Lost3000

Hm, well. So my ex-boyfriend from over a decade ago is now at my AA mtgs. At first, I freaked. I spoke to my sponsor about it, to see if my feelings were normal. She thinks so. But I'd love to hear what you all think as well. See, my recovery has many tools in the toolbox, and SR is one of them.

I had all kinds of crazy feelings/thoughts. What if he's been sober for years now and I'm the newbie (ugh, don't want that!!). What if he's a down and out drunk and just now got sober? What if he walks up to me?

I certainly didn't want to share now that he's sitting there! It's like my private little world just got invaded and now it's not so private!!

Then came the fantasies. How his life has been since we split. Maybe he got married and had a million children. Maybe he's been married several times over and can't keep the marriage together due to his drinking. Maybe he's been alone all this time. Maybe he's been in and out of jail all this time.

Well, today, one fantasy came true -- he's been court ordered to attend. I saw him getting the chair's signature. Well, that realization didn't bring me any pleasure. It's a bummer that he's being court ordered, because it means he's involved with the law somehow.

Anyway, I almost shared today because I'm getting a little bit more comfortable with it.

What are all of your thoughts on this topic??

PaperDolls

I don't have any experience with it but I have a feeling my initial reaction would be just like yours.

Lost3000

LOL, thanks PD - it's always nice to know that I'm not crazy!! Well, with this situation anyhow.

doggonecarl

I think you should walk up to him tell him about the blessings you've received getting sober and tell him you hope he embraces this chance at recovery.

or not...

Lost3000

Well, all I can give you at this point is the promise of seriously considering what you are saying. I am not sure I can do that though. I don't really know why either. So I'll give it some thought.

mfanch

Same thing happened to me. He walked up to me after the meeting and said "you don't remember me, do you?" I obviously did not. He stated his name and you could have knocked me over with a feather. We dated 21 years ago, and I broke up with him because "omg he was actually shooting dope, not just snorting it". Little did I know I would do the same thing (it was just a "yet"). lol

onlythetruth

I think most people would be a bit unsettled to see an old boyfriend in any venue. I am pretty sure I would!

The only thing I thought of when you mentioned sharing about it was...this is probably something to share with your sponsor, rather than at a meeting, and definitely not at a meeting where he is present.

Lost3000

mfanch: I actually had that thought, that he might not remember me. But he looks exactly the same, and I pretty much do too...

I broke up with him because I thought he was such a drunk, but not me!! LOL.

Lost3000

Oh! I didn't mean sharing about IT, I meant that my thoughts were, no way am I sharing today, because I was so uncomfortable. My sponsor sat right next to me today, I usually see her there, so that was a good support for me. She knows all about it.

OK, so I'm not a freak for feeling a bit off kilter when he walked in!

PaperDolls

Dude, just tell him that!

How long ago did you date?

Sapling

He might still be....He could be just working off a DUI.

2granddaughters

Don't let his presence jeopardize your AA recovery. He's just a "hangover" from 10 yrs ago, nothing more.

Enjoy your meetings, keep growing in AA. You will be glad you did.

All the best.

Bob R

Sasha4

I go to a meeting where there is a woman who works in my local supermarket.

I like bumping into her when I am doing my shopping. Makes me feel better somehow - I don't know why. Maybe it's comforting to know I am with someone who is fighting the same battle - even though it's only a few minutes.

We always smile knowingly and the 'how are you doing' is said with much more care and feeling than if it were just a normal customer and cashier.

I quite like it.
I would never disclose how I know her. I hope she would not either about me.

Maybe if it was a long time ago and your both cool, you could catch up?

Lost3000

Thanks everyone - he's not going to get in the middle of my recovery. I think it's been longer since we dated, more like 15 years?? Just forever it seems like. A whole 'nother life!

And PD, no way am I going to tell him that!!! LOL Like Sapling said, and I agree, it's been one of my thoughts too, he could just be there to work off the DUI and in 30 days poof! he'll be outta there. Honestly, he doesn't seem too thrilled to be there. Spends his time writing in a notebook, not really paying attention.

Maybe something someone says will sink in.

Lost3000

I've run into others at the grocery store and whatnot, and yeah, that is totally cool to see them in the real world and know I'm not alone.

But no, we didn't split amicably and he doesn't appear to be "cool" at all. Maybe it's because he's being forced to go in there. I'm hoping that attitude will change.

FlyerFan

I agree with Bob on this one. Just picture him as "another face" in the room and try to forget that you two ever had a personal connection. You have every right to feel comfortable sharing in that room and you should! You will feel tons better when you do.

I felt this way about sharing when I attended a few meetings with a co-worker, but after a few, I said "hey you know what, this guy is here for the same damn reason, so I shouldn't feel weird about what I want to share" and I share now in front of him, and we never talk about it outside of the room unless it's mutually wanted.

BadCompany

Yep, ran into a couple of exes in aa one was my high school sweetheart. Yep it was awkward.

Lost3000

Well, the thing is....now I have it in my head that he's being forced to go there. Not that he's down and out and decided to get sober. He doesn't want to be there, probably thinks the whole thing is ridiculous, and likely wants nothing to do with me. To approach him, yikes. But I did almost share today. I'm such a slow learner.

fogsolo

I could see how initially it would be awkward to run in to an ex at a meeting. Oddly, I've prayed for one of them several times when asked to have a moment of silence for the alcoholic who is still suffering. Good for you for not letting him coming to your meetings detract from your recovery. It sets a good example for someone who is new to recovery (me). -k

Lost3000

Well, I do have hope for him. He just showed up, so maybe if he keeps coming back something will click. Today I thought, maybe if I share something, but be sure to leave out hot topics (my husband for one), maybe that'll help him relax and see we are all there for the same reason.