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I've Relapsed... And nothing is going as planned.

Old 09-16-2012, 10:08 PM
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I've Relapsed... And nothing is going as planned.

I am tired and ready to go to bed, but I have to write this stuff out first.

My relapse... well, it's not quite what you would think. I know many folks have issues with consuming large amounts of alcohol, and a relapse would probably consist of them getting wasted. Well, I've had that problem in the past as well, but I'm over it.

No, my relapse isn't drinking a twelve pack and getting trashed. It's drinking just enough. That's right, folks. I have actually been able to set some limitations for myself, and stop at 1-3 beers and consume absolutely no liquor. So what's the problem, then? Sounds great, right? Yeah, that's what I thought too.

I'm 26 years old, and I had been drinking too much and was at a stand still in my life. I was working the same job that I didn't like for seven years, and had no long term plans.

So I decided to go back to college! I'm in my apartment on campus right now! I was so excited to start a new chapter in my life. Everything was going great until I got to my calculus class. I was so stressed out over that homework that I told myself, "Hey, you can buy a beer. One won't hurt." And it didn't. I had one, and that was it.

Now, 3 weeks later, I've had 1-3 beers a night nearly every night. It doesn't sound too bad on paper. I haven't had any physical issues. No hangovers. No binges. No headaches and diarrhea. But I'll be damned if I'm not having mental issues.

Over the past week or so, I've started to feel depressed and a bit lethargic. My attitude and motivation are way, way lower than they were when I was completely sober for 2 months. And you know what? It feels exactly the same as when I was binge drinking. It's the same god damned feeling, and all I'm having is 3 drinks max. I KNOW it's the alcohol making me feel this way.

So you know what? Apparently, even if I can control the volume of my drinking, I can't drink anymore. Even small amounts apparently cause me problems.
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Old 09-16-2012, 10:13 PM
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alcohol is insidious stuff. For me the only way is total abstenice. Work out! Take yoga classes. Learn to properly meditate.

Youre on the right track my friend! Go to school! Learn new and cool stuff to apply to your future.

Love from Lenina
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Old 09-16-2012, 10:22 PM
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Originally Posted by AngryGuy View Post
Apparently, even if I can control the volume of my drinking, I can't drink anymore. Even small amounts apparently cause me problems.
Congrats AG, you are blessed to come to this enlighttenment at 26 years old... some of us wasted another 26 + years trying to figure that one out. Your going to do well in school once you get that poison out of your system.

Now you know something that it took a long time for a lot of us here to learn... I can never drink alcohol again!

There are lots of programs out there to support you as well as all of us here on SR. You can do this AG
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Old 09-16-2012, 10:44 PM
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Sounds like you're blessed with some awesome self awareness AG.

No matter how much I was drinking, whenever I was drinking I was in the cycle, and I was not ever in control.

so what's your plan to quit?

D
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Old 09-16-2012, 11:21 PM
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For me, it was never about how much i drank or what i drank. It was about the effect it had on my mental state. I would go through periods sometimes where i could just have a couple of drinks. But eventually, sometimes over a period of weeks, that one or two glasses would always inevitably end up at 2 bottles. I am an alcoholic and i know with absolute surety that my illness is progressive - it is only going to get worse. On that basis alone, abstinence was also the only way for me. The fellowships were absolutely central for me - not necessarily in getting me sober, but by keeping me sober. I don'tknow if this helps, but that is my experience x
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Old 09-17-2012, 02:50 AM
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I know just what you mean AngryGuy. Before I managed to quit this time I had got my drinking intermittently down to about a glass of wine a night for at least a month. I was so shocked how much my mental state changed when I stopped drinking even though the transition was from a relatively small amount. My whole mental outlook changed.

Have you looked into getting any support to help you handle stress without alcohol?
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Old 09-17-2012, 03:30 AM
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I had been trying to keep it down to a few drinks a night for the past year, and was successful a good portion of that time. But for me it was always that one night, where I just kept going because the 'ticker' in my head fell asleep and forgot to make the rest of my brain stop...

I'm furious that I can't have any alcohol at all. The fury then goes away quickly, like when you throw paper on a bonfire, and what's left is just sadness.

But then I think I'm still alive, I still have a job, have my health, and some people who love me. And I didn't have this demon riding me until my last day, so I guess I should stop feeling sad all of the time and occasionally feel blessed.

:hugs: least that's what I'm trying to do...
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Old 09-17-2012, 07:53 AM
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Sounds like you can foresee things quite well AG. Gosh by 26 I had been through a ton of scrapes yet I kept on going , trying to moderate and losing but hey I didn't have a problem....I had little to no self awareness

My mental health was ignored too. I just scraped by in college usually leaning on the backs of classmates, and when I went to work I worked hard in some sacrifice to justify my drinking.

I think you see how this is affecting you and for me , I missed it , till it got much worse and many years after 26 a real challenge and amazed I actually came out in one piece.

You here so your acknowledging that drinking is causing problems. I think you can spare yourself further by sticking around and see if you can truly ever drink "normally" without a lot of other side effects. I know now I can't and couldn't then for any period of time but I was in denial of the problem. You stand a good chance to get to this early and set a boundary and enjoy a lot of great years ahead.

Best of luck
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Old 09-17-2012, 08:00 AM
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Good for you AG for figuring things out! You can still join our class of September if you'd like. Since your in school, I'll bet there's free counseling from stress management. Mi did that when I was in school and it really helped. This was back before I was a full blown alcoholic. Also, in terms of the calculus, ugh! I had major issues with my physics class, and so I got a free tutor through the school, and that really helped. We did all the homework together. Maybe they have peer tutoring where you are too. Just a suggestion.
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Old 09-17-2012, 08:42 AM
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Thanks a lot for the kind words, folks.

I do have a plan, and it involves staying busy. I've had way too much free time since I quit my job, and even though I don't have to work, I'm looking at getting hired at a new place here very soon. Hopefully I'll be working again in the next two weeks.

Since these massive changes I've put upon myself (To try to make myself happy), I've figured out that I'm most happy having a job. I just don't think my previous job was the right fit.

As for the stress, I think that particular part has passed. The stress here was enormous. I'll tell you what was going through my head:
I had sacrificed everything: My job, my home, and basically my entire life to come back to school and try to make something of myself. I was trying and trying to make this calculus stuff work in my brain, but it just wasn't. I thought, "Oh my god. I sacrificed it all, and I can't even do this. I've never had this happen before."

I had never encountered something that I couldn't do, and it was devastating. That's when I went and bought a 16oz beer.

Well, I figured it out later that night, and since then I haven't had any issues. But when it happens again, I'll be more prepared. I believe I have control over all my choices, and that night I just made the wrong choice. Next time, it's as simple as making a different choice.
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Old 09-17-2012, 03:35 PM
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Originally Posted by AngryGuy
I was trying and trying to make this calculus stuff work in my brain, but it just wasn't. I thought, "Oh my god. I sacrificed it all, and I can't even do this. I've never had this happen before."

I had never encountered something that I couldn't do, and it was devastating. That's when I went and bought a 16oz beer.

Well, I figured it out later that night, and since then I haven't had any issues. But when it happens again, I'll be more prepared.
I'm glad you figured it out. Beer doesn't help with that.

I'm going to give you a heads-up though: there is such a thing as hitting an intellectual wall, and the further you take your education the higher the chance you'll reach it.

I've had that experience twice: once in a basic (2nd year undergrad) physics class which convinced me that physics was something I should forget about, once in a special topics math class.

It's not just struggling or getting a bad grade, I actually got a good grade in the math one, it's realizing that you'll never truly understand the subject matter no matter how hard you try. I don't think you need to worry about it yet, no one has ever hit a wall in a calculus class, but just be forewarned that it can happen...

Best of luck with your studies.
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