773niki

I think I'm truly F'ed up.
I just posted about my 30 day sobriety on the 10th.
It's the 14th.
I am rationalizing in my head that I can (and deserve) to drink today.
I cannot believe I am even doing this in my mind!!!

WTF is my issue?
I don't want to drink, yet, I want to drink.
I am so clueless and pissed at my own thought process right now.

JohnnyOneDay

We can't do that, Niki. I'm 45 days in. I have thoughts and urges and cravings too. But I can not succumb to them. Neither can you. That's the AV talking. Let's stay strong!!!

Healthyfood

Just today please don't drink. Just this one day. I kept saying this to myself for 228 days. It does help. Stay strong.

Mark75

Alcoholism... Stick around and keep posting. I don't know where you are in terms of a recovery method, but one helps for times like these...

I bet there is an AA meeting close to where you live today. They help a lot for times like these. Or start working that AVRT thing... Go for a walk, listen to music, read...

backbeat

I get the same thing. Same urges and they can be strong. I make myself think about how I will feel about myself tomorrow, and if it's worth it.

Dee74

I think it's not our thoughts that are important, it's what we do in response Niki
Stick by SR - use whatever other support you have...

and remember, if you're a drinker like me, drinking is always a really bad idea...

D

773niki

Thanks guys.
Didn't drink. My thought process is completely consumed though. Made it through work. At home now. Lots of stress and feeling so out of control - and the problem is - I felt so IN control a few days ago. Yesterday even. Man, this sucks. I thought, for some reason, this time would be different since i really, really hit my bottom last month.

I'm not going to drink. I just wish these crazy thoughts of "grandeur' would leave already. Gonna chalk it up to some delivery pizza and a movie on the couch and hope I wake up tomorrow in a better place.

That smiley face was so fake, it's killin me HAHAHA, UGH!

I'd rather cut off my arm than feel this. Not really, but you know what I mean.

Itchy

niki,
lots of folks would cut it off to make it as far as you have. If they made it there, then they would likely want to take it as far as some of the rest of us have. Man I wasn't feeling it until three months and then the real healing started to be noticeable at six months. You drank for how long? And expect it all to go away in a month? Congrats bud, now trudge with me a bit more, maybe to two months, and then maybe two years like I almost have? If I did you will.

Dee74

use this one Niki

Crazy thoughts come...and they go...
Hope you feel more at peace soon

D

DisplacedGRITS

when my 1 month mark was approaching i found myself planning a little "party." 2 or 3 beers. that's all. i had this alcoholism thing totally licked! but you gotta step outside yourself and look at your and your addiction together. you're a package deal. the real party is making it 30 days then making it to 31. 31 to 32 and so on. when i stepped back and looked at myself i saw a willful child. a party? really? you wanna put your hand on the burner again? don't you remember what happened last time, you goose? i had to smile at myself and shake my head. we all have those thoughts. it's like Dee said. it's what we actually do that counts.

773niki

Hahaha, I love you guys. You are all so RIGHT.
I've been here. Done that. I know this. I made it 122 days for goodness sakes! Haha, that's a very self-depreciating "haha" - but I want to make it forever. I jusdt thought, for some reason, I wouldn't feel the same way this time around.

Surprise. Surprise. Always the same. Hopefully I learned from all my past crap that I can do it this time. I'm reflecting on teh "action" words i'm using though - and I AM GOING TO DO THIS. I have no other option.

Just wish it was easier!
Don't we all?

Tippingpoint

Not crazy.

Very normal...so much so, that it should be expected. It will happen less and less often as your build up time but don't expect it to ever go away forever. That way you'll never be surprised when it happens again.

Itchy

Yep!
You see relapses don't happen with the big cravings, we know them and can get past them, and they do pass.

It is the small lie when we tell ourselves we are now able to drink normally, and the horror, from what I have heard, and do not want to learn first hand, is that the relapse is worse than before we quit. Like making up for lost time.

We can usually handle the cravings. The self deception if we forget, is where it gets dicey. Me, no more. I drank my life quota and then some of alcohol. I wrote in my early sobriety that "Boredom is wanting to do something, anything, as long as you don’t have to actually do something to do it. Now substitute the word "drinking" for the word "Boredom." Alcohol provides us an avenue to run away from all of our problems . . . except the results of using alcohol. <sigh>"

tomsteve

welp, 1st things 1st: throw out the arse kickin machine and stop being pissed at yerself for your thoughts. i know i am powerless over what thoughts pop in my head, but i dont have to act on them. when i got into recovery, i saw just how screwed up i was. i went from suicidal thoughts to homocidal thoughts, and let me tell ya, them homocidal thoughts werent the bangbang they're dead ones. they were quite gruesome. but i didnt act on them because i knew they were completely insane thoughts.
i am 7 years into recovery. give me a lawn mower and a hot summer day and the thought of, "boy would an ice cold beer or 2 be nice now" sometimes pops up. i was in the store a few weeks ago and the man in front of me was getting a bottle of tequila. i thouhgt," that looks like it may taste good." now, i have only drank tequila once and i got extremely drunk and violently sick, but the thought popped up anyways!
i am very fortunate that i remember how i drank and am able to catch myself and laugh at myself for thinking i can have 1 or 2 and walk away.


alcoholism is a disease that tells me i dont have a disease, have a drink and everything wil be allright. it is a liar.

and the even better thing is them homocidal thoughts very rarely happen!!

Sobersunshine

Niki, no advice, wiser people than me are giving you good advice. Just want to say that I'm right there with you. Day 10, feel great, and would just love to have a nice glass of wine right now. Or, a whole bottle of rye. I was at work late today, alone, and the thought popped in my head that at work we have a little stash of liquor in the kitchen, for parties. I obsessed about that until I was able to leave. Then, I came home and found a damn beer! I wasn't looking for it, i was doing laundry and it was under some dirty clothes. geez. I dumped it immediately before i had time to think. Then I came onto SR and obsessed some more about a drink. Then I dumped out the Odouls ithat had been in the fridge for like, a year, cuz who wants to drink that **** lol. But it sure was tempting me now with its whopping 0.5% alcohol. One minute at a time. I have my 24 hour sober coin with me now for strength. I am sure identifying with you now. This craving sucks! Like you said, don't want to drink, but I want to drink. Stupid alcohol.