Rubysoho

Hi guys. I was wondering whether you would be able to help. I’m 27 and a half days sober. Hope to make day 28, but I’m not hopeful that I’ll reach the month mark. The thing is for the last week and a half or so I’ve become really depressed and have been thinking about whether the whole thing is worth it. I’m regularly attending AA meetings and have a sponsor and am currently doing step 1.
I’m back at work after a 2 week detox and I’m struggling to cope. I can get up and physically get to work, but the smallest things set me off and I am getting very angry. I’m worried that I’m going to snap while I’m at work. Also, part of my job involves events, which includes things like ordering alcohol and attending events that have free alcohol. I’ve spoken to my boss who has sympathised but neither of us can think of a good solution to this issue. Also because I’m also addicted to painkillers I’ve found small things like having a headache a huge deal. This is unfortunate because I’m getting a lot of stress headaches. Normal painkillers in a normal dose don’t do anything for me, because I’ve been abusing codeine for so long.
I’m just feeling overwhelmed and I’m worried about relapsing. I don’t want to go on anti-depressants, because in my mind, I’ll just be taking another drug to change the way I feel. Also I have a habit of abusing prescription medication, so it isn’t a good idea.
I live in the UK, is there anything that I can do. Do you think getting signed off for work will help, or will just prolong my return to normality?
I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve taken a step back in my recovery. If anyone can help I’ll be very grateful.
Thanks!

Klia

*Just my experience, not medical advice.

Anti-depressants don't change the way you feel. Not for me, at least, and I've been on almost every anti-depressant and mood-stablizer on the market. They don't make you 'high or feel good'. They help with your serotonin levels and/or dopamine levels that sometimes our brains don't produce enough of. Maybe you can go see a doctor and give it a try. Good luck!

Rubysoho

Thanks Klia. I've been on anti-depressants before, but while I was drinking heavily, so maybe that's why I didn't see the benefit. I'll speak to the doctor about my options. And my stupid brain keeps reminding me that there's a really easy way to feel good again, stupid brain!!
Thanks for the advice!

nonblondechef

Rubysoho your accomplishments in 28 days is fantastic. That annoying voice in your head, fondly or not so fondly actually, referred to as the "beast" is working your last nerve and loving it. The beast hates that you have been ignoring it's wants and needs and is making sure you are well aware of it. Shut the beast down. Do not listen to the idle chatter. Use your reasoning ability and see that you will be at a month clean and sober in just a few hours. You are restoring managability to your life minute by minute. No one will force drinks on you. If you must socialize at functions, there are many liquid options to carry around in a glass that will keep you functioning soberly and no one will be the wiser that your soda and lime is missing any alcohol. It does take a bit of effort on your part, but only you can bend your elbow, open your mouth and swallow. Rationalize your recovery and how far you've come since you entered detox. Keep going to meetings and put into practice the skills you are now equipped with. When I got serious about stopping this incesant illness, I quit making excuses and got busy appreciating that I never had to feel like crap again if I chose to. And trust me, I choose to everyday that ends in "y". I'm rooting for you Ruby - you can do this NBC

bluegem

well done on your achievements so far... 27 days is great! ... and it sounds like you've done it whilst also working a stressful job .. .

what would you do with your day if you were signed off? When I was first signed off I found I had alot of time to sit and wallow and drink of course and then I found it so hard to go back to work i lost my job in the end... I know that it's just my experience but for me it didn't work... i honestly think i would have been better off working through my illness...

xxx

bbthumper

My suggsestion would be to trust the program. You sound like you've got a million thoughts and worries racing through your head. Just trust that what the program suggests will work and then do it.
How long you want to stay on Step One? The relief is going to come from the action which follows step one. My personal opinion is if you have an understanding of what powerless is and you believe yourself to be so, then you should waste no time in working the other steps. Momentum is key. The second you start letting up on your program of action you'll run into trouble. We get free through the process of the 12 steps. Free from much much more than alcohol. Best wishes to you.

soulgypsy

You can do this. You can. You have made it 27 days and you can make 27 more, then 27 more, then more. You have not taken a step back if you have not taken a drink. This is all forward momentum--even the tough stuff!

Do NOT give up on yourself,Ruby--you hear me?

I would make and appointment and tell your doctor exactly what you are going through and see if he or she has any suggestions. I would also suggest eating as absolutely healthfully as you possibly can. Read the article on Alcoholism and nutrition suggested by Sugarbear--there's some great info there.

I think depression and anxiety during new sobriety seems to be normal for most people--and know that if you do take that drink, you will feel even worse after the effects of the alcohol wear off.

Stay strong. Be fierce! Have faith

Rubysoho

Thanks everyone for the encouragement and suggestions!!
I will defo keep in recovery. I said to my sponsor last night that I think I'm only in the programme to make other people happy, she said if that's all I have at the moment, then it's good enough. Going through the step 1 questions is really making me see how out of control I was. bbthumper, you are right that I should really get a move on with the steps if I want to make real progress in the programme, I've only been attending meetings so far, and not doing service or much fellowship. But the idea that I just have to kind of stick at it and get through this depression is driving me mad.
I'm learning more about the psychological side of addiction, which has explained a lot of things. Like getting physical withdrawal symptoms just before a meeting, is my brain telling me not to go. It's quite scary how powerful my addiction is. Nonblondechef, I see what you mean about the 'beast'. And some days I don't think I have enough fight in me. Today is one of those days. I like what you say though soulgypsy about if i can do 27, i can do another 27. I could do it. It's scary but I know I could if I put my mind to it.
Bluegem I think if I was signed off I would try and concentrate on building back up my physical health, and working more on the programme. But I guess I would get more anxious the more I was out of the office. Although it's hard, at least I'm trapped in work so I can't drink! And I'm lucky to have my job, I have an understanding boss.
Thanks everyone for the encouragement, its really useful on a wobbly day like today!

hypochondriac

It's great that you have an understanding boss Ruby, that'll make all the difference. I have spoken to a colleague a lot recently about taking time off for stress (hers not mine) and she decided against it because, having taken time out in the past, she says it just makes it harder to come back. I can really empathise with the anger issues and the working around alcohol one too. I had to host a few events in early sobriety and it was not fun. But it does get easier. I worried that I was going to snap too, I think I spent many evenings googling anger management! Just take it day by day and things will get easier. Oh, and tiger balm was my remedy for those horrible tension headaches, it's a miracle worker! x

Southerner

You have accomplished something astounding. How can you not make it? I fail to believe that you will let 27 1/2 days not propel you to 28 and beyond. Plus, you know what's on the other side of giving in. It is a much worse place than 28 and beyond without it. No comparison, really. Go walk and get a soda, look around at all the wonderful things in this world, and then imagine if they will look any better if you start back at Day 0. I think you can and will keep going.

Dee74

I'm glad you're going to see your Dr, Ruby.

The way I see it - there are drugs I used to take...I used them to run away from life...they diminished me.

There are drugs I need to take now that enrich my life...they help me with my various medical issues and they also help me with maintaining a quality of life that encourages me to get more involved...not less

It's completely different IMO

Congrats on 28 days!

D

Rubysoho

Thanks everyone for your support. I will be 1month sober tomorrow. I did the event, and didn't drink at it. Even though I wanted to.
I'm finding it really hard to look after myself which is probably contributing to my shoddy mood. I can't eat enough. I'm trying really hard and I feel like I eat a lot but when I count it up its only like 800-1000calories a day. I never used to eat and got all my calories from alcohol, so I'm finding that even though I'm nearly 1month sober I only realise I'm hungry when I feel like I'm going to pass out. I heard there's a nutrition page on here, so I will check that out!
I wish I could be happier about being 1month sober, I'm just exhausted and struggling to look after myself properly.
Thanks guys

Dee74

Congratulations on your month Ruby

I still think it would be good for you to see your Dr, but I found my energy and my motivation started to come back in the second month - hope that is true for you too

D

Rubysoho

Thanks Dee I hope that's true for me too. Just need to be more patient. 12 years of drinking, and 1 month sober. I'm not gonna feel better overnight. It's so weird that I need to 'learn to live' again. I need to learn about food, and how much to eat and when, sleep, housework, buying clothes and not wearing moth-eaten old rags! I'll get there in the end!
I went to a gig for the first time in ages today and it was really nice to hear people go 'bloody hell, you look healthy!'. I know I looked like shite before, so that's a bit of an ego boost :-)

SoberForMySon

So glad you're here!

Rubysoho

Thank you, this forum has been so helpful! You guys are really supportive and inspiring :-)

Sapling

Give yourself some credit Rubysoho....You're doing awesome....Buy yourself an ice cream or something....Happy One Month Birthday!!

Rubysoho

Thank you! Feeling a bit weak from not eating enough so I'm on the hunt for something tasty to celebrate!

Sapling

Good for you!

IndaMiricale

Its not a easy process. I agree with everyone above..

And you are doing well a month is fantastic, it is going to have some serious ups and downs. Just keep working and believing the AA system. It will get better..

As for the depression and such, my doctor when I quit since I was honest with her, wouldnt put me on the normal anti deprss/aniexty meds due to me being alcoholic and addict. So she put me on Zoloft which isnt a narcotic.. See your doctor and just be honest..

Keep posting