Ex-BF at AA Mtg!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Lost--
I did not think you gave out his last name. My understanding was that if one attended the same meeting as someone they knew from outside the rooms, that would constitute a breach.
I never thought you did anything wrong--but I was taught early on that people should not be attending the same meetings if they knew each other from the "real world." I used the last name issue as an example---since sponsors are not supposed to reveal their last names to sponsees, then a prior relationship would mean you two should not be in the same group.
Others here have said that this is not the case.
So much of what is said on SR goes against what I was told---but I have to say what I hear on this site makes a LOT more sense than what I was told when I was in the rooms.
I did not think you gave out his last name. My understanding was that if one attended the same meeting as someone they knew from outside the rooms, that would constitute a breach.
I never thought you did anything wrong--but I was taught early on that people should not be attending the same meetings if they knew each other from the "real world." I used the last name issue as an example---since sponsors are not supposed to reveal their last names to sponsees, then a prior relationship would mean you two should not be in the same group.
Others here have said that this is not the case.
So much of what is said on SR goes against what I was told---but I have to say what I hear on this site makes a LOT more sense than what I was told when I was in the rooms.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by miamifella 
Thanks. Back when I was in the program I was told that we were supposed to be anonymous all around and never give our last names to people in meetings etc. I was told that if we were not anonymous, we would not be able to speak freely.
It seemed like something that was violated all the time, so it never made sense but I never got a straight answer on this.
It seemed like something that was violated all the time, so it never made sense but I never got a straight answer on this.
ok, i think its time to study the traditions. 11 and 12, where anonymity is mentioned, are dealing with outside of AA. there is very good info on this in the 12&12.
in AA, i give my last name with my phone number. i also ask for last names of people i get phone numbers from, but very rarely have to ask for the last name as they are given freely. if i hear someone is in the hospital and i go visit, i dont think they could locate john d.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Miamifella))))
I have to ask if your experience in some of the meetings in Miami?? I ask
because last year I was in Miami a few times for several days each time,
and when I am in a city where I have not attended meetings before I like
to go to some just to see how they may differ from what I am used to.
Well I got some real good 'gasps' when asked for any visitors, and I would
say my name, my WHOLE NAME, then that I am an alcoholic and that I
was visiting from and give my city and state.
So after I heard the 'gasps', I do catch on quickly, and being the 'stubborn'
alkie that I am to this day, roflmao I made sure that at every meeting I
attended and introduced myself as a visitor I would use my WHOLE NAME
and give the city and state where I was from. I hope I didn't give any of
them a heart attack!
yes, individual meetings are different and they can give out erroneous
information, however there is a web site and an 800 phone number to call
and confirm something you have been told.
Like has been said over and over on this web site, we have to put our
hand out for 'help', but sometimes it is better to 'wait a bit' and look for
the 'winners' at a meeting, those are the folks that 'walk' (live their life
using the 12 Steps) like they 'talk.' Those are the ones to get close to,
that will help one immensely.
As to anonymity that is at the LEVEL of PRESS, RADIO, TV, and FILMS,
NOT in a meeting. As to seeing an X or a friend or acquaintance in a
meeting, I smile at them if they are looking my way, and go sit where
I normally sit. Yes sometimes I am more generic when I share if one
of the above is in one of my meetings, but I feel that is okay until I see
if they are going to stick around or are just ordered by the court. If
they come up to me, I greet them with a smile and ask how they are
doing, and keep the conversation generic.
Again, Miamifella I am sorry you had such a rotten introduction to AA!!!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I have to ask if your experience in some of the meetings in Miami?? I ask
because last year I was in Miami a few times for several days each time,
and when I am in a city where I have not attended meetings before I like
to go to some just to see how they may differ from what I am used to.
Well I got some real good 'gasps' when asked for any visitors, and I would
say my name, my WHOLE NAME, then that I am an alcoholic and that I
was visiting from and give my city and state.
So after I heard the 'gasps', I do catch on quickly, and being the 'stubborn'
alkie that I am to this day, roflmao I made sure that at every meeting I
attended and introduced myself as a visitor I would use my WHOLE NAME
and give the city and state where I was from. I hope I didn't give any of
them a heart attack!
yes, individual meetings are different and they can give out erroneous
information, however there is a web site and an 800 phone number to call
and confirm something you have been told.
Like has been said over and over on this web site, we have to put our
hand out for 'help', but sometimes it is better to 'wait a bit' and look for
the 'winners' at a meeting, those are the folks that 'walk' (live their life
using the 12 Steps) like they 'talk.' Those are the ones to get close to,
that will help one immensely.
As to anonymity that is at the LEVEL of PRESS, RADIO, TV, and FILMS,
NOT in a meeting. As to seeing an X or a friend or acquaintance in a
meeting, I smile at them if they are looking my way, and go sit where
I normally sit. Yes sometimes I am more generic when I share if one
of the above is in one of my meetings, but I feel that is okay until I see
if they are going to stick around or are just ordered by the court. If
they come up to me, I greet them with a smile and ask how they are
doing, and keep the conversation generic.
Again, Miamifella I am sorry you had such a rotten introduction to AA!!!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Thank you Laurie--
It was in 2000 when I was introduced to AA and 12-step fellowships. With limited internet access and without all the pamphlets that are out there now, it was hard to get reliable information about the program. I had no reason to question a sponsor who said he could not give his last name--and even if I did, I would have nothing to back up the challenge to his assertion.
I left after 7 years. One of the really great things here is to finally get answers on practices and ideas that I did not understand when I was in the program, and to help people who have a lot of the same issues in the program that I had. I thought I was crazy or stupid--and I hate to see others feel the same way about themselves.
It was in 2000 when I was introduced to AA and 12-step fellowships. With limited internet access and without all the pamphlets that are out there now, it was hard to get reliable information about the program. I had no reason to question a sponsor who said he could not give his last name--and even if I did, I would have nothing to back up the challenge to his assertion.
I left after 7 years. One of the really great things here is to finally get answers on practices and ideas that I did not understand when I was in the program, and to help people who have a lot of the same issues in the program that I had. I thought I was crazy or stupid--and I hate to see others feel the same way about themselves.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Lost,
I think it's totally normal for you to be a bit weirded out by your Ex's presence but remember ... it is not your job to help him. He is being exposed to the program, which is why he is court ordered. Either he will be attracted to it or he will not (remember the 11th tradition). I would suggest keeping a respectful distance, act as you normally would, and let it go.
I think it's totally normal for you to be a bit weirded out by your Ex's presence but remember ... it is not your job to help him. He is being exposed to the program, which is why he is court ordered. Either he will be attracted to it or he will not (remember the 11th tradition). I would suggest keeping a respectful distance, act as you normally would, and let it go.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by miamifella
Thanks. Back when I was in the program I was told that we were supposed to be anonymous all around and never give our last names to people in meetings etc. I was told that if we were not anonymous, we would not be able to speak freely.
It seemed like something that was violated all the time, so it never made sense but I never got a straight answer on this.
It seemed like something that was violated all the time, so it never made sense but I never got a straight answer on this.
I have also let some trusted friends know that I am in AA, but that is my anonymity to break - I would never break yours. I did my first 12th step call from a friend who knew I was in AA and wanted to know if I could help his co-worker.
If we take anonymity to the level where we cannot be helpful to the still suffering alcoholic or each other, that is also in violation of several traditions and step 12.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by miamifella
Lost--
I did not think you gave out his last name. My understanding was that if one attended the same meeting as someone they knew from outside the rooms, that would constitute a breach.
I never thought you did anything wrong--but I was taught early on that people should not be attending the same meetings if they knew each other from the "real world." I used the last name issue as an example---since sponsors are not supposed to reveal their last names to sponsees, then a prior relationship would mean you two should not be in the same group.
Others here have said that this is not the case.
So much of what is said on SR goes against what I was told---but I have to say what I hear on this site makes a LOT more sense than what I was told when I was in the rooms.
I did not think you gave out his last name. My understanding was that if one attended the same meeting as someone they knew from outside the rooms, that would constitute a breach.
I never thought you did anything wrong--but I was taught early on that people should not be attending the same meetings if they knew each other from the "real world." I used the last name issue as an example---since sponsors are not supposed to reveal their last names to sponsees, then a prior relationship would mean you two should not be in the same group.
Others here have said that this is not the case.
So much of what is said on SR goes against what I was told---but I have to say what I hear on this site makes a LOT more sense than what I was told when I was in the rooms.
Does that make sense?
Also, we all know each other's last names, my sponsor included, because we email a ton. I'm FB friends with just a select few. I'd also like to mention that these folks are all old-timers.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by onlythetruth
Lost,
I think it's totally normal for you to be a bit weirded out by your Ex's presence but remember ... it is not your job to help him. He is being exposed to the program, which is why he is court ordered. Either he will be attracted to it or he will not (remember the 11th tradition). I would suggest keeping a respectful distance, act as you normally would, and let it go.
I think it's totally normal for you to be a bit weirded out by your Ex's presence but remember ... it is not your job to help him. He is being exposed to the program, which is why he is court ordered. Either he will be attracted to it or he will not (remember the 11th tradition). I would suggest keeping a respectful distance, act as you normally would, and let it go.
Of course, I don't buy his act, because we dated for almost a year, and lived together in the same apt. I just can't see how you could forget that. It was 16 years ago, but still.
Anyway, we chatted a bit. He asked for my number which I gave. And then he asked if I was drinking/drugging. I thought that was a really weird question. I told him no, that I quit Jan. 1. He looked amazed and that kind of made me feel good.
Anyhow, I probably should have done this in the beginning. Because now I feel we are both more comfortable being in there. I guess this is just more of life coming my way! I'm glad to be able to do this sober, with a clear mind. I feel that I'm actually maturing!!!!
LOL!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
Just a note from someone who has had to get those papers signed by the chair person.. don't knock it just because it is court ordered. He is there... and after awhile of being in the rooms it affects you enough... and worms it's way into your heart. Sooner or later you either want it or you don't. He might actually WANT recovery... even though he is being court ordered.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Hi Saliena and thanks. I didn't mean to come across as "knocking" him b/c he's court ordered. I'm sorry I gave off that impression. I do feel it's different than someone like me who wanted to go to AA out of desperation. That's all I was trying to say.
And I know what you mean about AA worming its way in. Once you've been to AA, drinking is never the same!
So I got my wish, which was for him to not be there. But now I'm bummed about it. What the heck!?!?! I can't figure this one out. My first thought was that I shouldn't have said hi to him, because now he's scared and doesn't want to be there with me in there. But of course it's all about me! JOKING. Maybe he had something else going on.
Sobriety is weird in how it affects your thoughts, you know?
And I know what you mean about AA worming its way in. Once you've been to AA, drinking is never the same!
So I got my wish, which was for him to not be there. But now I'm bummed about it. What the heck!?!?! I can't figure this one out. My first thought was that I shouldn't have said hi to him, because now he's scared and doesn't want to be there with me in there. But of course it's all about me! JOKING. Maybe he had something else going on.
Sobriety is weird in how it affects your thoughts, you know?
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Originally Posted by Lost3000
This was/is disturbing to me. Anyone else have this experience?
He might also have been feeling you out to see if you wanted to drink/drug with him.
Or it might be something else entirely. Impossible to know.
The important thing, though, is that you know what you want for yourself, and you didn't let yourself get too distracted by this situation.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
Sounds like he's messed his head up a lot. You said hello.
Remember the 12 Traditions. Stick with the sober people and work your steps with your sponsor.
He needs to stick with the men. Maybe a seed will be planted and one day he'll "get it."
With love & hugs,
Remember the 12 Traditions. Stick with the sober people and work your steps with your sponsor.
He needs to stick with the men. Maybe a seed will be planted and one day he'll "get it."
With love & hugs,
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Thanks OTT and sugar. I am just having the hardest time at work. I can hardly believe how awful it's gotten for me, and what a major struggle it is. I've pulled out my arsenal of tools, AA, sponsor, steps, relaxation --- and still it's hard. Very hard.
So when he walked in the room, it was almost an added stress. No, it actually was a stress. He wasn't there yesterday, we'll see if he's there today.
And yeah, I felt like maybe he was feeling me out for drinking. It's absolutely not what I'm looking for, and it didn't mess with my drinking head not one tiny iota.
So when he walked in the room, it was almost an added stress. No, it actually was a stress. He wasn't there yesterday, we'll see if he's there today.
And yeah, I felt like maybe he was feeling me out for drinking. It's absolutely not what I'm looking for, and it didn't mess with my drinking head not one tiny iota.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Sapling - nope, haven't heard that one before! I was so stressed out last night, didn't know what to do. So I took my yoga mat out and did some yoga poses. That helped. Whatever it takes, you know?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Ask your sponsor if she's ever heard that...I heard that expression in rehab...And heard it again in AA. It has to do with all that matters with you is inside an invisable hula hoop that surrounds you...Just take care of that.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
