dont know why I keep doing stupid stuff
 

I made it through day 9. No problem, then for some idiotic reason I went and bought beer. I didnt even want it but I had an opporunity and I was bored. I thought about it for a few minutes decided it was a bad idea and proceeded to walk to the store and downed 7 beers. I was getting along with ex but now she is pissed and told me to stay away from her cause I am ruining her life. I know she is right I am ruining her life and mine. So here I am back on day one. Ihave never felt so alone in the world as I do now. When did crack nothing really mattered cause I had nothing to lose. Now with so much gained and so much to lose I fd up again. will I ever be able to get my life right? It would be nice if I could have one decent relationship and a sober life before I die.
Alcohol doesnt work for me anymore I get drunk really easily on half of what I use to drink and last night after drinking I puked twice. G/f mad again and I got sick where do I think the fun fits in? Its not fun its damn right frustrating that I keep thinking I need to drink knowing what it does to me. Im really depressed and feel like giving up on life Im tired of having to say I am sorry all the time. The few people left in my life are tired of hearing it and they are tired of me:c021:

Well, we're not tired of you:)

I went on a binge yesterday too, after almost 5 days sober. I'm new here, but from what I've read, this happens and you just have to get up and start all over again. We'll get this.

I wish I could get to a meeting today I have to wait till tomorrow. I will not drink today, I will not drink today, that is todays mantra

Don't beat yourself up too bad. The Guilt and Discouragement are Normal. The truth is Everybody stumbles. It's the determination to go on that matters. I made a list of my Triggers (like Boredom) and ways to counter them (like Video Games) and found that it helped. I never even try to make sense or Logic of my Drinking Impulses because they never will. It's like a Committee of Jerry Springer Show Contestants all Screaming at me as to why I need to pick up a bottle again. Then I remind myself...."It's the JERRY SPRINGER SHOW".

whats bugging me the most is that I drank at work knowing I am on probation and they are watching to see if I will drink. There were no bosses so I figured 1 wouldnt be bad but we all know how that goes its never only one.

Sounds like you were sober 9 out of the last 10 days. Reflect on what went wrong and work on 10 out of 11.

I had to totally change my thinking about alcohol in order to stay sober. That probably sounds like a "duh" statement, but I really had to work at it. When I was drinking, I looked at a "few drinks" as no big deal, what's one little drink or one more night of drinking, right? At the end I didn't think at all, I just got the urge and followed it. Addiction is like that - we're just on auto-pilot.

I had to make the connection (over and over and over again) between a drink - even just one - with the whole of what it did to my life and what it will do to my future. I even imagined a skull and crossbones on every label - it's pure poison to me. I wouldn't drink antifreeze, so why would I drink alcohol?

Being prepared for the urges/cravings is important, too. If boredom is a big trigger, get involved in a project or something you can turn to when you get restless. Don't listen to that drink.... don't let alcohol tell you your life isn't worth living. It's a big fat lie.....you deserve so much more:hug:

For me, I can't have it in the house or I will drink it. I will say, the urge to buy it over the past 4 days has been intense...especially since I walk by the liquor store every day. However, I have recognized that the cravings and *thoughts* are just that, thoughts. It's in my power to NOT act on them. Easier said than done, but next time you get the thought do absolutely anything to NOT act on it!

You've had 9 days...that's awesome! Just get right back to it and stop beating yourself up as it will only make your craving to numb everything by drinking that much more intense. Keep reading and posting!!

Thanks for the advice art and deep what you said was helpful. I know what goes wrong I always tell myself this time will be different but it never is. I need to keep reminding myself its never gonna be different if I drink its always gonna cause problems. I have to keep telling myself I cant drink its only going to keep getting worse. The last 9 days of sobriety were so relieving to me I was clear headed for the first time in a long time, granted a little nervous but everything else was so much better. Im eating again which is something I stopped doing. For the past year and a half i basically stopped eating and just drank. I didnt realize how scrawny and weak I have become. If Pat hadnt had me arrested I would have probably drank myself to death, I dont think I was too far from that, that was something she use to scream at me about, she was terrified I was gonna die on her. what a great woman she deserves so much better than me after everything I put her through she still cares about me and is trying to help me if she can

[QUOTE=artsoul;3581621]
I had to make the connection (over and over and over again) between a drink - even just one - with the whole of what it did to my life and what it will do to my future. I even imagined a skull and crossbones on every label - it's pure poison to me. I wouldn't drink antifreeze, so why would I drink alcohol?QUOTE]

AWESOME strategy!!! Great share! :thanks

These people are giving you a good break....I'm not sure I get this. You have to want this to make it work. I think you mentioned the other day you couldn't get to a meeting till tomorrow...Now you can't get to a meeting until tomorrow again?...Wasn't that part of the deal your employer gave you?....I would be doing everything I was asked and then some...If I wanted to keep my job.

I can only get the meetings close to me. Since I cracked my head open Im having trouble walking. I am petrified of falling again. I should be more petrified of drinking now that I think about it. Im trying to find someone that could pick me up on their way to meetings cant get to. Once Im a little better walking a few miles or riding my bike wont be a problem.

Hey there!

I wish you the best in your recovery! It's a hard and difficult journey, but you can get through it. You can.

I just wanted to point out that boredom is a big trigger. Boredom was my biggest trigger with my opiate addiction. I have to sometimes force myself to exercise, read, go for a walk, clean the house, just anything to take away the boredom. Since I know longer have nursing school to keep away the boredom a.k.a studying all the time, etc. I enrolled in an EMT-B class to keep me busy and volunteering when I can. I realize it's different for everyone, but do what you think will help you.

This is just my opinion, but maybe start a journal about how your day goes and how certain things such as feelings, boredom, events, etc affect your desire to drink. Not only will this help you in recognizing these triggers, but if you feel comfortable you can share it with your girlfriend to show her that you are trying.

keeping a journal was pivotal in my getting off crack it actually turned out to be a book my counselor at the time wanted to use cause I made it more than just a journal. The beginning of it was journaling but then I also had seperate sections. 1 for triggers, one for hopes and dreams, triggers and ways to avoid them the last section I called my personality puzzle. I wish my brain was working so I couodo explain it better cause it was very helpful. Nothing was working for me not therapy not NA or AA, but when I started this book I saw change and before I knew it I realized I hadnt used in a month and then the time got longer and longer I havent smoked in 6 years and have no desire to at all. Its everywhere around my town but I have no desire. I think its a miracle. A miracle I never question I am just grateful and pray I can stop drinking and be totally clean. I would like to enjoy a sober life for what time I have left. It would be nice if I could remember some part of my life. Im tired of living in a blurrrrrrrrr

How are you getting beer?...I'm sure that's what your bosses are going to ask you...Seriously....I wasn't as fortunate as you are to get a second chance at my last job....I just got flat out canned....I hope that doesn't happen to you.

Read the book "Under the Influence"...It will scare you sober to read what us alcoholics are physiologically doing to our body and why, as alcoholics, we CAN NOT drink EVER, because our reactions to alcohol are based in our "special" physiology (different than that of a non-alcoholic) and are beyond our control. No matter what our psychology is, even if the depression/anxiety/whatever situational stuff is going on gets better, our physical reaction to alcohol, the chemistry in our body is not in our control, and will not change and won't get better. Drinking = poison to our body therefore we can't do it, ever.

Hey hon, hang in there, stay strong, and don't drink!! Get to a meeting.

I am off to work, its a short shift I AM NOT GOING tO DRINK. Alcohol is not my friend I might as well drink poison. Wish me luck, and for those really into prayer could you say a little prayer for me.thanks

Have you thought about Salvation Army rehab Beth - it's a long commitment timewise, but maybe you need that?...at least it's free..

The Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center: Rehabilitation Program

D