dragonfire613

So today is 55 days sober from opiates. The detox was rough, but I cruised through the next 4-5 weeks consistently getting better and improving... then I found out I was being laid off from my job about 2 weeks ago now.

Of course the first day of learning the news was very rough with the toughest cravings I had faced since the kick. I just wanted to get blown away and forget about the stresses of life... but I didn't. I held in there, knowing it was no answer and the world would just be waiting were I to give in and go on a binge, and I'd have to start over from scratch again. I was not gonna go there.

But since then, I am having difficulties coping with my situation. I'm not really having those white-knuckle direct cravings, but its kind of like I don't know what to do with myself now. I'm a bundle of nervous energy and anxiety most of the time... I exercise and try to meditate but they only help briefly and marginally at best. Meetings have had the same effect... I leave feeling better and more relaxed, but it is short-lived and the anxiety always returns.

It is starting to wear on me a little, which is concerning. I feel like my toolbox is running low on tools to work on this, and am getting worried about what I might do if this continues on long term. I keep telling myself it is probably situational and will pass with time, but then I hear that little voice saying "what if it's not... what if it doesn't pass?"

I dunno... I just thought I'd write about it and see what happens. Maybe I just need a little pep talk, I don't really know what I'm looking for here, other than some support.

SoberForMySon

I am so glad you reached out! You have done great, and I know you don't want to throw it away, so you are in the right place. I suffer from anxiety too, so I hear that. Have you tried any meetings or anything like that for more tools and support?

SoberForMySon

Oops just saw you have, I misread!

dragonfire613

Thanks sfms... yeah I live in a small town here and there is only one NA group that meets once a week on Saturday nights... there are meetings in surrounding towns, typically also once a week during the evening hours, but I haven't made it to any of them other than the one in my own town.

I have 3 yr old and 1 yr old boys, and the evenings are "dad time" with them, so I have trouble leaving them hanging to go to meetings. I know its no excuse really, but there are guilt issues there. Back when I was still using (maintenance) they often took 2nd priority to my addiction, and so I try hard to always give them priority with my time now. Once I've worked my final day (next Wed.) maybe we can move "dad time" to earlier in the day and it will allow me to make more meetings and get more involved in NA.

But anyway, thanks for replying. Still hanging in there.

SoberForMySon

I have a three year old.... They sure do inspire you to stay clean, don't they? It does suck to leave them, but you're ultimately helping them in helping yourself, too.

dragonfire613

Yeah my boys, well the oldest when we found out my wife was pregnant with him, gave me the final kick in the pants I needed to do something about my addiction. That was when I first sought real help and stopped deluding myself that because I was functioning, I was ok.

Now I watch them playing, and how happy they can be over the smallest things, and I constantly think "I want that! I want to feel like they do, and they are completely sober!" Keeps me vigilant on abstaining, for sure... even though I am emotionally flat most of the time, even with them I often am just going through the motions without really FEELING the emotion behind my actions, if that makes any sense. But I am certainly envious of their obvious joy and happiness. It helps me keep faith that with enough work and time, I too, can join them in their joy. :o)

SoberForMySon

I feel the same, I see my son delight in the silliest thing, and I think how I miss that feeling!!!! Oh, to save their innocence forever, bottle it, and drink that! They and my pets teach me that joy does live in the little things. A new toy, an ear scratch, a yummy treat, a walk in the park. Life is for liing and these kids and animals have much to teach us if we listen.

dragonfire613

Indeed... some days I can find some joy in simple things, other days it all seems gray. Part of this whole journey is finding new things I enjoy.

Part of my problems recently I think is directly related to my upcoming unemployment... the severance pay will be enough to get us through to the new year, but I still have this lingering monkey on my back that the money train is going to run out. Hopefully I can find a new job sooner rather than later... I am spending a good portion of each day sending resumes, etc... but have gotten only a couple of callbacks thus far, only one that is promising and it is just a 3 month contractor job that has little hire-on potential. Not exactly a large job market for engineers/scientists here in the boonies, and now the job market is flooded with 500+ of my coworkers who are also losing their jobs, and I am competing against them for a limited number of openings. We just moved into our house last December and my family lives nearby, so I don't want to move unless it's a last resort.

Thanks for replying, you have helped with my anxiousness this day. Funny how simply talking about things can do that. Hopefully our paths will continue to cross. One of the things about SR I've discovered is that I meet new friends only to have them disappear into oblivion... although I've made a few that are still around as well.

SoberForMySon

I hear that. I live in a small town in Alabama and its not got a good job market. I work with racing Greyhounds at the track and I am very lucky to have my job. I hope you are able to find something. I know money worries are very tough to work through, especially with a family to think of. I also hope we can stay connected. I wonder what happened to members who have disappeared, but I hope to stay here!!! Because that means I am staying on track. Oh and my dads an engineer, so I always appreciate that! He has his own business now, but worked for Raytheon for years and years.