Someguy23

Long story short: the thread title...

Short story long: I have a friend who is very sick. Prognosis around a year. We used to drink and smoke together all the time. I thought it over last night and decided I wanted today to be like old times.

I had two beers and part of a third over the course of the day and we split a joint. I have a hard time seeing it as a big deal. I didn't get drunk or want to get drunk, I couldn't even finish my last beer.

I'm a little underwhelmed to be honest, there was no feeling of rekindling a love affair, no huge struggle to control myself and no irresistible cravings after. I didn't even like it too much. I bought ale because my friend prefers them, but I think they taste terrible.

If anything, it's made me wonder what I used to see in it. Doesn't seem worth it.

Anyway, I'm not drinking more tonight and I'm not drinking tomorrow, so as far as relapses go it'll be a rather tame one. Wanted it on record though.

EDIT:

Just wanted to make it clear that I wasn't pressured into drinking in any way. I had taken the decision to have a few beers long before I got there and it's on my head entirely.

Dee74

I can't blame you for thinking this way cos I certainly felt the same way more than once - I found what I thought was a valid reason for drinking...nothing bad happened and I really didn't enjoy the experience.

My addiction loved that, because the next time the thought of a beer came into my head, there was very little to dissuade it....

I think you need to decide what you are SG.

If you are a normal drinker, I don't really know why you'd be here...
& if you're not a normal drinker, IMO you really have no business drinking.

I'm sorry for your friends prognosis.
D

ReadyAndAble

What Dee said. My most dangerous relapses, in the long run, were the ones where nothing bad happened in the short run.

I'm glad you're back on track. You sound solid, just don't underestimate the quiet strengthening of addiction that so-called minor usage entails. The thing about rekindling is it usually begins deep in the ashes, out of sight.

I'm truly sorry to hear about your friend, SG.

NoFireWater

SomeGuy I'm so sorry about your friend. That's a heartbreaker for sure. I can understand the thinking there-keep up the old traditions,etc. Part of it was probably your coping mechanism to deal with being with the friend with such a sad prognosis. I'm not surprised it wasn't a good experience. I think once you've really made up your mind to quit and have spent time on SR drinking wouldn't be as enjoyable-there would be guilt for relapsing and it would be hard to be carefree knowing the harm it's caused for so many here.

mecanix

I can understand why you did what you did .

I know for me having done that i'd be wondering how many i could have at a future date and "handle" it . i'd start making a list in my head who i'd drink with or not and under which curcumstances . Hope you ar'nt as crazy as me .

Bestwishes, M

EternalQ

"I have a hard time seeing it as a big deal" QUOTE

If this were true, why did you make a thread about it?

I too am sorry bout your friend. However, having been very close to someone who died within two years of diagnosis, may I say something? I went to all her appts, treatments, spent nights over in the hospital, lived with hospice, etc. I was a drinker then. I wish I had not been. Why?

Because by drinking I was teaching myself I couldn't handle the pain of it. Then when she died I was devestated. More reason to drink, right?

Four months later I quit drinking. And I finally saw that the drinking made the whole experience much more depressing then it had to be. Sad, yes, scary, angry, helpless, yes grief stricken, yes, but depressed? It didn't have to be depressing. I made it depressing. Alcohol made it depressing.

Alcohol is a depressant. At the saddest time of my life, I was stupid enough to drink large amounts of depressant liquid daily.

Be careful. There are always always always going to be "reasons" to drink. You are on a slippery slope. You have a whole year yet to go. You need to be preparing, and practicing good selfcare to help you handle what is to come.

Don't be stupid like I was.

Sapling

I was talking with a friend after a meeting yesterday with 12 years in AA....And I told him about a friend who had relapsed.....And he asked me what reason he gave me....I said he hadn't....I thought it might have been because it was the time of year he lost someone close to him.....He told me...He'd never heard anyone that gave him a good reason....Period.....I guess that's why he has 12 years....What are you doing for your recovery Someguy23?

nonblondechef

Sorry to hear of the news of your friend. I think EQ hit the nail on the head. Loss of any sort is difficult under the best of circumstances, why compound it with drugs and/or alcohol? Will being in an altered state make a difference at any point - before or after? Seems as though the situation(s) will be what they are going to be and drinking through it/them will not change the outcome. I really appreciate your post very much. Just writing what I did really made me think and realize to stay on the path one must really plant themselves as deeply as possible. I'm going to step even harder on the soft ground that I've yet to walk on to keep myself aligned and in line. God bless you, and your friend on your collective journeys.

aeo1313

I am sorry to hear about your friend and I'm glad you posted about it. I understand why you did what you did.

The hard part is because nothing happened it will be easier to slip into drinking and smoking the next time a situation comes up.

There is no big scorekeeper in the sky keeping track of your drinking...so do what you say and move on and don't do it again.

I have finally come to terms with the fact that I don't drink...I don't waffle back and forth anymore, and there is a certain peace with that. I hope you get there as well.

sugarbear1

Why drink more tonight? Sounds like the kindling has already begun.

I wish you well with what ever you choose!

Love & hugs,

aeo1313

I think he said he wasn't drinking more tonight

Mizzuno

I am sorry to hear of your friend.

sugarbear1

I am so sorry! New eye glasses have been ordered!

Glad you aren't drinking tonight.

Keep staying stopped!!!

Threshold

I've had the "underwhelming" relapse myself. So I DO understand what you're saying here.

Here is my thought process that followed...over the course of the few weeks afterwards.

It really wasn't all that good, didn't taste great. (hmm, but there are some other drinks that I am pretty sure WOULD taste great..damn I miss them)

I guess I am not REALLY done, the way I thought I was. If I was done, for good, I wouldn't have had any. I guess I still rationalize that there are situations under which it's OK to drink. If there is one, I will probably find another. Hmmm

I thought I was really done. Why am I not really done, after all I've been through, after all I've seen others go through due to a loved one being an alcoholic, why am I not yet really done?

I want to be done, I just want this off the table, forever. I don't want to have to worry about doing it again, I don't want my friends and kids to have to worry about me doing it again.

But hey, I had one, and it was no big deal, I didn't really like it.

If it was no big deal, why am I still thinking about it? Why am I wondering if it might be ok for me to have one everyone now and then? I mean, if it wasn't great, then why bother going back there at all ever?

Then my boyfriend relapsed, and his "one" turned into 8 months of hell for me and him. And then my daughter shared a song with me that explained to me how it felt to her when I had any...be it just one or twenty one. And I saw that it was a big deal.

I I knew I needed to be done, forever, and that there was no situation that ever really needed me to drink. That there was no situation in which I should be telling my recovering friends that one was Ok, No situation in which it was cool for me to essentially flip off my daughter and her experience of me as a drunk by having a couple.

I am learning how to make choices for myself out of love. I choose to never drink again because I love myself, my life, my friends in recovery, my daughter and grandson. I don't need the hellish relapse to scare me into not drinking, now I use the love to draw me deeper into recovery.

That was MY process. Other's may well differ.

Slits

I will not have a Drink with you tonight. Why get Chemothearpy if you don't have to?

Change4good

I had a few beers one day. Just two over an afternoon. The next day I had two glasses of wine with dinner. Went to bed after lots of water.

The next day it what 7. And it went on and on. . .

Please take care of yourself and your friend.

Someguy23

First of all, thanks a lot to everyone who expressed their best wishes.

I had known about his disease for a month and a half now, and his health has been deteriorating for well over a year, but I have to admit seeing him wheelchair-bound was a shock. You just don't expect that when a dude is in his early thirties...

I'm not drinking today, or tomorrow, or in the near future. This has indeed made me wonder whether I was truly addicted to alcohol or not, or rather to what extent... but it has also convinced me that beer just doesn't do much for me anymore.

The buzz was nice enough but it wasn't great. It wasn't worth the taste or empty calories.

Someguy23

I've been trying to figure that one out since I joined this site...

It is undeniable that I was drinking too much and showed signs of addiction. On the other hand, everything seems to suggest I can take it or leave it any time I want, at least in the short and medium term. So I dunno Dee... maybe I'm in denial about it, I'm not blind to the possibility of self-deception, but I just don't feel it. One way or the other...

All I know is I'm happier when I'm not drinking than when I am. I'm sticking with it, I'm just not sure how commited I am.

I'm sorry to hear about it EternalQ. It sucks doesn't it...

I have no intentions of drinking throughout this. I'll try to help him out as best I can, but he has his parents and his wife to take care of him. I'll mostly try to come by and cheer him up every now and again.

I'll keep smoking with him because it was never a problem for me and I know he enjoys it a lot. I'll just stop bringing beer when I go. If he asks me about it, I'll tell him I'm taking a break. He knows how much I used to drink and he'll understand (although he will make fun of me).

I made a thread about it because right now it's a slip. I wanted to avoid any chance of this turning into an all-out relapse.

Huh, I actually did wonder if I wouldn't have enjoyed it more if I had bought a nice lager rather than an ale or if I had had an energy drink to mix it with... and of course if the occasion itself had been more festive.

To be honest though, beer was my 'go-to' drink. If I don't enjoy beer anymore, I doubt I would enjoy wine or vodka any better... and I never liked anything else.

Wish me rather to make up my mind that that's what I want...

NoFireWater

SomeGuy, it's easy to have those thoughts like I wasn't really addicted because I was able to stop fairly easily, and able to stop after just a couple. I can relate. I think there are varying levels of addiction and some people catch it early. Since it's a progressive thing, those are the lucky ones. I can't imagine someone even finding SR unless they knew it was a problem on some level. It doesn't really help to analyze how addicted you are/were in my opinion. If alcohol makes you do things you regret, and make bad decisions that you wouldn't make sober, it's a problem to deal with. Keep it simple.

Your friend is really young to have such a prognosis and I'm sure it's awful to see him like that. Try to stay strong so you can be there for him-you'll be glad you did in the long run..

Sapling

A good test you can try is stopping for 90 days...If you can do that and feel fine than alcohol is probably not your problem...If you can't do that or you're irritable, restless and discontented when you do...You probably have a problem you should address.