Other high functioning alcoholics?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
I don't think I've lost any wit or charm, Jake...I don't think I'm boring either...
in fact I think - no actually I *know* - I'm a better package all round
I just needed to get used to being sober first
D
in fact I think - no actually I *know* - I'm a better package all round
I just needed to get used to being sober first
D
Jake, 19
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I don't think I've lost any wit or charm, Jake...I don't think I'm boring either...
in fact I think - no actually I *know* - I'm a better package all round
I just needed to get used to being sober first
D
in fact I think - no actually I *know* - I'm a better package all round
I just needed to get used to being sober first
D
The first few days/weeks of getting sober just tend to suck all of my energy out though - I can't think of anything other than "to drink or not to drink!"
I'm sure it'll come back to me in time, but at the minute not being pissed up means I don't have the courage to say whatever witty/charming phrase comes to my head. I remember my last really successful detox I came back from Corfu after working on an olive farm and staying sober for a few weeks and I had my conversational skills back, and I felt like a new man. Unfortunately someone challenged me to down a bottle of wine in under 10 seconds the same day I returned... I'm hoping once I get some sober days behind me this time I'll find myself in the same position (minus the wine of course!
)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by Lost3000
I totally get that!!! It's why i think I had to go thru what I did in order to finally quit. There's no way it would have worked before. I just hate that others have to go thru that too - and it's dangerous. My life was full of yets. No DUI (yet), no car accident (yet - actually I did have one but literally walked away, it could ahve been much worse). Still have job, husband, house.
I'm still on the path to success, professionally, but this year I got my ass kicked in terms of those "yets" you speak of. I don't think I have any more, except my drinking hasn't physically hurt anyone else. But what once was a simple vice--'I know this is bad for me, but I'm young so I'll deal with it later,' has this year completely taken over the course of my life.
Reading a bit more about alcoholism, I think it's clear that this year, at age 25 I entered the "middle stage." I'm on a definite course to the "late stage."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 540
Very interesting insights and stories. Thank you all. I, too, thought I was "high functioning." Now after reading this thread, I see what a load of crap that was.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease. Now I see how being so-called "high functioning" is just part of the grim progression towards the inevitable end.
Pretty, hang in there. I'm on day 12, felt like crap for the first week, feel much better in week two, but I go from feeling full of energy to edgy and anxious to elated to be sober to depressed over nothing in particular. Crazy mood swings. Plus a headache every day. Can't fall asleep too well either. Little appetite for food of any sort. But I still feel a million times better than when I was drinking. I'm sorry you don't feel any better yet. Our bodies and minds are readjusting to living without a constant infusion of ethanol. It's such a huge adjustment that some people actually die from stopping abruptly, as I'm sure you know. Kind of mind blowing to think about tho. The body needs something it's become addicted to so badly that it will literally die without it. Geez, no wonder I've had a bit of a headache these past days.
Take care and thank you for starting this thread. I have learned a lot from it.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease. Now I see how being so-called "high functioning" is just part of the grim progression towards the inevitable end.
Pretty, hang in there. I'm on day 12, felt like crap for the first week, feel much better in week two, but I go from feeling full of energy to edgy and anxious to elated to be sober to depressed over nothing in particular. Crazy mood swings. Plus a headache every day. Can't fall asleep too well either. Little appetite for food of any sort. But I still feel a million times better than when I was drinking. I'm sorry you don't feel any better yet. Our bodies and minds are readjusting to living without a constant infusion of ethanol. It's such a huge adjustment that some people actually die from stopping abruptly, as I'm sure you know. Kind of mind blowing to think about tho. The body needs something it's become addicted to so badly that it will literally die without it. Geez, no wonder I've had a bit of a headache these past days.
Take care and thank you for starting this thread. I have learned a lot from it.
Last edited by Sobersunshine; 09-15-2012 at 09:33 PM. Reason: Typo
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
I thought I was high functioning too, until I later realized that is an oxymoron, like jumbo shrimp. Using it I realize now was just reflexively keeping up appearances as habit from our drinking days.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Getting there
Posts: 216
For me going to School parent teacher meetings really hit me - especially in the last few yeras I could not help thinking how many people in this room have alcohol free days / can control drinking etc. How can they live life by not drinking? (Maybe some are alcoholics too). Also when my son would have his birthday party each year - I would feel ashamed of myself in presence of other parents, anxious to get away, to hide with a few cold beers in a pub. That inner feeling of disgust that I am hiding a dark secret, that I am faking everything.
I hold down a job (not the best job / not the worst job). Sometimes arriving at work with hangover - how many people could see it? I never drank at work, but could not wait to get my first beer which would be around 4pm - would drink about 6 or 7 (half litres) then home - have another few 0.5 litre bottles. Everyday. Then back to work next day.
My whole day was planned around alcohol. Some weekends I would get up at about 6am just to sink a beer because I was thirsty.
I am only 16 days in - this weekend for some reason I was extremely tired, really sleepy........I slept so much. Today I still feel very tired.
I would interested to know how many people are Universtity educated, have families, hold down a decent job BUT are acholics and hide it.
I hold down a job (not the best job / not the worst job). Sometimes arriving at work with hangover - how many people could see it? I never drank at work, but could not wait to get my first beer which would be around 4pm - would drink about 6 or 7 (half litres) then home - have another few 0.5 litre bottles. Everyday. Then back to work next day.
My whole day was planned around alcohol. Some weekends I would get up at about 6am just to sink a beer because I was thirsty.
I am only 16 days in - this weekend for some reason I was extremely tired, really sleepy........I slept so much. Today I still feel very tired.
I would interested to know how many people are Universtity educated, have families, hold down a decent job BUT are acholics and hide it.
Guest
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
Dejvice,
I did for a very long time but the progression eventually got me. All those people that I thought I was fooling knew all about it for a very long time. As my tolerance grew it would take longer to get to the point of passing out so I could go to bed. Consequently, some mornings I would still be drunk when I went to work. It was fun thinking only I knew I was high. After I finally quit alcohol I began to find out how everyone around my office could tell. They could smell it even on days when I had gone to bed early. After a while it just seems to come oozing out of your pores. I would shower, brush my teeth, shave and cologne but the mixture of cologne and bourbon apparently wasn't all that alluring. I, of course, couldn't smell it but everyone else could. When I was approached with that a year after sobering up I was mightily embarrassed.
However, when I found out pills could get me to a better place and no one could smell them well I was off to the races again!
I did for a very long time but the progression eventually got me. All those people that I thought I was fooling knew all about it for a very long time. As my tolerance grew it would take longer to get to the point of passing out so I could go to bed. Consequently, some mornings I would still be drunk when I went to work. It was fun thinking only I knew I was high. After I finally quit alcohol I began to find out how everyone around my office could tell. They could smell it even on days when I had gone to bed early. After a while it just seems to come oozing out of your pores. I would shower, brush my teeth, shave and cologne but the mixture of cologne and bourbon apparently wasn't all that alluring. I, of course, couldn't smell it but everyone else could. When I was approached with that a year after sobering up I was mightily embarrassed.
However, when I found out pills could get me to a better place and no one could smell them well I was off to the races again!
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
I celebrated my drinking, never hid it as I had such high tolerance I was drinking to stay buzzed but rarely appeared or felt drunk. Being military for more than 20 years and then in a construction company, I cultivated a hard working hard playing persona that was actually real. I was never a drunk, just steadily drinking my first four units fast and then settling down to two or three an hour. I only slurred words once a year accidentally losing track and intentionally slowing down. The problem is that even for non drunks like me who can restrain ourselves from guzzling and doing all the destructive things, it is still a progressive, addictive, substance. At the end I quit my job when offered to take over as CEO because that would back up my happy hour from 4:30 to 7 or 8 pm. I don't regret that decision, but I did go to having to drink from the moment I got up or get sick and shake so badly I could barely hold my coffee with two hands.
I knew I was hooked and could not stop. No one else really knew that part because they had bad behaviors and a lack of my control or loathing of losing motor and cognitive control. I have an innate happy and secure personality. When I drank I did not manifest fear and aggression. On going out I took care of the rest. I arranged DD, not me, but in my interest as I did not drink and drive, even less would I ride with a drunk. I did notavoid driving and drinking because I was afraid of the law. I was very aware that I might hurt myself or destroy my vehicle. I used to say that I don't care about the horror stories of drunk drivers as a caution to me because if I took care of me first, there was no possibility of getting that dui, or killing that innocent. I planned my outings before I drank. I realized that if I disregarded common sense, and played the dumb alkie, that for the rest of my life if I hurt somebody, or even just me, I would have daily worn out two pairs of kneecaps kicking myself in the butt over not spending tha taxi fare, or arranging a DD, or staying home if my options were limited to driving myself home.
Was that functional? At the time I thought so. But now I realize that was stage one, when I could have quit easily, and didn't. The alcohol didn't deceive me, I did. That was never functional from a wellness perspective. Otherwuse a heroin mainliner who can mnage to do his job is high functioning too.
We all functioned when we were high. Now I realize with all my preparations and control I was nothing more than an alcoholic, like every other one. I am not ashamed of my drinking past, I learned much from it and recovering from it. I never was mean or fought drunk. I reserved my warrior activities for the right outlet, and that sober. Aggressive drunks get killed or maimed for life by others or their driving way more often than me. Nevermind surviving jail, which I have never done except from the LEO side. Sober. Carried a gun at my hip daily, sober.
High functioning alcoholic? Nope. Better than the folks with the horror stories? Nope.
Just an alcoholic like the rest of us. Now recovered. I had a choice the whole time right before I took a drink. No voices in my head but mine, no anthropomorphized inanimate substance being clever or fooling me or taunting me as if I had a multiple personality disorder.
I always had a choice even when it was hard to withdraw.
I realize saying I was high functioning was an affectation before I recovered so I could feel better than drunks because I was just an alcoholic.
The difference between me and drunk when I drank? Just time. I extended my early alcoholic period longer than many, and bailed out of fear! I realized I was committing slow suicide at the 30 plus units a day I was drinking. But even though I saw the writing on the wall, as I had to drink in the mornings to stop shaking, it took me another two years to figure out how to stop for me, for good.
I have never relapsed because other than swearing to stop on the tomorrow that never came,
I have only quit this once. Once was enough. If God came down from heaven and told me I could drink with no ill effects I'd thank her for the great times with it in the past, and allowing me to survive a hundred times what a non-alcoholuc drinks in a lifetime with little ill effects thus far at two years, and ask instead for a fix to my knees and neck so I could do some more scuba and ski adventures. Other than that, I'm good Mam. I don't feel deprived, BTDT, am into other things before I gotta go see if you are a realky me, or an other.
I knew I was hooked and could not stop. No one else really knew that part because they had bad behaviors and a lack of my control or loathing of losing motor and cognitive control. I have an innate happy and secure personality. When I drank I did not manifest fear and aggression. On going out I took care of the rest. I arranged DD, not me, but in my interest as I did not drink and drive, even less would I ride with a drunk. I did notavoid driving and drinking because I was afraid of the law. I was very aware that I might hurt myself or destroy my vehicle. I used to say that I don't care about the horror stories of drunk drivers as a caution to me because if I took care of me first, there was no possibility of getting that dui, or killing that innocent. I planned my outings before I drank. I realized that if I disregarded common sense, and played the dumb alkie, that for the rest of my life if I hurt somebody, or even just me, I would have daily worn out two pairs of kneecaps kicking myself in the butt over not spending tha taxi fare, or arranging a DD, or staying home if my options were limited to driving myself home.
Was that functional? At the time I thought so. But now I realize that was stage one, when I could have quit easily, and didn't. The alcohol didn't deceive me, I did. That was never functional from a wellness perspective. Otherwuse a heroin mainliner who can mnage to do his job is high functioning too.
We all functioned when we were high. Now I realize with all my preparations and control I was nothing more than an alcoholic, like every other one. I am not ashamed of my drinking past, I learned much from it and recovering from it. I never was mean or fought drunk. I reserved my warrior activities for the right outlet, and that sober. Aggressive drunks get killed or maimed for life by others or their driving way more often than me. Nevermind surviving jail, which I have never done except from the LEO side. Sober. Carried a gun at my hip daily, sober.
High functioning alcoholic? Nope. Better than the folks with the horror stories? Nope.
Just an alcoholic like the rest of us. Now recovered. I had a choice the whole time right before I took a drink. No voices in my head but mine, no anthropomorphized inanimate substance being clever or fooling me or taunting me as if I had a multiple personality disorder.
I always had a choice even when it was hard to withdraw.
I realize saying I was high functioning was an affectation before I recovered so I could feel better than drunks because I was just an alcoholic.
The difference between me and drunk when I drank? Just time. I extended my early alcoholic period longer than many, and bailed out of fear! I realized I was committing slow suicide at the 30 plus units a day I was drinking. But even though I saw the writing on the wall, as I had to drink in the mornings to stop shaking, it took me another two years to figure out how to stop for me, for good.
I have never relapsed because other than swearing to stop on the tomorrow that never came,
I have only quit this once. Once was enough. If God came down from heaven and told me I could drink with no ill effects I'd thank her for the great times with it in the past, and allowing me to survive a hundred times what a non-alcoholuc drinks in a lifetime with little ill effects thus far at two years, and ask instead for a fix to my knees and neck so I could do some more scuba and ski adventures. Other than that, I'm good Mam. I don't feel deprived, BTDT, am into other things before I gotta go see if you are a realky me, or an other.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,226
I graduated from a great college with top honors. I went on to earn two graduate degrees.
Am I applying what I learned, and what I am capable of? No, because of drink.
I took a year off to work in Sierra Leone, pretty much hell's basement. I lived with no electricity or running water, on the floor of a school with light shining in through the bullet holes left from rebel fighting. I wanted humility, and to take a break from "first world problems."
I came back to problems, notably my return to drink.
I have a decent job, beautiful kids, and a great husband. People commend me for my service in the developing world, and believe I am a value add at my job. But I struggle.
Because I return to drink.
So to answer your question, yes, I am a functional alcoholic. I am just not a functional human being. Missed opportunities, and relationships that have always deserved more.
Am I applying what I learned, and what I am capable of? No, because of drink.
I took a year off to work in Sierra Leone, pretty much hell's basement. I lived with no electricity or running water, on the floor of a school with light shining in through the bullet holes left from rebel fighting. I wanted humility, and to take a break from "first world problems."
I came back to problems, notably my return to drink.
I have a decent job, beautiful kids, and a great husband. People commend me for my service in the developing world, and believe I am a value add at my job. But I struggle.
Because I return to drink.
So to answer your question, yes, I am a functional alcoholic. I am just not a functional human being. Missed opportunities, and relationships that have always deserved more.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Vancouver BC Canada
Posts: 384
Originally Posted by Lost3000
Good point that I didn't mention --- I said "made" money, I still do. I am MUCH happier now overall than I was before. I know without a doubt I'm much better off now than before. I think Step 1 is a very big deal. Understanding and honestly accepting it is huge.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Just saw the college question. ASD Instructional Technology, BS in Sociology, BS Industrial Engineering, BS Psych, Master work in International relations. Been a counselor at a University. Alcoholism affect all classes and all educational backgrounds. I went to college on the GI Bill at 30 and was not an alcoholic until after school and after age 40. Educated or not, rich or poor, the biggest difference is the price of the booze. MD 20/20 is no worse than too much Single Malt in the long run.
I never hid my drinking, I just never went into detail about what I did at home. Until I retired for my third time I never drank all day from wakeup to sleeping. I hid behind the persona of hard working hard playing Warrior and leader. What a farce. I am much tougher sober, and shoot straighter.
I never hid my drinking, I just never went into detail about what I did at home. Until I retired for my third time I never drank all day from wakeup to sleeping. I hid behind the persona of hard working hard playing Warrior and leader. What a farce. I am much tougher sober, and shoot straighter.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: MO
Posts: 101
Originally Posted by Jitterbugg
For the last 15 years of my life, I have been living a lie. I am naturally an introvert. I was very shy and quiet as a kid and only came out of my shell when I 'discovered' alcohol. The booze made me a sociable and engaging person who people responded to. I went with it and the booze carried me for years through work and my social life. Now that I'm sober, I feel like I have lost my 'mojo'. I am not as witty or fun to be around. However, the last few years of my drinking I became an angry and aggressive drunk as I descended into full-blown alcoholism. Someone who people would want to run from.
I am glad to be sober, boring, and a little miserable now. At least people will actually see the real me instead of the rock-star I tried to be.
I am glad to be sober, boring, and a little miserable now. At least people will actually see the real me instead of the rock-star I tried to be.
I have to say you described me to a tee. So many people who knew me in junior and high school remember a quiet, awkward girl. People who have known me the past few years think I'm extremely outgoing, friendly and highly social.
The difference was one thing: Alcohol. Alcohol allowed me to fit in, feel like I had something in common with the masses, made me flirty, fun to be around.
Now, I'm more quiet. I feel at a loss (outside of AA) for what to say, feel more unsure of myself.
But I also feel more like me. I like not having to work so hard to be something I am not. It's amazing.
I also thought I was high-functioning. I wasn't. I was just an incredibly good liar and builder of facades. Towards the very end, every time I drank, I felt grief. I felt my soul being ripped apart. I felt like a loser. But I kept on smiling, wanting just one more drink.
I wasn't functioning. I was doing whatever it took to feed my addiction and my image.
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
I remember when I first joined SR and I asked where the "high functioning alcoholic" section was. The moderator was very polite and told me that there wasn't one.
It took me a while to understand that "high functioning" isn't a type of alcoholic, but rather a phase of my alcoholism.
It is wonderful when one can stop drinking prior to having all of the negative things happen.
I used to think that I drank because I was unhappy, but I know now that I was unhappy because I drank. Amazing what happens to your life outlook when you learn how to live without the crutch of alcohol.
It took me a while to understand that "high functioning" isn't a type of alcoholic, but rather a phase of my alcoholism.
It is wonderful when one can stop drinking prior to having all of the negative things happen.
I used to think that I drank because I was unhappy, but I know now that I was unhappy because I drank. Amazing what happens to your life outlook when you learn how to live without the crutch of alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 61
I functioned, albeit not well. Now that I have been going sober I can see my motivation returning. I have begun job hunting (for a better job), working on bettering my skills, and I am just all behaving more productively. In addition my apartment is getting clean. As a drinker, I let my apartment go to pot and never realized it.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by Rennet
...I don't think I have any more, except my drinking hasn't physically hurt anyone else.
The problem with the yets is that there is no possiblities, only probabilities. Meaning, we can't really determine if we have any more, because we always do, and we can't really determine when they will happen.
I hope you find your way soon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 540
In terms of education, B.A. In English from a top private school, masters in English, BS in science, veterinary medical degree. Was a journalist for several years then went to vet school. Oh yeah, I was high functioning! What a load of crap. Now, sober, I really am high functioning, just like normal people! The alcohol sure didn't care how many degrees I had or how "important" I was. Thank God I got sober before I lost everything, job. It was only a matter of time.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 328
I did most of my B.Sc and Ph.D binge drinking and smoking pot regularly. I also did other drugs during my B.Sc and drank alcoholically for at least one year of my Ph.D.
I suppose that I'm rather high functioning. I have to admit that drinking didn't impact my productivity that much. I'm lazy as hell both while drinking and while sober, I just waste my time on different things... Someone should start Procrastinators Anonymous, though I suppose none of us would find time for the meetings.
Drinking was doing more damage to my emotional well-being and self-esteem than to my professional output.
I suppose that I'm rather high functioning. I have to admit that drinking didn't impact my productivity that much. I'm lazy as hell both while drinking and while sober, I just waste my time on different things... Someone should start Procrastinators Anonymous, though I suppose none of us would find time for the meetings.
Drinking was doing more damage to my emotional well-being and self-esteem than to my professional output.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
I've been a student, a postgrad, a tutor, a researcher....as well as a professional musician, an assembly line guy, and an office worker....
These last 5 years in recovery have taught me that whatever my innate talents, however much luck was on my side, and however much I managed to accomplish drunk...
I could have accomplished much much more had I been sober.
Make no mistake - sober is the real high functioning
D
These last 5 years in recovery have taught me that whatever my innate talents, however much luck was on my side, and however much I managed to accomplish drunk...
I could have accomplished much much more had I been sober.
Make no mistake - sober is the real high functioning
D
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