, for myself, for my partner.
I am going to Al Anon today at noon. And reading Melody Beattie's book before going to see my counselor at 5.
God help me, I used to be sooo strong.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 540
Thisgirl, you sare still strong! I cant believe all you have been through and are going through. I think you'll get really good advice from people in your situation. I'm an alcoholic in recovery and haven't been in your situation, I just wanted to offer support and love. I hope Al anon helps you. Stay strong.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Alanon is the way to go. Get a sponsor who can help you understand some of the dynamics of alcohol in a relationship. It is essential that you take care of you.
One thing that is not going to happen is you are not going to fix your husband. He is not a bad person but he has a bad disease only he can fix.
Concentrate on fixing yourself and remember to live a day at a time. You have some big problems but all you can do is deal with them today. Tomorrow will bring what tomorrow will bring and with the help of God things will work out.
One thing that is not going to happen is you are not going to fix your husband. He is not a bad person but he has a bad disease only he can fix.
Concentrate on fixing yourself and remember to live a day at a time. You have some big problems but all you can do is deal with them today. Tomorrow will bring what tomorrow will bring and with the help of God things will work out.
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