No idea what forum to post this in but wanted some advice
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No idea what forum to post this in but wanted some advice
As the title says, I have no idea where to post this but I really want some advice, I don't know if this is even the right forum really but being an alkie I thought I'd start here.
I am not an AA'er but I often read/hear things about resentments and I think we need to resolve these maybe? I am guessing below is what is called a resentment?
I'll try and keep this short, when I was young (some 30 odd years ago) something happened to me and although it could have been alot worse, I have never understood my mothers actions at the time. I really want to ask her why she acted a certain way, but I really don't want to upset her either.
Obvioulsy she is not getting any younger and I don't know how long I have left to ask her, if I ever do, so its kinda been playing on my mind abit lately.
Basically I want to know why she did something, but equally I don't want to upset her by asking either :-/
I know thats a bit vague, I will explain a bit more if need be, but basically do you think it will be helpfull to know why, or should I just let it go?
I am not an AA'er but I often read/hear things about resentments and I think we need to resolve these maybe? I am guessing below is what is called a resentment?
I'll try and keep this short, when I was young (some 30 odd years ago) something happened to me and although it could have been alot worse, I have never understood my mothers actions at the time. I really want to ask her why she acted a certain way, but I really don't want to upset her either.
Obvioulsy she is not getting any younger and I don't know how long I have left to ask her, if I ever do, so its kinda been playing on my mind abit lately.
Basically I want to know why she did something, but equally I don't want to upset her by asking either :-/
I know thats a bit vague, I will explain a bit more if need be, but basically do you think it will be helpfull to know why, or should I just let it go?
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I don't know if this adds anything but it is something she didn't do rather than did. Don't get me wrong I love my mum and I know she loves me. We have a perfectly ok relationship, I just don't understand this one thing. I have children of my own now and I just can't imagine ever doing what she didn't do. Vague I know, sorry
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I don't need any details...Do you honestly think it will help you more than it will hurt her?....What part did you play in it?...Is she even aware she didn't do it?...I mean there are a lot of questions you can ask yourself to get the answer.
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I played no part, it was just something that happened. I was 10 or 11, I think it will help me to understand things that have shaped my life, maybe I don't know. She took me to a psychiatrist a few months later but I never spoke to the woman, I pretty much had selective mutism before the incident (only found out that term in my 30's) in fact all I remember about our sessions was her asking me if I liked dogs, I remember looking up and that was it, I have asked my mum about that, she stopped taking me as I wouldn't talk.
I think it will hurt her as she feels guilty hense the future trips to the psychiatrist, but for me, I dunno like you say, what will it do for me, closure maybe?
We have talked about it before, not for many years now, but she used to allways ask me what happened etc, I would say I don't know, (I know what I know but apparently she thinks more happened) she used to go on sometimes about me blocking it out and I would remember one day, so I dunno she used to quizz me, because of guilt maybe? Now I kinda feel like quizzing her as it should never have happened anyway.
Ughh I dunno
I think it will hurt her as she feels guilty hense the future trips to the psychiatrist, but for me, I dunno like you say, what will it do for me, closure maybe?
We have talked about it before, not for many years now, but she used to allways ask me what happened etc, I would say I don't know, (I know what I know but apparently she thinks more happened) she used to go on sometimes about me blocking it out and I would remember one day, so I dunno she used to quizz me, because of guilt maybe? Now I kinda feel like quizzing her as it should never have happened anyway.
Ughh I dunno
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Good to see you Sax 
I have no experience to share here tho.
If you think it will hurt your mum but you still feel you need closure, maybe you're better off seeing a counsellor yourself?
Hows everything else going with you?
D
I have no experience to share here tho.
If you think it will hurt your mum but you still feel you need closure, maybe you're better off seeing a counsellor yourself?
Hows everything else going with you?
D
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
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Maybe it would be worth just asking her Saxony... but be prepared that you may not get a conclusive anything to work with. I have asked my mum about many things but often I get a 'I don't remember that' or just a flat out denial that something happened...
So on the basis that maybe asking her might not solve anything maybe counselling would be a good option. Or AA.
I think it is hard to accept that our parents aren't infallible, but it's true x
So on the basis that maybe asking her might not solve anything maybe counselling would be a good option. Or AA.
I think it is hard to accept that our parents aren't infallible, but it's true x
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Thanks for the replys so far.
I think the bottom line for me is. Yes I love my mum and don't want to hurt her, but what I want to know is not really hurting her per se, just asking for some answers, that I have to live with, I think that is where my quandary lies. Is talking about the past going to hurt her or should she be prepared to answer questions about the past that hurt me to this day?
hypochondriac, it is a straight forward question, about one event, she can't deny it happned, it changed our lives the day after. But yes I agree with the "parents aren't infallible" which is why I kind of have a problem with asking as I am sure she did what she thought was right at the time. I think thats my problem. I can't, having children now, for the life of me understand what she she did or rather didn't do.
Anyways! Dee, it's better than it sounds from this post, working on it still though x
I think the bottom line for me is. Yes I love my mum and don't want to hurt her, but what I want to know is not really hurting her per se, just asking for some answers, that I have to live with, I think that is where my quandary lies. Is talking about the past going to hurt her or should she be prepared to answer questions about the past that hurt me to this day?
hypochondriac, it is a straight forward question, about one event, she can't deny it happned, it changed our lives the day after. But yes I agree with the "parents aren't infallible" which is why I kind of have a problem with asking as I am sure she did what she thought was right at the time. I think thats my problem. I can't, having children now, for the life of me understand what she she did or rather didn't do.
Anyways! Dee, it's better than it sounds from this post, working on it still though x
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The elephant in the room. I know what you mean.
What would a spiritual person with a good healthy self-respect and dignity do ...?? Don't ask me, I'm not one of those !!
The fact that you carry this "issue" with you and your mum sought therapy may mean that it's time to address the elephant in an honest and real way without blame or extreme actions/reactions. This is what happened, let's acknowledge it in it's entirety, and move on in love and respect.... let's call it what it was and put it behind us.
Would it be uncomfortable to do this?... undoubtedly. Would it be a relief and riddance of a roadblock?..... I believe so.
One should be able to ask their mother/parent/teacher etc. for clarification and explanation, that's how we grow and mature. It's how we feel "part of".
Elephants in the room keep us separated.
If she is upset it is because of her unwillingness/inability to deal with it, should you suffer because she can't face the fact? Could you make an appointment with her therapist to discuss your question?.... that would clear up a lot of indecision on whether to approach the subject or not.
As I see it there will be pain in this issue either way. One way the pain will enable healing and the other way the pain will just continue the elephant to continue to rule.
All the best.
Bob R
What would a spiritual person with a good healthy self-respect and dignity do ...?? Don't ask me, I'm not one of those !!
The fact that you carry this "issue" with you and your mum sought therapy may mean that it's time to address the elephant in an honest and real way without blame or extreme actions/reactions. This is what happened, let's acknowledge it in it's entirety, and move on in love and respect.... let's call it what it was and put it behind us.
Would it be uncomfortable to do this?... undoubtedly. Would it be a relief and riddance of a roadblock?..... I believe so.
One should be able to ask their mother/parent/teacher etc. for clarification and explanation, that's how we grow and mature. It's how we feel "part of".
Elephants in the room keep us separated.
If she is upset it is because of her unwillingness/inability to deal with it, should you suffer because she can't face the fact? Could you make an appointment with her therapist to discuss your question?.... that would clear up a lot of indecision on whether to approach the subject or not.
As I see it there will be pain in this issue either way. One way the pain will enable healing and the other way the pain will just continue the elephant to continue to rule.
All the best.
Bob R
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I think it's worth talking to her about it. It sounds like something you'll wonder about forever and she's the only one who can give you an answer. It's something that may bring you both closure or at least clear the air about the subject, and probably something you both have been carrying for years. You could approach it like you need to talk about it to get it out, and not put her on the defensive. Expect strong emotions if it's been buried for all this time, but it may be healing and it sounds like something you need to get past. If she cannot respond, or tries to bury the subject in denial, then it may be time to go to a counselor to help you sort it all out and forgive her. Good luck!
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Dear Saxony,
if my experience is anything to go by I chose the therapy route. There are many things that I would have liked to ask my Mum but therapy showed me that even if I did ask , the answers I would get I probably know already through common sense and all it would do would be to make her feel even more guilty and I would rather she didn't. I know it's hard to let go of the past, but you can do it if you want, for you.
if my experience is anything to go by I chose the therapy route. There are many things that I would have liked to ask my Mum but therapy showed me that even if I did ask , the answers I would get I probably know already through common sense and all it would do would be to make her feel even more guilty and I would rather she didn't. I know it's hard to let go of the past, but you can do it if you want, for you.
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What 2granddaughters said... Exactly what he said.
If done with love and good intentions, you might help her more than you help yourself... But perhaps, you should talk with a close trusted advisor first, someone who you can trust with the specifics... someone who can throw the red flag if it needs to be...
If done with love and good intentions, you might help her more than you help yourself... But perhaps, you should talk with a close trusted advisor first, someone who you can trust with the specifics... someone who can throw the red flag if it needs to be...
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Thank you all for replying to me.
I've had an odd day since I wrote this this morning! I talked with my brother, who was there at the time, but I've not heard/talked to him in at least 4 years, but his version of events is different to what I was told by the police. Maybe he was just making it up to make me feel better but, I'm just going to let it go, whether my brother was telling the truth I don't know, but if I believe him then I'm done I can let it go and move on, so I'm going with that.
I've had an odd day since I wrote this this morning! I talked with my brother, who was there at the time, but I've not heard/talked to him in at least 4 years, but his version of events is different to what I was told by the police. Maybe he was just making it up to make me feel better but, I'm just going to let it go, whether my brother was telling the truth I don't know, but if I believe him then I'm done I can let it go and move on, so I'm going with that.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
i think a lot of us look for closure when what we really want is to learn how to let go. closure means there's an end. it's over. is it really over? do our feelings about the situation stop because of some explanation, good or bad? mine never have. i've found that when i finally let go of something that's been bothering me, stop searching for closure or resolution i feel a bit better. it's not perfect but few things are.
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