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Toxic relationships a pattern for me

Old 09-18-2012, 10:48 AM
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Toxic relationships a pattern for me

I want to quit drinking for myself, but also in the hopes g/f and I can reconcile.. the problem is that she is an alcoholic and deeply in denial. I havent been living with her but have been going there on a fairly daily basis cause all my stuff is there and I go to see cat drop off cat food etc. She use to drink beer but now when I see her she is drinking vodka. She works at night and gets out at 3:30 AM. When I get to her @ 8 AM shes still up drinking. I never know if she is happy drunk or in angry drunk mode. Sat. we were supposed to go to a church yard sale I woke up early walked there only to find her smashed. I know we shouldnt be together but I am just as addicted to her as I am booze. I miss her we were almost always together. WE were both unemployed for awhile so we were together 24 7. then we worked together again 24 7. We both have jobs but I get out earlier so I would hang with her. I feel so lonely and bored. Im lost without her. My relationship with g/f is as toxic as booze is and I keep running back to both. Am I just crazy?
I dont really want to drink, but I dont know what to do with myself. I woke up very depressed, but roomie said we should hang but she got called into work. Then I was gonna walk on the beach or maybe take a bike ride to get some exercise, But of course it is now raining so I am just sitting here
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Old 09-18-2012, 10:57 AM
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It was after I quit drinking and my SO refused to that I realized what a f'd up relationship I had been in all this time. He is no longer my SO, is still drinking daily to excess and doesn't understand why I won't give us another chance.

It can be very depressing. It can be very lonely. And little by little, as you discover who you are outside of a toxic relationship, you will start to feel better. Some people feel better instantly, it's taken a while for me. But toxic is no good, no matter how you look at it.
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Old 09-18-2012, 11:03 AM
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I'm not sure you're going to find the answer if you're with her every single day and not giving yourself a chance to be alone. If you give yourself some space, learn how to enjoy time for yourself, it might become more clear what you really want. The truth is you're NOT lost without her. It may feel that way but it's not true. You managed before you met her, right? :-)
Can you try attending some AA meetings when you're bored with nothing to do? You might meet some very cool sober people there who you can call and do things with when your gf is at work or when your gf is drunk.

Good luck, Change! We all know none of this is easy.
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Old 09-18-2012, 11:11 AM
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She had me arrested and for something we were both at fault for but not in her mind and I went running back. I spent 22 days in jail she picked me up so I thought we might be ok, but she sent me off packing. I should be focusing on me only, but now I find myself chasing an unhealthy relationship on so many levels. when I go to visit I do the dishes cook for her etc.. Some days she loves me other days she hates me again. I leave with my head down and tail between my legs so depressed. Then I sit waiting for the phone to ring in hoping the drunk she has on is the nice Pat or better yet hoping she is sober but I havent seen her sober in at least 2 weeks and I heard she was drinking in excess the whole time I was gone. I have to break away from her and I know this. Im not even sure I miss her cause I love her or if it is my drinking buddy I miss. I am pretty confused
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Old 09-18-2012, 11:17 AM
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Actually silly I didnt manage all that well before I met her. Even with all the drinking she has helped me come a long way in terms of drug usage and learning to like myself and treat myself better. Its the past year 1/2 that the dynamics of relationship changed. it didnt help that her son was killed. we both lost it, shes never been the same. The death of her son is one of the reasons we clung to each other so much. We miss him so much her family is in another state each other was all we had and we held tight. I kept encouraging grief counseling, but we never went. I encouraged AA, but she thinks she doesnt need it and that I am the only one with a problem.
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Old 09-18-2012, 11:18 AM
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Dear Change4life,

you don't sound very fulfilled and I am sorry about that.

Until we know what we want for ourselves, we can't move on. It is the hardest thing in the world to think of ourselves first, but if we all did that, we would all know what we want/can do and therefore would attract/find like minded people to be around/love...

Hope that makes sense ;>
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Old 09-18-2012, 11:25 AM
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She taught you how to treat yourself better but she treats you like crap? It doesn't sound like you're treating yourself very well right now, Change... I realize you've gone through some terrible times together but that doesn't give her a license to beat you down. And that doesn't negate your right to stand up for yourself.

How about if you encourage AA for yourself? You know you can't change her. We can't change anyone. We have to get sober for ourselves. What if you wait around waiting for her to be ready and that day never comes? Does that mean your sober day never comes either? That's not being very fair to yourself. It's down right scary.

We're here for you, Change!
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Old 09-18-2012, 11:48 AM
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I just took a shower and was thinking about dependency, unhealthy relationships, resentment and such and I think I really need to work on staying away from her. If I do need to see her keep it brief become more self sufficient and I also think I should stop running to her when she needs someone. At this point she is preventing me from focusing on sobriety and I by taking care of her when she is drunk I am enabling her. I have to stop worrying whether or not she eats, or the house is clean. I do have to provide cat stuff but I dont need to shop for both of us. Shes been taking a ride on my food stamp card. I will cook the food already in freezer for both of us cause it makes my life easier. After that she is on her own. Im getting it that we both have to learn to take care of ourselves seperate from each other. I better do what I am saying or I am weaker than I think. 2 3/4 hours and counting till meeting
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