Trusting myself

Old 09-13-2012, 03:24 AM
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Trusting myself

I'm sitting here in at 6 am writing in my journal about how proud I am of myself to be on day16 of not drinking, and I truly am. But the truth is, that I'm scared to death that I'm going to ruin this for myself. Between the hours of 4 and 6pm...a small 2 hour desire to drink supercedes any rational thought, any knowledge I have of this disease, any strategy I have to over come a craving, and I don't trust myself. Each day during these hours, I pretty much tell myself that I'm going to drink. I plan it out, and I convince myself that it will be ok, and even that I can keep counting days, because 2 beers wont' really matter anyway (REALLY?).

I swear it's like my mind, my craving, takes on a life of it's own. I have managed to overcome those thoughts for 15 days, but I feel like my defeat is just looming out there, and it's inevitable. Right now, at 6am, and for the other 22 hours of the day, I am perfectly happy and content not drinking. I feel and see the benefits, and I accept the fact that my mind and body cannot handle alcohol anymore, that it is pure poison for my life.

In the past 2 weeks, my confidence and self-esteem has begun to soar. I have taken on new challenges at work, I am close to being hired for a short-term, yet VERY well-paying second job, I am dealing with an ex that I am still in love with in a mature rational manner without getting crazy emotionally, I am more organized, my children are happy, and I can actually stand to look at myself in the mirror. NONE of those things can occur when I'm drinking. I can barely handle just regular life when I"m drinking, sneaking,planning, and dealing with hangovers.

I have gotten through those cravings the past two weeks mostly by riding them out, cooking, eating (maybe even slightly overeating), and just procrastinating my "drinking plan", until it passes. Very simply, it is so strong, that I just don't trust myself, and I am actually finding it hard to enjoy the benefits right now because I am so concerned that I can't keep doing this.

AA is simply not an option for me right now, but I do appreciate those suggestions because I know that is the anser from some . I really don't know what I'm asking for, I guess besides other suggestions or support, because I really, really want to stay sober. And I feel desparate. And scared. I know there is so much success here on SR and so much understanding and knowledge, that I feel like reaching out is one way I can try to help this situation. And, I would like to know, do these feelings/cravings ever end???
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Old 09-13-2012, 03:33 AM
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This to shall pass. The desire does goes away. sometimes quickly sometimes slowly
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Old 09-13-2012, 03:34 AM
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Between 4-6pm?
a short 120 mins. Think of it that way. Schedule something pleasant if you can, a pedicure, shopping, a haircut, even laundry, errands exercise. Be proud of the accomplishments.
If i only had to worry about 2 hours a day of craving, id be doing cartwheels.
Which would look ridicules and id prolly fall on my face!
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Old 09-13-2012, 04:19 AM
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Hello, forabetterlife. Good for you on those 16 days.

I've been sober over five months and I don't get cravings any more. The more you ride them out, the less frequent they become. Have you heard of AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique)? It's basically what you're doing - recognising a craving for what it is and letting it pass... not arguing with it. It may help you, though, just to take a look at it - I found it revolutionary. There's a crash course online if you fancy it. Also, there's a discussion about it over on the secular connections board, lots of people there who know what they're talking about!

Keep going - it does get easier and the benefits just keep coming
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Old 09-13-2012, 04:39 AM
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Good morning FABL: I can identify because my cravings are intense, but you have 16 wonderful days to be proud of. I have no special words of wisdom except to keep fighting them. Like someone else said, 2 hours isn't that long, definitely manageable if you try with all your might!!! Stay strong!!!
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Old 09-13-2012, 04:39 AM
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"AA is simply not an option for me right now"
Don't wait till AA is the only option, by then it may be too late?

Trusting Myself
"Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse." AA Big Book pg. 68

I always get in trouble when I am self-reliant, all humility goes out the window along with my gratitude for this great gift of sobriety.
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Old 09-13-2012, 05:10 AM
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ForabetterLife, congratulations to you on your decision to get sober. It's been 16 days already for you, and that is an accomplishment. We both read daily about folks who haven't yet been able to come to that realization and understanding that you have reached. Well done.

I was the same way at first, part of me wanted to let go and drink again, and part of me knew that staying sober was the only way for me to go forward, that I was never going to drink again.

I made the sober brain stronger and the drunk brain weaker by realizing that the drunk brain has no power, it has no ability to reason or make decisions or to choose actions. I keep all of that stuff to myself. The cravings and urges are just noises from the alcoholic voice and I can choose to accept that they will appear sometimes and to leave them alone if I want to.

Anyway, this is what I did in my early days before I found SR. When I came here, I learned that many others here have learned to quit and stay quit doing the same thing sort of thing, separating themselves from their alcoholic voice. I read about AVRT at the Rational Recovery website, and looked at the 'crash course', and I am sober now for over a year.

It has worked very well for me, and I like knowing that I am not powerless. The confidence and self esteem that you feel now can be the power behind your vow to keep reaping the benefits of your new life.

I hear some doubt though when you say that you are afraid you will drink again. This is your addiction that is afraid, not you, it's afraid you won't drink again and is telling you that you can't do this. Any thought of ever drinking again, or self doubt just like what you described, is from your alcoholic voice, not you.

Look at the Secular Connections forum for more discussion about this. Or send me a pm, I'll be happy to discuss this with you some more if you like. You are all you need to get sober, you have that power within you already. There really is a better life for you, and you can have it.
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Old 09-13-2012, 05:13 AM
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Great that you quit drinking and are feeling positive changes. With 16 days sober, your brain and your body are on the road to operating without the drag of adjusting to alcohol consumption. I had the same sort of late afternoon window for craving. At first I did not have the energy to add in other activities to replace the drinking so I napped or took a warm bath. Gradually over a couple of months the pattern was broken. Now that time of day signals it is time to take a long walk with my dogs. Or make phone calls to friends and family. I love it that the sober evening that follows allows time for serious reading that is remembered the next day. Relish your new power and that voice telling you that failure is possible will be hushed.
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