mana09

I need some help, or at least support. My boyfriend stopped smoking marijuana after 10 years of daily consumption. We are four years in the relationship and through that time he once before tried to stop using cannabis.Situation than has taken a rather dramatic turnaround and he returned to the old vice after 5 days of abstinence. It would be a lie to say that under the influence of marijuana he is not productive or not successful at his job, but he began to change.He has large gaps in memory, it would be more accurate to say that he remembers events differently than they actually happened and is ready to rage when someone corrects him. I can not get used to uncontrollable outbursts of anger for trivial things. I do not know if it's from cannabis use or is he just like that. He is smoking from the age of twenty, he himself does not know what kind of character he actually has. 3 days now non-smoking, but the whole time he blames me for ruining mhis life. Tells me that i do not give him support. I read every article and every forum discussions on this topic. I looked into things that might ease the withdrawal symptoms and bought all teas, herbal, fruits, vegetables that people recommended. I try to remind him why he decided to abstinence and what will it bring him in the end but he earnestly attacks yelling at me that I am terribly person and how i destroy him both mentally and physically. I do not know how to deal with it. I do not know how to help him. He does not want to talk to me, blames me for everything that happens to him. how to help him cope with depression and how to explain to him that I am not guilty of stomach pains and that anxious feeling and the depressed and anger. how to prove him that I am here for him and with him and I am trying.What should I do?

I love him very much, he is the man of my life, but I am afraid that his cannabis use same as abstinence produce equally big problems in our relationship. I am very afraid. He was indifferent to the relationship under the influence of marijuana and through abstinence he grow hatred towards me. I do not know, I'm afraid .. I do not want to lose him. What should I do?

SoberForMySon

I don't have any good advice, but I read and I know others will. He is lucky to have you. Has he tried NA?

stairs

Send him to an NA meeting if you can. There are people there who can relate to what he is going through.

SlimSlim

I see this kind of post so often and I just ask myself why the person places value on the relationship?

What are you gaining from this toxic relationship? Close, intimate relationships are supposed to be mutually beneficial, built upon the foundations of trust, respect and appreciation. Both individuals grow and thrive in a healthy relationship.

In answer to your question "What should I do?", I would recommend taking an honest inventory of your relationship within the context of healthy relationships and what you want for yourself both now and in the future. Does the rage you now see make you uncomfortable and afraid to be yourself? Do you have any concerns about your physical safety when he is in a rage? Can you picture yourself having children with this man or spending the rest of your life with him and being content the way that things have been? Given your past and present with this individual, asking yourself these types of questions might help you gain greater clarity and answer your big question.

silly

Sounds like you deserve a heck of a lot more than someone who is indifferent at best and hateful at worst. What is he offering you besides fear, pain and misery? You don't want to lose him but, sheesh, doesn't sound like you're losing much but a very big baby with a massive jerk complex.
You say you want to help him but it sounds like he doesn't want your help. I think the best you can do is take a step back and let him work this out for himself. What will you do if he continues to treat you this way indefinitely? Do you have a point where you'll say enough is enough?

Dee74

Welcome Mana

I smoked daily for 30 years or so before I stopped.

From all I know, and have seen in others, a little bit of irritability is to be expected but not rage and hostility like you're described, mana.

None of what is happening is your fault, -and it's not your job to prove anything or salve any discomfort.

That's your boyfriend's job. He's an adult.

If he won't change his behaviour, go to NA or MA (marijuana anonymous) or see a counsellor or a Dr, that's his problem and his call.

What you have to decide is whether you deserve this kind of treatment?

I also hope you'll check out our Family and Friends forum too:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D

Ann

When we allow people to treat us badly and then expect them to change, we are often the ones who need help. I know because I am the mother of an addict and I understand how much addiction is a family disease.

I join Dee in inviting you to come down to the Family and Friends of Substance Abusers Forum. You will find many who have been where you are and lots of helpful information there.

Welcome to SoberRecovery.

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Hevyn

We're glad you came here to talk it over, mana.

Very good advice already was given, so I'll just say I hope you will find comfort and good suggestions by reading more. Many have had similar situations, you are not alone.

MemphisBlues

As a former daily user and a strong advocate for marijuana legalization ( I might still support legalization) it's posts like yours that scream against the argument of those who say marijuana is a harmless drug.

The rage you describe is certainly attributable to marijuana withdrawal, and will dissipate.

But, and this is an uninformed but and just attributable to my experience, the marijuana use could have masked his ill feelings for you and are just now coming to the surface. For me, marijuana allowed me to ignore my true feelings, to medicate them if you will, and once I took the salve of pot from my brain they came roaring back, unmitigated. Actually, I think my feelings were totally scrambled and I didn't know what I thought, and when taking the marijuana away I was just a confused mess.

That could be what your boyfriend is going through. And if it's true, it might bode you well to suggest he try NA meetings, or counseling for the both of you.

Beyond that, he does come off as somewhat of a ***** for blaming you for his discomfort.

The sad part of all of this is that while he is experiencing these emotions and physical withdrawal symptoms there just might not be any way for you to get through to him. I'm a recovering addict and alcoholic, so my advice may not be what you need, sot he friends and family forum here at SR might just be your ticket.

Thanks for posting and I hope things get better for you and him.

DisplacedGRITS

you've done more than enough. no seriously. more. i'd lay low and let him work it out. he's an adult. if he needs a ride to an NA meeting, give him a lift. if he asks you to brew some of those herbal teas, sure thing. but don't mother him. you're a convenient target for his pent up anger. he can rage at you because you'll take it and come back for more because you're trying to "help." i wouldn't engage him when he's venting. nothing positive will come from it. he's angry, probably with himself, and instead of doing the hard thing and taking responsibility for the fact that he's the one he should be angry with and needs to learn to forgive, he's taking the easy way and blaming and venting at you. it's childish but it's something many people do, users, alcoholics and just everyday people. being supportive doesn't mean you have to carry the person.