6901

Good morning all, I'm new to this site. I'm struggling to find out what my wife is thinking and what I should be doing. I'll try and be brief:

My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years (and together for 11). She's always had a drinking problem, and we were both in denial by thinking it was just a problem. After multiple times catching her hiding empty vodka bottles throughout the house last summer (2011), I gave her an ultimatum to stop drinking (and lying) or I was done. That day, she went to an AA meeting and had 8 successful months of sobriety.

This June, my wife relapsed. She went to a detox facility, and insurance would only allow her to stay for a couple of days. Needless to say, she relapsed immediately, and we put her back into detox two weeks later. This time, she did an IOP program following detox, followed by a night program so she could go back to work. Unfortuntately, she again relapsed. The stress from work is just too much for her to handle right now.

She went into detox again, and this time we set up for her to go to rehab right afterwards (out of state). She is currently at a dual diagnosis facility (because she also suffers from bulimia, which has been untreated for 18 years). She was feeling great but missing me and our home. Her plan was for me to come pick her up when she is discharged so we can spend a few days together and then come home where she would continue treatment.

I come to find out (from her father) that she now wants to go to stay with her day in another city (8 hours away) and not come home. She stated that she isn't ready to go back to work (which I never pressure her to do), and that she is now saying that it will be too stressful for her to come home because of our relationship.

This is news to me. Obviously, we're not perfect, but I have been her biggest supporter and I don't know why I was shut out of her thought process, other than she didn't want me to change her mind. The reason why I believe staying with her dad is a bad idea is because he too is an alcoholic, his 31 year old son lives with him who is a heroin addict, and my wife's uncle is also staying at the house who is some sort of recovering addict. Doesn't sound like a safe environment to me.

I'm just devastated because I feel like I was blindsided and left out of the most important decision following my wife rehab. Her mind seems so set that I don't know what to do. I've tried telling her there will be no stress in our house, and her only focus will be on her recovery, nothing else (whether or not our relationship has problems...that can be resolved later).

She comes home this Friday, and I still don't think she will change her mind (and stay and do here recovery here, rather than go live with her dad). Any advice, words of wisdom, support would be much appreciated.

Thanks for listening.

6901

Since it's probably not very clear, although my wife and I have had our ups and downs, we do very much love each other. She calls me her best friend and the person who knows her best. She tells me she loves me more than anything. I just don't understand why I now seem to be the villain or the problem. She talks to her dad everyday, and some of her friends. She used to talk to me everyday until about 10 days ago. Now I've talked to her on the phone twice.

AlwaysGrowing

6901
Time to find yourself a life. Your wife will do and say anything to get her way. Giving her a ultimatum like you did may have also done more damage than you think. If you say something be prepared to back it up.
I would urge you to try Alanon. I can't stress that enough. You can't control her and can't cure her, so where does that leave you? YOU!

Been there, done that! My 1st wife died from addiction with bulimic mixed it.

AG

6901

Thanks AG. I hear what you're saying about the ultimatum, but we actually grew closer during those 8 months she was sober. In fact, she was apologizing to me that night after her first AA meeting. But you're right, I can't control or cure her. Just hard not to try and encourage her to make the best decision for her recovery.

I'm sorry to hear about your first wife.

AlwaysGrowing

I know if didn't seem like it wasn't a big deal but be aware this things ARE. Heard that from many people down the road who just had that ringing in the back of their mind but never said anything.

AG

Dee74

Welcome 6901

I have no experience to share, but I wanted to welcome you - you'll find a lot of support

Please do check out our Family and Friends forums as well - there's a lot of support there as well

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

SoberCAH

This is kind of similar to what happened between my ex-wife and myself quite a few years after I got sober.

There was another man involved, which complicated things quite a bit.

At some point, though, you are dealing with a disease and not a person.

I hope that you can pray for her and take care of herself.

Glad you shared this, amigo.

Vall

Dear 6901,

sorry to hear that you are hurting. It is hard to give advice as each persons life is different and how we see things are different.

All I can say as a woman is it sounds as though she is perhaps feeling some sort of guilt towards you and feels stifled by your trying to help her. I could be very wrong. Just a thought.

But what I do say to all my friends who have problems with their relationships and I know how hard this is to do but it will help you and it could work is to:

"leave the door of the cage open, let the bird fly free, and if s/he comes back of it's own accord, you will have your answer"

We can't help people who don't want to see - we can only help ourselves and hope that they want to see us.

Take care.

SoberForMySon

I confess I have no advice, as I am the addict in my family. And my hub would probably be glad to see me go. Your wife's lucky and doesn't know it. But I am glad you found us, and I am sorry for your pain.

Vall

I don't believe that for a minute SFMS :> Don't put yourself down. I have seen you on here, how helpful and determined you are and I am sure hub sees you in an even clearer light :>

Night everyone. Trying to stay up as long as possible to completely tire myself out zzzzzzzz Hot mug of milk and a few Belgian chocolate biscuits awaiting

thislonelygirl

maybe in her mind after recovery to recovery she feels the best thing fir her sobriety is to end the relationship or maybe she met someone in rehab.
i don't know. you don't know but i hope you find some sort of closure. i use to trust my husband 100% and nite a doubt came to mind that he would leave me ir cheat on me until i realized how bad his addiction is and how denial and avoidance can play a part now i have a fear that the same thing will happen to me as you. i think it very much well be her illness writ maybe apart of her recovery.
because you love her and still want to make it work i suggest you focus on you and be supportive to her she may change her mind .....or she may not. good luck

driftapart

This was my first thought.

But then again I have trust issues so.

NoFireWater

I think Val had really good advice, sometimes you just have to give someone their freedom and they will return, and return stronger.

I share your fears that the environment her dad will provide is not going to be supportive to a recovery plan. That may be why she's choosing it, because she's overwhelmed by the rehab experience and doesn't want to stop-it will be easier to drink there. Maybe she's feeling strong, wants to continue on her current path, and wants to come back to you having done it on her own. It's really hard to say.

It's going to be hard, but you may have to just sit back and see how it all plays out. You can get support here, and let us know what's happening. If you really love each other, she will probably find her way back to you.

artsoul

Welcome 1609 -

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I think you've done an amazing job of helping her in any way you could. From what you said in your post, it doesn't sound like she is wanting an official separation or divorce (?). She might be feeling she just needs a lot of space and any stress at all would cause another relapse.

It's hard to understand, I know, but the first days/weeks are especially emotional for us and the possibility of relapse is very real and scary. Even with the most loving partner (or maybe especially with them), it might be hard to feel free to focus on ourselves and what we need to do to recover.

I don't know if that's what's going on with her, but I wouldn't read too much into it at this point, until she's able to share more with you. I know it's got to be hard for you, too, and like Vall said, she might be afraid of hearing that right now due to feeling bad about herself already.

I hope things work out for both of you....

Ann

You heard this from her dad, perhaps you are worrying for nothing.

I would talk to her and see what her plans are, and then I am afraid you will just have to accept whatever she chooses...good choice or bad.

Something that has helped many of us regain our balance is going to Al-anon meetings, you might give it a try and see if it doesn`t help you.

soberbrooke

Let her go if that's what she wants. She may need to hit a different rock bottom. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's what it took for me. I tried for 27 years to get sober - I had to hit my rock bottom.
Get into an Alanon program so you can get a different perspective, it's not about you!