Ex-BF at AA Mtg!!!
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
I think it's completely normal to feel awkward and uncomfortable that he is there. If he were someone you really loved and you were both there because you wanted to get sober I might say destiny was paying a visit. However, that doesn't sound like the situation. If he's required to be there, it will probably be fairly short lived so you may not have to deal with the situation for long. Share whenever and whatever you're comfortable with. He may be feeling even more embarrassed, as he has to be there and you broke up with him over drinking a long time ago and it's still an issue that's screwing up his life. If he does approach you, you may be in a position to help him feel more comfortable being there. Good luck!
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
Originally Posted by Lost3000 
Well, the thing is....now I have it in my head that he's being forced to go there. Not that he's down and out and decided to get sober. He doesn't want to be there, probably thinks the whole thing is ridiculous, and likely wants nothing to do with me. To approach him, yikes. But I did almost share today. I'm such a slow learner.
He is there to get his little paper signed and be on his merry way, right? (my brother is one of those, lol) I agree with Sugar. Focus more on yourself, as much as you can. Or take those anxious thoughts and turn them into something positive like helping another person.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Hey all, I think I'm over most of it. It was just the initial shock. I'm back to concentrating on my own sobriety. Thanks for all the thoughts, especially those who could relate or who made me realize I was having normal reactions!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
hey Lost, I'm a late comer to this thread and glad to hear that you're feeling better about all this.
My ex husband and I divorced several months ago, prior to that I'd lived 2 yrs in another state and we never saw one another during the divorce process. I just moved back to town to be near my daughter and grandson and just now I am having to deal with lots of feelings that didn't smack me in the face when I was far away.
It's not the SAME situation exactly as you are experiencing, but I think the aspect of facing something that has a painful and checkered backround IS similar. There are things I need to process now that I'd just as soon not.
There are challenges of me coming to terms with some things that I didn't expect to feel so strongly about.
But I AM able, with some recovery time behind me, to see it as an opportunity and lesson. Having these things come up actually helps me heal on a deeper level, and grow, and move on from aspects that I still had some ties to, even though I didn't realize it.
None of that makes it easy, but I am choosing to make it purposeful. I don't know if my ex is drinking etc, but it is clear that he's not doing particularly well and that my return is very difficult for him, even though we barely see one another.
Our son was married last month and we both attended the wedding and his behavior towards me truly shocked me.
Has your ex acknowledged you at all? I would think that both his NOT acknowledging you OR his acknowledging you might both be challenging, but in different ways.
My ex husband and I divorced several months ago, prior to that I'd lived 2 yrs in another state and we never saw one another during the divorce process. I just moved back to town to be near my daughter and grandson and just now I am having to deal with lots of feelings that didn't smack me in the face when I was far away.
It's not the SAME situation exactly as you are experiencing, but I think the aspect of facing something that has a painful and checkered backround IS similar. There are things I need to process now that I'd just as soon not.
There are challenges of me coming to terms with some things that I didn't expect to feel so strongly about.
But I AM able, with some recovery time behind me, to see it as an opportunity and lesson. Having these things come up actually helps me heal on a deeper level, and grow, and move on from aspects that I still had some ties to, even though I didn't realize it.
None of that makes it easy, but I am choosing to make it purposeful. I don't know if my ex is drinking etc, but it is clear that he's not doing particularly well and that my return is very difficult for him, even though we barely see one another.
Our son was married last month and we both attended the wedding and his behavior towards me truly shocked me.
Has your ex acknowledged you at all? I would think that both his NOT acknowledging you OR his acknowledging you might both be challenging, but in different ways.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Would this situation considered to be compromising to anonymity? I heard that situations like this this would be considered a breach---but I also noticed that the inner circle of one group I attended was made up of people who seem to have partied with each other before recovery.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: MA
Posts: 269
I'd feel weird too probably, depending on the ex. I have seen a few people who I know at AA. I like seeing familiar faces actually. Ironically, I've been running into the owner of the liquor store I used to frequent! lol
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by Threshold
Has your ex acknowledged you at all? I would think that both his NOT acknowledging you OR his acknowledging you might both be challenging, but in different ways.
He has not acknowledged me, but neither have I. I've made a point of not looking his way and I think he's doing the same. Since he's obviously going to have to go for another 30 days, I'm sure I'll be seeing him again.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by miamifella
Would this situation considered to be compromising to anonymity? I heard that situations like this this would be considered a breach---but I also noticed that the inner circle of one group I attended was made up of people who seem to have partied with each other before recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Thanks. Back when I was in the program I was told that we were supposed to be anonymous all around and never give our last names to people in meetings etc. I was told that if we were not anonymous, we would not be able to speak freely.
It seemed like something that was violated all the time, so it never made sense but I never got a straight answer on this.
It seemed like something that was violated all the time, so it never made sense but I never got a straight answer on this.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by miamifella
Thanks. Back when I was in the program I was told that we were supposed to be anonymous all around and never give our last names to people in meetings etc. I was told that if we were not anonymous, we would not be able to speak freely.
It seemed like something that was violated all the time, so it never made sense but I never got a straight answer on this.
It seemed like something that was violated all the time, so it never made sense but I never got a straight answer on this.
I opted out of sharing that and some people seemed offended but I was there for recovery, not to make a lot of new bffs. Some people told me that I was being standoffish, and how did I expect to get recovery if I didn't really get involved. I went to meetings, did service work, called people, had a sponsor, but no, I don't think I have to divulge details of my life to others to prove I am "one of the gang".
I was in NA, and I didn't really feel like I wanted a bunch of addicts..sorry but some of us were still using or would go back to using, to know where I worked, details about my family, where i lived etc. Not the most trustworthy bunch of people. Some people feel that's judgemental. I think it's just honest.
A lot of people were pissed that I didn't want them as FB friends. I was uncomfortable with feeling pressured to make my home group my social club and my fellow meeting goers my "friends". Nor do I feel I can "trust" someone just because they are in NA.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Threshhold--
I never understood any of this. My sponsors were not allowed to give me their last names, I was not supposed to attend a meeting if someone I knew was there, but old drinking/drugging buddies could be at the same meeting.
I have said it before, I think newcomers do not need a sponsor so much as someone who can explain the program and all the codes of behavior. Before SR, I never was able to get clarity on any of this.
I never understood any of this. My sponsors were not allowed to give me their last names, I was not supposed to attend a meeting if someone I knew was there, but old drinking/drugging buddies could be at the same meeting.
I have said it before, I think newcomers do not need a sponsor so much as someone who can explain the program and all the codes of behavior. Before SR, I never was able to get clarity on any of this.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Miamifella, who is creating rules at your meetings? My sponsor gives full name where ever they are! There are no rules about last names at a meeting, it's a personal choice. Most of the people around me tell their full name and say it when they share. I believe they show they have nothing to hide today. Now that's a change for us alkies!
My sponsor reminds me that today, "I am an open book."
I have nothing to hide, but I don't sit in a meeting telling specific details of my life.
Living as an open book is freeing!
I guess I don't live in embarrassment, shame or guilt today and if they come up, I work to get through them.
I'm not an open book on facebook, most of those people don't really know me well, so I don't spout AA or sobriety on there, but I do have some friends who inadvertently type things about themselves.....
My sponsor reminds me that today, "I am an open book."
I have nothing to hide, but I don't sit in a meeting telling specific details of my life.
Living as an open book is freeing!
I guess I don't live in embarrassment, shame or guilt today and if they come up, I work to get through them.
I'm not an open book on facebook, most of those people don't really know me well, so I don't spout AA or sobriety on there, but I do have some friends who inadvertently type things about themselves.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Threshold
I had some issues with this as well. I mean, of course I ran into people I knew from the outside in meetings, because in a small city, it's sort of a given. I never "outed" anyone, and I don't know if anyone "outed" me or not. I never saw evidence of that...BUT I was uncomfortable with how many people asked me where I worked, etc etc. Or where I lived...that sort of thing that I felt was pretty odd given we were supposed to be a first name only level of anonymity.
I opted out of sharing that and some people seemed offended but I was there for recovery, not to make a lot of new bffs. Some people told me that I was being standoffish, and how did I expect to get recovery if I didn't really get involved. I went to meetings, did service work, called people, had a sponsor, but no, I don't think I have to divulge details of my life to others to prove I am "one of the gang".
I was in NA, and I didn't really feel like I wanted a bunch of addicts..sorry but some of us were still using or would go back to using, to know where I worked, details about my family, where i lived etc. Not the most trustworthy bunch of people. Some people feel that's judgemental. I think it's just honest.
A lot of people were pissed that I didn't want them as FB friends. I was uncomfortable with feeling pressured to make my home group my social club and my fellow meeting goers my "friends". Nor do I feel I can "trust" someone just because they are in NA.
I opted out of sharing that and some people seemed offended but I was there for recovery, not to make a lot of new bffs. Some people told me that I was being standoffish, and how did I expect to get recovery if I didn't really get involved. I went to meetings, did service work, called people, had a sponsor, but no, I don't think I have to divulge details of my life to others to prove I am "one of the gang".
I was in NA, and I didn't really feel like I wanted a bunch of addicts..sorry but some of us were still using or would go back to using, to know where I worked, details about my family, where i lived etc. Not the most trustworthy bunch of people. Some people feel that's judgemental. I think it's just honest.
A lot of people were pissed that I didn't want them as FB friends. I was uncomfortable with feeling pressured to make my home group my social club and my fellow meeting goers my "friends". Nor do I feel I can "trust" someone just because they are in NA.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Maybe "rules" is the wrong word, but I was always told that in 12-step programs things are done a certain way. No crosstalk, personal anonymity, live in the solution, etc.
I have never heard anyone give their full name in a share and would thought that was against the principle of personal anonymity.
It becomes clearer and clearer that there is a lot of variation in how different groups handle things.
I have never heard anyone give their full name in a share and would thought that was against the principle of personal anonymity.
It becomes clearer and clearer that there is a lot of variation in how different groups handle things.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Since AA began and meetings started around the world, AA has had it's differences. Each meeting had it's own little way of doing things, which is how AA has been able to help the variety of people who are drawn to it.
It's awesome to know that this program is flexible enough for all who enter it's rooms. It's also why and how the steps work in so many ways.....there is not a right or wrong way of working the steps.....there is no single higher power, it's unique for each of us.
Have a wonderful sober day!! (I'm not trying to hijack this thread from the OP's situation).
I've run into old friends at meetings, saying "hello" and showing them that there are no problems when I'm inside the meeting shows that the Traditions are alive and well and work when you work them!
My primary purpose is to help a newcomer and to share the message that AA works, I have no opinions on why people are there, I engage in no controversy....
The Traditions help me a lot at work and with relationships, when I put them into practice!
It's awesome to know that this program is flexible enough for all who enter it's rooms. It's also why and how the steps work in so many ways.....there is not a right or wrong way of working the steps.....there is no single higher power, it's unique for each of us.
Have a wonderful sober day!! (I'm not trying to hijack this thread from the OP's situation).I've run into old friends at meetings, saying "hello" and showing them that there are no problems when I'm inside the meeting shows that the Traditions are alive and well and work when you work them!
My primary purpose is to help a newcomer and to share the message that AA works, I have no opinions on why people are there, I engage in no controversy....
The Traditions help me a lot at work and with relationships, when I put them into practice!
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by miamifella
Thanks. Back when I was in the program I was told that we were supposed to be anonymous all around and never give our last names to people in meetings etc. I was told that if we were not anonymous, we would not be able to speak freely.
It seemed like something that was violated all the time, so it never made sense but I never got a straight answer on this.
It seemed like something that was violated all the time, so it never made sense but I never got a straight answer on this.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by Threshold
...BUT I was uncomfortable with how many people asked me where I worked, etc etc. Or where I lived...that sort of thing that I felt was pretty odd given we were supposed to be a first name only level of anonymity.
Not the most trustworthy bunch of people. Some people feel that's judgemental. I think it's just honest.
Not the most trustworthy bunch of people. Some people feel that's judgemental. I think it's just honest.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Interesting side topic on the "rules" of AA. I have been giving it a ton of thought since the arrival of my ex. His presence is still driving me CRAZY. I tried to look his way today, but I don't think he's feeling receptive. I'm trying to be open about it and not run him out. That's NOT my intention at all. I don't know how else to make him feel welcome. I suppose I could approach him? I just don't know what to say beyond "hi"!!!!!
Anyway, I spoke today. But it was very short. I just couldn't say much. I guess I'm progressing a little.
Anyway, I spoke today. But it was very short. I just couldn't say much. I guess I'm progressing a little.
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