8thPhoenix

Hi. Maybe I've missed it, but I didn't see an intro/welcome stickied thread or anything so I apologize for starting a new one...

Until last Tuesday, I drank every single night for the past 20 years. There were a few sober periods of time, such as when I was pregnant with my kids, when I nursed my youngest, and patches of a day or two here and there when I tried mightily to break free. But I always got pulled back.

I drank a variety of things, wine, hard liquor and beer. At my worst it was two bottles of wine a night, at the best, two beers. But over the past five years, episodes of memory loss, self-cutting, and also the reappearance of my eating disorders (started in high school) came up when I was too intoxicated.

Because I only drank at night, my kids hadn't been aware of my addiction. But more and more, my two oldest boys (approaching 'tweens') had started asking 'what are you drinking?' and 'is that beer/wine', which was awkward.

Then last week, what started as a good night with a glass of white wine on the porch after work, talking to my mom on the phone, ended with my continuing past the bottle of wine, going on to drinking what I don't remember, and I passed out in front of my kids. We were sitting at the dining room table playing a board game, and I fell out of my chair, and landed unconscious on the floor. My entire right side is bruised.

My boyfriend, who has never liked alcohol and doesn't drink (but quietly endured my addiction, which I'd told him I could 'manage' in the year and a half we'd been living together), managed to get me up the stairs and into bed. He also lied to the kids and told them I was just very tired - a tremendous feat for him because he loathes lying.

The next morning, unsure of what happened the night before, I got online, researched herbal remedies for alcoholism (and not really sure I'd find anything). I read that Kudzu root helps. I asked my bf to drive me to the store to buy it, since the only store that carried it was 40 minutes away and I still didn't feel well and I wasn't sure I wouldn't cave before I got there and turn around.

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It's been five days. I'm very scared. I'm very...'bright'. I feel infused with energy. I feel at the same time filled with a weird, trembly joy and sorrow. I feel sort of 'untethered', like there's nothing to hold me to the ground and I might float away. I am a person of faith and I know God has got me by the hand, and that helps, but at the same time I've lost the daily thing I had to look forward to, the reward, the false lense that made life brighter and deeper and more thrilling. I'm scared I'll never be happy again.

The kudzu root is really helping, plus vitamins and amino acids. Where before if I didn't drink I'd have this jaw-grinding tension that made my head feel like it was made out of granite, somehow the kudzu is lowering that to just a feeling of restless, nervous unease, which so far I can handle.

I still feel like I'm in mourning, half the time though. It hurts that I can never have that secret place back. Of course it wasn't really a secret anymore.

Life is very bright, and maybe too bright now, but I'm hoping I can get used to it and never go back. I have never said that I would never drink again, until this week. I'm really scared.


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doh! and I just saw the subforum for stories of recovery... again, sorry - maybe a mod can move it?

mecanix

5 days

Hope you stick around and read and post as much as you need to ,

Bestwishes, M

Dee74

welcome to SR Phoenix

All that sounds pretty normal to me - I trusted the people here who told me things would get better - and they did

D

whatsgoingon

I relate to a lot of what you said. I'm only 4 days sober so at a similar place to you. I am also feeling like I'm giving up one of life's pleasures and I keep asking why? The reason why... I guess that's why we are both on this forum today. Something is not right in our worlds and we know deep down alcohol is a problem. Keep strong, keep the faith and just take every day one by one. Big hugs x

least

Welcome to the family! I too felt like I couldn't live without drinking but now that I'm not drinking I'm really living! The first month or so can be up and down but don't give in and drink. Get some support system in place and give it all your effort. I did and it's very rewarding to not wake up hating myself and feeling like I'm going to die.

YVRguy

Great work on five days ! What's the plan to get another day? I have felt untethered as well as I had no idea what I would do next so I did very little and wound up back to were I was and worse. It is scary and glad you found SR as loneliness haunted me for a long time...decades. So afraid of what I had become , if others knew , all sorts of things crossed my mind but I had no plan to get out of the mess.

I am trying a plan now and its still scary and tough but it makes things simpler for me and while I am a pretty bright person on lots of things , I am not very bright with alcohol and never really have been. I need simple as I get confused a lot when it comes to the whole drinking thing.

There are lots of options for help including SR of course. Have a look at some of them AA, AVRT , RR and so on. Maybe give one a try as sounds like staying on the same path may not be where you want to be.

Good luck

cubfanja

I stopped going to AA meeting a long time ago, because I never felt that I was alcoholic, but had to go because court mandated. I never worked the steps when I did go AA and know looking for guidance to work the 12 steps. I didn’t drink every day or crave it, but my problem was drinking and driving and cost my license and I am know trying to get my license back.

8thPhoenix

Yeah, that's where the feeling of mourning comes in, I think. I'm actually angry sometimes... like 'what the hell? I thought I was just going to cut down and stuff..'

The decision to quit evolved over the 48 hours or so after the first day, and it scared the crap out of me. It's like some other buried part of me just finally rose up and went all Samuel Jackson like 'this has just got to stop now'. And it doesn't feel fair at times.

But at the same time, I'm so thankful. Maybe one day all of these parts will get together and I'll be one person, heh..

8thPhoenix

Thanks.

I do not have a plan. Just every day, my goal is to make it to sleep without drinking. I only drank at night, so the hardest time is between 5pm and 11. For some reason if I make it to 11 I get this second wind and I make some coffee and I'm okay.

I know that I don't want to go to meetings. I'm a strange person, in that I like people a ton - but at a distance. I grow easily bored and fidgety and if I had to sit and rub elbows with a bunch of strangers I would probably not go back a second and third time.

But that's probably also why I registered here. I can read others' stories and get feedback and the net's a nice buffer, in that I can do this in my own time and at my own pace.

At least that's what I think now. Changes may occur...

Auvers

Congrats on your 5 days. You said you felt "bright" maybe too bright, I don't quite understand that description. I do think whatever you are feeling will be changing as the days and weeks go on. People have such different physical and mental withdrawal processes, some things hanging on months. But every day feeling more certain that life without alcohol uncovers wonderful things.

Hevyn

Welcome 8thPhoenix. That was an excellent description - and how I felt, too - grieving the 'loss' of my friend and constant companion.

For so many years it was fun, so I didn't realize it was sucking the life out of me. Slowly stealing my soul and killing my enthusiasm and joy. I continued into my 50's - trying to find the early euphoria I once felt when I drank. It was so hard to admit it could never come back. I'd crossed the line from social drinking to alcoholism. I'm glad you've realized it's time to reclaim your life. It will seem strange for awhile, like something's missing, but we promise that will change. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, but you'll be stopping it in it's tracks. You'll learn to live again in a new and better way. Keep on reading here and posting - it'll help you not feel alone.

8thPhoenix

I feel like I'm a car doing 120 on the highway. It's hard to calm down. My brain's humming.. without the daily hangover to sort of chill me out.

Sorry, I write music way better than I communicate w/ language. My bad!

mark120910

8th, I quit as well six days ago after 10-15 years of drinking too much. It is strange to see how my brain and body function without alcohol.

I use some over-the-counter supplements to keep me calm and facilitate sleep. Also a liver health supplement to help my liver recover. As my mind clears and my energy and appetite return, I feel more myself every day.

I admire the progress you seem to have made without help, but I would encourage you to keep an open mind about treatment or group support, especially if you find yourself tempted to pick up a drink. Our addictive voices can be persuasive and there is no shame in getting help. Many have fought this battle and won; no point inventing your own recovery methods if you can learn from those who have gone before.

The important thing is to keep your resolve and reject the addiction until it loses its power over you. It will.

Take care and good luck!

Mark